Trapdoor (Part 1)

by anza (07.11.05)

It started with one lively song. Cloud barely recognized it was no one but his brother that he was whirling around the living room floor. A half-smile was playing around his lips, trembling there as if waiting for him to set it loose from its cage in all its glory, but on his brother's lips there was a full smile and set of white teeth, egging him on. "You're doing fine," Kadaj insisted, and laughed when his face turned downward to their feet. "No looking at your feet! You'll never learn to sense what I'm going to do next that way."

His brother's green eyes sparkled, and Cloud felt uplifted yet plummeted so suddenly he was sure a trapdoor had opened beneath his feet to vanish him into unseen depths. The snatch of attraction in that faint, split-second moment could not bode well.

And then the music stopped, and Kadaj was hugging him with the exuberance of his seventeen-year-old self, a teenager whose older brother had finally gotten himself a girlfriend (and potential housekeeper; as the youngest of the four, Kadaj always kept house in the frilly pink apron that Yazoo found was great for blackmail shots if Kadaj ever got too uppity). "You'll do great," he smiled up at Cloud, and something sharp and painful twisted in Cloud's chest. "You and Tifa will be talk of the dance, Cloud."

Cloud. That name, the way it rolled off his lips. Cloud detached himself gently with a murmur of thanks without meeting his brother's bright eyes.

He did not want to dance with Tifa, he realized. He wanted to spin Kadaj in his arms forever and ever, closer and closer...

----------

The dance went horribly.

They started alright, the two of them. Tifa was drop-dead gorgeous in a deep purple, form-hugging number that showed everyone in the room how inadequate their own dates (and wives, as this was a company party) were. Cloud was speechless with wonder for the first few minutes, wondering how THIS Tifa could be the same Tifa that threw barstools at customer's heads when they were getting too rowdy. Or the time she'd stabbed someone with a pencil because he tried to grope her. Or the time she'd taken the empty metal cashbox and smashed it over a client's head because he tried to steal a bottle of scotch over the counter.

But on the dance floor, they drew close to each other during a slow dance, and Tifa muttered degrading and hilarious comments about all the dancers around them, exaggerating rumors about people she knew and then spinning horrendous yarns about the people she didn't. Cloud took all of her talk with a grain of salt, and she knew it. Her eyes were so deep and so soulful, he wanted to fall and fall forever. So many times, he had to stop himself from leaning closer. But just before he moved, the back of his mind would jolt and he would return to the living room, remembering the glimmer of Kadaj's eyes and how they made him float above all the rest of the world. Tifa's eyes pulled him in, consumed him slowly with the marvelously warm fire of her heart; Kadaj lifted him, pushed him away even while his hands scrabbled to bring him closer.

She was so peaceful, Tifa. He wanted to lean his head on her shoulder forever. But he couldn't dance with her for more than a few songs. Feeling the curves of her body against his, he would find himself blushing for all the wrong reasons. For a moment, the touch of her hair against his chin smelled like Kadaj's. For a moment, her hand tightened like Kadaj's would when Cloud accidentally stepped on his feet. For a moment, when someone knocked her and she was right there, flush against him -

- the dance ended fine. He smiled at the end of the night and knew he would marry her when the time came. She was the mother/sister the other three were looking for. She was a life's companion that he could stand living with all of eternity. Her patience, her caring, her gentility, her morality - yes. Yes.

His heart went out to her. She'd been so wonderful and yet the entire night, he wasn't able to think of her. His mind was back home, throwing popcorn at Loz and running his hands through Yazoo's long hair while he dozed in his lap, the changing colors of the TV screen showing whatever movie was on with glaring pixels and the rat-tat-tat! of their favorite action films. Sometimes, Kadaj would wordlessly go into the kitchen and come out with a beer for his favorite older brother. Sometimes, Cloud would give him a sip, and watch as Kadaj's cheeks flushed with color, eyes hazy and swimming with love.

He shook his head. He would just have to stay away from Tifa for the next few days. He didn't want to be caught accidently shooting her sympathetic looks.

