Author note: Wow, that took an incredibly long time…But it's here! The long awaited (?) next installment of "This Path of Radiance Seems Awfully Familiar." See the end of this note for an explanation, I want to leave this next part towards the front of the author note.

And so, NOW I remember why I didn't take French class… I swear, whoever invented the French language must have been a very cruel human being… Then again, English probably is just as bad if it's not your native tongue… I suppose I can't really say "GOD this is such a screwed-up language!" in the screwed up language that's BASED off of the aforementioned screwed-up language. Well, technically English is Germanic, but a lot of its words come from Latin through French, probably all of those ones with the bizarre spellings and silent letters…

Sweeping generalizations aside, here's the third chapter. It is, as you may have noticed, rather late. There's a long story behind that, the abridged version is that I've gone through various stages of being busy, sick, unmotivated, and incredibly stressed over the past few weeks, and as a result, this got dropped for a while. However, I'm now on vacation, so I was able to finish this up, and finally update. Sorry it took so long, but at least now I can say with some degree of confidence that the next will be up quicker than this one was. Trust me, you wouldn't have wanted to see it prior to this anyway… as it was I rewrote it almost from the beginning of the story itself (got some opening entertainment coming first) because what I put there just wasn't that funny. Of course, whether this is at all an improvement is subjective, but I think it is, and I think it's important to be satisfied with any work you do. Philosophy aside (seriously, where did THAT come from?), enjoy, and I'll see you next chapter.

P.S. Alexander Dumas gets x1000 bonus points for making the Count a total badass in spite of the fact that The Count of Monte Cristo was written in the 1800s.

Chapter 3: The Mad and Furious Prisone… er… Commander

Aka: Exhibit A How the English language can make things very redundant

Due to numerous requests (current tally is at one-half of a request), this installment of "This Path of Radiance Seems Awfully Familiar" will feature an opening theme written by Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo's own Jean Jacques Burnel. Additionally, following in the nature of the Rurouni Kenshin Songs series of CDs, this theme will feature the vocals of the actual characters. Instrumental-only versions will be released at a later date for those who can actually understand the English language and wish to preserve their sanity. For simplicity's sake, the following is presented in script format.

Note: The following is a parody of Jean Jacques Burnel's song "We Were Lovers," the opening theme of Gankutsuou: The Count of Monte Cristo. Nice music. Horrible singing. And the lyrics are pretty bad too. I recommend sitting through it (the TV-size version) at least once to get the gist of the song, if you're able to do so. Random endorsement Also, the series is definitely worth checking out. /random endorsement

Note, take 2: All singing parts are italicized. Normal font indicates that characters are talking rather than singing (for all intents and purposes, the music has stopped for a few seconds).

Ike: So tonight I'll sing a song to all my hired help…

Also to those who aren't on the payroll…

Mist: To those I know, and those who I adore ((coughRolfcough))…

And I'd like to talk to once more ((coughRolfcough))

I just wish that Ike would let me TALK to you…

Boyd: Here's where we'd usually have a metaphor…

Soren: But we couldn't afford it so we don't anymore…

Rhys: Though we live in a castle we're so very poor…

Rolf: Now we're metaphorless…

Lethe: Now we're metaphorless…

Zihark: Here come the plot spoilers…

Marcia: Though everyone's read the book…

Soren: Played the game.

Marcia: Whatever.

Mordecai: And then we all were screwed…

Bastian: In moooore ways than one…

Lucia: ((Decapitates Bastian))

Ike: Harsh words were said, but at least they weren't expletives instead…

I didn't ever mean to make you cry…

Mist: Yes you did! You even said, "If life were fair, Live Journal would have gone out of business years ago."

Ike: Hey, I didn't write this.

Jean Jacques Burnel: (In a heavy French accent) But I did!

Japanese fans: Yay! English!

People who understand English: What in HELL was THAT?

