It's not the same.

I trail my fingers along the skin at his waist. His skin is just slightly paler than my own.

It's not the same.

I lean down and gently bite the jut of his hipbone and then swirl my tongue over the marks my teeth leave. He tastes faintly of something like juniper.

It's not the same.

I bring my hand down to the heavy erection that lists slightly to the right on his belly.

It's not the same.

I feel clumsy as I take the tip of him into my mouth. He fills my mouth slowly, careful not to hit the back of my throat.

It's not the same.

I attempt to quicken the pace, but he resists. He shakes his head and absently traces the whiskers on my cheeks, pumping into my mouth leisurely.

It's not the same.

I push his hands away and force myself to deep throat him. He sighs and gives in, allowing me to set the pace.

It's not the same.

I close my eyes and imagine that the cock I'm sucking is straight and pale; that the hands stroking my neck gently are actually gripping me hard enough to bruise. He cums in my mouth with a quiet sigh and a murmur of appreciation. My eyes snap open.

It's not the same.

I wipe my mouth against the back of my hand and wait for him to turn over. The moment he gets on his knees I push myself into him. He exhales heavily but doesn't say anything.

It's not the same.

I grip his long, dark hair in my hand and imagine that it is coarse and wild instead of soft and flowing. I pretend that the hips I'm driving into are so slender I feel they may break. I close my eyes and hope that when I open them things will be different. That when I empty myself into him he'll push me off with a smirk and call me an idiot for taking so long. That his eyes will be dark and spinning with red instead of pale white. I picture the way those eyes look when they are filled with lust and-

"Ah, Naruto…"

I freeze at his words. I open my eyes and return to the present.

It's not the same.

"Naruto? Whats wrong?"

I have the urge to cover my ears. I don't want to listen to his voice.

It's not the same.

I get off the bed and pull my pants on as quickly as possible. I feel trapped. I want to get out of here but it's my room.

"I can't do this!" My voice sounds panicked and I hate it.

"Oh." He sounds confused, but not angry. Calm and collected as usual. I'd feel better if he yelled or even hit me. I want him to be angry. I want him to fight me and insult me.

I want him to be someone else.

"I'm sorry." I feel like a piece of shit. It isn't his fault. I thought I wanted him, but I didn't. I just wanted to pretend.

"Don't be, we both knew it might be too early." He grabs his clothes from the foot of the bed and dresses unhurriedly. He even takes time to run his hands through his hair to make sure there are no tangles.

I'll never understand how he can do that. Only Neji could look serene and completely unconcerned in a situation like this.

"I'll be going now. Don't be late for guard duty tomorrow." He reminds me as he shuts the door.

I sit down on the edge of the bed and stare at the closed door. I thought I could do this. I thought that I had moved on, and that a new relationship wouldn't be any different.

But it's not the same.

And it never will be.