Author: Carcinya (Isolde on Fanfiction(dot)net)
Author E-mail: carcinya(at)aol(dot)com
Category: Angst
Keywords: Naruto Iruka
Kakashi
Rating: G
Spoilers: None.
Summary: If only he would stop smiling. Companion fic to "Dream On". Drabble,
light KakaIru
Disclaimer: This story is based on situations and characters created
and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, various publishers including but not limited
to TV Tokyo. The song and the plot are mine.
No money is being made and no copyright infringement intended.
Now, now, people. If Naruto was mine, do you really think I'd be sitting at my computer, sipping bad coffee, and writing bad fanfiction? Honestly.
Author's notes: I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistake there might be in this story. I am French, and still only learning the beautiful language that is English. Any comments are welcome, but obviously flames will be used to roast marshmallows. Or flamers.
Actually, I am not really happy with how this drabble went and
I wanted some input. Consider it a work in process, right? strained smile
(Translation: Don't throw sharp, pointy or otherwise lethal objects at the author.
Please? I love peanuts though. Yes, it's been a shitty week, how did you guess?)
Goes without saying but: unbetaed.
(Thank you, butter of flies, for your advice!)
"Live on" - Kakashi (377 words)
If only he would stop smiling.
You had thought yourself beyond caring, and he has proven you wrong.
You do not want to care. You do not want to feel. You do not want to exist.
You do not have to. You are shinobi, you are Jounin.
And yet.
When he smiles at you, Iruka makes you want to live again. You know he does not mean to -- you have been there already, you can see through the pretense.
Iruka smiles out of reach.
With that sweet, radiant beam of his, he shuts the world out. Shuts you out.
Unwanted.
They admire your strength, respect your skills, fear your name. But who ever wanted you, for yourself? Just a scarred boy behind a cloth mask...
You know you are hardly worth the trouble.
Nobody wants you.
Iruka is no exception. He wants you out -- the sooner, the better -- you can read it all too clearly in those stormy brown eyes.
If only he would stop smiling. Then you would not have to look away.
You feel something hard and cold clenching in your chest. Crushed, pained -- why does it keep hurting, please make it stop. Your only defense is to stop looking. You have found there is nothing easier to ignore than reality. Iruka is achingly real, even though his smile is not.
You would rather not exist than be hurt.
If you were to start existing beyond the shinobi, you do not think you could ever stop again. You would drown. That you cannot allow.
Promise you'll survive, Kakashi.
Sensei...
Promise. You have to live on, for all of us.
You promised. You lived on. And so you ignore him, looking past him, looking through him. If only he would stop smiling. There is no salvation in solitude, you know firsthand; but no pain, either. The sheer, precious bliss of nonexistence -- how you have come to crave it. Maybe if you pretend hard enough... Repeat after me, Kakashi.
He does not exist.
Iruka's smile does not falter.
There -- you can you breathe again, the air rushing to your lungs past your tight throat. You are very good at this game. Do it again.
He does not exist.
He...
"Thank you for your hard work, Kakashi-san."
Iruka is still smiling. Beautiful, heartbreaking, oblivious.
And you look away.
-- end --
Feedback very much welcome as usual! (Translation: If you have to kill me, go ahead, but do it quickly. Thank you.)