((Cue "Prologue" from Gankutsuou's OST))

My friend met a young soul, which was pure and innocent. Was. This was back before chapter 1, you see… Anyway, my friend was all like "((walk in slow motion))" and the young soul dude was all like "((stare in amazement completely forgetting to do what he came up to the landing platform to do))" and I was all like "Man, this soul may be TOO pure…" And my friend was all like "But wasn't the point to betray him?" and I was all like "Well, yeah, but you, and more importantly, the entire audience, may not want to see it by that point in the story." So everyone was all like "Screw this, man, you're parodying the recap of the second episode of an anime that no one's even seen. Just because they got an almost illegally large animation budget and based their story on a novel that is considered a timeless classic doesn't justify THIS much obsession," and thusly, this mock recap ended.

Ike watched in shock as another of his troops fell. Tears began to fill his eyes, and a familiar death theme started playing as he watched the brave soldier fade out of existence. A scream tore from his throat.

"Ike… are you alright?" asked Soren, sounding concerned. "It's just chess…"

"Yeah, I know," replied Ike, wiping his face as Soren deftly maneuvered his rook to where Ike's unfortunate queen had been. "Force of habit, I guess… Though the music certainly didn't help. Where IS that music coming from anyway?"

"That'd be the Crimean Royal Orchestra…" said Soren, jabbing his thumb at the gazebo-like stage where the assorted group sat, instruments poised to play.

"How long has THAT been there?" asked Ike, stunned.

Soren sighed heavily, then replied "Don't you remember? They marched around with us all through the war, to improve morale."

"Well, yeah, but we were on the march then… you don't sit around playing music while you're under attack!" Ike cried, still struggling with the logic, or lack thereof, of the situation.

"Well, though I'm usually the one to question the admittedly bizarre and sometimes completely outrageous logic of those in charge around here, I'm going to step down from that role for once and say, what's the worst that could happen?" Soren replied long-windedly, adding a shrug for effect.

"Well, for one, they could die…" Ike stated matter-of-factly. "And they could provide an opening for enemy attack-" Ike was cut off as a thunderous explosion rocked the ground, sending the lower-weight members of the mercenary group tumbling to their knees.

"What was THAT?" Ike shouted when the noise had died down. Looking in the direction where the blast had seemingly originated from, the ruins of the gazebo-like structure that had housed the orchestra remained, fragments of what was formerly the ceiling scattered across the stone floor of the structure amidst smoke and leaping flames, which persisted despite the fact that they probably would have been smothered by the collapsing roof, if only because they added to the effect. The pillars that had once supported the roof were in various stages of being blown to pieces ranging from 'Well, that's gonna take a helluva lot of glue…' to 'Oh (expletive), someone call us a mason…'

"I say…" commented the conductor of the group, distinguished by his coattails, which, unlike the rest of his lower body, had somehow avoided being crushed by the slab of stone that now lay across him, "we do appear to be on fire." He waved his arm, immersed in red flame, to emphasize the point.

"Indeed," spoke up a violinist who was close enough to have been nearly crushed by the same slab of stone. Though only his head and one arm were visible above the rubble, rather much of that area was, as the conductor had pointed out, on fire. "Well, it has been a most excellent time, gentlemen. In fact, I daresay that playing with you has been the greatest pleasure of my life."

"Okay, you need to get a life, seriously," the pianist interjected from somewhere between three large chunks of stone, which had apparently crushed everything but those organs that would kill him quickly, leaving those parts to the logic-defying fire.

"It's a tad late for that, I'm afraid," a nearby trumpeter who had a series of nasty gashes all across his body, but was otherwise unharmed. If you excluded the fact that he was missing at least two legs and one arm. The term 'at least' is here applied as we do not like to make assumptions about the number of limbs one possesses unless that person chooses to divulge that information themselves. He was also on fire, much like the others.

"Well, you've got me there," admitted the pianist with what one can only assume would have been a shrug if either of his shoulders weren't pulverized into dust.

"Oh, I am slain!" cried aloud a voice from somewhere beneath the rubble in the general vicinity of the cellist section of the orchestra.

"Oh, be quiet, would you Larry!" shouted the violinist to his fellow performer. "That man is such a drama queen."

"Say, weren't we supposed to get on with some sort of screaming in pain?" asked the conductor. "I had so looked forward to that, never had a chance to conduct a figurative chorus of the damned, you know."

"Ah, we missed our cue. Sorry, old chap," the trumpeter answered.

"Alas. Well, nothing for it but to die, then," the conductor resolved. "Gentlemen," he said in a dismissing tone, by way of farewell, then fell silent.

