A/N 1: First and most importantly, this is for all of the fantastic fan-fictioners who said such lovely things about my first story Snow, Balls. I debated with myself for a long time over whether I should post my stories, and your response has really encouraged me. You like me, you really like me! So all future literary attempts on my part are now exclusively your fault.
A/N 2: Knowing is set in Season 3 sometime after "A Tale of Poes and Fire" and sometime before "Those Are Strings, Pinocchio." (That really narrows it down for ya, doesn't it?) I had to make a couple of plot changes to make the story fit (hey, this is fanfic, we can do that) so be aware that 1) Jess has already left for California and 2) Luke dated Nicole for awhile, but it all fizzled out- she was one of those disappearing dates of 2003, not unlike Alex.
A/N 3: I didn't post this as I finished writing each chapter, because I was scared to death of not finishing it and leaving an uncompleted fic gasping around in cyberspace, dying a slow and painful death. So here it is, the COMPLETE story. The whole package, if you will- minus Dan Quayle and the matching jogging suits, because who wants that, really? Besides Mimi.
warningwarning this story bears an alarming resemblance to Disney's "Lilo and Stitch"- as in, oh-so-cute-and-fluffy!- so diabetics beware...
Ducks and Ducking
Rory Gilmore heard voices.
Loud voices, raised in anger, coming from just the other side of her grandparents' enormous oak front door. Rory told herself it was ethically wrong to listen to other people's conversations when they didn't know you were doing it- well, sure, but that had never stopped her before- and she figured it was better to eavesdrop now if it would help her figure out what catastrophe she was about to walk into. Call it a self-preservation instinct, or something. She already knew that her mother and grandmother were fighting- it wouldn't be a Friday night dinner without a Lorelai vs. Emily sparring match, and this one sounded like it was gearing up to be at least ten rounds.
"I don't know how you can be so irresponsible, Lorelai," Emily's voice dripped with more condescension than she'd probably intended. Whatever she said to her daughter usually came out wrong.
"That's a good one, Mom, I'm irresponsible," Lorelai responded sarcastically. "Makes me wonder how Rory survived to adulthood, how the Inn runs itself, how my bills get paid on time-" she cut herself off abruptly. That last one was much too open to Emily-interpretation. She crossed her fingers that her mother hadn't noticed her slip, but Emily pounced.
"Your bills get paid on time?" she demanded imperiously. "And who do you think helps you to pay those bills? Who helps you with Rory's tuition?" she almost smiled, smugly.
On the other side of the door Rory winced. That remark was not going to go down well; Lorelai hated being reminded of her obligation to her parents, and when Emily brought it up she was sure to say something she would heartily regret.
Lorelai threw her hands up in the air in complete frustration. "You know, Mom, sometimes you can really be a first-class bi-"
Rory gasped and rang the doorbell loudly before her mother could finish her sentence. Stone silence descended, and Rory waited uncomfortably for a brief moment before the door swung open. Emily and Lorelai stared at her, Emily with a kind of relief. Lorelai just smiled sheepishly at her daughter; she knew that the doorbell ringing at that exact instant had not been a coincidence.
"Hey, hon," she greeted her, willing herself to calm down. "How was the drive?"
"Not too bad," Rory answered as she stepped inside and shrugged out of her coat. Emily took it from her silently and hung it on the rack. "The bus driver made a wrong turn and took twenty minutes to figure out that he'd made a wrong turn, so I got the scenic tour of Hartford." Awkwardly she kissed her grandmother's cheek. "Hi, Grandma." She smiled sweetly, which usually cracked Emily's exterior. It still worked.
"Hello, Rory dear," Emily answered, all arguments with Lorelai forgotten. "Come on into the living room, your Grandfather should be finished with his phone call by now."
As she led them through the foyer Rory noticed something different. "Is that a new painting, Grandma?" she asked. "It's beautiful."
"Yes, it is new, and thank you for noticing," Emily beamed.
Lorelai poked Rory from behind. "Suck-up," she whispered teasingly.
Rory poked her back. "Troublemaker," she responded.
"Good evening, girls," Richard greeted them as they trailed into the room behind Emily. Both of them shut up and tried to look well-behaved. "What would you like to drink?"
"Whatever you have, Dad, and make it a double," Lorelai answered wearily, remembering the earlier scene with her mother.
"Charming," Emily couldn't help but comment.
"Thank you," Lorelai replied rebelliously. "I am known in bars all over Connecticut for my charming ability to order the bubbly."
Emily rolled her eyes.
