Author's Note: I do realize that Sam and Luka broke up in July. I apologize for the mistake in the previous chapter. And this is what my muse comes up with. I hope it's not too hard to follow.
Chapter Two
I don't care. I walk out of County with Alex. My mind is made up. I don't care about Luka. He can have a baby with Abby. He can have a lot of babies with Abby. He and Abby can be like the Von Trapp family of Chicago, only without the Nazis and hopefully the singing. I heard Abby's audition for Haleh's Christmas show. She's no Julie Andrews.
But I don't care.
Honestly, I don't care.
Is saying that over and over again actually going to make me believe it? Hell no. Why can't I just admit that it hurts? It hurts that Luka's moved on. Not only has he moved on, but he's not coming back. Abby is not just some rebound girl. I suppose I was more the rebound girl for him after everything he and Abby went through the first time. I didn't think I was, but I guess I was.
He's back with her. It's the cliché. Men always go back to the first one.
I don't even notice the cold as Alex and I leave the hospital. I barely even noticed that I left. This process of leaving is habitual. I'm not focused on it. Luka. All I can think about is Luka. Why can't I get my mind off that hot Croatian scum?
No. He's not scum. He's far from scum. He was sweet. He'll make a good father. Abby's lucky. She could not have a better father of her baby.
So why can't I stop thinking about it? I don't want to. I'm obsessing. I should stop that. I need to stop that. It's not healthy.
Well, why should I stop doing unhealthy things? Cake isn't exactly healthy, but I love cake. Now I want some cake. Cake is going to make me get fat. If I only eat cake all day, I'll be fatter than pregnant Abby. That can't happen.
Urgh! There I go again. I find yet another thing to relate back to her and Luka. Why is this bothering me so much? I chose to break up with Luka. It was my decision. I broke up with him and moved out of his apartment. It was all my decision. This should not be getting to me like this. So what if Luka and Abby are having a baby together? I had a baby. I have a child. I love Alex to death, but one is enough. I can't stand the thought of having to go through labor again, do the diaper thing, and actually raise another kid. I can't do it. I'm having a hard enough time as it is keeping my sanity. I don't need a baby.
Woah! Red light means stop, Samantha. I also don't need to hit other cars on the road. I left the ER for the day. I don't need to be back in there as a patient. If I go back there, I'm going to see Luka. Luka is going to be with Abby whenever he can. I know it. We would try to get some of the same cases as often as we could. I honestly cannot stand the sight of the two of them together right now. To be honest, I don't think I can stand the sight of Abby right now.
It's not her fault. I chose to dump him. I need to remember that. This is all my decision. It's my own fault for allowing this to happen. I could have distracted Luka from the whole baby thing. We would have been fine if it were not for that issue.
No. Stop trying to make yourself feel better. It's not working. You're not buying these excuses. Anything you tell yourself is a lie to make yourself feel better about this hell hole of a situation.
And now I sound like an idiot for scolding myself. Damn it.
Come on. Think of anything else. Dinner. I do have a son. He's not a tiny little four month old fetus who relies on what I eat for nutrients. Good. I don't want that again. Alex made me crave weird things. I could only eat a few things without throwing up when I was pregnant with him. I don't want that.
But bad because I actually have to do work to feed him. I can't just forget about him and hope that he'll disappear. It doesn't work like that. I need to do something. Let me think. What's in our fridge? Some eggs, a quarter of a gallon of milk from last week, some soda, and some celery. Maybe there's leftover Chinese from Sunday, but I wouldn't swear to it.
Note to self: go grocery shopping. Buy some actual adult food. Don't buy ice cream sandwiches. Hell, just stay away from the frozen foods section. It'll only cause you to think of Abby's damn ice cream fetish. She's going to get fat.
Damn it. There I go again. Even when I try to distract myself, I'm back to thinking about the baby. Alex. Think about Alex. He's your son who needs to be fed. There is some peanut butter and jelly in the pantry, but he had that for lunch. Oh, there's a McDonalds on the side of the street. I think I have a ten in my wallet. Yes, I'm certain of it. Alex can have McDonalds. I'm not hungry. Even if I was, I'm too distracted to eat.
Sigh. I send Alex inside with the money. He's excited. That's good. He should be. He should see this as a treat or something. To him, it doesn't have to be that his mother feels too crappy to make him something. It can be a treat. It doesn't have to be more than that.
The good thing about having awkward hours at County is that when I get off, there are not long lines in fast food restaurants. Alex is back in a few minutes. The smell of hamburgers and French fries fills the car. As soon as I hear his seatbelt click, he's eating those fries. He's eating them quickly, and I can see from looking in the mirror that it's a large box of them. God, it's like he craves them.
Stop it! Seriously. Why is this the only thing you can think about? So they're having a baby. It's great for them, but I shouldn't care this much. Luka is not significantly important to me anymore. Sure, I value my friendship with him. He's a nice guy, but so is Gallant. I would not be obsessing about it so much if Gallant and Neela were having a baby.
Luka means more to me than Gallant. I never dated Gallant. I dated Luka for over a year. Luka was really good to me.
And this is more than just a baby, I think as I enter our apartment. Sure, it will act like a baby. There is going to be the labor thing and the diaper parts, but this is not just a baby. If it was just a baby, Luka and Abby would not be together the way they are now. This baby is a physical representation of their love. This baby is proof to me that Luka has moved on. He's with Abby, and he will never come back to me.
And that's what hurts the most.
I just need to be alone. I mutter some lame excuse about having a headache and retreat to my room. As soon as I close the door, the tears start flowing. Silently.