"What exactly just happened?" asked a stunned and bewildered Ike of his stern companion.

"I… don't know…" Soren answered. "And as resident and duly elected Know-it-All of the Greil Mercenaries, I can't help but think I've failed in my duties…"

"Would you STOP wasting our Meteor spells!" shouted the commander of the enemy forces at a nearby sage, who, out of boredom, decided to throw a Meteor at an odd gazebo-like structure that, for some reason, no one had noticed before.

"But we've been sitting here for hours," whined the sage in a rather high-pitched voice for a man of twenty-something years. "I mean, if you look through that telescope I had time to invent, you can see Ike and Soren playing chess."

"Wow, we must have been have been here longer than I thought…" was the commander's reply. "Who's winning?"

"I don't know who's winning!" cried the sage. "I may be bored, but I'm not bored enough to watch a game of chess!"

"Well, fine then," answered the commander. "Some help you are."

Meanwhile, back at the clearing where the Greil Mercenaries were camped, Soren was occupied trying to calculate whether it was physically possible for Ike to have lost as badly as he did. Ike, however, was busy brooding about the sudden discovery then loss of the gazebo, which would have provided some shade, when Mist approached him.

"Hey, Ike!" Mist called out, breaking into her brother's state of mental gloom.

"No," Ike replied sternly.

"But I haven't even-" Mist began, before being interrupted again.

"No," Ike maintained.

"Just listen! I think I know how we can get out of this situation!" Mist called out. "But you have to-"

"I'm not going back on my decision," Ike interrupted in a stern tone. "A commander must never waver, even when he's absolutely wrong. Then he must be steadfast in his wrong-ness, and, in doing so, make a bigger mess of things. I refuse to be bought by the possibility of saving all of our lives."

"Kinda makes you wonder who else has been taking notes from that book, doesn't it?" asked Boyd, who was doing a rather poor job of hiding the hedge behind them.

"Go randomly interject yourself into someone else's conversation!" Ike shouted at the fighter. Boyd muttered something about what was the world coming to when people were frowned upon for randomly joining into a conversation that had nothing to do with them and waked off.

"Aww…. Come on, Ike," Mist pleaded. "I know you're just as tired of this as everyone else, and we can end it in just a few minutes if you'd just listen to what-"

"Listen, Mist, this isn't going to work on me. You can beg and plead till… um… something that won't be happening soon happens, but I will remain steadfast. I have far more patience than you."

"Hey, Ike!" Soren cried from the other side of the clearing, where he and Ike had been playing a few minutes earlier. "I'm done calculating how it's possible for you to have lost that badly. Do you want to play another game?"

"Okay, tell me," Ike relented. "We'll see about your terms later, IF this works."

"Okay, just watch," Mist ordered her brother. She took a deep breath, then screamed in a rather unrealistic manner, rather like hearing a dubbed anime character's voice actor try to mimic the admittedly bizarre way the Japanese seem to scream. At that moment, Rolf, who was busy drafting a LiveJournal entry in the dirt a short distance away, twitched slightly. His head snapped to the side, to the scream's origin. It is, at this point, worth noting that his eyes were actually putting off pale green light. They were also very angry looking.

"WHO?" he demanded in a deep booming voice. By which I do not mean 'deep and booming' as it would apply to a kid. We're talking Darth Vader-class deep and booming here. A bewildered Ike blinked a few times, then, in unison with his slightly startled sister, pointed in the general direction of the enemy forces. Rolf let out a roar that would have impressed King Caineghis, his skin turned pale green, and his eyes and hair… stayed exactly the same, but would have turned green if they weren't that color anyway. Suddenly his muscles all expanded to several times their normal size in a process that most doctors will tell you is both impossible and unhealthy if it were possible, shredding his… shirt-like… thing… Due to the fact that he would now strongly resemble a green dwarf, let's just say he suddenly got to be like, six or seven feet tall as well.

"Hey, I didn't know Rolf could do that!" Boyd said in amazement, poking his head back through the hedge to stare at his younger brother's transformation.

"I didn't slip him anime-grade 'super strength when the person you love is in danger' juice!" Mist denied quickly. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

Boyd blinked a few times, then said "Um… good for you?" Ike merely stared after Rolf's gargantuan form in bewilderment as he began stomping off in the direction of the enemy commander, his feet leaving large dents in the stone beneath them.

