Disclaimer: Don't own avatar, yadda yadda, and I won't own it by the time this story is over, so this is the only disclaimer you get! HAH!
To those of you new to my writings, I usually start it out with an authors note that just tells you a bit about my current life experiences. Tonight's experience…HUMAN FOOSBALL! It was awesome! And I'm proud to say that I sustained the worst injury. Steve, who's on the soccer team, kicked the eight pound exercise ball as hard as he could…right at my face. It knocked me flat on my butt! It was so freakin' cool! Hopefully I'll have at least one black eye tomorrow! My nose is still numb and I have a headache. So I am in the perfect mood to begin a humorous fic! Yay!
Alright, this is my first total spoof of the ALTA series. I'm doing this to be a smart ass, so nobody take anything personally. I made Zuko (and all the other non-important characters) be this way for fun. In all actuality I lick the ground he walks on. I hope you enjoy!
"MEGA SQUEE! UNCLE! GUESS WHAT!" Zuko squealed and galloped down the hallway to his uncle's room. He yanked the door open and his squeal of glee turned into a shriek of horror at the sight of Iroh dressed as a tea bag and dancing around the room.
"UNCLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He demanded.
"It is my daily ritual of worshiping the god of tea." Iroh said as he performed a magnificent pirouette. Zuko watched Iroh blankly for a moment.
"Uncle, you have a sickness."
"Yes…I know. Now why are you mega squee-ing?" Iroh asked. This led Zuko to another series of happy squeals. He pulled a calendar…scroll…thingy from the back of his belt and held it out for his uncle to see.
"IT'S MY DADDY'S BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK! I WANNA THROW HIM A PARTY!"
"Zuko, you've been banished from the firenation. You can't throw him a party."
"I WANNA THROW HIM A PARTY!" Zuko yelled and stomped his foot.
"Zuko, your father will kill you if you so much as put one toe over the firenation borders. You can't throw him a party."
"I WANNA THROW HIM A PARTY!" Zuko roared, his face turned a horrid shade of purple and various veins popped out all across his scalp.
"Holy crap, that was in ALL CAPS and bold! Nobody can mess with that. Alright Zuko, you can throw him a party." Iroh said. Zuko giggled and clapped his hands with joy.
"Thank you uncle. Now I just need to figure out what to get him."
"You could always capture the avatar and present him to your father, then you won't…you know…die." Iroh said.
"Nope, I can't do that," Zuko said and leaned forward to whisper, "He'll be expecting that." They both glanced from side to side to make sure there was nobody to overhear them.
"So what else are you going to get him?" Iroh asked.
"I don't know for sure. I've been looking at scrolls and whatever else it is we read and I think I've got a pretty good idea about what I want to get him. But it will be a complex journey, fraught with danger and sticky messes. But it will be well worth it when we reach our goal and can proudly present to my father the…GAH! GOOD GOD UNCLE! NO! MY EYES! I CAN'T FEEL MY EYES!" Zuko ran out of the room screaming as Iroh began taking off his teabag costume.
"MY BODY ISN'T THAT BAD!" Iroh yelled out the doorway after him. Lt. Ji happened to walk around the corner at that precise moment and quietly had a heart attack and died at the sight of nekkid Iroh.
"Now I'm depressed." Iroh said with a sad frown and a tear, "I need to go drink my weight in tea now."
And he did.
Aang, Sokka and Katara were wandering through a market (because where else can you wander) one fine lovely day, completely unstressed about the impending doom upon them all if they didn't stop the firelord. Hey, they're teenagers, they have a month to do that, right?
Hmm, he's cute. Katara thought to herself as she watched a boy walk by. Hmm, he's cute too! And so is he!
"Katara, are you checking out guys again?" Sokka asked.
"No!" Katara said as she tilted her head to inspect a certain specimen who was bending over.
"I swear, you fall in love with every single guy you see!" Sokka said.
"I do not! I'm not in love with Aang, am I? Ooh!" Her attention was distracted by another fellow who happened to walk by. She didn't even notice that Aang's bottom lip began to quiver.
"It's no use, Momo. She's never going to see me as more than just a friend." Aang said sadly.
"Um…Aang…we can here you." Sokka said. Aang glanced up quickly, but luckily Katara wasn't even paying attention.
"No you can't!" Aang said.
"I can't?" Sokka asked.
"No, you can't. When I talk to Momo he's the only one that can hear me!" Aang said.
"Oh. I didn't know that. Sorry for the mistake."
"(giggle) we fooled him." Aang said quietly to Momo.
"Hey! I heard that!" Sokka said angrily.
"No you didn't!" Aang called back.
"Oh. Okay. KATARA! NO! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S BEEN!" Sokka ran away to pry Katara away from a brown-haired teenage boy. Aang sighed sadly and petted Momo's back.
