My first fan fiction! Actually the first thing I've written in over 15 years, please forgive my being so rusty! All constructive criticism appreciated!
to be a man
It all changed so quickly. Jack had never known a man could feel the way he did when he got that postcard. He couldn't even remember the ride to Wyoming, like he flew on joy itself. When he held Ennis for that moment, it was complete. All the suffering, the longing, the frustration it was all over. They were going to be together just they way he knew they would the first time he saw Ennis trying to hide in his jacket and under his hat in front of Aguirre's. It seemed so long ago.
"Jack, I'm sorry, you know that I am…"
Jack's head was spinning. He had to look away from Ennis or he was going to break. He stared at the rolling hills before him, beautiful, empty, cold, and eternal.
"A storm's moving in." Jack herd himself say, but was not conscious of speaking. How many times do I have to relive this moment.
"Jack…"
"I guess I'll see you next month then." Jack focused on each step. Each step. Away from Ennis, away from pain, away from life.
Jack lifted his eyes as he reached for the ignition. Ennis stood slightly stooped, hands in his pockets, watching helplessly as a child. Framed against the endless hills he looked like the only living being in existence. Longing and fear fell so heavily on Jack his arms fell to his sides.
No.
Ennis was falling. Not just from him but from life itself. He prayed to God for the first time since he was a boy… let me catch his hand.
Jack pressed the gas peddle and flooded the engine. He tried to turn over the engine several times, hoping to God that it wouldn't, before popping the hood. It was all or nothing. With the pocket knife hidden in his hand he looked down and cut the fuel line.
"Ah shit, beggin' your pardon ladies." Jack tipped his hat to the girls in the truck, subtly tucking the pocket knife into his coat pocket with his other hand.
"What's wrong, Jack?" Ennis moved next to him and looked under the hood. Jack, didn't know shit about the working of his vehicles , never did. He also didn't know how to make it look like he didn't intentionally cut the hose.
"Shit, Jack." Ennis said under his breath, his heart beginning to race. He tossed a side glance at the truck with the girls in it, and without looking at Jack continued, "You're gonna need a new hose." His tone was cold. "Come on, we'll take you to town." Ennis popped his head into the driver side window of his truck. "Looks like we're gonna have to make a stop at the garage and pick up some parts before we get ice cream girls, Jack's having a little trouble with his truck."
The girls were used to losing time with their Dad, but it was usually to the faceless and ubiquitous "work." This thief however had a name, a concrete presence and even a black hat.
When Jack took the cramped seat next to Alma Jr., he was fairly sure the temperature in the truck was a solid 15 degrees colder then outside.
Jack Twist. Alma Jr. knew the name. It was like a magic word, that made her Daddy warm like the sun and her Momma turn to ice. She wanted to dislike him, to do otherwise seemed a betrayal. Only a betrayal of who and how, she wasn't sure. She was polite but distant. For the first 5 miles or so the truck was silent.
But Jack had something to share. A history of happy times with Ennis. He told them about trying to separate two flocks of sheep after a sever hail storm, about creative if utterly unsuccessful attempts to dress up beans, and highlights of the first summer and after.
"You fought a bear Dad!" Jenny's eyes grew wide.
"It didn't quite go like that darlin."
Jenny was almost instantly taken with Jack's handsome looks, beguiling smile and friendly manner. Yeah, Jenny's like that Alma Jr. thought to herself, feeling, now herself betrayed. Sweet as a summer strawberry, her momma always said…. about as bright too… that second part was Alma Jr.'s addition.
"The horse threw you Jack? Did it hurt?"
"It did throw him, but no worry, his harmonica broke his fall." Ennis said.
"You play the harmonica!"
"As a matter of fact I do."
"Aw, Christ." mumbled Ennis with a big smile.
"Do you know how to play the harmonica, Daddy?"
"No Sweetie, I'm still waiting for Jack to figure it out so he can teach me."
"Ha, Ennis, I swear if you were any funnier, you'd be only slightly annoying."