"Commander!" cried the sage we had met previously casting Meteor at random gazebo-like structures. He ran up to his leader, who was currently staring intently at something in the distance. "Uh… commander?" he asked, the other man's face showing no sign of hearing him.

The commander of the enemy forces was, in fact, trying to burn a hole through the wall that enclosed the area where the battle was taking place. Thus far he had been unable to damage anything through the use of either heat vision or psychic powers, though he had unnerved some people. He felt as though he was on the verge a breakthrough in that department, however, at that very moment, someone shouted into his ear "COMMANDER!" and broke his concentration.

"Huh?" he asked confusedly, suddenly startled out of his personal world by an incredibly loud shout. Turning to face the sage, he said "Oh, hey, nice… cone-shaped thing."

"THANK YOU, SIR," the sage spoke into the device, which magnified his voice to the point where all I can do to describe it is to use all capital letters. "I CALL IT A MEGAPHONE, SIR. IT'S SOMETHING ELSE I HAD TIME TO INVENT WHILE WE WERE WAITING."

Wincing, the commander asked, "Um… could you not use that?"

"Oh, right, sorry," the sage apologized as he lowered the device.

"So what's so important that you had to interrupt my attempt to violate the laws of physics?" the commander asked.

"Well, you see sir… our forces are being completely overrun," answered the sage slowly.

"What? So they've come out of hiding, have they?" the commander asked.

"Um… no… just one of them…" the other said, sounding rather insecure.

"How could ONE of them overrun our whole army?" the commander asked incredulously. "Oh, wait, is it the Pegasus Knight? Because those things, man, you just don't want to go anywhere near a Pegasus-"

"Um… it's… their archer…" the sage interrupted meekly.

"The ARCHER?" he shouted. "You mean, that little kid with the physics defying hair? HE'S overrunning our whole army?"

"Actually… overran would be more appropriate…" the sage, now rather demoralized, said. "In fact… he's right there…" he jabbed his thumb behind him, where the gigantic creature that Rolf had spontaneously transformed into was now looming menacingly, a special ability reserved for such bringers of doom.

"Since when can he turn into an 8-foot-tall wall of muscle?" cried the commander in shock.

"Apparently since now…" the sage answered.

"That was a rhetorical question," the commander said to his companion.

"I know, I'm just an ass," he explained with a shrug.

"I hope he kills you first," the commander shot back.

"Well, I hope he kills you first, too," came the sage's reply, before a convenient scene-shift ended their banter and prevented me from having to write a fight scene into this.

Ike gazed out over the destruction that Rolf had left in his wake in amazement. Various red-colored bodies were scattered everywhere… well, they had been scattered everywhere, but for some reason they all mysteriously vanished. Rolf, in his enraged state had ripped straight through the hedges that everyone else had just accepted as a barrier, and left a path of destruction in a line that lead straight to the enemy commander.

Ike blinked in complete amazement, pretty much as he had been doing all throughout the spectacle of watching Rolf maim, kill, shred, destroy, massacre, and any other words that you may deem appropriate for generally beating the Hell out of anything in front of him. Still wearing a stunned expression, he turned to Mist and said calmly, with an undertone of one who is rather disturbed, "Upon reviewing your case, I have decided that my previous judgment was, in fact, in error, and I hereby rescind it."

"Yay!" Mist cried happily, and ran down the newly created path to inform Rolf of this new development. The rest of the group followed behind her, glancing around make sure that no enemies remained. They found Rolf collapsed on top of a throne, which had sprung from the ground suddenly at the beginning of the battle. As they approached, he opened his eyes, blinking lazily.

"Ugh…" he said slowly, then, "Hey… what happened to my shirt? Mist?" He sat up, glancing around in the direction of the group. The young cleric's face flushed bright red at this and the stares that were quickly sent in her direction by her companions. "Oh… no I didn't mean to say 'Mist…'" Rolf amended, still speaking somewhat sleepily. "I meant to say… um…" he paused, trying to think of another work that would fit, and settled for the first he came upon in his lethargic sate "'Rhys…'"

At once, the group's glares abandoned Mist and found the robed healer, a mix of disgust and… no, pretty much just disgust.

