Chapter 1: Hopes and Fears

She would be having Xingese takeout today. She didn't enjoy eating out that much, but she was more tired than usual as she walked back to her new apartment which was only about 15 minutes from Central HQ. Being the babysitter of Colonel Roy Mustang was a chore that required much energy. Or, at least, it use to be. The death of Maes Hughes seemed to have left Mustang sullen and quiet. Gone were the days of bragging about his womanizing to a envious Havoc (she usually found herself inexplicably irritated when she overheard them), the ranting about useless topics to stall the process of paperwork, all of it seemed to have vanished overnight. Nowadays, the Colonel was in his office on time, did his paperwork on time, then delved into his own notes, pausing only to sign new stacks of paper as they arrived on his desk. Then at 1900 hours, he was gone; mumbling goodbyes to herself, Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery. While the thought of the Colonel finishing all his work on time would usually be a relief to Riza Hawkeye, it was not. While Hughes death had touched everyone in a negative way, she did not enjoy the thought of her Colonel suddenly changing before her eyes. The Colonel, she corrected herself quickly. Clutching a small box of Xingese noodles in one hand and her bag in the other, she stumbled toward her door and entered her home.

No sooner had she put down her luggage on the table than a ball of black and white fur collided with her leg. Black Hayate had grown a bit since the day she adopted him from Fuery, but his canine energy had not waned one bit. She smiled, perhaps for the first time all day, and knelt down to pet her surrogate son. Before, she would have cringed at the idea that she would be one of those pet lovers who would coo over their animals and call themselves "mommy" or "daddy" and spend a ridiculous amount of money on them. And while she had certainly not spent much money at all, she couldn't resist the natural charms of the puppy.

"Mommys so glad to see you again." She said to him in a soft voice, then chuckled to herself as she realized what she had just said. Hayate, in turn, barked happily and licked Riza's outstretched hand. She played with her dog for a little while more, then went to her kitchen to feed him. If anyone saw her being so affectionate to Black Hayate, she swore she would put two bullets in each leg and one in their head, before turning the gun on herself for being so careless.

Affection… she thought to herself as she sat down with her own food while watching Hayate dig into his. Why am I so afraid of showing affection? After all, I am a woman, and its perfectly fine for a woman to be like that….right? She twirled her fork around the thin noodles, but didn't lift it to her mouth. Well, I may be a woman, but I am also 1st Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, a dog of a dog of the military. I cannot show weakness… at this, she put down her barely-eaten food and stared out the window. A light rain was falling, light enough for people on the street to still hustle around with no umbrella, but heavy enough to remind people that they were getting wet. Wet enough to put Roy in danger…. She once again snapped herself out of her doldrums. She could not believe that she was thinking about the Colonel so much. Yes, Colonel Roy Mustang was a great and noble person underneath the arrogant and sneering surface, and that surface also happened to be quite sexy. Listening to gossip around the woman's lavatory in both Eastern and Central HQ had confirmed her belief that she was only one of many who wouldn't mind having a piece of that surface. That only infuriated her more. Snap out of it you, The voice of reason in her head commanded; He is your commanding officer, and you don't have time to fall for a person like him! You don't have time to fall for anyone right now, as a matter of fact...

"Why not? I am a human being, I should be able to fall in love!" Riza said out loud, her face screwing up in a mask of irritation that Hayate took notice of.

You're such a retard! The voice retorted; Have you forgotten your mission? The reason you can't love is because there is someone…you need to…protect….. At this, both Riza and the voice of reason fell silent for a moment.

She had been such a hypocrite, she realized. Here she was admonishing Roy in her mind for keeping his thoughts to himself, but in reality, she was doing the same thing; hiding all her fears and concerns about life behind her stone-faced office façade. She was a human being too; she had needs that had to be filled that went beyond physical. IN the dark of the night, she thought about many things… Will I be in the military forever? What will I do if I ever quit? The military's been my life since age 17…how will I cope?...will I ever get married? She knew that her dreams may be tame compared to other people's, but after all the life she had been living was so different from what most people would ever experience. To just settle down with a man and be a housewife seemed to be a gift; a gift that she could presently see no way of attaining. Soft tears slid their way down her cheeks as she contemplated the great unknown that was called the future. She furiously wiped them off her face and stood up. Changing into her nightgown, she decided to just sleep early and be fresh for tomorrow. Kissing Black Hayate goodnight, she slid onto her bed and soon fell asleep.

That night, she dreamed that she was getting married on a hilltop on a sunny summer day. The blur of faces that was the crowd cheered and the minister pronounced the happy couple husband and wife. And while the face of her dream man never seemed to materialize before her eyes, she embraced him and whispered "Colonel…." For just one night, she was what she was; a lonely girl living by herself in the big city. Tomorrow, she would put on her blue uniform and her invisible mask, and it would be business as usual.