CHAPTER 6: EASIER TO RUN

I could not look at him – again.

Unlike me, Kenshin never learned to suppress and hide his feelings. According to rumors, it was because of Rukia, because of her influence. No one mentions his mother – thankfully.

I do not know if I could bear it.

And yet – he's not like Hisana.

Not completely, for as much as she tried to hide her sadness, her grief, it was always there – coming off of her in waves, like a fog.

He did take after his mother – his deepest feeling project almost a physical aura around him. But, unlike his mother, he does not try to hide it. He allows himself to be surrounded by it, he basks in it.

It is such a powerful sensation – his anger, his hurt.

This is no childish tantrum, no passing mood – it will not fade easily.

And I know it's not only because of the attempted execution of his aunt. I know as much.

No, it is too old – too deep. Too strong.

Years and years of emotions pushed in the far depth of his soul and kept carefully hidden away.

How could I be so blind that I did not see my own child's distress?

Pretending this time won't help me – I know perfectly well how it happened.

I kept him away from me. I wrapped myself in my grief – and I didn't see, I didn't think that he needed me. He needed his father, not the Head of the Kuchiki Clan, not the Captain of the Sixth Division.

He needed his father, but I was not there for him.

Is it possible that… that I lost even the memory of feeling?

No – it's ridiculous. I love my son. I love my adopted sister. I love Hisana – but her death left a void inside of me.

I was not taught to express my feelings – indeed, I was taught they were irrelevant and unreliable. But it is not so easy – some things run deeper than that.

I still cannot believe I did not realize…

I truly believed I was following Kenshin's best interest. Instead I was only following my own selfish grief and the rules of my family, allowing them to blind me and lead me at the same time.

I gave him everything – except what he truly wanted, what he needed.

Now I see it, I see my past mistakes.

But I cannot set them right – it is too late.

I cannot set them right because – because maybe I could give what he wanted back then… Except that he does not want it, he does not need it anymore.

He learned to live without it.

And it seems that it's not over… that it will never be over.

He wants something out of me. He might deny that, but I know he does.

The worst thing is that I can't understand what it is.

He is a stranger to me – I do not know how I could set this right.

Even after all the latest events, I find I cannot leave my own sanctuary – my own shell, as he calls it.

A shell made of rules and traditions – and detachment.

The truth is – I am afraid.

Too many mistakes I made – I cannot find inside of me the strength to face them all.

It is just too difficult for me to destroy all I have worked so hard to built.

I cannot look back – I cannot move forward.

I can only stand here, in this moment.

Forgive me, my son.

I am a coward – I cannot do this.

If I could change the past – believe me, I would not hesitate.

But I do not have the strength to change the future. The strength to step up, step out of my shell.

But for me, it is too late. Too late to change, too late to fix the mistakes I made with you, too late to start again.

I hope it won't be too late to make amends – somehow, someday I shall find a way to do so.

I can only hope that it won't be too late to forgive me, then.

If I could change I would, take back the pain I would

Retrace every wrong move that I made I would

If I could stand up and take the blame I would

I would take all my shame to the grave

(Linking Park – Easier to run)

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