"Shrek vs. the Transformers" Chapter 5, 'Humans, such a strange species...':

(Author's Notes on Bottom)

"WASPINATOR!" Megatron screams as he furiously stomps through the hotel room.

"Please M-M-Megatron...Wazpinator's sorry!" Waspinator mutters quietly in fear; hidden behind a couch. "I will tear you limb from limb!" Megatron yells with rage and frustration.

Waspinator crawls out slowly from behind the couch, "But Megatron…it was only a…" "Don't you start with me!" Megatron screams, "…That was my drumstick! I told you that I was just going to step for just a minute to grab a 'soda' and I come back to find what? YOU EATING MY DRUMSTICK!"

"Please don't hurt Waspinator…Waspinator will get another chicken for Megatron!" Waspinator tries to bargain; only slightly easing Megatron's anger. "But what if this chicken tastes different than the one you ate? I'm sure that these 'chickens' each have their own unique flavor!"

Just then a sudden knock on the door interrupts Megatron; causing him to stop in mid rant. "Hmm…" Megatron sneers as he glares down at Waspinator, "…This is not over!"

Megatron slowly makes his way towards the door; moving cautiously. "Waspinator…be prepared…" Megatron begins, signaling Waspinator to grab his gun, "…We don't know whom may be on the other side."

Megatron bends over and peeks out of the tiny peephole in the door itself; but is unable to see anyone. "Blast it all! Where's the control panel on this slagging door!" Megatron screams in frustration. "Turn the handle sir!" A voice calls out from the other side. "Oh, right, now I remember…" Megatron snickers lightly to himself as he grabs the handle slowly and opens it.

"Greetings Sir Megatron!" a man in a red suit states pleasantly with a British accent. "Ah yes, 'Sir Megatron'…" Megatron laughs a little to himself, "…That does have a nice ring to it."

"I come with news from a very important source!" the man in the suit states. "Really…?" Megatron ponders, scratching his chin lightly. The man smiles and hands Megatron a letter, "Yes. You have been cordially invited to be a guest on a major T.V. talk show!"

"What!" Megatron mutters in shock. "Yes; it's true. Lately you've been the talk of the town; and one of the major talk show hosts wants you to be on their show!" the man states.

"Hmm…why would I want to go onto someone else's talk show?" Megatron asks inquisitively. "Well; even though it is technically their show; you go on there to promote your stuff; like a movie, a book, a new album…" "Or a master plan for global domination!" Megatron thinks to himself.

"What was that?" The man states, confused. Megatron takes a sudden breath, "Oops…did I say that out-loud?"

"Never mind…you heard nothing." Megatron quickly covers his tracks, "…But as for the talk show; I agree to the terms. When is it?" "Tomorrow!" The man proclaims. "Tomorrow! Haven't you simian simpletons ever heard of planning ahead?" Megatron mutters in shock.

Megatron sighs in acceptance, "Very well then…I'll be there tonight." He quickly scans the letter and finds the address for the studio set. "You're welcome sir!" The man states happily. "Huh…" Megatron begins as he grabs the door and steps inside, "…Don't expect any gushing gratitude, human!" And the door slams shut in the man's face with a tremendous thud.

"Heh…dragons…" the man shakes his head as he walks down the hall. Inside the room Megatron quietly watches the man makes his way down the corridor through the peephole.

As soon as the man turns the corner to another hallway Megatron whips around to see Waspinator flying behind him; trying to see what's in Megatron's hand. Megatron sneers at him angrily, "Buzz off imbecile…it's not chicken!"

Elsewhere…

"Ah what a beautiful night!" Silverbolt sighs happily as he lies in some grass in an open field in a clearing near the edge of the forest.

"Heh…you can say dat again 'Bolt!" Rattrap laughs as he sits on a rock not far away next to Cheetor, Rhinox, Shrek and Fiona. "I'm just glad that Shrek here is a good cook!" Rhinox begins, "Since there's no Energon anywhere near here this food has provided an excellent source of power for us," he laughs a little, "Not to mention a nice change from refined Energon cubes!"

"Wow!" Rattrap says as he takes another bite out of his food, "This is really good! What is it anyway?" "A weed rat…" Shrek states as he rotates his on a skewer above a fire, "…rotisserie-style!"

Almost instantly Rattrap spits out the food he just ate and begins to puke. "What's wrong?" Fiona asks as everyone looks at Rattrap concerned. "What's wrong! I'll tell ya what's wrong! I'm eating rat! I'm a RAT! Dis is cannibalism!"