----------

The TV was still blaring an action flick when he turned the key in the lock. Yazoo had fallen completely over on their squashy, second-hand couch, snoring on a pillow in lieu of Cloud's lap. Loz was no better; he had sunk completely to the floor, barely avoiding hitting his head against the leg of the coffee table by leaning against the couch. Only Kadaj was still awake, watching the TV with an intensity that would have been frightening for anyone else except for their dysfunctional little family. Cloud knew he was thinking of what major he was going to declare himself on the college apps. Seventeen-year-olds had their own problems.

"Tadaima," he murmured softly to the three, even though only one was awake. Loz stirred uncomfortably; Yazoo slept on like a rock. Kadaj's shimmering hair whirled to frame his face perfectly as he turned to face his brother. Wordlessly he took Cloud's coat and the souvenir wine glass that came with the ticket (Tifa had gotten one too), setting the coat aside and taking the wine glass into the kitchen. While Cloud fought a brief war with his tie (Kadaj was the only one in the family that knew how to tie ties; hopefully he could teach Tifa sometime so he wouldn't be stuck with a loose tie during work), Kadaj came back with a cup of water and three cookies.

At Cloud's curious look, he explained softly, "We made them earlier as a surprise. I just pulled them out five minutes ago, so they're still warm." His eyes reflected the moving pictures on the television screen, mirroring the intensity of the fight going on, and Cloud looked away after a moment. Carefully he bit into a cookie, the peanut butter flavor crumbling down his throat, and he smiled. It was indeed still warm.

"Is it good?" Kadaj's eyes were expectant.

"Would you kill me if I said no?"

"Yes." But Kadaj's eyes were crinkled up, and his smile was genuine as he said it. Cloud reached out before he realized, and pressed the palm of his hand right against the top of his youngest brother's head. They were as normal as they could be for geniuses. It wasn't their fault they were born so smart they received their Ph.Ds all at age twelve. It showed in their older brother, though Cloud wasn't really their brother but a cousin. Cloud, too, was a genius, and had risen to head of his department in the Shin-Ra Company despite his young age of twenty-seven.

Ten years between them. He didn't want to think about that.

He ate the other two cookies and got up to get more. Kadaj got to his feet a little quickly and brought back five. Together they watched the movie until the ending credits rolled. There was a moment right when the last scene faded out and the ending credit song had just begun when Cloud felt, if Kadaj was older and not a relative, he would have leaned over and kissed him, Tifa or no Tifa. As it was, his grip only tightened a little on his cookie as he crunched it down, then drank a large gulp of water.

"Nii-san?" He forgot how sensitive Kadaj was.

"It's nothing."

"How'd the dance go?"

A sour taste in his mouth. "It went great. The dance steps you showed me really worked, Kadaj."

A pause between them, stretching, yawning into the depth of the trapdoor below. That's why it's called a trapdoor, Cloud reminded himself. You're not supposed to fall into it.

But Kadaj's eyes were on his again, piercing and knowing all at once, and the warm of his hand was so near that Cloud could have easily crossed the distance between them and placed his hand on his brother's. He imagined running his thumb over the smooth knuckles, smoothing the soft of his palm, tracing the lines and the fingers, and then bringing it up to his mouth so he could press his lips gently there, right in the middle of the palm. It would have been sacred, something secret between the two of them, a tenderness. He could have passed it off for brotherly love. Kadaj wouldn't have said anything.

"Nii-san?" The voice was softer this time, more persuasive. He could hear the subtle worry under it.

Cloud stood abruptly, chomping the rest of the last cookie down in one gulp. "It's nothing," he murmured, his words punctuated by a particularly noisy snore from Loz. He found the courage to meet Kadaj's eyes, and found he wasn't scared. Kadaj's eyes were familiar to him after so many years, and right now they were only worried. He had been afraid they would mirror the same desire his held.

Seventeen-year-olds had too many things to worry about already.

He gave a wry, tired smile. So very tired. "It's really nothing, Kadaj." And in that moment, he forced himself to believe it.