Disclaimer: SGA - not mine, don't sue! For fan enjoyment, not profit….

AN: Cathal pointed out that CMO often refers to Chief MEDICAL Officer, but I've also seen it used for Chief Military Officer, albeit not as frequently, so I feel justified with its occasional use to refer to Sheppard. (Oh, and you're going to love 'whodunit') LOL

Decompression - Take 2

By Kerr Avon

"Doctor Weir, this is Major Lorne."

"Good to hear from you. Any luck finding our people?"

Lorne glanced at his passengers. Sheppard was now sitting propped up on his elbows staring at him with a bemused expression, while McKay was tending a now-moaning engineer. "Um, yeah. We ran into them." Sheppard smirked at that.

"What's your ETA?"

"I'm afraid that might be a problem. You see, we kind of crashed…"

Instead of the explosion he half-expected, there was a concerned query, "Are you and Dr. McKay all right?"

"Yes ma'am." He glanced at Sheppard, who was gesturing for him to hand over the radio. "Dr. Weir, Colonel Sheppard would like to speak to you."

"Good. Put him on."

Lorne handed over the earpiece. "Elizabeth?"

"Colonel Sheppard. How are you feeling?"

"Killer headache, otherwise all right." He winced slightly as he thought about it.

"We'll send another Jumper out to pick you up. You'll be back here in no time."

"Actually, that's not such a good idea."

"What do you mean?" Dr. Weir was understandably confused.

"Radek believes the Jumpers have been sabotaged, and that it has something to do with our Earth computers. It seems both Griffin's ship and ours crashed due to the same malfunction at the exact same flight time."

"That does sound suspicious. What about Lorne's?"

Sheppard grimaced. "I sorta…sideswiped them. We haven't had a chance to check how much damage was done."

A pause. "I see. Do whatever diagnostics you need to, then get back to us; if you can't fly here, we'll have to come to you, risky or not."

Weir signed off and Sheppard shrugged and began to get up.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked McKay, still dripping from the storm, swinging round to address him.

"You heard Elizabeth. We need to…"

His reply was cut off by the Major, who said, "I can run the systems check. You just lay down and rest a minute."

John had to admit that the thought was appealing, and he was beginning to warm up under the blankets. Still…"Two people might do it faster."

"Not really, and you know it. Just relax. The sooner I get started, the sooner I'll finish." Lorne fixed his superior with a 'you know I'm right' stare, and Sheppard smiled.

"I guess I've crashed enough Jumpers for one day. OK, I'll play invalid. But call if you need my help!"

"Will do, sir." With that, Lorne turned and made his way to the cockpit.

Just then Zelenka's eyes squinted open, and he blinked at the face floating above him. "Rodney? What are you doing here? Were you in the Jumper we hit?"

"Yes, and now you are, too. Trust me, it's in lots better shape than yours!" He replaced the cold pack that had slipped off the Czech's forehead.

Radek's eyes widened as he recalled the accidents. "Rodney, the Jumpers…they both crashed due to the right drive pod…"

"Yes, yes. Sheppard's told us your theory," he replied testily. "No other Jumpers are launching until this is all cleared up."

"I think the Goa'uld may have downloaded its program with the new security patches; we need to start looking in the…"

"Diagnostics program, I know," interrupted McKay. "I was also going to analyze the patches themselves to see if there was code hidden within them."

Zelenka fixed him with a stare. "Then you believe that my theory has validity?"

McKay shrugged. "It's certainly reasonable, given the nature of the two crashes."

"Then you no longer believe that my team's sloppiness was the cause of your ordeal?" he persisted.

Rodney fidgeted a moment before admitting, "No…no your team was adequate."

Zelenka's stare took on an added sharpness. "So, then, your haranguing will cease?"

"I never 'harangued' anybody," McKay objected.

Zelenka raised one eyebrow, but said nothing as he continued to stare at the physicist with steely eyes. After a minute, Rodney shifted uncomfortably. A minute more, and he threw his arms apart and exploded, "OK, OK, I'll stop haranguing! Happy?"

Radek sighed and relaxed back onto his pillow, allowing his eyes to slide shut. "Completely," he answered, then drifted into a doze.

A snort from the other bench reminded McKay that they were not alone. Turning around to Sheppard, he snapped, "Oh, you think that's funny, do you? Just remember, I still have to change your bandage!" He pointed at the bloody one adorning the pilot's forehead.