In another part of the field Optimus, Donkey and Dragon sit side by side looking out across the night sky. Optimus, in gorilla mode, points out at one particular region of the night sky. "That…" Optimus begins, "…Is where I believe our home world is."

"You believe that's where it is?" Donkey utters in confusion, "Ya mean you don't know where ya came from?" "No…" Optimus gives a belly laugh, "…I mean I think that's where it is in the sense that I don't know exactly where it would be in the sky from here."

"Ooooh…" Donkey states in realization, "…So what's your home like?" Optimus looks down at him with interest, "You want to know what Cybertron's like?" "Yeah!" Donkey proclaims with excitement.

"Well…" Optimus begins, "…It's kind of like Earth, but the landscape is all metal; and the buildings stretch up and up towards the sky!" "Wow…" Donkey's mouth hangs open in awe by what Optimus told him, "By the way; where's this 'Earth' that you keep talkin' about?"

Optimus puts his head in his hand in shame, "Forget it Donkey…"

Elsewhere…

"YEE-OWWW!" King Charming screams as he rushes out of a makeshift tent. "What?" Robin Hood asks in confusion. "Why did you put your bow and arrows in my sleeping bag?" Charming shouts.

"How was I supposed to know that was where you were going to sleep?" Robin asks, "I sleep on the forest floor amongst the flowers and the trees and the leaves and the-" "Just get your stuff out of MY sleeping bag!" Charming demands.

"Besides, don't you ever look in your sleeping bag before you enter it?" Robin queries, "What if there had been a snake or something worse in there?" "Something worse?" Charming asks, confused. "Yeah…something worse." Robin states. "Like what?" Charming asks. "Like a…like a…" Robin rubs his forehead as he tries to think, "…Just give me a second here; I'll think of something."

"Like a set of razor-sharp arrows?" Charming states mockingly. "Yeah…like that!" Robin raises a finger to drive home the point (literally).

Charming sighs out-loud, "Ah well, let's try to get some sleep. By the time we wake up they'll be open for business." "Yes, I suppose you're right." Robin begins, "Too bad we got here so late…Ii can't believe they closed at half-past mid-day Sun!" Charming and Robin share a laugh and they make their way back inside the tent; Charming into his sleeping bag.

Charming closes his eyes, and begins to drift slowly into sleep; when he suddenly feels something inside the sleeping bag with him. "Mind if I join you?" Robin laughs a little as he moves around inside the sleeping bag.

"GET OUT OF MY BAG!" Charming screams. Robin quickly runs out of the bag and out of the tent.

"What are doing inside my bag?" Charming asks, a little irritated. "It's cold out here; and you know…there's spiders and snakes and gnomes and…" Robin shakes a little in fear. "Ohhh…" Charming states with realization, "…I thought you were Sir Brave Robin Hood the FEARLESS! I distinctly remember someone saying that they sleep out on the forest floor amongst the flowers and the trees and the leaves!"

"Well…that's true…" Robin begins, "…But it's usually inside a sleeping bag."

"You're more than welcome to sleep in my tent Robin…" Charming begins, "But not in my bag WITH ME!" Robin whines a little, but reluctantly agrees and crawls into the tent. "Goodnight then Charming." Robin states softly. "Goodnight Robin…" Charming replies as he snuggles into his sleeping bag, "…and I'd better not find you in here with me when I wake up!"

Time passes…

On the railing of a balcony a rooster crows majestically; his form standing proudly as he lets everyone know the morning has arrived and a brand new glorious day awaits.

But no more than a few seconds later does a ball of fire come out of nowhere and engulf the rooster, roasting him and sending him crashing to the ground below.

"Stupid bird…" Megatron grumbles as he rubs his optics and steps out onto the balcony, "…I was in the middle of a wonderful dream! I never got Optimus in a headlock like that before!"

"Hmm…" he states as he looks down at the dead bird on the ground, "…At least now I don't have to worry about finding breakfast."

Elsewhere…

"Up and at 'em!" Fiona proclaims, twirling around in the bright morning sun. "Ehhh…" Rattrap blinks awake and slowly stretches, "…'sit morning already?"

"Yep! And guess who stopped by while you were off in dream-land?" she laughs as she points to a small group not far away. "Hi!" A high pitched squeaky voice states,

"What in the name of my great ant Arcee are you?" Rattrap asks, not fully awake. "My name's Gingy, and these are my friends the big bad wolf, Pinocchio, the Magic Mirror and the three blind mice!"

"Somebody pinch me please…" Rattrap begins, "…I think I'm still dreamin'!"

Back with Megatron…

"Well…are you almost ready?" He asks Waspinator as they stand in front of a mirror.