"Hey, guys," he said, holding up his hands in a gesture of innocence. "I have no idea what he's talking about. Priest is just the name of the class, okay?"

"Mist…" began Ike slowly. "Is there something you'd like to-"

"No," the rose-colored cleric interrupted quickly.

"I really think you should ex-" Ike began, but before he could finish, Mist dashed to the throne, grabbed Rolf, who was now standing, by the arm, and had darted back past him. The high physical improbability of this statement is irrelevant, as well as an illusion developed by the human mind to quantify that which… never mind, I'll just stick with saying "it doesn't matter that she probably couldn't actually do that."

"I'm gonna go get Rolf a new shirt back at the castle okay? Bye." Mist said quickly enough that the previous sentence should probably lack spaces, but that makes it really hard to read, as the two ran past.

"Mist!" Ike shouted angrily, and prepared to give chase.

"Ah, young love…" Boyd interjected, throwing an arm around Ike's shoulder before the blue-haired commander could take off in pursuit of his sister.

"Please… don't say that…" Ike said to the axe-wielder. "Now, if you'll excuse me…" Ike removed the other man's arm from his shoulder, "I have a sister to put somewhere totally inaccessible."

"Aw… but come on, Ike, they're so cliché together!" Boyd protested.

"You're not helping!" Ike shouted at him.

"Aw… come on, Ike, surely you don't think all cliché's are bad…" said a feminine voice from behind him, as Lethe walked up to the blue-haired mercenary, stroking his face with her fingers as she approached.

Ike concentrated for a moment, trying to recall how exactly he was supposed to blush. Failing in that respect, he settled for stammering, "Uh… well… I suppose they're not all… Wait!" he cried as a thought suddenly occurred. "What are you doing here? And you Rhys! You're supposed to be defending the castle! What happened?"

"Well… do you want the long version or the short version?" Rhys inquired, as Lethe pressed herself against Ike in a fashion that would probably spawn far more cat-themed jokes than are necessary in the world if I were to describe it. "The short version is… Castle Crimea's on fire. The long version is… they snuck past our defenses, promptly kicked our collective asses, and now Castle Crimea's on fire."

"What?" cried Ike in shock. "NO! I left Ragnell in there! And… Princess Elincia's in there! And I left Ragnell in there!"

"Wait, you didn't bring the all-mighty kickass sword with you?" asked Zihark before anyone else could steal his chance at actually being mentioned in this chapter.

"Well… I thought it would make me cool if I refused to use an unfair advantage in combat…" Ike said. "Hey, it worked for King Arthur!" he shouted in response to the various stares he was receiving from his compatriots. "And I sorta need that armor on… and the shirt, too…" he added to Lethe, who was systematically undoing the various buckles and other such fastenings of Ike's trademark shirt (well the buckles are technically on the guard thing and the belt, but same difference, really).

"It's fine, we're all okay," Titania said, riding up to the group. "Princess Elincia fainted," she indicated the slender form of the princess slumped over the horse behind her, "but is otherwise unharmed. We're all going to regroup outside the outer wall of the castle.

"Well that's… good to hear…" Ike said, a note of sadness in his voice. "Say, wait a minute, how could they breach our defenses so easily? Didn't you guys put Lethe or someone with good senses on guard duty?"

"Um… that would be my fault," Lethe said. "See… it went sort of like this…" The cat girl pointed to a conveniently placed flashback that hovered several feet off the ground before the group.

"All right, men," a swordmaster addressed a small crew of thieves, myrmidons, and an assassin or two (always hard to tell exactly who is an assassin and who's an assassin in disguise, and who's disguised as an assassin). "Our mission is to infiltrate the castle, and open the various gates to allow our main forces through."

"But sir," interjected one of the myrmidons, "they have a Laguz guarding the entrance. There's no way we can sneak up on a Laguz."

"A valid point, my fellow warrior," the swordmaster replied. "However, since our intelligence indicated the presence of Laguz, I have a plan in place." He withdrew a small red sphere from a pouch on his belt, and threw it towards the orange-haired Laguz.

"You… missed…" the myrmidon who had first spoken up said, pointing to where the sphere fell a few feet sort of where Lethe was standing.

