Requiem for Ranma
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standard disclaimers

Author's Notes
I know where the Shakespeare quotes come from- Helena, however, does not.
To Rose: For helping me get addicted to Ranma, you can take the blame for this!!! (I swear, I'll get even!) :-)

Helena's Opening Remarks:
What follows if excerpts from my diary. Most of these entries are directly taken from it. I got into the habit of keeping a daily diary shortly after moving to Nerima, and these excerpts relate directly to the phenomena that was Ranma. I DID have a life outside of watching Ranma, but I'm sure none of you are interested in that.

December 26, 1985
I need a diary to vent, so here goes.
I really should have learned to speak Japanese when I was younger. I mean, my father IS a business man after all. Japanese is rapidly becoming one of the major languages of trade, but did silly me pay any attention? No, of course not. I decided to learn French. Thought it would be more practical. And now here I am, stuck in Japan.
Don't get me wrong. I speak Japanese well enough to survive my high school, and I read and write better then most of the locals. It's just that I feel that I'm missing something.
When I first moved to Nerima, I was expecting some culture shock. After all, I was an American who had never left the country (the occasional trips to Canada were, to my mind, unimportant). I just wasn't expecting quite what I got.
On my first day at Furinkan high-school, the first person I ran into was Kuno Tatewaki, captain of the Kendo team, president, and "Whirling Tornado" of Furinkan (he would later change it numerous times until "Blue Thunder" stuck. His obsession with natural phenomenon (stars, thunder, rushing water, wind....) should be noted). After learning my name was Helena, he immediately began to call me, "Goddess, nymph, divine, and rare; precious, celestial". I recognized it as a translated quote from Shakespeare (either a Midsummer Night's Dream or The Taming of the Shrew, I forget). I smiled at him, wondering exactly what his psychiatric condition was.
Kuno-san abandoned me abruptly as screams began from the entrance. I spun around, watching as a girl beat up over half the school's male population. She was rather good at fighting, and I made a mental note to stay on her good side.
Aside from the differences in our education system, that was about as strange as things got, at least at the beginning. Every morning I watched the girl (whom I learned was named Tendo Akane) beat up the guys. It was a regular spectacle. Apparently, all those guys were after her, and she didn't like it. I couldn't quite see why she had attracted all that male attention. She was pretty, but nothing really special. Must have been all that playing hard to get she did.
Not that I was jealous. With my blonde hair and blue eyes, I was something unique myself. Almost everyone in the school had the typical Japanese dark coloring, so I really stood out. I had to persuade a few of the guys that everything they had heard about "American Women" wasn't true. Those boys were awfully grabby. Seemed the only way to truly discourage them was a few well-placed kicks. Not EVERYONE in Japan is a martial artist, and few of them were expecting how vehement I was about protecting myself. Self-defense 101- play dirty. A few of them STILL haven't had their voices return to normal yet, now that I think of it.....
One day things changed, and the world as Furinkan High knew it came crashing down. Things began as usual, with Akane beating up the male population of the school. However, this time she had a new audience; a handsome young man with his silky black hair pulled back into a pigtail. And so it began- Saotome Ranma had entered our lives.
Ranma. I get shudders just thinking of him. Not because he handsome- he is- but because of his martial arts skills. He also has a skill for attracting trouble like angora attracts animal fur, and when you throw his curse in on top of it.....
I'm getting ahead of myself. Ranma soon antagonized Kuno (not surprising- it was inevitable) and gave him a sound beating. I was wondering how far it would go when it started to rain lightly. A panda grabbed Ranma and dashed inside.
A panda? you ask. That's what I thought. A wild animal, running on its hind legs..... helping a teenager (though I wondered why it would want to protect Kuno- he wasn't worth protecting, what with his annoying poetry and arrogant attitude). But as I was to learn, a walking panda was the most normal thing there was in this town.
I'm sure you've heard it all before. About his water thing, so I won't go into it. For some reason, though, I seem to be the only person sane enough to realize that this was just NOT NORMAL- and NOT POSSIBLE. Everyone sorta nods and smiles, saying they pity Ranma for his curse. A curse? Yeah, right. But I still can't deny the evidence of my own eyes, and Ranma certainly turns into a very, um, well-stacked red-head (I wonder about the red hair- shouldn't it be black? I mean, if it was only a "female" version of himself..... smack me for wondering off topic. My apologies.)
Every time I see Ranma, I get the urge to call the National Inquirer. The money signs are very tempting, but then again, I wouldn't live to spend it. Ranma NEVER fights with females if he can avoid it, but that wouldn't stop him from seriously maiming me if I decided to spread his secret globally. And if he didn't, then Akane, Ukyou, or Shampoo would do it for him. Maybe even Nabiki, for cutting in on her profit.
I STILL don't see why all those fiancees keep crawling out of the woodwork. And to be sure, Kodachi's claim is..... questionable at best. And yet Ranma still tolerates her. He is SUCH a womanizer.
Kodachi sets a bad example for the rest of the female population of Nerima. She has absolutely NO RIGHT to claim Ranma as her beloved (everyone can see he despises her). One must always remember, though, that insanity runs in the Kuno family. Still, it makes it rather tempting to think that any female could get his attention by claiming to be his fiancee.
Not that I would want to be- hell, who am I kidding? I would LOVE to be..... Ranma has this quality about him- charisma doesn't even begin to describe it. Soemtimes at night I go to sleep, dreaming of his beautiful eyes. A hopeless crush- the safest kind.

