Later…
Angel's old stories led to less sleeping, and more laughing,
mostly by Cordelia and at his expense.
"Oh my god! You did NOT do that!"
"Yes, I did," Angel said.
"Oh my god…no, you didn't!"
"Yeah…I did."
Cordelia laughed harder.
"Mexico in the 20's…the only place to get a decent drink during
the Abolition."
"I still can't believe you got that
drunk!"
"At least it wasn't daylight yet."
"Yeah, no kidding. If it were, you wouldn't be here…"
"Yeah, no kidding…"
"And at least you found where you'd left your pants."
"Lucky for me… I don't think I could've faced Boone without them."
"God, Angel," Cordelia giggled. "I never knew you were so…so…"
"Stupid?"
"I was going for free spirited."
"Well, if you want to call it that, I guess."
"Yeah, that's what I want to call it! The only Angel I've ever
known was the broody one. Anything different can only be labeled as 'free
spirited'. Brood, brood, brood…that's all you've done in the last, oh, DECADE!
Of course, I bet it's all that blonde's fault…"
"Darla?"
"No, Buffy!"
"Oh. Yeah. I guess I have been kinda broody since her,"
"KINDA? No, VERY."
"But, I really can't blame it all on her,"
"Oh, sure you can!"
"No, I had guilt issues way before she came along."
"But at least you still knew how to let loose once in a while…"
"That summer in Juarez was the first time I'd let loose since the
curse." Angel said.
"Oh. Well, every once in fifty years shouldn't hurt that much…"
Cordelia snorted.
"But it's been over seventy years now."
"Then maybe its time to let loose again,"
"I thought this was letting loose,"
"Then you are a sad, sad man."
Angel let a small chuckle escape him. Sure, she
was picking on him, but it was better than the complaining.
Cordelia sighed, liking the way the
conversation had headed; away from the fact that it was her fault that they
were locked in here and more along the lines of actual bonding! She was
enjoying the way Angel was letting her in. And she especially reveled in the
surprising ease that came with it. She could talk like this all
night…regardless of the fact that she'd started to yawn twenty minuets ago, and
couldn't stop for the life of her.
"God, Angel!" She said with a roll of her eyes. Another yawn.
"There's so much to live for…in your…'un-life'..." Cordelia stretched,
inadvertently pressing closer. "You've had so much time…more time than anyone
could ever have hoped for, and you've had so many opportunities to see so many
things… I'm surprised you haven't done more!"
"Yeah, between the battle of Good and Evil, and trying to atone
for my past in order to get my humanity back, yeah, I've had lots of free time
to do recreational things,"
"You know what I mean!"
"I guess…"
"Think about it!" She said, raising her head and pulling herself
up to rest her chin on his shoulder. "You've had centuries to see the world.
You've been all over Europe; you came to America when it was still new… You saw
World Wars pass, and not to mention, you've lived through every fashion scene
since, like, the dawn of taste!"
Another yawn.
"Cordy…you forget." Angel sighed, rubbing her shoulder
absentmindedly. "When I saw Europe, I was leading a massacre. And I only came
to America because…well, Ireland was…home…it…there was nothing left for me to
go back to because I… Well…you know...I had no one,"
Cordelia closed her eyes and pressed her cheek into his arm. "I
know, you murdered your family," She said lazily. "But look, you're making up
for it. Don't feel so bad."
Angel was silent.
"Shit!" Cordelia gasped, suddenly coming alive. "I'm sorry! That
was a terrible thing to say,"
"It-It's okay."
"No, its not. I've got a big mouth, and I just didn't think. I'm
sorry."
"Yeah, you do have a big mouth, and stop swearing."
"I'm sorry, Angel. I really am. I am SO sorry I said that,"
"Cordy…"
"No! I swear…I am so sorry."
"I know you are."
"Seriously. I'm sorry I said it, Angel."
"But I'm sorrier I did it, Cordelia."
Angel had gone stony. Cordelia sighed, pressing her face into his
sweater. They'd never talked about this stuff before, not like this, and just
when he was really opening up, she'd ruined it.
"Angel…I'm really sorry."
"Cordy, forget it. Let's talk about something else."
"But you were on a roll. And I want to hear more."
"I don't know if I can handle much more,"
"Ah, come on." She pleaded, tracing a finger absentmindedly over
one of his shirt buttons. She was still kicking herself for saying that about
his family. "Tell me another story Angel. I want to hear another."
"Well," He said thoughtfully, his limbs suddenly relaxing around
her again. "Maybe I would rather hear about you."
"Me???"
"Yeah."
"Um…" Cordelia thought hard.
"Tell me stories about you, Cordelia. Stuff that happened before
you moved from Sunnydale."
"You knew me there…there's not much to tell."
"Oh, come on. I bet there's plenty of stuff you could tell me
about. I really don't know a lot about your life before all of…well, this. In
fact, I know nothing about your childhood."
"Angel, believe me. There is nothing special about my childhood."
"What about your
family?"
Cordelia huffed. "Believe me when I say there is nothing special
about my family."
"Come on, Cordy," Angel pressed. "Tell me what life was like
growing up in Sunnydale…What the Chase family did for summer vacation, or for
Thanksgiving, holidays, that sort of thing."
Cordelia was silent, thinking about her family; her old life in
Sunnydale prior to the Scooby Gang;
realizing what it was he was really asking of her, and she realized that
she didn't really want him to know what things were like for her before. If she
could help it, she'd leave her past in her past. What good could it do talking
about it now?