"No I didn't," replied the group's leader with a smile. "Watch."

To Lethe the scent of blood and sweat were easily detectable, despite her distance from the actual fighting. With so many Beorc around, and many of them hostile, she couldn't rely on her sense of smell to identify enemies, so as she stood at attention by one of the back entrances to the palace, she strained both ears and eyes for any sign of nearby motion. As it was, her attention snapped instantly to the small red sphere that came hurtling through the air from the cover of the trees a short distance off, watching its graceful arc into the ground just before her. "It couldn't be… a ball of… yarn?" she thought.

"Yarn!" cried Ike. "You let the enemies into the castle because you were distracted by a ball of yarn?"

"I have a weakness for balls of yarn, okay?" Lethe replied defensively. "Among other things…" she winked at Ike. For reasons we shall leave up to the mind of the reader, Ike ceased that line of questioning, and instead chose to head towards the rendezvous point. It is worth noting that at this point, the large majority of bondage fic writers who read this fanfic temporarily disappeared.

A short while later, the group assembled just outside of the castle's outer wall. They laid Elincia on one of the bedrolls that people always seem to have on them in RPGs, and were about to discuss what their next course of action should be, when the princess began to stir, somewhat diminishing the point of getting out the bedroll.

"Princess Elincia, are you okay?" asked Titania in a concerned tone.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" Elincia said sleepily as she sat up. Her eyes went wide as she caught sight of the castle looming above them, flames and smoke pouring out its numerous windows. "NOOOOOOO!" she shrieked. For those who have trouble imagining Elincia shrieking, you are not alone. I don't have anything helpful to say to you in regards to it, but you are not alone. "Castle Crimea's burning! AGAIN! BAPISTAN! BERTUCCIO! I've failed you! AGAIN!"

"Isn't his name Bastian?" Soren asked.

"Oh, what's the difference? Besides roughly 150-years in when they were created… and personality… and one's a manservant and one's a sage…" Ike trailed off, realizing he was making his point less valid with each word, if not each syllable.

"GEOFFREY! BASTIAN! LUCIA! I've failed you!" Elincia shouted over their conversation, tears rolling down her face.

"Um… we're right here, actually," Bastian said from behind where Elincia had collapsed to her knees, after first rising to her feet and taking a few stunned steps towards the castle, which were considered irrelevant at the time.

"Oh…" said Elincia, now feeling rather silly. "Well, then… um… I guess I already screamed about Castle Crimea burning… uh… I'm done."

"Right, well, we've talked it over," Lucia said to her ward, "And we think it necessary to take your flying horse and cool magic sword that only you can use despite the fact that about anyone else could make better use of it and hide them again. So… we'll see you around, bye." With a wave, she and Bastian leapt onto the back of Geoffrey's horse, leading a rather confused-looking Pegasus behind them.

"Figures…" Elincia muttered. "You just can't get good help these days."

"Right, well, we must now turn our attention to the problem at hand," Ike said. "That being, that Ragnell is in that building, and damned if I'm going back to fighting with some pansy iron sword just because my cool sword is stuck in a burning castle that could collapse at any moment."

"Wait… stone doesn't burn…" Soren said. "So how is the castle on fire?"

"I TOLD you using oil-based paint on the walls was a bad idea!" Mia shouted at the others.

"Well, fine," replied Boyd hotly, "next time why don't you try to stop us if you think it's such a bad idea!"

"I DID try to stop you!" the swordmaster replied. "You locked me in a closet!"

"Oh, right… I remember now Good times, good times," Boyd said with a chuckle.

"Not for me!" answered Mia.

"People, focus! That castle isn't going to hold much longer and we need a plan if I'm going to retrieve my kickass sword!" Ike yelled at the others. As if on cue, the castle suddenly caved inward, collapsing into rubble and sending up huge clouds of dust and smoke. "NOOOO! RAGNELL! I'VE FAILED YOOOOUUU!" Ike screamed.

"Right, well, horrible as it is that Ike can no longer show up everyone," began Soren, "shouldn't we be focusing on who was attacking us in the first place, and why?"

"Oh, that's easy. It was the reconstituted Daein army," answered Zihark.

"What? Didn't we kick Daein's ass and have Begnion install someone trustworthy as the overseer?" Ike asked in surprise.