January 2, 1986
I was always a spectator of THE WONDERFUL (AND WACKY) WORLD OF RANMA. Aside from placing a few bets with Nabiki on Ranma's fights (always on Ranma- my Daddy didn't raise a fool), I just watched. Sometimes I wanted to get closer, but like a moth, I knew I would get scorched if I came too close to the flame that was Ranma. And I was right.
It started out as a normal enough day. I walked into school ten minutes earlier, making sure I had enough time to watch the daily Kuno-Ranma spat. Sure enough, three minutes before class was to begin, Ranma bounced into the yard with amazing energy. His fiancee, Akane, followed closely behind. Ranma headed for the door, determined, as always to make it on time for class- and who knows? He might actually be able to..... someday. Today was not that promised day, though.
Kuno cornered Ranma, and Ranma, with the air of bored impatience, slammed Kuno skyward. I watched at Kuno-san flew through the air, conveniently in the direction of the nearest hospital. I would hate to be Kuno's insurance provider.
Ranma continued onwards, only to be met by Ryouga. Ryouga is as gorgeous as Ranma, but a lot denser. If it wasn't for that temper of his, I would be tempted to put up with his stupidity. That and the fact he gets lost looking for the bathroom.
Anyway, Ryouga swung that umbrella of his (which I've heard weighs a LOT) at Ranma, who avoided it. Then Ryouga whipped off one of those bandannas of his, tossing it will a skilled flick of his wrist. The bandanna whirled with deadly speed at Ranma, who diverted it by kicking it just right.
Unfortunately, it just wasn't my lucky day. The damn thing whipped towards my head, and before I knew it, it hit.
I woke up an hour later in the hospital. To my surprise, Ranma and Akane had decided to accompany me. I opened my eyes to the site of Akane berating her fiancee to behave himself. I looked at them both, struck by what an attractive couple they made. Akane noticed I was awake.
"I am so sorry, Helena-san," she said.
"Not your fault," I replied. My accent was thick enough for even me to hear it. Getting hit in the head wasn't good for my thought processes. I put my hand to my forehead, wincing.
"You're gonna have a scar," Ranma informed me. It was the first time he had ever addressed me directly, but I was in too much pain to enjoy his attention. "I'm sorry about this," he said. His face was very contrite.
I tried to smile. "How many stitches?" I asked Akane.
"Five," she said. "It's right on your hairline, so if you wear your hair right, it should cover it."
My pretend smile turned into a wince. "Well, I was meaning to get it restyled," I said, trying to comfort Ranma. He looked upset.
"My fights shouldn't hurt an innocent bystander. Unfortunately, Ryouga got lost on his way here. He wanted to apologize as well." Ranma reached down and picked up a pig I hadn't noticed before. The pig nodded, almost as though he understood. I frowned. The bandanna it was wearing looked very familiar.. almost like the one I had been hit with.
"I'm sure he did," I said softly. "Everyone knows of Ryouga's... problem," I said, staring at the pig.
The pig seemed to flush, and I nodded at it. I looked at Akane, who seemed oblivious. Did she not suspect anything? I wondered.
Ranma and Akane left, but I had to stay the night at the hospital. They wanted to make sure I hadn't had any serious head trauma.

