Disclaimer: I'd buy it if I could but they were unwilling to trade it to me for the five green Starbursts and Madonna CD I offered. So Black Books is not mine.

Tempocolipse

Ch1

"You're not quitting. The last time you did that you got Hamburg disease and I had to save you from the Jolly Green Giant, your not doing it again." Bernard lit his cigarette. "I've not the time."

Manny frowned.

"Bernard, none of that ever happened."

"Of course it did." Bernard frowned back. " I still have the scar from when you thought you were a squirrel and bit me."

"No, Bernard, that was a real squirrel that bit you. And I'm not quitting."

Manny had asked Bernard for some time off to visit his mother in hospital. Bernard had drunk a mug of shampoo in retaliation.

The aftermath of which led to the destruction of an Oscar Wilde collection and Bernard assuming Manny was a wild hippopotamus.

"What do you plan for me to do while you tend to the elderly, aye?" Bernard asked as he reached for his wine. Some three hours had passed since the shampoo incident and now Bernard was back in his chair. Manny had had to knock him out with sleeping pills. Why he hadn't escaped during the time Bernard was asleep was because he didn't feel right about it. And he had an Oscar Wilde collection to tend to.

"Well, Fran could help out." Manny shrugged, sitting down opposite Bernard. "Or you could hire a temp."

"No. I'm not having some incompetent lay about come in here and be paid for acting like a twat. And as for the temp, well it would take too long to show them the ropes and the knots and the ways of things. " He blew smoke into Manny's face. "The answer is no."

"Well, either you give me the week off or I-I'll quit." He said unsteadily.

Bernard rolled his eyes.

"And I'll take all your left shoes with me."

Bernard poured himself some more wine and waved off the threat.

"And I'll –"

An hour later Bernard woke up and flailed his arms around for a while.

After that while he noticed the note taped to his cigarettes.

'Bernard,' it read.

'I'm sorry but I had to do this. If you are reading this it meant the pills wore off and I'm gone. I left the number of a temp agency on the phone but rang them anyway.

Charlie Forester will be here at nine o'clock tomorrow morning.

Goodbye, Manny.'

"Who the hell is Charlie Forester?" Bernard asked to himself.

Then he spotted the other note beneath the first. It read,

'That's the temp.'

Bernard grumbled and looked at the first note and then the second. Then again. And then a third time. Then backwards.

"Manny!" he yelled at the kitchen. "Who left?"

There was no reply.

"Manny! Come out or there'll be no treats tonight!"

That's when Bernard felt alone.

At nine o'clock the next morning a fair haired young man by the name of Charlie Forrester walked happily up to the door of Black Books.

He raised his hand to knock but stopped when he noticed the door was already open. Pushing it all the way he stepped inside the shop. Filthy, dusty books lined the shelves, tables and floor of the small shop and in the distance he could make out something snoring at a desk at the far end.

He walked carefully over to the sleeping figure and tapped it lightly on the shoulder.

"Excuse me?"

Bernard leapt awake and screamed,

"Veins!" at the top of his voice.

The sudden shock of the man's shrieks and jumps caused Charlie to gasp and step back.

"I'm sorry. I thought you, well, actually, I didn't know what-"

"We aren't open yet, go away." Bernard stuffed a cigarette in his mouth and felt for a lighter. "Where's my lighter? Manny!"

"Oh here." Charlie smiled and produced a lighter from his pocket and lit the cigarette.

Bernard stared at the man as he did this.

"Why haven't you gone yet? Go, go home." He turned to the kitchen. "Manny! Where are you?"

That was when the bell above the door jingled and Charlie looked up. A woman with short dark hair and a flowery dress and bag walked in. She looked at the man behind the desk and then at Charlie.

"Arse." She muttered.

"Hi!" Charlie smiled at the woman. "Anything in particular your looking for today?"

"Oh no, thanks, I'm here for him." She said pointing at the bewildered man at the desk. "I'm Fran." She said walking over and reaching out her hand. "Pleasure, I'm sure."

"Hello, Fran. I'm Charlie." He shook her hand. "I'm working here for the next-"

"Fran, thank goodness you're here. " Bernard interrupted. "There's a very strange man here. He produces fire as if by some form of black magic. He won't leave. I think he did something to the horse."

"What horse?" Charlie asked.

"He means Manny. I need to speak with Bernard, for just a moment, excuse me." Fran marched to Bernard and pulled his chair into the kitchen.

She just about heard Charlie ask who Bernard was when they were in the kitchen.

"Bernard!" Fran looked him in the eyes and told him sternly. "That man is a temp. He is here to take over Manny's job for the week. Manny called me from the bus to tell me to come down here and stop him from seeing you."

"Where is Manny?"

"He's gone to see his mother, she's in hospital. He hired a temp to work here-"

"Yes, yes, fine." He grumbled, batting Fran away.

He stood up and began making some tea.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked.

"Nothing." Said Fran, slumping into a chair. "Manny's paying me a tener a day to keep you and him apart. I have to show him how you do things and you have to stay back here."

"You have no idea how we do things."

"Yes but I get a tener."

Ten minutes later the two emerged to find Charlie dusting the books with a beach towel. He was humming as he did so. When he heard them he looked up and smiled.

"Hello!"

"Where did you get a beach towel?" Fran asked carefully.

"Found it behind the door. Hope you don't mind. I just thought I'd give the place a quick dust."

Bernard stared at Charlie Forrester and imagined strangling him with the beach towel.