"Huh! Wazpinator does not see why he has to wear a tuxedo!" Waspinator complains as he struggles to move in the suit. "The letter says that we need to come dressed in 'appropriate attire; such as a tuxedo, suit, or gown…and I don't think you want to wear the gown." Megatron comments.

"Wazpinator look like a girl in tuxedo! Wazpinator's bug head look like two large, plump, round-" "Oh, stop complaining!" Megatron cuts him off, "…It's either you wear that or you don't go!"

"Wazpinator want to go!" Waspinator claps his hands happily. "Well then I suggest you try to grow accustomed to that tuxedo…you'll be wearing it for the rest of the day!" Megatron states.

"Ooooh!" Waspinator stares in admiration, "…Megatron look sharp in his suit!" "Indeed…" Megatron smirks as he poses in front of the mirror, "…I am Megatron after all."

"Well, I believe it's time we left." Megatron states, "I wouldn't want to be late for our rehearsal!" "Can Wazpinator have one more piece of roasted bird before Wazpinator leave?" Waspinator asks politely. "But of course…" Megatron begins as he rips off a piece of the breakfast bird, "…But the drumstick is MINE!"

Later on…

"Ah! At long last; we are here!" Megatron proclaims as he stands in front of the door to the studio.

"Wazpinator hope that host is cute Fem-bot!" Waspinator nods slowly. Megatron hides his head in his head in shame, and proceeds to ring the doorbell without saying a word.

"Who's there?" a nasally voice asks over an intercom. "It is I, Megatron, leader of the Predacons and-" "We've been expecting you…come in!" The voice cuts him off and the door makes a buzzing noise; unlatching the lock. Megatron sneers a little, but proceeds to enter into the building.

As Megatron and Waspinator walk down the hall together they look around at all of the pictures on the walls of various humans in suits apparently talking to guests on their shows. "Humans…such a strange species…" Megatron mutters quietly to himself.

They continue walking until a man appears out of nowhere and stops them. "Who are you?" Megatron asks. "I'm the set manager here. Are you, 'Mega-ton'?" he asks. "It's Mega-tron…" Megatron growls, "…But yes, it is I."

"Good. Go over to room 3-C. There's a make-up crew that will get you prepared for the show." the man explains. "A what?" Megatron asks, confused. "You know, a make-up crew…" the man states, He raises his eyebrow; staring at Megatron in disbelief, "…You have no clue what a make-up crew is, don't you?"

"Well…" Megatron rubs his chin, looking around with shifty eyes. "I'll never understand where he gets his guests…" the man states as he walks away, shrugging his shoulders, leaving Megatron and Waspinator looking on dumb-founded.

Megatron shakes off the confusion and heads into room 3-C; and is immediately mobbed by a group of teenage girls.

"WHAT IN THE INFERNO IS GOING ON HERE!" Megatron screams as he tries to push off the rampant women. "Wazpinator is being suffocated…" Waspinator cries out as he gets buried under a pile of women.

But no sooner than it started then did it end, and the women took off down the hall. "Argh…these humans are really starting to irritate me!" Megatron sneers. "Oh…what happen?" Waspinator mutters, a little woozy and holding his head in dizziness.

"Sorry about that…" a lady states as she approaches the two bots, "…they hang around the set and try to get souvenirs and autographs off of guests." Megatron regains his composure, "Well next time tell them to call my agent first!"

"By the way, my name's Annie. I'm the hair stylist here!" the lady introduces herself. "My name's Megatron, and this is my…" Megatron quickly clears his throat, "…lieutenant Waspinator" Waspinator smiles happily and waves at her.

"Cool! Now just have a seat here and we'll see what we can do with your…" she looks up at Megatron's bald head, "…uh…you don't have any hair." Megatron merely squints in response.

"Oh well…then all you need is to know some basic ground rules then!" she states. Megatron and Waspinator sit down in chairs, but Megatron's breaks under his tremendous weight. "Hmm…stupid primitive contraptions!" he grumbles as he stands up again.

"Rule #1: Don't waste time. The host has a schedule to keep; and if he doesn't have enough time to ask you everything that he plans on; he will cut you off and go onto the next guest." she states.

"Rule #2: If the one or more of the band members try to hit on you; ignore them. That won't make them stop; but it'll save you a lot of trouble later on." she explains.

"And Rule #3: Don't ever, ever, EVER make fun of the host's hair. He HATES that!" she tells them.

"Alright…" Megatron states, "…so when do we rehearse?" "You don't." she tells him. "What?" Megatron asks. "You don't…it's all unscripted. You just go out there; he asks you a few questions, there's a few laughs, and you leave. Simple as that." she explains.