"I'll have a soda, please," Rory said quickly before the elder two Gilmore girls could get going again. She seated herself next to her mother on the sofa. An uncomfortable silence hung in the air for a moment, until Richard broke it the way he usually did.
"So, Rory," he began. "How's school?"
Lorelai glanced at the clock on the dining room mantel out of the corner of her eye for the twenty-second time during dessert. This dinner seemed to be taking even longer than previous ones, and some of those had been real doozies. She amused herself by seeing how many times she could make a face at Rory across the table, without her parents noticing, before Rory laughed. She'd only got to two- Rory wasn't very good at this game.
"Before you go," Emily announced suddenly. Lorelai's head snapped up guiltily; luckily she remembered to uncross her eyes before she looked at her mother.
"Before we go where?" she asked in confusion. She hadn't been paying any attention to the conversation and she figured she'd missed something.
"Before you go home, of course," Emily said impatiently, sounding like she was talking to an inattentive child- which, Lorelai had to admit, she kind of was. Emily was staring at her, which made Lorelai extremely uncomfortable.
She prodded her mother, "Before we go home what?"
To both Rory and Lorelai's surprise, Emily looked reluctant to finish her sentence. This was highly unusual; Emily was normally very happy to finish her sentences, or anyone else's, for that matter. Lorelai's blue eyes took on a wicked gleam. Her mother was having difficulty telling her something! Emily was not known for tact, so it wasn't as if she was trying to decide how to phrase…whatever it was…delicately. For a brief moment Lorelai wondered if Emily was feeling the same way she had herself just before she told her parents about Rory's burgeoning existence, then dismissed that thought. It was impossible.
"Before you go," Emily continued reluctantly, "I wanted to tell you that your father and I won't be able to make Friday night dinner next week."
Rory's mouth dropped open. Her grandparents had rarely, if ever, cancelled a dinner, not in the three years that they'd had the arrangement. Lorelai tried to control her glee- she was going to give her mother such crap about this, she didn't even know where to start.
"I'm afraid that's not okay, Mom," she said, overly serious. "I think the only reason you should get out of dinner is if it's an emergency. Is it an emergency?"
"No," Emily forced herself to admit it.
"Noooo," Lorelai repeated happily. "Well, if it's not an emergency, then I'm afraid you're going to have to cancel your previous plans."
"Mom," Rory started to protest. Lorelai was having entirely too much fun with this, and Emily was starting to squirm- which, of course, was more than half the fun for Lorelai.
"It's a benefit dinner, Lorelai, and we can't get out of it," Emily snapped. "I didn't choose the date, but I have to show up because I haven't been to one of these events in weeks."
"I'm sure they can benefit without you there," Lorelai said superciliously. She was especially pleased with herself because she'd been able to work in a little jab that her mother probably wouldn't even notice, and if she did she could hardly get in trouble because Emily was the one who'd said 'benefit' in the first place. And why shouldn't she give her mother a hard time about this? Why shouldn't she, when Emily had thrown such an all-mighty fuss whenever Rory wanted to miss dinner because of an anniversary with Dean, or Lorelai had a date? Let Emily experience for once what it was like to have to organize her social schedule around an appointment so inflexible it was like it was encased in concrete. And for a moment, Emily looked like she might actually cave in and cancel whatever benefit they were going to. Save the Butterflies, or Raise Money for Rich People or something. But then Richard stepped in to take control of the situation. He didn't like seeing Lorelai manipulate her mother that way, and he was going to put an end to it.
"We are not canceling our plans, Lorelai," he said firmly, in a tone that invited no discussion. "We purchased our tickets several weeks ago and a lot of people are expecting us to be there. I'm sorry, but next week's dinner is cancelled because we'll be in Naugatuck."
"Hey, that's the next town up the turnpike from Stars Hollow," Rory realized. Lorelai's head whipped around and her eyes got huge. What on earth was Rory doing?
"Hey, why don't you come to our house next week for dinner instead?" Lorelai's treacherous offspring suggested. That's what Rory was doing. Lorelai kicked Rory under the table, but her subtle signal was lost when Rory complained, "Ow, Mom, watch it! I don't want to play footsie with you right now."
"What's the matter, Lorelai?" Emily asked, too-politely. "I thought you were so upset at the thought of missing Friday night dinner."
"Oh, I'm heartbroken," Lorelai muttered under her breath.
"What was that, dear?" Emily goaded, ready to get her own back.
"I said…that will be smokin'," Lorelai answered lamely. Emily eyed her knowingly and was about to start in on future torment when Richard interrupted again, this time to Lorelai's relief.
"That's a very kind invation, Rory, but we'll be having dinner at the benefit," he explained gently.
