Author's Notes: Insanity hit me. I know. Sorry this is short, but this is the first chapter of crazy parodies I'll be posting, all featuring my favorite character from Fruits Basket, Ayame Sohma as DADA teacher. They will be all short until my insanity stops.

Enjoy!

Ayame Sohma DADA Teacher!

It was the first day at Hogwarts in 6th year when Dumbledore introduced the students to their new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher. Reminding everyone of Umbridge Professor Sohma stood to make a speech. Everyone was already making disgusted expressions when the tall gorgeous man with long platinum hair started to speak:

"Good evening Hogwarts' students! It is my pleasure to be here with you to not only teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts, but also everything you will need to be successful in life. That means that you will learn everything from dealing with stress, your sexuality, your physical needs, everything! From this day onwards I want you all to know that in case you desperately need release, come to me! Everyone bring their desires to me! This is very important as we want to avoid teen pregnancy at all costs! Thank you!"

Ron looked at Harry: "Is that guy mental or what?" Harry was laughing out loud with the rest of the students, but Hermione was disgusted.

"I just hope that he will teach us properly! After Umbridge we do need a real DADA teacher, you know! I wonder what Dumbledore was thinking when he hired that man!"

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First Class

The students arrived at the classroom for their first N.E.W.T. level class. Hermione was almost jumping with joy thinking about all those advanced spells they would learn and sat happily. Ayame arrived in the classroom and as he stood in front of the class he put his long mane to his back with a graceful gesture: "Today we are going to learn about the art of making love. That is a very important art that will help you through your lives! As they say: 'Make Love! Not War!' Now I need...

Hermione, horrified, had raised her hand desperately. She had to remind the teacher about the real purpose of the class and what was really discussed in the first chapter of the book that had been assigned for the 6th year. Ayame quickly pointed to her: "Your name, please?"

"Hermione Granger! Sir..."

"As everyone can see, Miss Granger has just offered to be our female subject! Miss Granger! Get here in front of the class!"

Hermione found that everyone was staring at her and she had no choice, but to join Professor Sohma in front of the whole classroom. "Sir..."

"Now we need a male subject! Let's see now! You, the blonde sitting between two gorillas! Yes! You! What is your name?"

"Draco Malfoy, sir."

"Get here, Mr. Malfoy! Now you will kiss Miss Granger in front of the class as the first part of making love!"

Both Draco and Hermione reacted: "WHAT?"

"I cannot kiss a filthy Mudblood!"

"I cannot kiss this git!"

"Now now, you see why we need to learn all about love? If you don't kiss you will have detention, with me of course, all year long! Although my detentions are beautiful I can assure you, and there is so much I can teach about carnal needs and desires and..."

In seconds Hermione and Draco were French kissing in front of the whole class. It seemed that they had preferred the kiss to having detention with a madman.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it? Now everyone will kiss each other! Doesn't matter the sexual preference! Doesn't matter what house you belong to! Just kiss! Unless you want to have detention with me for a whole year, which is not so bad of course, as I was explaining because..."

Everyone was kissing each other.