Category: Humour
Pairing: Some S/J thought-processes
Notes: Written to alleviate boredom. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and the characters are the property of MGM. There is no infringement is intended and no profit made. The coffee cup is mine, though. Mine!
"Carter?"
"Sir?"
"Tell me something. Are you working?"
"Uh… yes, Colonel."
"Stop it."
"Yes sir."
With a smug smile, Jack O'Neill put down the phone. He lay back, closing his eyes; the image of his second-in-command sitting in bed with her laptop floated around his happy mind. The situation was just about to get interesting when the phone rang; he jerked awake, swore loudly, and snatched up the receiver.
"What?"
"I've just been thinking, Jack—"
"Daniel. It is twenty to two in the morning. We spent the night travelling on a plane. Half an hour ago, we arrived at this hotel. I, for one, have just settled down to sleep. Now is not the time to be thinking!"
"I guess, but—"
"No buts! I – want – sleep."
"Jack—"
But Jack cut him off, slamming the phone back down. He had barely made to turn over when it chirped again, loudly enough and irritatingly enough to make him seize the receiever again. He opened his mouth to yell down it and was interrupted by a deep voice.
"I require a person to attend to me in my room."
Jack took in a deep breath. "Wrong number, Teal'c! I think you want room service."
"Didn't the SGC tell you to stop using room service?" came another voice from somewhere down the line.
"Daniel?" Jack asked. "Who called you?"
"No-one," Daniel replied, "I'm still on the line from you cutting me off."
"You are…correct, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said regretfully, "but I cannot cease."
"Hey!" Jack responded, "are you trying to tell me you're addicted to room service, T?"
"I am not proud of the fact, O'Neill."
"Jeez…"
"Yeah, so, Teal'c," Daniel began, "maybe you should just…put the phone down…"
"Maybe we should all put the phone down!" was Jack's exasperated suggestion.
"The temptation is strong, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c responded gravely, "I cannot guarantee that replacing the receiver to this device will ensure discontinued behaviour of the…unwanted sort."
Jack snorted. "Behaviour of the unwanted sort," he muttered. "I can't believe I'm hearing this conversation."
"Aren't there any Jaffa training techniques you could try?" Daniel asked Teal'c. "You must have practised self-discipline."
"Indeed – yet there was no room service on Chulak."
"Daniel, you wanna counsel Teal'c on how to cut his habit, fine, be my guest. I'm going to sleep. You may not have heard of it. Matter of fact, I've always wondered, do you actually sleep? Ever?"
"Yeah!" replied Daniel defensively. There was a pause; then a sigh. "When there's no coffee, anyway."
"You're as bad as Carter," Jack told him. "Teal'c, I am ordering you to stop calling room service! Daniel, I'm ordering you to get sleep. I am now going to order myself to – WHAT, CARTER!"
"Uh…Colonel? Sorry sir, I just…"
"Just what?"
"Hey Sam!"
"Daniel?"
"Yeah! Teal'c's here too! Shared phoneline… hey, did someone hit conference call by mistake?"
"Perhaps it was I, Daniel Jackson."
"Oops, nope, it was me, Teal'c. Sorry Jack…!"
"Daniel. I already hung up on you. You're supposed to be gone already."
"Must've knocked a button or two when I was trying to get at the lamp," Daniel explained apologetically, "glasses are on the table, and…"
"What is that clicking noise?"
"I think it's the wireless connection on my laptop, sir, it seems to be interfering…"
"Well turn it the heck off!"
"Yes sir."
"Thank you. What was your computer doing on anyway, Carter? Didn't I tell you to stop working?"
"Well yes, sir, you did, but–"
"Carter…" His voice was dangerous. "Were you – by any slim chance – defying a direct order?"
Daniel saved her from answering. "Teal'c, are you trying to dial? I can hear key tones."
A discomposed silence. "I have tried many Jaffa techniques in constraint of the self, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c answered at last. "I believe…I may be defeated."
Sam was bewildered. "Defeated?"
"Teal'c's got himself an addiction," Jack explained grudgingly.
"An addiction?" Sam's voice was toned with alarm. "What can a Jaffa possibly get addicted to?"
Daniel and Jack answered, both at once: "Room service."
"I have been ordered to discontinue by both Colonel O'Neill and General Hammond," Teal'c added, "yet I am compelled to disobey those orders for the sake of my…"
"Addiction," Daniel finished.
"Kinda like you and your laptop, huh, Carter?" Jack's tone was deliberately scathing.
"Well, sir, with all due respect, that's different…"
"You still ignored me, Carter!"
"Not deliberately, Colonel, I just ended up thinking and–"
"Thinking! Thinking! Holy crap, what is it with you scientists and thinking?" Jack demanded. For some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to add: "I don't think."
A muffled sniggering.
"Hey! That came out wrong – stop it!"
Daniel and Sam both made the effort to stifle their laughter.
"What I was trying to say was," – Jack battled on through gritted teeth – "I don't think too much at this time of night because I'm smart enough to know brains need rest! Now, this is the first time they've dug deep enough in their shiny government piggy-banks to put us in individual rooms. Do you want me to go to Hammond and tell him you three can't behave yourselves separately?"
"Actually, sir," Sam hazarded, "I've never had to share a hotel room with you."
"And you thought it'd be a good idea to remind me, Carter?" Jack snapped. "You know, I forgot how annoyed I still am at that."
He could almost hear Daniel's confused frown. "Er – why?"
"I'll tell you why, Daniel. The four of us have been on countless missions stuck in a tent together, or a cave, or goodness knows what kind of hole in the ground, and they decide that Carter here has to have a different room in a hotel because – oh, no! – she's a woman!"
"Yeah, but Jack, missions are, well they're different–"
"Ah – I'm not finished yet, Daniel! I know missions are different. I'm fine with missions being different. I'm just narked at the fact that the Air Force decided to do it that way. If one of us gets a separate room, we all should get a separate room, that's all I'm saying." Yeah. And you're hung up on the fact that you never get to share a room with Carter when you're off-duty. Go figure.
"Out of interest," said Daniel, "why did we get individual rooms this time?"
It was Teal'c that answered; Sam was still reeling from the accusation that being a woman gave her unfair accomodation advantages. "It was the belief of General Hammond," the Jaffa informed them, "that Colonel O'Neill would reduce his volume of complaint if we were separated from him."
"Hey, that's not… okay, that's true, but–"
"I've always wondered why the General avoids the Colonel after every trip to Washington," Sam mused aloud. "Now I know."
"Yes, you do, Carter," Jack responded, wanting to make it abundantly clear he was still very much present in the conversation. "And now you know that, maybe you could, I dunno, rest easy? Drop off? Drift away to the Land of Nod?"
Daniel began to respond, rather too enthusiastically: "Hey, y'know, the land of Nod really was an actual place in ancient times–"
"I don't care!" Jack roared. "This is enough! E–nough! Carter!"
Her response was tentative. "Sir?"
"Defy this order and I swear I'll have you up for court-martial quicker than you can say Night Nurse: stop working."
"Yessir."
"Teal'c."
"I am listening, O'Neill."
"Good. Now. First of all. Stop calling room service."
"I shall try."
"Seriously, T, it ain't healthy. Stop it. Do some Kel'nor'eem, just – just remember what happened last time with the candles, K?"
"I shall not repeat my mistake."
"Good. And Daniel?"
"Yeah, Jack?"
"Do yourself a favour, put down the coffee cup and SLEEP, fer crying out loud! Goodnight!"
The phone went down and – to Jack O'Neill's immense relief – it stayed down.