Sheppard smirked. "Nah, just toss me the medikit; I can do it myself." Rodney scowled, then threw the requested item to the LTC, with a little more force than absolutely necessary. John snagged it like a football, grinning even wider as he opened it up and took out the supplies he needed.

Just then the Major returned. "Amazing but true, according to my readings you managed to gouge this Jumper's bodywork, but not much else. It's not pretty, but it's perfectly safe to fly home. Your Jumper, on the other hand, is going nowhere. I can see bits of drive pod strewn down the beach for half a mile!"

That roused Doctor Zelenka. Blearily he sat and looked in the direction of the pilot, then insisted, "Under no circumstances should you hook up any of our laptops to the control panels, or this flight will be very brief."

"I hadn't planned to. It's kind of hard to pilot the ship and play with a computer at the same time. I sure could use another set of eyes up front, though." The Major looked expectantly at McKay, who was the most mobile of the three passengers.

Sheppard watched as all the color drained from Rodney's face, then began levering himself off the couch. "I'll do it," he volunteered, wincing as his muscles protested the movement.

Lorne looked at his superior questioningly. "Are you sure you're up to it?"

Sheppard shrugged. "Yeah, I'm good. You'd better check in with Weir before we take off."

Lorne realized that his superior felt far from well, but he had also seen Rodney's terror at riding shotgun in a potentially damaged Jumper. Of the two, he'd take the experienced but concussed pilot hands down, so he didn't argue. "Will do," he replied, helping John into the copilot's seat.

As the two soldiers reported back to Atlantis, Zelenka, who had also seen McKay blanche, addressed him. "Rodney, would you mind giving me a hand up?" he asked. McKay turned blank eyes towards him, then shook himself and nodded once, curtly.

Within minutes Radek was sitting on the bench holding his head. "Are you certain you wouldn't rather lie down?" asked McKay dubiously.

"No. But I would like you to hand me that laptop and help me look through that code. I tried to do it myself in the other ship, but…" he shrugged and gestured to the knot on his head.

Rodney sat next to him, glad to discuss anything other than their impending takeoff. "I thought you got that from when you plowed into us."

"Colonel Sheppard plowed into you; I was only along for the ride. And one of the reasons it is so large is that I was knocked unconscious twice."

"Oh." McKay was uncertain as to what else to say. Opening up the Dell, he booted it up and asked, "So what did you look at already?" Within minutes they were so immersed in analyzing the programs that they didn't even notice when the Jumper became airborne.

Sheppard glanced back at the pair who, for the first time since they'd rescued McKay from the bottom of the ocean, seemed to be acting like friends again. He turned back to the windshield where, though the night's darkness, he could see the lights of Atlantis shining.

The flight was surprisingly uneventful, and the group was met in the Jumper Bay by not only Dr. Beckett and company, but also by a relieved Dr. Weir. Given the nature of the last dual crash, Carson insisted that everyone involved undergo a thorough check-up. Afterwards, Lorne and McKay were released, while Sheppard and Zelenka were kept overnight for observation. Somehow the physician was unsurprised to find Radek and Rodney deeply immersed in an argument about computer virus software at his two a.m. neuro check.

"Och, now, let the lad sleep!" he exclaimed, trying to confiscate Rodney's computer.

McKay kept it out of his reach. "You're the one who wakes him up every two hours to ask a bunch of inane questions. Don't forget, I was on the receiving end of this routine just a few days ago."

Beckett gave him a no nonsense look. "If you don't want to be on it again, you'll leave quietly. You can have your playmate back in the morning."

McKay looked prepared to argue the point, when a soft snore emanated from Radek's bed. "You see there? He's exhausted." Beckett grabbed a protesting Rodney by the arm and ushered him to the door. "Go!"

Reluctantly Rodney went, but not without a promise to return in the morning. Beckett went over to where Zelenka lay snoring and chuckled. "He's gone, lad. You can stop pretending."

Radek cracked open one eye and looked at the doctor sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"I'll answer your question if you answer mine; why did you pretend to be asleep?" Carson crossed his arms expectantly.

The answer was immediate and apologetic. "I really would like to get some sleep, and with the noise you two were making I was afraid that you'd wake up LTC Sheppard." He gestured to the next bed, where the pilot lay on his back, breathing quietly.