"Well…with the exception of one little skit…" she begins and hands Megatron a black robe, "Let me explain this to you…"

"Hmm…Wazpinator has a bad feeling about this…" Waspinator states. "Quiet…" Megatron snarls, "…What do you know?"

Back with the Maximals…

"Man, I've been flipping through channels all day; there's nothing on at all!" Pinocchio complains as he sits in front of the Magic Mirror with the sunset in the background.

"Anything good on? Knights? Wheel of Torture? Who wants to be a Gladiator?" Gingy asks. "Nah…" Pinocchio begins; then something suddenly dawns on him, "Oh wait! I know what we could watch!" "What's that?" Gingy asks. "You'll see…" Pinocchio trails off as he signals everyone else to come join him and Gingy; and they all make their way over and sit behind them and start watching as a new show comes on.

"From NBC Studios in DuLoc; it's Late Night with Conan O'Brien!" the T.V. announces as the intro theme music begins to play. "Oh I love Conan!" Gingy giggles with delight.

The T.V. continues with the intro, "Tonight from the planet Cybertron and fresh out of the Beast Wars, Predacon Commander Megatron and his lieutenant Waspinator!"

"WHAT!" All of the Maximals scream at the exact same moment.

"Now this I gotta see!" Donkey pokes his head through the crowd as all the Maximals exchange looks of dumb-found confusion and disbelief.

"And here's your host, CONAN O-BRI-EN!" The announcer finishes as Conan makes his way onto the stage and gives the crowd a little taste of his string dance while Max Weinberg finishes off the opening theme.

"Alright keep cool my babies…" Conan waves his hands to signal the crowd to calm down, "…I'm here all night." A quick rim shot from Max adds a nice touch.

After the crowd finally starts to settle down, Conan smiles at them, "Wow, have we got the goods tonight! Yeah; isn't that right Max?" "Uh-huh." Max replies without emotion, leaving Conan to laugh to himself, "That was very nice Max…you read that wonderfully."

"But seriously, we've got the goods tonight! Yay…normally we have just a bunch of people on; but tonight we have a couple of robots from another world!" He exclaims to the audience, "And what's more amazing is that they haven't even invented robots yet!" The crowd erupts in laughter.

"How could this have happened?" Optimus asks himself. "Yeah; tell me about it. Old Mega-Jerk gets a gig on a talk show, and I don't!" Rattrap comments. "Shut up Rattrap." Optimus quietly replies as he begins to watch the show again.

"…In other news the King of DuLoc, Arthur Charming, has mysteriously left the city." Conan explains as he looks around at the audience for understanding, "Yeah…some say that it has something to do with Megatron; but it's really because Doris finally kicked him out of the castle." Once again; the crowd bursts into laughter.

"And the King and Queen of Far Far Away officially announced that they are thinking about expanding the kingdom…yeah…in a related story, LaBamba is thinking about expanding into gentlemen's clubs." And while the crowd laughs hysterically; LaBamba stares at Conan with contempt and innocence.

"Tonight on the program we have Megatron; leader of the Predacons! And also we have his lieutenant Waspinator!" Conan explains. "See…I told ya so!" Rattrap sticks his tongue out at Blackarachnia, and she shakes her head and mocks him.

"And right over here Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7…MAX!" Conan shouts as he gestures the camera to switch over to a shot of Max happily pounding away on the drums.

After his little intro number, Max puts both of his drumsticks into his hand and passes the show back over to Conan; who is now seated behind his desk sipping a cup of what appears to be coffee (though no one's really sure).

"Thank you Max…" Conan states as he puts the cup down. "…You know, every once and a while here on Late Night we get to wondering about what is really out there; and what the future holds in store for us…and with tonight's guests it's really made me wonder even more than usual; so I think it's time we look into the future…"

From behind the curtains Megatron comes out; clad in the black robe with white studs around the collar. "The future Conan?" Megatron asks. "Yes Megatron that's right, the future; all the way to the year 1000!"

"In the year 1000; in the year 1000!" LaBamba sings in a high voice. Megatron is now seated next to Conan; and even seated he still towers over Conan.

"Shopping malls will no longer be built once it is learned that the former lord of DuLoc; Faarquad; intended to turn the entire kingdom into one." Conan states, followed by laughter and LaBamba singing once again.

"Cybertron will finally begin a golden era of peace once they learn that Optimus Primal and his crew are not coming back!" Megatron smirks at his own words. "EH! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Cheetor growls and shakes his fist at the Magic Mirror.

