9.

"Wh-what... huh... wha- how?" Dark Link spluttered in the general direction of Princess Ruto. She, of course, had no idea what he was trying to say, so she looked at the real Link to see if he would translate.

"I think what the Dark-Me-who-is-currently-at-a-loss-for-words-aka-the-pure-evil-clone-of-me-aka-Ganon's-filthy-fiend is trying to say, is 'How did you escape from the ice?'." He looked at Dark Link. "It was Sheik-the-sheikah-with-the-horribly-conceived-name-and-the-surprisingly-feminine-voice, by the way."

"You could have just said Dark Link..." he glared, before turning back to stare at Ruto. "Why?"

Ruto turned back to the real Link. "What did he say?"

Dark Link narrowed his eyes. "I said, 'Why?'."

"By which he meant, 'Why did he free you?'," Link explained.

"Because he was captivated by my beauty, wits, riches, royalty, and general awesomeness, of course!" Both Links burst into laughter. "What's so funny?" she asked.

"Nothing," Link lied, eventually.

However, at exactly the same time, Dark Link, "Look! Link's here now, so you should marry him!"

Crash!

Link had collapsed. "Never!" he cried. "By which I definitely meant 'Uh... Why don't you marry Dark Link instead?'!"

"You both proposed to me!" Ruto yelled, utterly confused.

"You proposed to her?"

"I thought it would annoy you. I see I was wrong," Dark Link revealed his plans to everybody. "Then Ganondorf ordered me to freeze her... And the rest of Zora's Domain. I did it. But now she's back!"

Link nodded sympathetically, "I'm sorry. It'll be okay. We can freeze her again after this is all over."

Ruto was staring at them. She was weighing up the options. "Hm," she said at last, "do I marry the one who mysteriously disappeared for seven years on the day we got engaged, or do I marry the one who just admitted to only proposing to annoy the first one and then tried to kill me?"

"It's a hard choice, Princess," Dark Link interrupted. "But remember, you stole my book! Therefore, you can't marry me! I refuse! Thief!"

"But I don't deserve you, Ruto!" Link cried out.

Dark Link turned to Link. "Look, nobody deserves being married to her for an eternity."

The Princess of the Zoras looked at both them. "You're just scared."

"Yes, we're scared. We're terrified," Link confirmed.

A silence descended upon the room. Strangely, at the very same time (by sheer coincidence, of course), both the warriors knew what to do. Link stared at Dark Link, and Dark Link stared back. Princess Ruto stared at Restoree. ...They were sizing each other up (which, quite frankly, was completely unnecessary considering they were exactly the same as each other).

"We'll have a duel," Link announced.

"The loser has to marry Ruto," Dark Link continued.

"Hookshots at dawn?" Ruto asked.

They looked at her, eyebrows raised. "No... Swords at, uh, now," Link said. She looked dejected. "But think of it this way: we're battling for your love!" Technically, they were battling to escape her love.

"All right... But I did want hookshots at dawn," she sighed wistfully.

Ignoring her, the warriors turned back to each other, drawing their swords – Link's glowing white, the epitome of all things good, Dark Link's an inky black, because it matched his clothes. Their eyes narrowed. It was time for the ultimate battle of warriors...

"WAIT!" screeched the Princess. "I've nearly finished Restoree! You can't go starting until I've finished it!"

Dark Link glared at her, infuriated. "Why don't you finish it while we fight?" he suggested. She nodded. And so they fought.

Steel clashed against steel, eyes scanned each other for weakness, eyes scanned books for words, and they danced (except Ruto who just read. Oh, and Link and Dark Link didn't actually dance – they were too busy fighting).

After many hours of intense fighting, Link slipped to the floor. Not stopping to catch a breath, Dark Link raced forwards, held Link's sword hand down so he could not fight back and pressed his own sword against the Hero of Time's neck.

"I... I can't believe it..." he gasped gleefully. "I'm at last going to be free of-"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I'VE FINISHED IT!"

Dark Link swirled round, surprised. Princess Ruto was just closing her book (for what seemed like the first time in two years). She had finished Restoree (by Anne McCaffrey).

Link swept his legs into Dark Link's. He fell back, dropping his sword as he did so. Link kicked it out of reach and pinned his rival down with the Master Sword.

Ruto ran over. "Link! You beat him! That means... Wait, that means I'm getting married to Dark Link, doesn't it?"

"Yes, Ruto."

"Never!" he cried defiantly. "Please, Link, please! Finish me off! I wasn't that evil, was I?"

Ruto grinned and clung onto him. "Don't be silly, darling. Look, if you're still worried about Restoree, I'll give it back to you. I've read it!" The book was forced into his sword hand. Dark Link cried; he was just the shadow of the man he used to be (and also Link).

The bars slid open, signifying his defeat. "Take his sword, will you? He won't be needing that any longer," she barked at Link.

He shrugged and obeyed her orders, like any sensible person valuing their sanity would. Dark Link lay in a heap beside him, a broken man.

"You know what I just decided?" the fish woman asked. "We will get married as soon as I've finished helping Link!"

He curled into a ball, still crying. Restoree slipped out of his hands onto the floor. Ruto grinned, oblivious.

"I'll take that as a yes then."

Finis

A/N And that, readers, was the conclusion of the epic, (un)true story of Dark Link's tragic downfall! Feel free to show your adoration/hatred in the form of a review!

Crazymark.