Despite herself, when Ennis and Jack laughed Alma Jr. couldn't help but laugh too. While she normally didn't like to have to share the time she got with her Dad, even with Jenny (or especially Jenny, depending on the weekend), Jack fell in such easy rhythm with them, it was like he had always been there.
Alma Jr. couldn't remember a time when her father smiled like there were no more cares on his shoulders. It softened the feel of loneliness about him. For a moment so brief, she was only aware of it's fading, she understood. She couldn't put it into words and the mechanics of the whole thing utterly eluded her, but she felt the pure connection of two souls and found herself hoping that Jack would stay forever.
Sunday evening, Ennis dropped the girls off at Alma and Monroe's. After he drove away Alma Jr. grabbed her little sisters arm. In a whisper she said, "Jenny, I don't think we should mention that we met Jack." Alma wasn't sure why she gave her sister that warning, nor why Jenny listened to her. Maybe she too sensed there was a danger lurking somewhere in the magic of the name, Jack Twist.
Dropping the girls off hurt him every time. He was dropping them off to their new family. It was the right thing he told himself. Monroe, the slimy 'condiment' pushing bastard, could give them a life he never could. He wanted Alma to be happy. She was good people. She deserved to be happy.
Still, when the girls walked into their house, the little bit of sunshine disappeared and the drive home seemed twice as long, his company now being confusion and regret.
But tonight, he flew home. Jack was waiting. Ennis tried to get mad about what Jack did. It was crazy, made no sense and couldn't possible work… It was perfectly, Jack. So despite his best efforts, when ever he though about it, he couldn't not smile. And to the crazy bastards credit. It did work. Jack, fuckin Twist.
"What are people gonna say, Jack, huh? Did you think about that?"
"People will be trying to figure out how an asshole like you has a friend." Jack smiled. The lecture that Ennis prepared while driving back from dropping off the girls melted away like a dream. That damn smile. Jack stretched a hand out and pulled Ennis down on top of him. Ennis settled easily into his arms. "Jack fuckin Twist.."
"I got some groceries."
"Yeah? I though your truck was still waiting parts?"
"Ennis, not even rodeo folk are stupid enough to break something we can't fix, especially in a small ass town like… well like anywhere in Wyoming."
"It was a stupid stunt that you pulled, Jack." They sat for a long while in silence, Jack leaning his head down to kiss Ennis's temple. "Sorry… I just kinda lost it … it's just… I feel this cold when I see you walking away… like the sun getting swallowed by storm clouds." Jack was feeling the pain rise again. The feel of Ennis in his arms and warmth of their bodies, that each time he said good bye to Ennis it seemed like it was longer till he got to see him again. "I thought I'd just get use to this. I thought it would get easier. But… sometimes… sometimes I miss you so much I can barley stand it."
Ennis wanted to ease his friends pain that was a perfect reflection of his own. He wanted to explain how every time he saw Jack disappear over the horizon, part of him died. How over the years he felt himself fading, so now when he'd look in the mirror he could see through his reflection like a ghost. How no matter who else he was with or what he was doing, the hollowness in his chest wouldn't stop hurting. But Words never came easily to him, so he just held him tighter and kissed him. "Tonight you ain't going anywhere and neither am I."
The storm woke Ennis. He stretched out an arm to pull Jack close. No one was there. The hail was hitting the windows so hard he thought it might break the panes. Another dream… Ennis pulled the pillow to his chest and began to cry.
Jack came out of the bathroom, his eyes on the windows. "Quite a stor…Ennis?"
Ennis raised, his eyes still heavy with sleep, and roughly held Jacks face, slid a hand down his chest like he couldn't believe he was real. He feared if he let go for a second he'd disappear again. "Jack…" He kissed and pulled him hard against him..
"Damn, Ennis, what is it. It's ok, I got ya."
They fell onto the bed together. Ennis was embarrassed by his outburst, but still wouldn't let go. "Ennis, I asked you once to come with me. I thought you were accepting finally when I got your card. I got a little money saved up. My own money, Lureen don't know about it. It's enough. It'll get us some livestock. My parents ranch is.."
"You parent's ain't gonna like having me show up…" Ennis had full control again, and the flatness of his tone stung.
