"Hello, and welcome! Tonight, the true fiancé of Ranma Saotome will be decided!" he announced. Waving his arm to the side as he turned around, a spotlight shown on Ranma, who was bound to a fancy wooden chair with rope and chains.
"What the hell is this? Don't I get a say in the matter?!?" Ranma struggled against his bindings.
"Aha, there's our handsome prize, folks!" The crowd applauded. "And now," he became serious, "let's meet our Iron Chefs competing for Ranma!" Kuno waved his arm to the left. "We have three lovely young women who are up to the challenge! They are," The spotlights shone on the combatants, "Ukyo, Iron Chef of Okonomiyaki, Shampoo, Iron Chef of Ramen, and Akane Tendo, Iron Chef of…" Kuno lowered his arm and became confused. Akane crossed her arms over her chest and began tapping her foot on the ground. "Haha! As I was saying, this trio of beautiful women will serve up their finest to our celebrity judges," he waved toward the right, and the lights shone on the dais. Akane snorted in frustration. He looked back at her then refocused on the judges. "Our impartial celebrity judges are, in no particular order, Soun Tendo, owner and proprietor of the Tendo Dojo; Genma Saotome, founder of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts; Cologne, owner and chief chef of Cat Café; Happosai, world renowned Martial Arts Master; Nabiki Tendo, student at Furinkan High; and finally, my father, principal of Furinkan High!"
"Dat's my Tatchi!" The Kahuna puffed with pride.
"Bring on the food!" Happosai declared and thumped his silverware on the table.
"I will judge with the utmost unbiased opinion," Cologne nodded.
"Don't worry, son!" Genma called to Ranma.
"Oh, shut up, you're only doing this for the food!" Ranma yelled back.
"He's right, you know," Genma turned to Soun.
"Everyone get your bets in, now!" Nabiki flipped through a wad of cash.
"Alright! Let's begin the contest of martial arts cuisine! Of course, to make things fair, each contestant must not tamper with one another's dish, lest she desires to be disqualified!"
"Fine by me," Ukyo said, shaking hands with the other challengers.
"No problems here," Akane replied.
"Shampoo ready to win!"
"Okay then, tonight's theme ingredient is… live octopus!" Three assistants dressed in white robes appeared, each carried a silver platter on which a small tank was located. A platter was placed before each chef on their separate cooking counters. "Each Iron Chef is to create three unique dishes in one hour, all of which will be tasted and then a winner will be decided. Are the judges ready?" They nodded. "Are the Iron Chefs ready?"
"Let's go!" They responded.
"And… BEGIN!" The chefs looked at each other, then back to their octopuses. Ukyo reached into her belt and pulled out two okonomiyaki flippers and reached into the tank. She grabbed the octopus by its head and lifted it out of the water. It made eye contact with her and spurted a thick, black ink all over her face and plunked back into the water. Shampoo pulled out a pair of wooden chopsticks and plunged them into the water. She snatched the creature by two of its tentacles. With its remaining six, it grabbed the edge of the tank an snapped the chopsticks in half before submerging again. Shampoo hissed in frustration. Ukyo stumbled around blindly in quest of a towel.
"Haha! That's not gonna happen to me!" Akane declared. She put on a rubber glove and extended her hand into the murky surface. She got her hand under the octopus and cradled it in her palm before gently raising it up our of the water. "There, that's not so bad is it?" The octopus noticed the meat cleaver clenched in her other hand behind her back. Akane suddenly screamed in pain. "OWOWOWOW! The damn thing bit me!" She flung it into the air and examined her cut finger. It twirled in the air then landed in her hair. "Oh. My. GYAAAAAAH!!!" It crawled to a stop over her eyes and wrapped its tentacles around her head. Akane flailed about, screaming in terror. "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!"
"Kuno-san!"
"Yes, what is it Gosunkugi?" Kuno turned to the hunched over boy standing next to Shampoo.
"It seems that Iron Chef Shampoo has placed her tank over a heated stove top and is attempting to boil her octopus alive!"
"What technique!" He replied.
"It sounds good already!" Happosai said as he rubbed his hands together. Ukyo slammed into Gosunkugi and the two toppled to the floor. Akane was feeling over the counter top of her cooking station. She grabbed a large wooden spoon with both hands and held it out in front of her.
"Take this, damn octopus!" She swung the implement toward her head, and the octopus leapt off before it was hit. The spoon connected between her eyes, and she fell down in a heap.
"Akane! Are you all right?!"
"Dad, she's fine, don't worry," Nabiki reassured her father.
"It is seeming to da Big Kahuna dat Shampoo is gonna be da big winna!" Shampoo was busily chopping up vegetables. She tossed them as well as some ramen noodles into the tank.
"That's much better," Ukyo wiped her face off with a red towel.
"Ucchan!"
"Huh?" She realized the towel had been Ranma's shirt. "S-sorry Ranchan!" She tossed the dirtied shirt back to him. "Your ass is mine, squid-face!" She pulled out an okonomiyaki flipper and made a thin slice near the bottom of the tank. Water began to flow from the cut, lowering the level of liquid in the tank.