"Yeah…" Zihark started, "but then…" he paused for a moment, "they held… elections…"

"Elections!" cried Ike in dismay.

"It's true…" answered Zihark. "I saw the polling places with my own eyes. Saw the mass lines of people all waiting to vote for their chosen candidate. Saw the horror as those who fell behind were trampled by the crowd in the press to cast a ballot. I saw… what I saw that day will haunt me for the rest-"

"Yeah, that's nice," interrupted Ike. "So, lemme get this straight, Daein, who we just totally kicked the ass of, sorted out their new system of government and elected new leaders in a year, after the balance of power was totally usurped, and then, when they held elections, they all voted for ANOTHER evil, crazy, super-powerful king who wants to engulf the nation in war?"

"Oh, no, they didn't elect him. He just came in and assassinated everyone else in power, then seized it for himself," answered Zihark.

"Then why mention the elections?" demanded the commander.

"It was dramatic," Zihark replied simply.

Several loud groans later, a voice with no visible speaker asked "Um… excuse me, is this the former Crimea Liberation Army, now just the… Crimean Army or something?"

"That would be us," answered Ike. "What do you want? And… where are you? And who are you?"

"I am known by many names. Sometimes I am called 'Hey you!' and sometimes, I have been called 'Aaaaaaahhhhh!' But among those who wish to refer to me by a name that is unique, I am known as… the Green Knight!" With these words an imposing figure clad from head to foot in heavy green armor appeared from nowhere before the group.

"The green knight? Unique?" Ike asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Dost thou have a problem, knave?" the Green Knight questioned by way of reply.

"Yes!" answered Ike. "Have you heard of originality?"

"Oh, shut up, you! It was an old nickname from high school, okay? And it just stuck, so get off my back!" he shouted in response. Muffled snickers could be heard throughout the group at this. "Oh, laugh all you want. I know I'm a worthwhile person, and that's all that matters." To this, the response of the mercenaries was to burst out in laughter. "Well… we'll just see who laughs last!" cried the Green Knight. "For, while you were all busy being distracted, I kidnapped several vital members of your team!"

The mercenaries all glanced around at each other for a minute. "Um… I'm pretty sure we're all here…" Ike replied to the knight.

"You are not! I kidnapped Mordecai, Janaff, Ulki, and Brom!" shouted the Green Knight.

"Oh, yeah…" came the group's general response.

"Hah hah!" the Green Knight laughed. "So who's laughing now?"

"Not the readers, that's for sure…" muttered Zihark under his breath.

After another bout of laughter, Ike spoke up again "So you were… threatening us or something, right?"

"Yes! I've kidnapped four of your most trusted companions! And I won't release them unless you do as I say!" the Green Knight bellowed at the mercenaries.

"Show of hands," Ike said, addressing the mercenaries, "who cares about the fat man, the bird brothers, or Captain Incoherent?" Rolf tentatively raised his hand, then, glancing around and seeing that no one else had, slowly put it down.

"Augh! I hadn't counted on such selfish indifference!" cried the Green Knight in anguish. "Well… I've also got your sword!" he cried triumphantly, pointing at Ike.

"You fiend!" shouted Ike.

"You dastard!" cried Rolf.

"You green giant!" bellowed Soren. After a short pause during which everyone made sure that they had heard the same thing, they turned as one to stare at the mage.

"Soren…" began Ike, "stop trying to be funny. You're bad at it."

"I know…" replied Soren sadly.

"So now, foolish boy, I will slay you with your own sword!" cried the Green Knight, pulling a yellow blade from his pocket dimension. "Now, feel my power!" he shouted, swinging the sword at Ike, only to have it drop out of his hand and stick firmly into the ground. "What?" he cried in confusion.

"Dude, didn't you even look at the thing first? It says only I can wield it…" Ike explained.

"Well… fine… I'll just keep it, then!" shouted the Green Knight back. He then made an odd sound that can best be described with the word 'bleh.'

"Did you just… stick your tongue out at us… inside your helmet?" asked Ike.

"Yes! I did! So there!" and with that, the Green Knight plucked Ragnell out of the ground, and vanished as mysteriously as he appeared.