Angel sensed her hesitation. "Come on, Cordy," He whispered. "You
can tell me anything."
Maybe it was the 'you can tell me anything line'. Maybe it was the
guilt over making him share his past that made her decide to reveal. Or maybe
it was the way his fingers traced circles over her shoulder as he held her in
the dark.
"Sunnydale," Cordelia sighed with a roll of her eyes. She tugged
at the sleeve of Angel's jacket, pulling it further over her wrist as she
suddenly remembered the cold. "Um, well, let's see…" She took a deep breath and
closing her eyes, plunged ahead. "Growing up in Sunnydale, I was neglected and
ignored. Summer vacations were usually spent in your typical beach resort…
Jamaica, The Bahamas, wherever. Mom would be off getting facials and massages
and mud baths and getting drunk off of margaritas while Daddy played golf with
potential clients or took off on his yacht for a few days or chased young girls
in bikinis around the pool, and I'd spend the days typically alone, usually
just blowing money like crazy in the shops. You know, Daddy was always quick to
hand over the credit cards when there was mention of any sort of 'quality
family time'…" Cordelia frowned to herself. "And Thanksgiving. Ah,
Thanksgiving. Every Thanksgiving, if they weren't on a ski trip to Switzerland,
or jetting off somewhere else without me, Mom would have Anita…she was the
maid…set the biggest, most impressive table she could. Then she'd invite all
her snotty little friends from the Country Club over for cocktails. Dad would
get drunk in his game room, and mom would get smashed on white wine… I'd end up
eating alone in the kitchen, and then, after all the guests left, mom and dad
would have an argument, or pass out in their separate rooms, and I would spend
the evening helping Anita clean up. That was when I was five… When I was ten,
Mom just quit trying all together… She and dad would leave for the weekend, and
since Mom fired Anita the summer before, I was pretty much left alone in the
house, watching TV and eating leftover cold-cuts, or any other kind of remote
meat product I could find in the fridge, pretending to have…god, I was
pathetic," She laughed a little at this part. "I pretended to have Thanksgiving
dinner with Raggedy Ann and Andy, Perfume Pretty Barbie, and the neighbors cat,
which I am ashamed to say I had so unmercifully abducted out of the neighbors
yard when they weren't looking because I craved companionship and couldn't bare
to be completely alone… Oh, now! Thirteen! And this was a hoot…thirteen was a
whole different story altogether…"
Angel stared at her in the darkness. Her voice was steady, but her
features were beginning to crumble, as she let her true face show forgetting he
could see her, and a look passed over her face that made him want to hold her.
But then, he was already holding her. Angel, already wrapped tightly around
her, held onto her until she was finished.
"Switzerland is over rated," He said finally, tilting his head
towards her and pressing his lips to her forehead. Cordelia sank into him.
"Yeah, I guess it is, I'm sorry. I don't mean to throw my own pity
party, I just got kind of carried away."
"Do you miss them?" He asked.
She paused slightly, pursing her lips. "Do you miss yours?"
"Sometimes…but usually I can't remember what they look like, its
been so long."
"Yeah…I miss mine."
"I'm sorry things were so rough."
"Don't pity me," Cordelia smiled slightly, making the serene
attempt to shrug off her feelings of resentment. "I can pity myself on my own
just fine. I don't need any additional help,"
"I didn't say I pity you…Empathize; yes. Pity; no."
"And besides, I don't need them. I've been just fine without
them."
"But everyone needs someone."
"I've been better off without them."
"But Cordelia…everyone needs someone. It's not good to be alone."
"I'm not alone," She said defensively. "I have you." She bit her
lip. "And Wes and Gunn and Phantom Dennis of course."
"Of course," Angel said. He then reached over and brushed a strand
of hair back from her eyes. "And we have you. Which is a good thing, because if
we didn't, who would handle all those invoices."
Cordelia beamed and hid a smile against his chest. She fidgeted,
playing with the texture of his wool knit pullover as he added, "Besides,
you're good for other things too, not just invoices,"
"This fits you really well," She mumbled, changing the subject.
Angel's eyes moved down over his chest, and rested on her fingers.
"Thanks,"
"Of course you always look great in black,"
"It is sort of my color."
"I really like it though when you wear that blue shirt of yours…it
looks really good, makes you look, I dunno, less 'moody'." Cordelia sighed,
letting her thoughts run out of her mouth unchecked.
"Thanks," Angel said awkwardly. "I'll wear it more often."
"It's a Donna Karan, right? I LOVE her stuff…"
"Yeah,"
"You have some of the best taste in clothes on a man I have ever
seen."
"Thanks,"
"I mean it. Sometimes I see Wesley in these horrible striped
shirts and I just want to…GRR." She made a gesture as if she were going to
choke someone. "And GUNN! Sometimes his pants just hang so low!"
"They're guys," Angel mused. "And isn't that the style? Sagging
pants?"
"Yeah, if you're an MTV VJ…" Cordelia grinned. "Or a
gangster…Gunn's not exactly either."
"But he looks normal, not overly…saggy…or anything. He's a guy, he
looks fine."
"You're pretty fine yourself,"
The pause made Cordelia quickly reiterate.