"Don't worry Aang. You'll always have me and Appa!" Momo said.
"You can talk?" Aang asked in surprise
"Duh."
"Why didn't you ever talk before?"
"Because, I wasn't needed to use up page space before. In fact, that is the whole purpose of this blithering ramble"
"Huh?"
"Nevermind, you're stupid, I'm not talking to you anymore."
"No! Wait! I'm sorry Momo! I'll try to be more smart!"
"Um…Aang…It's time I told you that talking to a Lemur isn't a good thing." Sokka said, now with Katara towed behind him on a leash.
"I'm talking to Momo! You can't here me!" Aang said angrily. Sokka was about to say something in return, but Katara had somehow managed to chew through her leash and had dashed into the crowd laughing madly at the top of her lungs.
"KATARA!" He went chasing after her but it was difficult in the crowd. Aang sighed, pulled a tranquilizer blower from a mysterious place in his shirt and followed them. Katara was on her hands and knees, sniffing at the ground. She could smell it! A hot guy completely worthy of her attention. Her sniffing brought her right to black-booted, well defined calf. She pressed her nose against it and breathed in deep. Oh yes, this was a hot one. She didn't realize how hot until she looked up the tall body and spotted the ponytailed head of prince Zuko.
"GAH! UNCLE! IT'S TOUCHING ME!" Zuko shrieked and jumped up on the fruit stand. "GET IT AWAY!" Iroh stepped forward purposefully with a broom at hand and began poking it in Katara's face.
"Go on then, shoo! Shoo!" Katara growled at him and hunched her shoulders.
"Wait! That's the girl who travels with the avatar!" Zuko said and scrambled down to the ground.
"It took you long enough. You'd think you would remember be after I kicked you butt!" Katara said angrily. Then her face split into a grin as she inspected the butt in question.
"Uncle! This is our chance! We could use her as bait to lead the avatar to us!" Zuko said loudly.
"What a wonderfully original idea, nephew! You do that…and I'll drink tea and spit out wise proverbs."
"Yes, we are such and awesome team!" Zuko said happily. He and Iroh gave each other a high five and thumped chests.
"Alright, we're going to capture you now!" Zuko said, turning to Katara.
"FINALLY!" She squealed and looked heavenward.
"You're not supposed to like it!" Zuko said angrily.
"Says you!" Katara snorted and looped her arm through his elbow.
"Wait, don't touch me! You're icky! I've changed my mind! I don't want to capture you anymore!" Zuko said, trying to yank his arm from her iron grip.
"GET YOUR GREASY HANDS OFF MY SISTER!" Sokka yelled, jumping suddenly from the crowd.
"I'M TRYING TO BUT-HEY! MY HANDS AREN'T GREASY!" Zuko finally managed to shake Katara from his arm and she instead latched on to his waist.
"I TOLD YOU TO GET AWAY FROM HER!" Sokka said, nearly bending double with yelling but doing nothing otherwise to enforce his will.
"WHY DON'T YOU GET HER AWAY FROM ME! UNCLE! DO SOMETHING!" Zuko yelled.
"I am." Iroh said and took another sip of tea. Finally, Aang caught up with them pelted Katara with a tranquilizer dart. She let out a soft sight before sliding to the ground. Zuko quickly took a few steps away from her.
"Gasp! You've captured Katara!" Aang said, looking back and forth between the unconscious Katara and Zuko who was a few feet away, dancing as though covered in bugs.
"Huh? Oh, yeah! I've captured Karena! You have to do what I say now!" Zuko said, standing boldly.
"We do?" Sokka asked.
"Yeah." Aang said then turned to Zuko. "We are your slaves now." Zuko smiled to himself.
"Well then…as my slaves I have a very important task for you…" Zuko said.
"What's that?" Aang asked.
"It's a very dangerous task-"
"It is?"
"Yes, now shuttup and let me finish. It's a very dangerous task-"
"You already said that."
"I KNOW I ALREADY SAID IT! NOW SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET ME SET THE SUSPENSE FOR THE UPCOMING CLIFFHANGER!" Zuko yelled.
"Oh sorry."
"That's okay…where was I?"
"It's a very dangerous task."
"Thankyou. Ahem. It's a very dangerous task. One that will take us through danger and alternate universes and danger and Sokka will possibly die."
"Do I have to?" Sokka whined.
"Probably not because you're too much of a lightning rod of torment." Zuko said.
"Aw, crunch monkeys." Sokka said and kicked at the dirt.
"So what is the dangerous task for?" Aang asked. Zuko glared at him and took a few steps closer. He leaned in and peered at Aang with a squinted eye, trying to decide if the child was ready to hear his fate.
"We're going to throw my daddy a birthday party!" Zuko said with a squeal.
Oh yeah, bow down to the awesome stupidity of this story! And then review…BUT STAY BOWED! I want to see creaking spines!