Soren made a small mark on a piece of paper that was attached to the clipboard he was holding. "Right, meet Green Knight, he runs off with Ragnell, do joke involving not being able to see an insult due to mask. Well, that's everything that we had to do in this chapter to get to the point the author wanted. What do you guys want to do now?"

Each member of the group stared at the others for a moment, then in unison they cried "Dance Dance Revolution!" Soren quickly pulled the game, which he had invented during the time they were trying to wait the enemy out, and the party began. For the record, Soren's list of activities to do when stuck somewhere indefinitely went something like this Study- Brood- Attempt to engage Boyd in conversation- Learn Chinese- Invent a video game for a system that won't exist for several hundred years, or wouldn't if this was Earth- Invent said system- Play chess against Ike.

"Yes, yes, enjoy your game of Dance Dance Revolution, Greil Mercenaries," a dark figure shrouded in some convenient shadows said as he watched them through a device best described as a wide-screen, high resolution crystal ball. "For come tomorrow, this world will bow to… Dranhsa!"

"Wow, and we thought 'The Green Knight' was unoriginal…" commented a nearby soldier, who was uncloaked in shadow to allow us a better view of his prompt decapitation by his commander.

"You just can't find quality minions these days…" the man sighed, before returning to his crystal ball.

((Cue the episode preview bit of "You Won't see me Coming"))

The Greil Mercenaries' quest has just begun. It promises adventure, excitement, horrible OOCness, and shameless parodies. Just when you think we've hit rock bottom, we break out the drill and start digging! Jikai, This Path of Radiance seems Awfully Familiar, Act 4: And then, there were… like… 10, maybe 15 of them.

Soren: Do I really have to say this?

Deep booming disembodied voice of the Author: Yes. Yes you do.

Soren: ((Sigh)) Matte, scashite kibo sayu.

And now it's Ending Note time! Just some ditching of responsibility, among other things.

The ending here, it may not surprise you to know, is a parody of the ending of Gankutsuou. Until I run out of anime series I'm familiar with, yes, this will probably be a running gag.

Matte, scashite kibo sayu: I honestly have no idea how this should be spelled, so I used my limited knowledge of how Japanese words are spelled in Romanji compared to how they're pronounced, and gave it a shot. This translates as something like "Wait, and hope," a famous line from the original Count of Monte Cristo that was incorporated into the anime's episode previews at the end. The American release people decided to apparently ignore the reference to the original work and translated it as, "Bide your time and hold out hope," possibly just because there was such a big difference in the number of syllables. Anyway, if anyone knows how this should look, cause I'm pretty sure I must have messed something up, I'd appreciate the info.

The Priest Joke: I'm really hoping to not get my head bit off here… Obviously this could easily offend a lot of people, but I'm sorta hoping at this point that people who aren't able to laugh at themselves as well as others gave up on this fanfiction, because I've probably said something offensive to a whole bunch of different groups by this point. After all, he who cannot laugh at himself has no business laughing at others… or something like that. Yeah, Confucius, I'm not. Moving on.

Dranhsa: This is Ashnard backwards for those who missed it, and thusly didn't get the "That's even more unoriginal than 'The Green Knight,'" joke. The Green Knight being unoriginal shouldn't require explanation to anyone who's played Path of Radiance. In case anyone hasn't, one of the main villains of the game, who sadly remains an enigma throughout the entire game, in either a move to create a sequel/prequel, or just plain laziness on the writer's part, is a giant armored figure called the Black Knight because of his black armor. He's basically invulnerable to anything except certain weapons, blessed by the Goddess, because of said armor, and also somehow or other has the power to teleport at will.

"You Green Giant!": Uh… the Green Giant is probably the name for more than one thing, but this was a really bad pun off of the Green Giant who was the mascot for a company that sold peas or some such thing…

The title of this chapter: One of the chapters of the book The Count of Monte Cristo is "The Mad and Furious Prisoner," hence the parody in this chapter's title, and the comment about English making things confusing, because "Mad" is here meant to be taken as "crazy" but can also mean "angry" which is what "furious" is being used to describe, which makes the title really redundant if you interpret it that way.

To anyone who didn't realize that Rolf was mimicking the Hulk when he transformed: You need to read more comics… or like… take part in life in general and society in particular.