"Oh." For a bizarre moment Lorelai thought that Rory looked disappointed. Then she realized that Rory actually was disappointed, and she fidgeted uncomfortably. Rory loved her grandparents, so it was only natural that she wanted them to come to her house for once. They hardly ever took part in her "Stars Hollow" life- which was just the way Lorelai liked it, but maybe Rory felt differently. To her credit, Lorelai thought for a long moment about extending the invitation for the week after next, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. It was too much like masochism…self-flagellation…suicide…Before her thoughts could turn any darker her daughter jumped right in and turned herself into a little homicidal maniac.
"What about the week after next?" she suggested brightly. Lorelai's inward groan was so loud she was dead certain her mother had heard it.
"The week after next?" Emily repeated blankly. "But…you always come here!"
"I know, but I thought it would be nice to have a change. It will be fun, you'll see…" her voice trailed off as she caught a glimpse of her mother's face. Boy, if looks could kill…
"Rory," Lorelai asked in a sing-song voice.
"Yes, Mom?" Rory answered timidly.
"Who's going to cook this oh-so-fun banquet?"
"I don't know…Uncle Ben? Sara Lee? Betty Crocker?" Rory suggested, trying to make a joke.
"Hmmm, that would be a good idea, except they all hate me and have vowed never to enter my house again," Lorelai explained patiently.
"Right…didn't think of that," Rory agreed reluctantly.
"You don't have to cook." Emily spoke up for the first time since the conversation had turned to ready-made meals in boxes. "We could go out."
"Out?" Lorelai repeated the word as if it was in another language. Trekkie, maybe. She'd have to ask Luke for a translation.
"Yes, out," Emily said again, impatiently. "What do you usually do for Friday night dinners?"
Lorelai had to laugh. "What do you mean, what do we usually do for Friday night dinners? We usually come here, in case you haven't noticed. I assumed you had- noticed, I mean, since you make such a big deal out of us showing up here exactly at seven every single week, but if you haven't been noticing I'll just send two look-alikes in our place next week and Rory and I will go out on the town, maybe pick up some guys, start a band, take it out on the road..."
Emily almost looked embarrassed at her mistake, but she covered it easily by turning Lorelai's words back on her. "We won't be here next week, Lorelai, I told you. We're going to Naugatuck." She looked smug.
"That's right, Naugatuck. How could I forget Naugatuck?" Lorelai asked with very fake sincerity. "Naugatuck, Naugatuck, Naugatuck. Say it fast enough and it sounds like 'Not-A-Duck.'"
"This is a ridiculous conversation," Richard observed. "Obviously the two of you come here on Friday nights. What your mother meant to ask was where do you go to eat on other nights?"
"Luke's." Rory answered easily.
"Every night?" Richard looked surprised. "What about Thursdays? Where do you go on Thursdays?"
"Luke's," Lorelai echoed.
"Wednesdays?"
"Luke's," mother and daughter both answered together.
"Tuesdays?" Richard asked, increasingly incredulous.
"Oh, on Tuesday nights I cook," Lorelai admitted.
"Really?" Richard sounded hopeful.
"No, we go to Luke's," Lorelai said, exasperated. "We go to Luke's for breakfast, we go to Luke's for lunch, we go to Luke's for dinner. We go to Luke's in the middle of the day for coffee, we go to Luke's in the middle of the night for coffee, and sometimes when we're feeling really wacky we even go to Luke's on weekends."
"So let's go to Luke's," Emily suggested, in a tone that meant it wasn't really a suggestion, it was already decided.
"Let's go to Lu- wait, what?" Lorelai's head was spinning. Maybe it had something to do with how many times she'd just mentioned Luke's name in a really short period of time.
"Would you like that, Rory?" Emily asked her granddaughter, and Rory knew better than to say no.
"Sure, Grandma, I love Luke's. I'll eat there anytime."
"What about your mother?" Emily continued, as if Lorelai wasn't even there, mouth opening and closing like a fish lip-synching.
"Oh, Mom loves Luke, too," Rory answered wickedly. "I mean, Mom loves Luke's."
Lorelai recovered enough to give Rory a "just-wait-till-we-get-home-and-you'll-wish-you-hadn't-said-that" look.
"Well, then it's settled," Richard declared. "We shall all have dinner at Luke's two weeks from today, at seven o'clock."
"I'll put it on my calendar," Emily chirped- obnoxiously, to Lorelai's ears.
"Swell," was all she could manage. She decided to ask Luke to put arsenic in her coffee tomorrow morning- and knowing him, he'd quite willingly oblige.