The physician's smile widened. "But he isn't asleep, either." He turned to Sheppard, "Are ye now?"

This time the pilot opened his eyes and looked sheepish. "No, I'm not. But I'm with Zelenka on this; how did you know?"

Carson just shook his head and clucked. "I know the sleeping habits of all my 'regulars'. You, sir," he pointed to Radek, "do not snore. And you," he pointed to Sheppard, "snore like a chainsaw." Still chuckling, he returned to his cot on the far end of the room and reset it for two more hours.

After they were released the next morning, Radek joined McKay for an early breakfast then headed off to the Jumper Bay to run tests integrating the laptops and their diagnostic test-flight programs into the circuitry of a non-airborne Jumper.

"I believe it is a problem in the scan of the tertiary systems." Radek's glasses were almost to the end of his nose as he concentrated on the screen in front of him.

"Yes, here…" Rodney pointed at a particular line of code. "When this goes through the Ancient translation program, then feeds back and is uploaded into the Jumper's drive systems…"

"The results from the tertiary back-up exhaust system of the right drive pod return to the diagnostic program…." Radek verbally described the computer events.

Rodney glanced at their simulated 'mission clock', "Almost to the problem point…three…two….one…"

The screen suddenly began spew streams of gibberish and refused to respond to commands, followed by 'the blue screen of death'.

Zelenka sat back with a sigh. "That must be it."

Rodney shook his head. "They're never going to believe this. Even I don't believe it, and I just watched it!"

"We're going to have to reinstall the operating systems of every computer on base," Radek groaned, putting a hand to his already-pounding forehead.

"Even worse…" McKay began, then trailed off.

Zelenka lowered his hand and looked at the other man. "What?"

"We're going to have to tell Elizabeth."

Radek groaned and buried his face in his hands.

--------------------

Later, in Weir's office, the pair held a meeting to explain the problem.

"So, the Goa'uld had nothing to do with this?" asked Elizabeth skeptically.

"No, it was something far more dangerous and infinitely more insidious; it was Windows." McKay shook his head.

"I'm sorry?"

McKay tried to explain: "Think of it like this: have you ever downloaded a Microsoft security patch, only to have Windows suddenly lock up the computer?"

"Yes…" Weir was dubious.

Zelenka took up the explanation. "One of the patches we recently downloaded picks up the control subroutine of a functioning tertiary exhaust valve on the right drive pod as spyware and quarantines it, causing the engine to malfunction. The resulting feedback loop locks up the computer."

Sheppard's eyebrow climbed to his hairline as he slowly summarized, "So you're saying…Bill Gates crashed our jumpers?"

The two scientists smiled in unison and chorused, "Precisely!"

Elizabeth buried her face in her hands. "How am I going to put this in a mission report?" she sighed. Looking up, she continued, "Rodney, I need your report on my desk in the morning. In the meantime, do what you have to do to keep our ships safe."

As the group rose to leave, she stood and added, "Oh Rodney, don't you have something to say to Dr. Zelenka?"

"No, not that I can think of. Why?" McKay looked truly confused.

"Remember our conversation just before the test flight of the Jumper you supervised repairs on?" she hinted.

McKay looked sheepish. "Oh, yeah. That."

"Well?" she prodded.

"RadekI'msorryIthoughtyourrepairsweresloppyandit'llneverhappenagain," he mumbled hurriedly. He looked up defiantly at that point, as if daring anyone in the room to try and make him repeat it.

Sheppard blinked in surprise. "Did I just hear what I think I heard?"

Radek grinned, "Yes, you did. Apology accepted. Thank you."

McKay spread his arms in exasperation, "Can we get on with our jobs, now? It's going to be a long day."

"Dismissed," Weir was wearing a smile of her own.

As Radek and Rodney exited, McKay asked, "What is it about the women I meet? They all claim that I'm 'petty, arrogant, and treat people badly', then they want me to change."

Zelenka shrugged. "I do not know. It is a shame that we cannot reinstall operating system in women."

McKay smiled ruefully. "You're right. They might make more sense in Linux." He sighed. "We've got to work on every computer on base."

"There will be a lot of people displeased." Radek replied slightly dejectedly.

The two men then exchanged a pleased glance, then strode side-by-side down the corridor arguing over who would get to confiscate Kavanagh's laptop for the reinstall.

The End

AN: I can't believe this was so long! The darned thing just took off with me! Please let me know how you like the finished product…