Jan 10, 1986

Not much to report. My head is still hurting sometimes, but Akane is being almost friendly with me. She keeps telling me the strangest stories about Ranma... maybe I should write them down. If I didn't know Ranma, I'd be disinclined to believe her. It seems Ranma is an even bigger trouble magnet then I thought he was. The students at school don't know the half of it.

Jan 14, 1986

I finally ran into Ryouga today. He started to stammer an apology, but was interrupted when Ukyou swung her spatula into his head. I watched the two, trying to hide my amazement. Even though Kounji Ukyou was suppose to be Ranma's fiancee (his kawaii one at that), there was more chemistry between Ryouga and Ukyou. They reminded me of Ranma and Akane, to tell the truth.
She was muttering something about Ryouga managing to get lost at the wrong time. She grabbed him by his ear and dragged him off. I watched them go, making a mental note to be extra careful for a while. When one of the fiancees began talking to Ranma's enemies, disaster was sure to ensue.

Jan 15, 1986

Remember what I said about disaster? I was right. Nabiki was selling the story this morning.
Lately, I've spent more money for the news of Ranma's life then I have on manga. But Ranma is certainly more entertaining.

Jan 18, 1986

Shampoo poisoned the school with some kind of love-spice. I swear, I've never seen so many people necking at the same time. Daisuke was embarrassed about it afterward, but I'm not. It seems he's a lot shyer then most people give him credit for. But he's a good kisser.

Jan 23, 1986

A Ryouga attack on Ranma... made 500 yen. I should have bet more. The fight was closer then most people thought it would be. Right now Ryouga's in trouble with the school. Seems his "Breaking Point" is damaging the foundations of the buildings in the area.

Jan 29, 1986

Yet another Ranma-related incident. I'm starting to get tired of it all. While it's interesting, it'd be nice to have a few weeks of peace and quiet.

Feb 2, 1986

Ranma's dead.

Feb 4, 1986

I know it's been a while since I've written-OK, maybe two days, but it feels like an eternity. I simply can't believe it. Ranma was.... Ranma. I can't believe he's dead. And neither can anyone else.
Akane's gotten really quiet. The fire that made her so attractive to all of the men seems to have burned itself out. I hate to admit it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she followed him into the grave. As much as they fought, they really loved each other. I've always laughed at the term "soul mates" but now I'm not so sure.
Ukyou seems to be taking it surprisingly well. She's a stronger person then the rest of his fiancees. Her eyes are terribly sad, but that's to be expected. Surprisingly, Ryouga has moved in with her. He's shaken up, badly.
Shampoo, Ranma's other fiancee, left for China. She was upset, but not heartbroken. The Nekohanten is closed now. Cologne and Mousse, the rest of what was referred to as the "China Gang" left with her.
The rest of Furinkin seems to be wandering around in a state of disbelief. It wasn't suppose to happen. Ranma was so graceful. That stupid fence shouldn't have broken.

Feb 5, 1986

Tomorrow's the funeral. I don't want to go.
I've been reflecting on what happened. It seems so very wrong.
The day began as any other. Ranma fought Kuno, fell asleep in class, and managed to annoy Akane into malleting him through the ceiling. Finally the school day was over, and we all left. No new villain had appeared, so it was a quiet day.
I wasn't there for the rest of it. I'll tell you what I heard from Nabiki (surprisingly, she didn't charge me).
Ranma and Akane were on their way home, arguing. It started to rain, and of course Ranma's curse was triggered. It seems so stupid now. He was so busy cursing fate that he failed to notice the fence was collapsing under his weight. He screamed, then fell into the river, hitting his head on a rock. Akane jumped into the river after him, but the rumors that she "swims like a hammer" aren't for nothing. She quickly was sucked under.
Surprisingly, it was Happosai who fished them both out. He'd been around the corner, planning an ambush since he had realized Ranma would be in girl-form due to the rain. Akane was just a little water logged; she'd nearly drowned often enough to develop a remarkable ability to hold her breath. But Ranma... well, Ranma didn't make it.
They (whoever "they" are) said that he was dead even before he hit the river. The rock had done its work. Akane, though, seems to blame herself. She was the only one there. What was funny is the fact that they fished out a MALE Ranma; apparently, death is a cure to a Jusenkyo curse. Too damned ironic. In death, Ranma had finally found the cure.
Ranma had excellent balance, and air-combat was his specialty. I keep wondering why he didn't land on his feet, like a cat. But even the best make mistakes; unfortunately, this one was fatal.
It seems very wrong- I keep saying that, don't I? Well, it's the truth. Ranma should have died in glorious combat, or saving the world, not because of some stupid fence. Death is so pointless.