"I mean, you dress well. You look good…even for being two hundred
and fifty." She raised a brow in the dark, not realizing he could see it, and
blew out a quick breath. "Really good, Angel. You don't even know."
"Two hundred and forty-eight," He corrected her.
She smiled lazily, and rolled her eyes. "As if there's a
difference,"
"There is! Two whole years,"
"You crack me up."
"What!"
"You! Worried about your age! After all this time!"
Angel sighed. "I may be a vampire, but I'm still a man."
"Yeah!" She giggled. "You sure are! Boy, you sure are…"
"And what about you?" Angel inquired, turning the tables. "Look at
you,"
She grew quiet. Now he had her attention. Angel grinned to himself.
"You walk around dressed like a supermodel, Cordelia…flaunting
your looks and eating up the attention it gets you,"
"Oh! I do not!" She pushed down on his chest.
"Oh, yes, you do."
"I do NOT dress like a supermodel…I'm too poor to dress like a
supermodel."
"But you dress nice. Admit it,"
"I dress thrifty okay, don't beat around the bush,"
"You don't look thrifty. You look…glamorous."
"Glamorous???" Cordelia smirked at him. "Me? Okay…sure…"
"Seriously. You're always dressed…like…nice. I can't even remember
the last time I saw you in a pair of jeans."
"I wear jeans! All the time!"
Angel gave her a look. She couldn't see it, but she sure could
sense it.
"Well…I wear jeans at home all the time!" She swore. "Ask Dennis!
He'll tell you!"
"Sure,"
"WELL, I DO!"
"Fine. I believe you," Angel said. Then added smugly. "I bet
they're designer,"
"SO WHAT!" She said defensively.
"Designer jeans… Jeans are jeans! What's the difference!"
"JEANS ARE NOT JEANS!" Cordelia snapped. "I LOVE the way my Todd
Oldhams fit…besides! What's wrong with designer??? I like to make a good
impression! I can't help it if I like the finer things in life!"
"Designer jeans are NOT the finer things in life," Angel stated.
"There are things much finer in life besides designer jeans…and regular jeans
are just as good. Plus, they're cheaper."
"Cheaper, plech!"
"It's true!" He shot.
"As if you would know!" She shot back. "I've never seen you in
jeans. Ever."
"I've worn jeans." Angel claimed, his mouth hanging open. He tried to think of
something else to add, something to back it up, but couldn't. Cordelia
snickered triumphantly. "I HAVE worn jeans…" Angel mumbled.
"Bell bottoms in the seventies don't count."
She smirked, moving to lay on her back beside him. She was so involved in their
discussion, she'd forgotten to be afraid of the dark.
"For your information, I never wore bell bottom jeans in the
seventies!"
"Oh. Right. Just polyester suits,"
"I DIDN'T WEAR POLYESTER SUITS!"
"EVERYONE wore polyester suits," Cordelia said matter-of-factly.
Angel couldn't retort. She had him there.
"I BET YOU WORE BROWN LEISURE SUITS!" She suddenly shrieked. "I
saw Saturday Night Fever! I know what it was like! I can just see it!"
"I NEVER WORE BROWN!" Angel exclaimed.
"OH MY GOD!" Cordelia sniggered. "I bet you used to grease your
hair all back and wear big, gold medallions! EW!"
"I did not!"
"And you went to discos to try to pick up hot chicks!"
"NO, I DIDN'T!"
"OH! You SOOO DID!"
"Cordy, I swear I didn't!"
"UH HUH! SURE! Whatever you say!"
Cordelia was rolling with laughter as she teased him mercilessly.
Angel felt himself growing flustered. He said nothing, but let
Cordelia continue on in her reign of terror. He lay still, and would be
blushing profusely if only he'd fed a little heavier earlier that night.
Cordelia continued. "And I bet you watched Shaft like every week!
And all those weird old 70's shows…Oh! I could just imagine! The Mod Squad!
Charlie's Angels! Laverne And Shirley!"
"I did not," Angel said now matter-of-factly. "And The Mod Squad
was 60's, not 70's."
"Only you would know!"
He smiled despite himself. Cordelia kept laughing.
"I'm glad you are enjoying this," He said. This made her
hysterical, and soon she was clutching her side in pain. "You're going to make
yourself sick," He said dryly when it escalated. Angel felt his mouth widening
into a grin as her brilliant, warm laughter rung out in the dark, enclosed
space.
It was still a few minutes later before she could control herself
to calm down.
When she was done, she rearranged her hair, and settled back into
him, a little chuckle still held in her throat. Cordelia grinned from cheek to
cheek, and Angel found it becoming. He sat and stared, admiring her smile in
the dark.
"I think that's the most I've heard you laugh since we left
Sunnydale." He commented.
"I think that's the most fun I've had since we left," She sighed.
She quieted down, and another silence filled the air. "Angel?" She said
finally.
"Yeah?"
"Remember when we stumbled into eachother that one night… I just
wanted to say that I'm really glad I ran into you at that party. I mean, what
were the odds that we, of all people, would run into eachother
after…after…after all that's happened."
"I remember." He said.
"It was so strange how we ended up in the same city. I'll never
forget how surprised I was…" Cordy sighed. "It's all so strange…how you found
me there…How it all happened… Oh, and then Doyle. I mean, he'd found you. He
was looking for you before you'd even arrived there, and you were supposed to
meet him, he was meant to be your seer. But he kissed me, and so then I was
your seer, and how I ended up in the equation, I will never understand. I'm
restating the obvious here, but still…" Her eyes fell a little, and she tensed.
