Title: Would You Know My Name
Author: AlexCabotIsQueen
Summary: Thoughts of a walking ghost, title from an Eric Clapton song. Alex POV
I knew I wasn't supposed to come back, too dangerous. Too risky.
Funny...I've heard words like that before
And still didn't heed the warning.
That's why I've got some protection following me on this journey.
Even knowing what I know now...
I wouldn't change a thing...well, maybe just a few.
..We should have protected Agent Donovan.
Maybe a little of that was my fault.
I pushed too hard...just to make sure
I needed to know we had Zapata over a barrel
And then, Ceasar Valez would be handed over to the Feds,
On a silver platter, with a gift tag that read
"From the office of the New York District Attorney."
..But things don't work out that way. Instead, it all went wrong.
Seeing Agent Donovan killed, Arthur giving me a speech
About safety and then telling me we were handing it off.
I was so angry. I wanted to try him.
I wanted justice for Olivia Sandoval aka Olivia Taez, and maybe, a little fame
For me, not that I needed it. But you know what they say about greed.
I remember sitting in that restaurant, feeling so defeated. So low.
I wish I would have let Elliot get that cab for me.
..And then...it's all a blur, talking to Olivia...then
Searing heat through my shoulder. Pain.
I knew. I knew Valez was going to make me pay
I guess I didn't expect it that soon.
And as I was laying there, looking up at the sky,
Olivia begging me not to die,
I wanted to tell her I wasn't going to
I was just to shocked to knew what to do...say...
And then, it was dark.
..I remember waking up...in a hospital
With US Marshals all around
Telling me that I, Alexandra Cabot, was dead. I was better off that way.
It was like a nightmare...I only heard bits and pieces.
And then the words that would change my life forever
Witness Protection Program.
New name, new life, a whole new me.
And everyone that I ever loved or ever cared about
Was going to forget me. Forget Alex.
Guess that's what makes you truly dead.
..But I couldn't leave...not without a final good-bye.
Once again I pushed until I got my way.
And it was decided I could. So, I decided on two people that it would matter most.
Waiting in that SUV was that worst
Because I knew for certain that I would never see them again.
It seemed like I was there for hours
Then, the door opened
And the looks on their faces; shock, disbelief, confusion, pain.
I just stood there...listening to the Marshals
Telling my friends that I was better off this way, better off dead.
"How long," Oh God Olivia, I just don't know.
..So, I put on my best lawyer face
And told her the harsh truth...without saying forever
Because I think we both understood that.
And then the moment was over and I still didn't say it.
What I always wanted to say.
"Elliot, I'm jealous of what a wonderful family you have. You are a noble man."
"Olivia, you are the strongest woman I know. I respect you."
Instead, I just got back into the black SUV and watched them as we drove away.
Their faces still haunt me.
Like ghosts, only not really dead. Like me.
I remember thinking that I hoped my funeral was nice.
..The first year was the hardest. I went through four names. Then Emily.
I had to sell insurance.
I'm an attorney for Christ's sake, and a damn good one. At least...I was.
It was hard to keep my story straight
And I was just getting the hang of it when I saw Captain Donald Cragen
On my doorstep, like a golden ticket back to Manhattan.
Going back...seeing everyone and facing my attacker. It was a blessing
Even though an even greater tragedy forced my return.
Walking through that courtroom. I was home.
And looking that man, square in the eye. I knew he was shaken.
Who wouldn't be after seeing a ghost?
I knew we had him...and then at least there would be justice, for all.
..It was my decision to leave without saying good-bye.
At least in person.
I knew it would be too hard to celebrate with them
Only to say that I would have to disappear again.
I sent a Marshal to do it for me.
Truth be told, I'm worried about my unit.
Casey's good, but not fantastic. I was fantastic.
Not thick skinned enough. I wonder...and hope they keep putting away these...
Scum. These sick, twisted bastards.
Perhaps I shouldn't dwell on it.
Just know they're all doing their jobs to the best of their ability.
That they will always catch these scum bags.
But I guess I had to see it for myself.
..As I approach the court house, under the watchful eye of the Marshals
I wonder what I'll say when I see them.
The Marshals have got me up to speed.
They told me Elliot's divorced now...wonder how he's taking it...
And Olivia...still single.
I just want to see that they're alright. Physically I mean.
My heart races as I catch a glimpse of them talking to Casey.
And yet, they look different than I remember
Olivia looks so tired...and Elliot looks. Upset.
I want to call out to them, but instead I stand.
Beside the sea of reporters; who are calling out for just a bite.
They leave it to Casey and they start walking towards me.
Elliot actually bumps me and my purse falls
He stops and hands it to me. My ice blue eyes meet his.
..Time stopped. I said thank you. Olivia turns.
Elliot and I rise together. And then...they turn and walk away.
Did he not recognize me? Did she?
How could they not know? Could they just not let their minds believe?
Maybe they wanted to.
Maybe they needed to forget.
Like it's far too painful to know me.
Like I'm just a memory of how happy life was.
When Elliot still had his family; and Olivia still had a good friend.
I fight back the tears as I watch them walk away.
I gather myself and start walking back toward the Marshals.
Coming back...was a mistake.
They ignored me...I was invisible.
As I got into the car and we begin to leave the city, I saw myself with an ice cold eye
And realize another truth...chilling and unwaivering.
...Since I'm no longer present in memory of my loved ones...
Alexandra Cabot is dead...Gone. Forever. Never to return.