Regrets

By Bernadeen

Rated: K+

Disclamer: Disclaimers: I don't own and claim no rights to any of these wonderful characters. This story is only for entertainment purposes.

Summary: After the events of 2003 – Harm's trial for murder, Mac's mission with Webb in Paraguay, Harm's leaving the Navy to save her, Mac's telling Harm they can never be together, and Harm's time in the CIA – very little of their friendship remains, until Mac must face the possibility of losing Harm forever.

A/N: I know nothing about the physical characteristics of the Naval base at San Diego. I'm going for a logical description (I hope), not an accurate one.

Chapter 1

January 2004

San Diego NAS

1400 PST

Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr., pushed open the heavy steel door of the central command building and stepped out into the mild southern California afternoon. He breathed deeply and smiled. Somewhere along the way he had forgotten how much he enjoyed the climate here, especially compared to the damp cold of a DC winter. He and Lt. Colonel Sarah MacKenzie had just finished up a case and their transport back east wasn't scheduled to leave until 1800. The bright sunshine and mild breezes beckoned Harm as he strolled aimlessly along the maze of sidewalks linking the many buildings of the Navy base. Without conscious thought, he found himself on a small rise of ground laid out with flower beds and several benches. It was located near the entrance buildings and was used by visitors to the base. Several trees shaded the area. Standing beside one of the trees, Harm could look out over the base buildings and see the blue of the ocean beyond, alive with the constant movement of both pleasure boats and Navy ships.

With a sigh, Harm leaned his hip against the back of a bench and forced himself to relax and enjoy the calming view and balmy temperatures. It had been a satisfying investigation. He and Mac seemed to be working better together. Regretfully he acknowledged that it wasn't like it used to be, but also regretfully he now believed they would never again have that close relationship they once had. Best friends and devoted partners who would always back each other in any situation – that was what they once were. Now they were nothing more than colleagues who respected each other's abilities. He had told her once that what he wanted most was never to lose her, but he had lost her anyway.

Harm narrowed his eyes as he gazed into the distance and contemplated the year that has just ended. 2003 had not been a good year for Harmon Rabb. First there was Lt. Singer's murder. He had been sure that Sergei was the father of her child and feared he might be involved in her death. Instead, the Admiral asked Harm whether he was the father of Singer's baby. Though he quickly withdrew the question, it was hurtful to Harm that the Admiral had enough doubt to ask. Then to be actually charged and tried for her murder. And during all that time, his so-called friends from JAG were conspicuously absent. He understood the need for them to remain distant because several were called to testify. Even so, he had expected Mac to communicate with him somehow. But she hadn't .. not a word. Not until well after the trial was over and she came to his apartment to tell him about her mission to Paraguay. Even then she just dropped the news on him that she was going on a dangerous mission and left before he could even tell her to be careful or wish her luck.

He forced his thoughts to stop here. Though the following months had had their high points, he really didn't want to think about them. When he did, what he always remembered first was the fact that he gave up everything to go after Mac, and she threw it all back in his face. The one lasting good that emerged from Harm's career and personal low point was Mattie. She was quite a girl, he thought to himself, smiling. He was looking forward to getting home to see what new challenges she had for him.

As he stood lost in thought, Harm felt Mac's presence even before she spoke. Damn, they had always had a link and it seemed as though it still existed, in spite of both their efforts to break it. Mac came to stand beside him, and also turned her gaze to the water. After a moment of not entirely comfortable silence, Mac said wistfully, "I'm almost tempted to go UA just so I could stay here instead of going back to the cold."

"It wouldn't work, you know. Kansas has nasty winters, too, I hear." Harm teased, referring to the federal prison at Leavenworth where military deserters were sent. "Besides, you've got a lot to go back to in DC."

"Yeah," Mac responded without conviction.

Harm finally turned to look at her, then looked away again. He couldn't keep a tiny note of bitterness out of his voice. "Come on, Mac. I would have thought you're exactly where you want to be both professionally and personally."

Mac didn't answer right away. When she did, her voice was quiet and sad. "2003 was a difficult year. I can only hope 2004 will be better."

"You sound like you have regrets," he said, surprised.

"Hindsight is always 20-20. You know that, Harm. I would have done some things differently if I had known the consequences."

"Wouldn't we all. But that's not ever going to happen. All we can do is learn to live with those consequences." Harm waited for Mac to keep the conversation going. When she didn't, he found himself saying, "Okay. If you could do just one thing differently last year, what would it be?"

After a few seconds, Mac said slowly, "There's so much …but if I could change just one thing … it would be what I said to you at the hotel just before we left Paraguay."

That got Harm's attention. He gave her a hard look, though she continued to look straight ahead. Suddenly it felt like they were on dangerous ground again. Almost afraid to ask the question, he couldn't stop himself. "What would you change?"

"I wouldn't have said it."

He was even more afraid to ask the next question but it was equally impossible to stop himself. "Do you… do you think you were wrong?"

Mac turned and raised her eyes to his. The pain and confusion she saw there forced her to look away quickly. "No, I don't think I was wrong. I believed what I said … but that doesn't mean I wanted it to be true. I guess I was trying to find a reason why we never could get past a certain point. We're too competitive and we … we just don't care for each other enough to overcome it."