"Angel…he was looking for you. I wasn't. Was it just a coincidence, or what?"
"We were meant to find eachother, I guess…" Angel murmured. "You,
me, and Doyle, we were all meant to find eachother. If I've learned anything in
my two hundred and fifty, er, two hundred and forty eight years of living,
everything happens for a reason."
"I wanted to ask you something." Cordelia said quietly. Angel
listened.
"Anything." He said.
"Doyle…" She said; all laughter having left her voice now. "He…he
died." She went on, her words slower, not so rushed as they'd been a moment
before. "I mean, when he died, and wasn't your seer anymore…Me. He passed his
powers on to me. Was I meant to be it…the seer? Your seer? Was I in the books,
or could it just have been some random person, the one to lead you down your
path? Was it something I was chosen for, or just something that just happened
to happen?"
"Cordy, I—"
"So am I going to lead you to victory, or what? And am I going to
do a good job???"
"Cordelia—"
"Will I even be alive when this big fight takes place?" Cordelia's
fingers locked into the material of his sweater as her voice rose and quavered.
Angel's brow furrowed as he listened to her go on. She was starting to sound
thoroughly upset. "Or am I just a temporary replacement for the next seer? I
mean, how long is this gonna take, Angel. How many seers are you going to have?
Do you think when I die, I'll pass my powers on to someone else??? Or is all
this going to blow over before the time I'm thirty??? Or what if it lasts
longer than that, and I'm carrying these visions through my midlife crisis, and
through…oh my god, menopause! Angel! Am I ever going to have a normal life? Or
am I stuck with these damned visions forever! How old am I going to get while
you stay young and fight! Am I going to start walking with a cane and peeing in
a bucket before you even get close??? I don't want to be 90 years old and still
having visions! And I don't want to be 90 while you still look 25! That more
than anything scares the living crap out of me! I don't want to be old and
decrepit while you're still young and able! And you're all I have! That means
you'll be the one tucking me into bed at night, and putting my teeth in a jar
besides my bed! EW! I don't want you to see me like that!!!" Cordelia looked
thoroughly frightened. "Oh my god! You're going to have to plan my burial!"
"Cordy," Angel said, hugging her against him. "Hey, take it easy."
"Oh my god! How can you live like this! Seeing the people around
you grow old! The people around you, die! How can the Powers do that to you!
HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO ME!!!"
"Cordy! Shh!" He held her close.
"I'm sorry!" Cordelia huffed, closing her eyes and leaning into
him. "Angel, I'm sorry! It's stupid, I know! But, seriously, it's…it's…it's so
out of control."
"I know, Cordy. I know it feels that way,"
"You're stuck with me, Angel. You're stuck with me, and I'm stuck
like this! We've been predetermined…we have these predetermined paths, and I am
a seer! I never would have thought… I don't know how long I can handle it! Oh,
and you! You're a champion! You have to save the world! How can you handle
that! Doesn't that ever wig you out?"
"It wigs me out all the time,"
"I never imagined… Did you? Angel, two hundred plus years ago,
when you met Darla in that dark alley, did you ever have any idea of what kind
of roll you would play? In history, in time I mean? In the fate of the world?"
"No. Not a clue."
"And me! Believe me when I say that back in Sunnydale, I had no
idea that by sharing my book with the new, blonde girl in school that I was
being drafted in the war for the world; good against evil…not that it's a bad
thing. If I'm gonna take part in it, I definitely want to be on the good side!
I'm just, I mean, I guess that after all…through Buffy, through Xander, through
many various injuries and faces of death…of all things, of all people, I just
can't believe… God, Angel, you've become such a big part of my life. It's so
bizarre that you and me were predetermined. I mean, two years ago you barely
even noticed me, and now we're like family. It's just so weird. You. Me. Wes.
Gunn…So many things," She concluded. "So many things…little, big, scary,
scarier…so many things, all leading up to one big event,"
"Getting stuck in a freezer is an event?" Angel asked. She smiled.
Good. He'd lightened her mood.
"No, silly! I meant, the war between good and evil!"
"Oh. I knew that."
"I just can't believe it…Here we are, and I still can't believe
it."
"I try not to think about it."
"You never think about it," Cordelia said. "Come on, admit it.
You've been too busy doing your vampire thing to think about trivial stuff like
the meaning of life,"
"You're right," He said. "I haven't really thought about it…not in
that degree anyway. If I did, I might end up insane again. Like that time after
escaping Hell? Sure don't want to do that again…I guess I've just been more
focused on making the goal, then the reason for getting there. I mean, I
was...is…was, a demon. That right there is enough to blow anyone's mind, once
you stop and think about it."
"Tell me about it!" Cordelia huffed. "When I first saw you, I had
no idea…and to think of how badly I wanted you…" She stopped then, slightly
embarrassed.
Angel looked at her in the dark.
"You wanted me?"
"Don't act like you didn't know," She said defensively.
"I didn't," He said, hiding his smile. Not that she could have
seen it anyways…
"Don't you smile at me!" She snapped. Angel gave her a funny look.
"I can tell, I can feel you
smiling…so stop it! And yes…I wanted you. Why else do you think I used to
follow you around the Bronze trying to get your attention."