"People will finally accept that King Charming's wife, Doris, is really a woman when she becomes pregnant with their child. Then everyone will faint from shock." Conan smiles and the audience responds with even more laughter.

"I, Megatron, will finally gain ultimate power and conquer Cybertron. Then I'll find out that I'm only a cartoon." Megatron laughs a little as he delivers the joke.

LaBamba sings one last time and the lights raise on the set; and the audience claps and cheers. "We'll be right back with more of Megatron and Waspinator after these messages!" Conan states as they break for commercials.

"Eh…old prune face is funnier than I remember…" Blackarachnia laughs a little. "Maybe so…but if I know Megatron he's got something up his sleeve…" Optimus states with great caution. "And what a nice sleeve it is too…" Silverbolt states, "…I mean did you see those slick black pants!"

Everyone turns around slowly and looks at Silverbolt with looks of 'did he really just say that?'. "What?" Silverbolt asks, confused.

"Hey…It's back on!" Shrek states, drawing everyone's attention back to the Magic Mirror.

"My first guests are from the planet of Cybertron; a metal world where robots reign supreme and people don't exist. He was also the commander of an elite group of Predacons during a series of battles known as the 'Beast Wars'…" Conan explains. "Yeah…elite my skidplate!" Rattrap mocks, "…They were about as elite as a clogged muffler!"

"Please give a round of applause for Megatron and his lieutenant Waspinator!" Conan states as he rises from his chair. Megatron and Waspinator walk through the curtain and shake hands with Conan and take their seats.

Waspinator looks down at his cup, "Ah…Wazpinator wanted energon!" Megatron hides his face in shame as the audience and Conan laugh. "Now you see why I hesitate to use the term lieutenant with him." Megatron explains to Conan.

"Hehe…I see…" Conan states. "Well…it's good to have you here!" "My pleasure…" Megatron states in a debonair voice.

"So, what made you come all the way from Cybertron to Earth?" Conan asks. "You see; I had in my possession a disk that gave the location of a major energy source for us; and I took my crew and made my way here to Earth. But unfortunately my ship was pursued by my nemesis Optimus Primal; and he and his crew attacked us; and we all crash landed." Megatron explains.

"We fought many long and tiring battles; but in the end Optimus and his men had a narrow victory over me…" Megatron states. "And is that what brings you to DuLoc?" Conan asks. "No…" Megatron corrects him, "…You see; the Maximals under Optimus Primal's command were about to leave Earth when the ship's engines gave out. It ended up travelling forward in time; and crashed just outside of DuLoc. I was fortunate enough to escape…" Megatron turns and looks at Waspinator briefly, "…But unfortunate to be tracked down by my lieutenant."

The audience laughs again, and Conan chuckles a little. "Why do you dislike Waspinator so much?" Conan asks. "Because he's not exactly the smartest chip on the old CPU." Megatron explains, leaving the audience a little confused by his choice of analogy.

"So Waspinator…" Conan begins as he addresses Waspinator, "…What are your plans now that you are in DuLoc?" "Hmm…" Waspinator thinks to himself for a second, "…Wazpinator will get job at Friar's Fat Boy!" "Why there?" Conan asks, laughing a little. "Because Wazpinator get all the food Wazpinator want; get paid money; and…" Waspinator straightens his suit and smiles at the camera, "…Wazpinator get to meet lots of cute ladies…!"

The audience makes oooh and ahhh noises; as well as various amounts of laughter thrown in. "Well; I'd like to thank you all again for coming…" Conan begins; but then stops. "Oh yeah; forget to mention something…" he states as he turns towards the camera, "…Megatron and Waspinator are looking for recruits to assist in their battle against Optimus Primal and his Maximals!"

"What!" Optimus states in shock. "That's right!" Megatron proclaims; almost as if he heard Optimus, "I know that you're still out there somewhere Primal; and once I have my army you will NOT be able to stop me!"

"Uh-oh…" Rattrap states in fear. "This ain't good, right?" Donkey asks in confusion. "No…it isn't…" Optimus states in stark realization at what Megatron is planning to do, "…If Megatron succeeds; we'll all be destroyed!"

"Not if we have anything to say about it!" Fiona proclaims. Shrek nudges her a little; unsure about her enthusiasm; but she nudges him back. "Oh yeah…sure…" Shrek adds in, "…You can depend on us Optimal Primus…heh." "I'm counting on that…" Optimus states and then frowns, "…And for the last time; it's Optimus Primal!"

Author's Notes:

What will happen next? Who are Charming and Robin Hood meeting up with? Will the Maximals and Shrek be able to stop Megatron in his evil scheme to take over DuLoc and the rest of the world?

Keep watching…