"Ugh…" Akane opened her eyes and rubbed her forehead. Raising her head from the floor, she recognized the squishy orange blob perched on her chest. "WAAAH!" The frightened creature made eye contact with her and began to tremble. Akane gritted her teeth and reached toward the nearby wooden spoon. The octopus shrieked and squeezed itself between her breasts and down her shirt.
"Aiya! You goose is cooked!" Shampoo declared as her octopus turned a dark red and floated to the surface of the water. She picked up the dead creature and plopped it on the cutting board. Flipping it over, she steadied the large knife to make the first cut. It opened its eyes and spat a mouthful of hot water onto her hand. The knife thunked tip down into the counter. Shampoo waved her hand around, blowing at it to cool it down. Over at Ukyo's table, the water was within an inch of the bottom of the tank.
"Let's see you get outta this one!" She turned around and pulled a cart over to the counter. "Can I tempt you with this, Mr. Calamari?" On the cart was a second tank filled with a dark brown liquid. Without thinking, the frightened animal jumped into the container. "HAH!" She slammed the lid down on the container of okonomiyaki sauce. "Let's see you survive this, my little friend."
"You is gonna be food for judges!" Shampoo yelled at her octopus. It hissed at her and held its ground. "Oh, is shark!" The octopus looked to the side and she dove at it with lightning speed. It flipped over her and landed on her back. She swung around as it leapt into the air. Before the creature could react, she slammed it into the wall with a metal pan. It struck the wall with a splat and slid down the wall. She scooped it up in the pan and flung it into the boiling water of its tank.
"GET OUT OF MY SHIRT!" Akane shouted at the hidden invertebrate. She glanced over at Ranma and clenched her teeth. Akane tore off her shirt and twirled it around between her hands.
"Woohoo! Take it off!"
"Behave yourself Happy!" Cologne whacked him on the head with her staff.
"Hyah!" Akane snapped the shirt outward, which caused to octopus to spin around in the air. She quickly pulled two knives from holsters on her belt. In a whirlwind of slicing and dicing, she cut the octopus into two dozen pieces, then caught the fragments in a bowl hanging by the edge from her mouth.
The three competitors hastily got to work on their dishes…
"Time's up!" Kuno declared. "The judges will now taste each dish from the three Iron Chefs, and decide a winner whose food tastes superior to her competitors. She will then be declared the official fiancé of our lucky bachelor, Ranma!" Each woman placed their three dishes onto platters and presented them to the judges. "We will now take a commercial break, and when we return, the winner will be proclaimed!" He waved his arms toward the judges and chefs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Welcome back faithful viewers! The judges have rendered their decision, and a winner will now be announced! I turn it over to you, our celebrity jury!" The camera pans to the dais, where the nine dishes are spread out among the judges.
"I really enjoyed Shampoo's spicy octopus ramen," Soun said. "And Ukyo's spicy octopus and mixed vegetables was extremely delicious, but I shall have to go with Akane's heavily salted raw octopus." The camera showed a happy Akane, who now wore her shirt again.
"That was supposed to be sweet and sour…" She muttered
"I have to agree with Soun, I certainly enjoyed Ukyo's special octopus okonomiyaki, but I'll have to go with Akane's battered and fried octopus tentacles," Genma said.
"Without a doubt, Shampoo's spiced octopus balls over steamed rice is the best culinary dish," Cologne rendered her decision.
"I have to go with Ukyo's special octopus okonomiyaki, it was simply superb, all the other dishes paled in comparison, and furthermore-" Happosai began.
"Nabiki, who do you choose?" Kuno interrupted.
"Although Akane's broiled octopus over steamed vegetables was tolerable, I have to go with Ukyo's spicy octopus stuffed with the fried rice vegetable mix."
"WHAT!?!" Soun, Genma, and Akane yelled in unison.
"And the deciding vote, father?"
"Oh boy, dis sho is a tough one fo da Big Kahuna," he scratched his head. "But I'll hafta go wid Ukyo's Havaiin grilled shish kabob."
"There you have it! Ukyo is the winner!" The audience goes wild.
"This is impossible…" Akane mumbled, tears welling up in her eyes.
"What're we going to do Genma?" Tears flowing freely from his eyes, Soun sobbed.
"How can this have happened…" He patted Soun on the back.
"Wait! Kuno-san I have an important piece of information!" Gosunkugi announced.
"What is it Gosunkugi?"
"It seems, Kuno-san, that Nabiki Tendo was paid by Iron Chef Ukyo to place her vote with her!"
"How scandalous!" Kuno replied in shock. "Ladies and gentlemen, it seems I was a bit too hasty in declaring our winner, due to a pre-competition bribe, Ukyo is hereby disqualified from the match!"
"WHAT!?!" Nabiki and Ukyo shout in unison.
"Cheaters don't win on this show, I declare the true winner to be Akane Tendo!"
"Yes!" Akane hugged Ranma, who was still restrained in his seat.
"How did they find out!?" Ukyo stood by the dais and pointed a finger into Nabiki's chest.
"I dunno how the little rat found out!"
"Oh joy!" Genma and Soun cried out in happiness and embraced.
"Akane…"
"Yes, Ranma darling?" She looked at him in adoration.
"GET ME OUTTA THIS DAMN CHAIR!"