Angel smiled again, slightly amused and also slightly, no greatly,
flattered at the idea. He thought briefly back to those days; how she would
constantly approach him when he was alone…ask him to dance, sit with him a the
bar, and never flinch away… Of course, she hadn't known what he was. She said
it herself. Angel suddenly realized that she had had a crush on him. And this,
more than anything, made him smile widely. The more he thought about it, the
more he remembered. Something about salty goodness…? He'd heard it. He'd heard
the comment. He just hadn't realized it came from Cordelia. He'd been too busy
searching for Buffy, but now he recalled the exact words that had come out of
her mouth, and it had been her voice alright.
"I had such a crush on you," She admitted. "But every time that
little slayer walked in, I didn't even exist… That just made me want you
more…until I found out the truth, I mean."
Now Angel was beaming, trying hard to withhold his laughter.
That's all he needed to do was laugh now in front of her. It might crush her.
Or offend her. Or piss her off. And Angel didn't want to do that. So instead,
he apologized. It was what he was good at.
"Cordy, I'm sorry, I had no idea,"
"Don't say you're sorry." She sighed. "If anyone should be sorry, it should be
me. I was so shallow… But things worked out for the best. I mean, that fact
that you were a vampire…a demon…it didn't sit that well anyway. We couldn't
have had a very good relationship, what with me being terrified of you and all…
Not to mention, what happened between you and Buffy…I'd never want to go
through that. When I saw what she was going through, when she couldn't be with
you the way…well, when all that stuff happened," Cordelia took a deep breath.
"She was crushed. I was so glad I wasn't her. It's selfish, but…I was glad it
was her going through it and not me. That sounds really bad."
"No," Angel interjected, so many memories of the past flooding
back into his mind. "No one should want to have to go through that. I'm sorry I
put her through it."
"What happened between me and Xander hurt enough…I couldn't
imagine falling for you and then having what happened, happen."
Angel fell silent.
"Yeah, well," Cordelia
stammered, starting to feel awkward. "I shouldn't have brought all that stuff
up…it hurts you."
"No," Angel said soundly. "I'm fine. Things are fine. It happened,
I've dealt with it."
"You really cared about her, I'm sorry I reminded you,"
"Don't be. She's moved on. So have I. So have you. What were we
just saying…? That all of this has seemingly happened for a reason…"
"Yeah, but…"
"Everything that has happened has brought us here. I'm glad for
that… Well, not the part about getting locked in the freezer, but you know,"
"Yeah," Cordelia said, smiling to herself. "I know. I'm glad I'm
here in LA. But I am sorry I was such a bitch back in Sunnydale, and I'm sorry
I didn't give you a chance just because you were a vampire."
"Cordy. I was…am…am still a vampire. You had a right to be afraid
of me. In fact, you should still be afraid of me."
"What!!!" Cordelia exclaimed, sitting up and looking down at where
he lay, but still not able to see in the dark. She frowned.
"You should still be afraid of me," He said.
"What for!"
"Because I'm still a demon."
"You're not a demon, Angel."
"Only because I have my soul."
"Right."
"But I still have a lot of issues that are really…dangerous,
especially for a woman, like yourself. You shouldn't be here with me."
"What?" Cordelia said absurdly. "That's the dumbest thing I've
ever heard. As long as there's no…" She felt her cheeks blush. "Sex—"
"You shouldn't even be working for me." Angel interrupted, not
even acknowledging that she'd said the 'S' word. Angel shook his head, suddenly
suffering at the knowledge of what he was. He moved away from her, pushing the
plastic aside and moving as if to get up. He did start to get up, but sensing
his movement, Cordelia put a warm hand on his cool wrist and stopped him. He
stayed sitting, but continued speaking caustically. "You really shouldn't even
be in this line of business, you know. You shouldn't even know demons exist,
You've seen…you know…things that happen around me. I'm surprised you're even
still hanging around…you and Wes and Gunn… I'm a hazard. Not exactly a great
guy to associate with,"
"Now who's having the pity party," Cordelia mumbled.
"In the last two years,Doyle died. You got those damned visions.
And then ended up in the hospital. And then, when I wasn't there, when I was
being selfish and stupid, Wesley…Wesley got shot!"
"Angel!" Cordelia said, suddenly realizing how serious their
conversation had just turned by the sheer frustration and disgust in his voice.
Angel pulled away from her. She heard him rustling slightly, shifting his
weight to turn away from her, then he lay back down quietly. Cordelia reached
out and nudged him. When he didn't respond, she nudged him harder. When he
still didn't respond, she shoved him and said, "Angel! It wasn't your fault!"
"Cordelia…if I could take it all back, I would."
"I don't want you to take it back!"
"I would have never gone to Sunnydale." He said, sitting up again.
"I would have never bothered Buffy and her friends, I'd have never bothered
you,"
"Angel, stop it!"
"I've been witness to far too many things, too many awful things,"
"Angel!"
"Even Gunn's sister…"
"That was NOT your fault! You weren't even there!"
"That's the problem, I wasn't there."
"Angel, if you hadn't come across Gunn, what happened to his
sister would probably have happened to him. He has a chance now. Better than he
ever had out on the street."
"And Wesley?"
"Wesley would still have been a watcher…he still would have ended
up watching Buffy and Faith. Faith! God! She still would have been crazy, and
for all we know, Faith could have ended up killing him, regardless of how or
why! Wes is still here, working for you, so apparently things are right!"