"I already told them that you was coming." Jack shot a guilty glance at Ennis. "I told you I mistook your postcard. Maybe if you wrote more then 10 words I'd have a better idea of what your were thinking…" It was a weak defense and he knew it.
Ennis felt the panic washing over him till he thought he would drown. "Jack this aint fair…"
"Fair? What's fair Ennis?" Jack was surprised by his own tone. "You think staying here like a god dammed shut in makes things fair?" Ennis got up and walked to the widow, his back to Jack. The sudden cold against his skin made Jack shudder.
Jack continued raising from the bed. "Damn it Ennis, I can't drink enough to make you leave my dreams.…" his voice was small and labored. "You are ALWAYS here," Jack looked like he were trying to physically wipe memories from his mind, his wedding ring nicking his brow. "I close my eyes and I smell smoke and sage and I can feel you walking with me. I feel you, see you and smell you and I reach out and touch nothing. I spend our time together half afraid that when I reach for you that I'll wake up to find you gone." He pulled Ennis back against him, resting his head on Ennis's shoulder. They stood watching the storm for several minutes. "It ain't ever gonna change unless you make it change." Jack faltered. "And I can't do this anymore, Ennis. If I could tie you up and bring you with me I would…"
"Not the way you rope…" Ennis tried to make the joke, to break what was coming, but his own voice broke.
"…but I can't. I'm leaving tomorrow Ennis. And you have to decide if you want to be with me or not. If WE have a life or not." Ennis began shaking his head but Jack turned him to face him, caught his face in his hands and kissed him. "My wanting you ain't enough Ennis. You have to want to be with me too. And be man enough to face whatever that brings."
That night, Ennis dreamed of Earl's lynching. He saw his futile defense of raised hands against hate and steel. It was merciful that he was near dead when the tied him up. He only moaned slightly as they tied him. One of the men slapped the horse sending him off running. Several men and women laughed and hollered. Ennis was standing naked as the horse rode directly towards him, but he couldn't move or even yell. Ennis was covered in blood and a tire iron was in his hand. And he couldn't drop it.
Warmth. He could feel Jack holding him, kissing him. The whisper seemed to come from heaven itself. "Ssssh, it's alright. I got ya."
The sun was shining on his face. He was warm and could smell the fresh hay mixed with scent of fall. Earl and Rich were working on mending a fence that would separate the new Momma and calf from the rest of the herd. He couldn't make out what was being said, but could here it when they laughed. Seemed they could anticipate the others movement and made the hard work look like a nearly effortless game. Earl stopped his working for a moment and looked at Ennis. Smiled and winked then went back to his conversation. And he knew for the first time what had gone though heads of those crazy son of bitchs, setting up together It didn't matter the danger. They were going to be together, for days, years or decades, and that alone made the future worth pursing.
Ennis was trying to count the number of days he was with Jack in the last 15 years. How many days was he alive in a lifetime?
Ennis looked at the small pile of belongings in the back of Jack's truck and checked the hitch to the horse trailer for the 6th time.
"Ennis don't worry." Jack said as they climbed into the truck. "I told my folks my plan was to build a cabin for myself and you were coming to help me out. If anyone asks, and they won't, we'll tell 'em the truth. You are there to help turn the ranch around, and we will do that. After a while people will just be used to seeing you around. People in the town don't say much and don't care what happens off their property, expecting the same from you. Dead quite. You'll like them. We can build a separate cabin later on…. Get a wax dummy or something for the window… "Jack was smiling. "Not like you make any noise anyway. Probably take hours before your girls even realize…"
"Yeah, that's a good plan, you're a real thinker, Jack…." Ennis, after what seemed like an eternity, had finally made the decision to put his arms out and fight the tide that had been dragging him along. The fears were losing their control, and an overwhelming joy was taking their place.
"I even got a new harmonica…"
"Stop the fucking truck."
"Too late."
"Jack, I swear." they smiled at one another, and Ennis almost involuntarily raised a hand to caress his lovers cheek. For a day or a year or decades. He chose to allow himself to love, and it was all right.