Feb 6, 1986

They held the funeral today. It was a Western one, which surprised me. But then again, Ranma and Akane were to be married in a church. The Tendos are Christian. Maybe that's why.
They had two pictures: one of Ranma in each form. It were those, more then anything, that made Kuno finally realize that "Osage no Onna" and Ranma were the same. He sat in the back, quietly. He was one of the few.
Rather then the dignified ceremony Ranma deserved, he ended up with a ceremony like the his life head been- chaotic. Irony continued to follow Ranma, even after his death.
Kodachi started to wail as soon as she saw the coffin. I always thought her laugh was hideous, but her demented shrieks are going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. Surprisingly, it was Happosai who stopped her. He approached her from behind, and hit a pressure point. She collapsed mid-wail, and Happosai arranged to have her removed. Amazingly, he didn't even grope her once.
The entire congregation looked at him, shocked. His eyes were solemn. "My heir is dead," he said simply.
Ranma's father and mother entered, the last to arrive. They walked up to the coffin. I've never seen such a look on anyone's face. No one should have to deal with the pain of loosing their child.
The priest began the ceremony. I simply stood there, numb beyond belief. "Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust," are the only words I can recall clearly. It seemed so wrong that they be applied to Ranma- Ranma, who was the most vital person I had ever encountered. Ranma had had the luck of the Gods. Ranma was the one who was destined for great things.
After the funeral, we all followed the Saotome family out to the graveyard. I watched as the pall bearers (one of whom was Ryouga) slid his coffin into the device that would lower it into the grave.
One by one we approached, each of us laying a personal item that would join his body. Ukyou placed her battle spatula, and Ryouga his umbrella. Without Ranma, the fighting in Nerima would certainly decrease. Kuno place roses, both black and red, on top of the spatula. He quietly explained he was doing so for his sister as well as him.
There were others. Nabiki placed a small box labeled "PHOTOS" while Kasumi laid her broom down. Then there was Hinako-sensei, Tsubasa, Mikado, Azusa, Konatsu... almost everyone Ranma had ever encountered since returning from China I finally reached the coffin, and placed a few forget-me-nots on them. I hadn't known Ranma well, but I promised that I wouldn't forget him with that simple action.
Finally only Akane was left. First she put down the bonbori, wooden duck, and staff that the China Gang had left her for this purpose. Then she gently put down the hammer she had always hit Ranma with. Leaning over, she kissed the coffin, then vanished into the crowd. I think she left, because I didn't see her after that.
Then the started to lower the coffin into place. Saotome Nodoka picked up a handful of dirt and flung it into the hole once the coffin was in position. Then she turned and walked away, her back rigid. She never looked back.
One by one the graveside was abandoned. I waited there, watching. Finally only Ryouga and Ukyou stood there. They watched as the grave was filled in. Ryouga wrapped his arm around Ukyou's shoulders. "It wasn't suppose to be like this," he said.
"I know," she whispered. "Ranma was the special one."
I watched them leave. And then I made a decision.

Feb 2, 1996

It's the tenth anniversary since Ranma's death. By now everyone knows of him. And Ukyou and Ryouga, Akane and Shampoo, Kodachi and her brother Tatewaki, Mousse and Happosai. Manga is very popular in Japanese culture, so I arrange for a famous manga artist to tell the story of these exceptional people. Most people treat it as fiction, but I know the truth. Ranma was REAL, and we all loved him. Even his enemies.
As I page through the last volume of the series, I sigh. There's no point in me telling what happened to the rest. No one would believe me anyway. It seems that Ranma was the focal point of all the chaos, and without him... things became almost normal. But only almost.
"So from here on is OVERTIME... We're off to School." I look at the ending that had frustrated so many Ranma 1/2 fans. Smiling wistfully, I wish they could see what had really happened. This was a happy ending- the one the real Ranma had deserved, but never had.

THE END