"And what about you?" He asked. He turned in the dark and stared
at the girl. She couldn't see him, but she sensed him. And she frowned. Angel's
gaze lingered on her down turned lips before he went on, slower, more
carefully. "You would have been in college right now, planning out your life;
making goals and looking forward to normal things…instead of fighting night
after night, risking your life against monsters and evil, fighting the good
fight." The last words came out forced; snipped.
"But it's who I am." She answered.
"But it's my fault you're this way. I don't like that."
"Well, I do! I'm happy with who I am!"
"But you shouldn't be…you should…well, you should have your innocence."
"Innocence is over rated," She said sternly.
Angel paused. Cordelia felt for his hand in the dark, finding it
and squeezing it confidently.
"Angel, I'm right where I want to be, freezer aside. I'm with you,
and I want to be here. Okay? So stop beating yourself up over it. After I'm
long and dead, feel free to blame yourself for anything, but for now, while I'm
still here. Be glad that you have a friend. FRIENDS. You have FRIENDS."
"How can you people stand to be near me after what I've done?"
"We love you, Angel. We always have."
"I don't deserve it."
"You deserve it. Trust me."
Cordelia listened, waiting for his response. She was surprised
when he didn't say anything else. She took it as a cue that he was still
questioning himself.
"Angel, I can't see you, but you'd better not be crying,"
"I'm not crying," He answered.
"Okay," She said, and then, again, waited. Nothing. "Well, what
are you doing?"
"I'm staring at you."
"Why?" She asked, suddenly self-conscious.
"Because…" He started softly. "Because…"
And then she felt his arms wrapping around her and drawing her
closer, gathering her to his chest.
"I haven't been this close to anyone in so long," He confided in a
whisper. Cordelia nodded her head, rubbing her cheek against the soft fabric of
his sweater where it pressed against his shoulder. "Not anyone, Cordy,
especially not…" He rendered himself silent.
A moment passed.
She closed her eyes and breathed in the undeniable scent of him.
He was calm now. She could feel the difference in his demeanor. She always
could, though. He ran his hand down her back softly, closing his eyes as he
pressed his face against the top of her hair. And then his other hand was
cupping her face, and she could feel his lips brush lightly against her temple.
It was faint, but it was a kiss.
She lingered, before pushing herself closer, sliding her hands
from his waist up his back. She felt
the skin on the back of his neck, strangely hot against her fingers where they
hesitated briefly before running up into his hair. He shuddered; her breath
touching his skin as she turned her face up to meet his. He opened his eyes and
looked at her. She looked back, unseeing yet completely trusting against the
darkness, and feeling something within her swelling to consume him. She leaned
forward, rubbing her face against his.
"Cordy…We can't…" He managed to say.
Cordelia ran her fingertips over his lips. "I'm not afraid of you,
you know."
"I know that."
"No…you don't."
"Cordy…"
"Angel…I'm not afraid of you. I…I…in fact, I…trust you more than
anyone,"
"Cordy…I can't…
"You can, Angel,"
"I can't."
"Touch me," She breathed.
"Cordy,"
"Angel, touch me."
"If I fall for you now…"
"If you fall for me…I swear…I wont let you down."
"But I'd let you down."
"I wouldn't let you."
"You couldn't stop me."
"I wouldn't have to."
"I want this…" He sighed. "I really, really want this, but…"
"Then don't stop it."
He pressed his forehead against hers and held her hand to his
chest, over the place where his heart sat silently.
"There's nothing in here," He said.
"There is. I know there is."
"You don't know."
"I know. I've seen it." She started to lean, bringing her lips so
intoxicatingly close to his. With a slight sigh, Angel turned his face away. As
she felt him move she tried to follow, but his words stopped her.
"But it's something you can't have. I can't let you have it."
Cordelia pulled back, trying to pull her hand with her, but he
held it firmly in place. She stopped, staring intently into the dark, wanting
to see him, to see the look on this face, to see her hand on his chest, but she
couldn't.
But she did feel him watching her.
"Don't look at me," She said. "I don't want you to see me. Close
your eyes."
Angel said nothing, but did as she had asked. Cordelia held her
hand against his chest, against his still heart, and waited. But there was nothing. No sound. No
movement.
He was the undead.
"I get the point," She finally mustered, taking her hand back now
as he finally allowed her to. She lay back against the cold, hard floor,
turning away from him and hoping he hadn't been watching her or the looks of
confliction and want and lust and fear passing over her face. ""We should get
some sleep," Cordelia sighed, letting herself go, letting her tension go and
resigning to the fact that she had just made a complete fool of herself. Had
she really expected him to kiss her? Did she really think that he…that she…that
they…had she really thought it a possibility?
But the moment she had lain down her head, he was turning her back
to face him. And without so much as a sound he was on top of her…and running
his hand over her hair…and touching her face tentatively…and he was kissing
her; kissing her soft. And deep. And imploringly. And anxiously.
She felt herself slowly react from the lethargic state she'd suddenly
been cast into when he'd first surprised her with the kiss. She exhaled slowly
into his lips and suddenly they were running their hands up and down, and over
and across, and around and below. And then their lips were biting and nipping
and foraging, and eager. And her body came alive with impatience, and she felt
herself press further into him. And he pressed back. And then she realized the
sheer weight of him was upon her and he realized how perfectly she fit there
beneath him as she curled up into him, clutching him and rubbing against him,
and they were kissing, truly kissing, and their heads were spinning in
confusion and amazement.