Harm's voice was quiet with anger when he answered, "I told you once before .. you have no idea how I feel. I gave up .. as you so touchingly put it .. all I had .. to find you in Paraguay. In spite of all the knocks I took afterward, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I thought you understood that …" Harm stopped speaking, clamping down on his anger. With a defeated sigh, he suddenly felt drained. He had worked so hard to make himself believe that he didn't still want more than friendship from Mac. With just a few words, she had ripped open the wound he thought had begun to heal.

Mac looked surprised by his outburst. Before she could say anything, Harm continued, in a quietly controlled voice, "Look, I'm sorry I asked you what you'd change. It was a stupid question since it's all in the past and can't be changed." He pushed away from the bench he had been leaning against. "The car to the airfield will be leaving soon," he stated and walked back toward the office building.

The flight back to DC was uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. They were on a C-130 slumped in the removable seats along the cold wall of the plane. Harm ignored Mac, sitting on the opposite side of the plane, and talked with other sailors and Marines on board.

Mac, for her part, sat quietly, deep in thought. She had spoken the truth … she deeply regretted her statement that she and Harm had no future together. At the time she had believed it was true, but, as she tried to explain to Harm, her saying it didn't mean it was what she wanted. She knew what she wanted .. she wanted Harm .. she always had. But he always seemed just out of reach so she looked elsewhere. How could she have thought she would find what she needed from another man. She should have learned her lesson with Mic. While she cared for him and she knew he loved her, the possible fulfillment of her dream of a family wouldn't have been enough. Why was she now trying to find what she was seeking with Clayton Webb?

She and Clay had shared a terrifying experience in Paraguay. It created a bond, but their relationship offered none of the promises of family that she wanted. Clay's job was too dangerous .. too secretive. There was nothing but shifting sands to try to build a life on. Clay didn't know what he really wanted. He was still recovering from his experience in South America. He thought he wanted her, but she didn't think Clay would let his defenses down enough to really build a strong relationship. It would make him too vulnerable, personally, emotionally, and professionally. It wasn't going to work with Clay. Mac sighed and rested her head back against the wall of the plane as she finally admitted that truth to herself. Perhaps she and Clay could still help each other, offer support, continue a selective friendship, in the future. But she knew she needed to make it clear that she couldn't visualize any version of her dream in their future .. no home in the suburbs and children playing in the back yard.

She looked across to where Harm was now sitting quietly, apparently in deep thought. The other passengers had all quieted down for the long flight, and he appeared to be oblivious of his surroundings. She wondered what he was thinking about .. then chided herself that, through her own doing, she no longer had any right to wonder that. Letting her head fall forward, she stared at the scuffed gray floor of the plane as she thought about how she had messed up things again. She knew she was a tuff Marine, a good lawyer, had excellent investigative skills and a quick mind. It was in personal things that she just kept falling short. At least she had been able to control her alcohol addiction, though her uncle Matt and the Marine Corps had played a big role in that. She could feel the regrets closing in like a damp fog swirling from the sea over land, bringing a gray blur to clear vision, almost smothering with its claustrophobic shroud.

With a conscious mental shift, she pulled away from the dark thoughts. There was no point in dwelling on past mistakes. She had done some things right, hadn't she? Chloe, for one. She believed she had really helped the little girl when her rebellion could have caused her long-term problems. Finding that her father was alive and wanted her had made Mac feel good. And she had supported Harm personally and professionally … at this thought, Mac had to admit to herself that had once been true but wasn't any longer. The change started when each had taken their turn on the bench. Harm had acted unprofessionally, in her opinion, but she hadn't been any better when his turn had come. In fact, she had requested the Admiral to remove Harm from the case. Then during the whole investigation and trial for Lt. Singer's murder .. she'd been ordered to stay clear of Harm but she should have tried to do something. He had to feel betrayed by his friends. Then he was no more back in the office and she was off to Paraguay with Webb. And now her thoughts had brought her full circle .. back to the present situation.

What did she want? Could she be honest with herself for just a few minutes and answer that question? What she wanted was Harmon Rabb's love. Wow. She had never allowed that clear, simple desire to form so precisely in her mind. For a few minutes she let her mind drift .. indulging herself in a dream of happiness .. a dream where she and Harm loved each other, where she and Harm were engaged .. where they were married .. where she was carrying his child .. where they shared the joy and frustrations of raising children … As these images were suddenly clear in her mind, she glanced across the plane and surprised Harm staring at her. He looked away quickly, but not before she saw the sadness there. Once again she felt the guilt for causing her one-time best friend so much unhappiness.

Maybe it wasn't too late. After all, she was the one who had declared that they had no future. What if she declared that they did have a future? Let Harmon Rabb try to dodge that one. She felt a little smile tip the corners of her mouth as some of her natural good humor began to reassert itself. She was a tough Marine .. she could handle a squid, couldn't she? She knew she had been the prickly one, withdrawing from Harm's tentative attempts to regain their friendship. Why had she done that? It seemed like she had no choice at the time, but now it seemed all wrong.

First of all, she had to end things with Clay. Then she had to see if anything could be salvaged of her friendship with Harm.

End Chapter 1