The Final Fantasy VII FAQ

Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy VII.

Allele: Hello, and welcome to the premiere episode… issue… whatever of the Final Fantasy VII FAQ, where I read your most pressing questions to the members of the FF7 cast for them to answer. Don't ask where I got the questions, 'cause my sources aren't that reliable. (hollers) Okay guys, come in!

(Final Fantasy 7 cast comes in)

Tifa: Oh oh are we on T.V.? (waves)

Cloud: (waving) HI MOM!

Barret: Uh, your mother's already dead foo

Cloud: Oh… wait… yeah (cries)

Cloud fangirls: HE MADE CLOUDY-SAMA CRY! (point to Barret)

Barret: I didn' do it! I didn' do it!

Cloud fangirls: KILL!

Barret: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Allele: While they're mauling Barret, let's start with the first question… (opens up bag of mail and reads) "This is for Cloud… who do you love more, Tifa or Aerith?"

Cloud: (looking around the set) Are there more Clorith fans here than Clofa fans?

Everyone else except Tifa: Yes

Cloud: I love Aerith more, then.

Tifa: CLOUD!

Cloud: I mean, I love Tifa more.

Aerith: CLOUD STRIFE!

Cloud: Uh… Barret?

Everyone else: NO!

Cloud: Fine! Sephiroth it is (clings to Seph on the adjacent couch)

Sephiroth: (impales Cloud with Masamune) MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cloud: (pulls Masamune out of his gut and hands it to Sephiroth) Here, you lost this.

Everyone else: (blink blink)

Allele: "To the brown-haired girl in the pink dress A.K.A. The Flower Lady™: What's your real name? Aeris or Aerith?"

Aerith: Missus Strife will be fine, thank you. (smirks)

Tifa: (scowls and rolls her eyes)

Allele: "Tifa, why are your boobs so freakin' big? And why do you wear such skimpy clothes?"

Tifa: (looks down at her chest) Oh, these? I got them when I was 15. I wanted to shock Cloud when he got back to Nibelheim (winks at Cloud)

Cloud: (gets a nosebleed)

Allele: How 'bout the clothes? If they can be called that…

Tifa: I'm stuck with these until Advent Children comes along…

Barret: Why don't you jes use your salary from the FFVII sales to buy new ones?

Tifa: Oh… I spent it all on a villa in Costa del Sol. (sheepish grin)

Aerith: … And because she's just a five-gil ho.

Allele: "Cid, why do you swear so much?"

Cid: (lights a cigarette) Part of the programming, #$&()!.

Allele: "To Cait Sith… you look so hot in real life (as Reeve). Wanna go out on a date with me?"

Cait Sith/Reeve: Only if my wife isn't around.

Allele: "I wanna know how Red XIII manages to keep his tail on fire all the time."

Red XIII: I usually soak my tail in diesel overnight then douse it with kerosene first thing in the morning. After that I cast a 'Flare' spell on it, but if I don't have enough MP then a 'Beta' or a 'Fire3' does the trick.

Allele: "For Vincent… are you really a vampire?"

Vincent: (exasperated sigh) No. Do I look that undead to you? And before you ask, I haven't drunk any kind of blood since… ever.

Cloud: But you might be half.

Vincent: (brings out Cerberus) You were saying?

Cloud: Nothing.

Allele: "To Sephiroth… why are you so obsessed with your mother?"

Sephiroth: You'd be obsessed with your mother too if you saw her swimming in a tube of chloroform. And she always talks to me in my head, so there.

Allele: "Barret, what the hell were you wearing in Advent Children!"

Barret: I was forced to wear it! The costume designer made me!

Allele: "I have a question for the author…" … who, me? "… are you a Mary Sue?"

Cloud: …

Sephiroth: …

Vincent: …

Allele: Well, I used to be, but I've stopped writing that story. I'm just gonna read the questions in this fic, that's all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some flamers to shoot… (grabs Cerberus from Vincent and runs like hell)