When he finally pulled away, she was breathless, and suddenly
embarrassed he said,
"I don't know if it's you, or all the raw meat,"
She caught her breath, and found herself wanting more.
"Must be the meat,"
He rushed forward again and they clashed together. Minutes flew by
as they swallowed one another in a dizzying spiral of kisses and gropes. Angel
pulled back, their lips still interlocked, and she rose forward with him. He
grasped her around the waist, turning over, falling on his back, and pulled her
on top of him. She half straddled his waist, half way shrugging out of his long
leatherjacket, one leg following the length of him, the other curled at his
thigh. She let the full form of her body fall against him while her hands
caught at his clothing. He rose up, his lips traveling to find the nape of her
neck and then Angel began to kiss her again in such a way she thought she would
melt. Shivers ran up her skin, and the heat seemed to collect just under the
patch of skin caught in his kiss. Cordelia made up her mind right then and
there that if he initiated it, she would sleep with him, Angelus placed
dangerously aside.
His lips moved against her aggressively, but not that
aggressively, and she sank against him when she realized he was so caught up in
the kissing that he wasn't focusing on going any further. It was good; kissing
was good. But she had to hold back when she felt her body naturally expecting
more. She felt the sheer steel of muscle in his arms about her, and she moaned
slightly when he started to suck faintly at the place below her ear. The fear
of teeth never entered her mind; they were just kissing, making out actually,
something Cordy hadn't done in a long, long time, and Angel even longer. She
suddenly realized how junior high it all was and smiled.
She broke away when she felt a hickey starting to burn, and then
decided to return the favor by locking her lips over his skin in the same
place. Angel shuddered, bucking slightly but then gripped her harder against
him. Apparently, whatever she was doing, he liked it.
They were interrupted by the sound of a lock clicking, and the
darkness broke as a thin trail of light cut through from the doorway.
Breaking apart, Angel, already on his feet, had already moved to
shield Cordelia, who although stunned, was quickly getting to her feet. Angel
shoved her safely back towards the wall, and as his dizziness dissolved, and
his fight kicked in, he became very aware of every movement and every sound
within the small space and within the doorway before them; waiting and
listening, and anticipating their attackers first move.
And then Gunn and Wesley stepped inside.
"There you are!" Wesley said. "We've been looking all over the
place for you! Where's Cordelia?"
"Didn't you hear us calling you?" Gunn asked as the light from his
flashlight bounced off the vampire's chest. He lowered it to the floor
respectively.
"No," Angel answered truthfully. He looked away shyly, rubbing a
hand through his hair.
"Reinforced steel," Cordelia explained, trying to appear as normal
as possible as she stepped around Angel to reveal herself. Gunn and Wesley
raised their flashlights, and the faint light bounced briefly across her face.
They paused at her appearance, noticing the swollen pucker of her lips and her
disarrayed hair, but said nothing. The beams fell to the floor, and there was
just enough light in the room for the humans to stare at eachother. Angel
folded his arms. Cordelia glanced at him and then gestured around the enclosed
space. "We couldn't hear anything outside of this freezer…"
"How on earth did you survive!" Wesley remarked as the cold came
over him, and goose bumps trailed down his arms.
"Angel gave me his coat," Cordelia said shortly, stepping past
them to exit the confined space.
"What happened to your hair?" Gunn finally asked.
Cordelia said nothing but left, and Angel followed her, out into
the dingy kitchen. Wes and Gunn trailed after them, leaving the freezer door
wide open.
"What are you doing here anyway?" Cordelia snapped, an obvious
annoyance in her voice, though both Gunn and Wesley thought it was because
she'd been trapped in a freezer, not because of…well, what they didn't know was
happening with Angel at the time they'd decided to bust on in.
"After the dinner party, I decided to stop back at the hotel to
pick up some research materials and found that Angel hadn't come home. I called
your apartment and no one picked up, so I called Gunn and we came to
investigate. We found Angel's car still parked out back."
"It's a good thing we came along, or you'd still be stuck in that
freezer," Gunn commented. Cordelia gave him a dirty look.
"Oh, Damn!" She said sarcastically.
Now Gunn gave her a dirty look. "Am I missing something here?"
"She's cranky, as usual," Angel said as convincingly as possible,
passing them all up and heading out to the main dining room. "You know how
Cordy gets when she doesn't get a full eight hours of sleep…" He glanced at
her, blankly at first, mortified if she guessed correctly, but then Angel did
something completely uncharacteristic; he smirked, a private amusement on his
face. He arced his brow at her and she felt herself blushing hot and looking
away. "I'm glad I'm out of there…" he then said, letting the smirk fall away.
He looked at Gunn and Wesley seriously. "You know, one more hour with her, and
I don't know what I would've done."
Boy, didn't that imply something.
"I'm glad it wasn't me," Gunn said. "I don't think I could have
handled it."
Cordelia gave him an icy glare.
"I meant the cold, Miss Thang!"
"Yeah, sure ya did!"
"How did you get locked in there anyway?" Wesley asked. They were
now heading outside to the parking lot where Gunn's truck and Wesley's new
Alero were parked next to Angel's classic Plymouth.
"After you left," Cordelia said, still bundled up in Angel's
leather coat. "I went in to see what Angel was doing, and then he tripped,"
"On shrimp." Angel said.
"On expired shrimp…And then when I was helping him up, someone
closed the door and locked us in."
"Expired shrimp?" Gunn said disgustedly. "Remind me never to eat
here again,"
"Ditto," Cordelia said.
"Was it the Spontoon Demon?" Wesley asked.
"It had to be." Angel said. "He somehow got passed me, and when
Cordy came in, he slipped out."
"I can't believe I was that close to a demon," Cordy shivered.
Angel gave her a direct look. "A Spontoon demon, I mean."
The subtext was getting thick.
"You two could've been in a lot of trouble," Wesley said
worriedly. "It's a good thing I went to the hotel."
"Yeah," Cordelia said nervously. "It's a good thing you found us
when you did. I don't know how I would've felt in the morning…"
"Huh?" Wesley asked.
"I mean, I don't know what would have happened to me, what you
would have found, in the morning. I might have froze to death, you know."
"Angel wouldn't let that happen," Wes said.
"No," Cordelia said, smirking at her boss as he was busy fishing
for his keys. She reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out his key
ring. "He sure wouldn't." She slipped them into Angel's hand and let her
fingers linger just enough for Angel to tell she'd meant to linger. She let go,
and passed him to go around to the passenger's side.
"So, what are we going to do?" Gunn asked, looking at Angel.
"Should we go after it now?" Wesley asked. "It's trail may still
be warm."
Angel looked to Cordelia, swallowing slightly.
"No. I want to get Cordelia home. Make sure she doesn't get sick.
We can hunt it tomorrow."
"Okay," Gunn said with a shrug.
"It's your call," Wesley replied.
"Yeah, just head home," Angel looked up at the sky. "We'll go
after it later. He's probably long gone by now anyway."
"Later, then." Gunn said. He walked away.
"Later."
"Good night, Angel, Cordelia," Wesley said, going to his car.
"Night, Wesley." Cordelia called. Angel waived and the ex-watcher
climbed into his car.
The parking lot came to life with the two distinct roars of their
engines. First Gunn pulled out of the lot, speeding off into the street
traffic, and then Wes.
Alone now, Angel and Cordelia climbed into his car. In the moments
of silence that followed, the air suddenly became unbearably thick and Angel
coughed. Cordelia cracked the window and looked outside. Angel checked the
positioning of the mirrors; anything to avoid what was so ready to boil to the
surface after what had just taken place. Satisfied with the mirrors, Angel
finally decided to get the car moving.
"Cordy," He started as he slipped the key into the ignition.
Cordelia pulled on her seatbelt and looked straight ahead. Angel waited for a
reaction, but got nothing. "We…" He said meekly. "We probably shouldn't have…"
"Right." She interrupted. "Totally right."
"I only…it was…I didn't mean…" He looked flustered. "It wasn't
what…oh. This is hard. We…you…we were sleeping together…and…it just…well, you
know."
"Not sleeping," Cordelia
corrected him. "Just 'sleeping'."
"Oh, right. Right."
"And things got kinda intense, what with the conversation and
all…"
"Yes, the conversation was…intense,"
"And I really didn't mean…"
Cordelia sat up straight in her chair.
"Well, I didn't mean…either!"
"And we're still friends, right?" Angel slumped in his seat and
stared at her.
Cordelia stared back, and nodded. "Of course. Always."
"Good."
"Really good."
Angel sighed and started the engine.
"Cordy—"
"Angel—"
"Sorry, go ahead."
"No, you go ahead."
"Um, okay." Angel looked down into his lap and cleared his throat
nervously. "I just…I want to thank you, for everything you've been to me.
You've been a bigger part of my life the past two years than I might give you
credit for, and I couldn't have come this far without you. I'd never risk
losing that for anything, and even though something…really weird and bizarre,
happened tonight, between us, it doesn't mean that I don't feel the same…way,
about you that I always have. You're my friend. You're my seer, and…my point
is, we're family. We, er, kissed, that's all. Nothing catastrophic, right!
We…we…we can get through this, right?"
"Angel,"
His eyes rose to meet hers.
"We'll get through this."
"Ah, good!"
"But I want to clear something up here! You were really warm and
comfortable so I'm glad it was you I was stuck with. And yes, we're family, and
I love you. But, if you tell anyone about what happened in that freezer, I'm
going to personally stake you!"
Angel smiled at her from the drivers seat.
"I wont tell," He promised, sitting back. "As long as you don't
tell anyone about the leisure suit thing."
"I promise I wont," Cordelia smiled.
"Good." Angel sighed in relief.
Cordelia's smile widened into a grin.
"So…" He started, nervously watching her out of
the corner of his eye. He drummed his fingers across the steering wheel
multiple times before finally resting his hands in his lap. He looked over at
Cordelia, and after clearing his throat, in a soft and slightly anticipating
voice, asked, "Your place, or mine?"
Cordelia arched her brow, and taking one good,
long look at his pale, cool lips, thought of all she'd been missing. Kissing.
Mmm, kissing was good. Kissing wasn't catastrophic, right? He'd said so
himself. They could get through it. Later. Maybe tomorrow. But what about
tonight?
Kissing…Mmm, kissing.
Cordelia pushed a stray stand of hair back from
her eyes, and turning in her seat to face him, she answered,
"Yours."
And they kissed happily ever after.
Hey, why not, right?
Kissing. Mmm, kissing.