(Theme music plays.)
Holly: Good morning! Welcome to Holly and Artemis Network, home of cooperation between humans and fairies! (singing) HA Network! (talking) This morning, we will first hear from none other than Arty himself, as he—
Artemis: I told you to call me Artemis!
Holly: Fine. This morning, we'll hear from none other than Artemis himself, as he explains why fairies have hidden underground.
(Applause.)
Artemis: All right. Thank you. Now then. (clears throat) Centuries ago, fairies lived peacefully aboveground. They basked in the sunlight, they lived by the sea, they—and just what is this supposed to mean?
Holly: (whispering) Just be quiet and read it!
Artemis: (sighs) All right, all right. They basked in the sunlight, they lived by the sea, they 'frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Hanna Lee.' Only it wasn't called Hanna Lee. It was the Emerald Isle. These were the days of Frond, the first elfen king. 'It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.' Oh, these cue cards are ridiculous! (sound of note cards hitting the floor) I will tell what happened in my own words. The humans began taking land over, and there was a war. The fairies decided that we would kill them off with our wars, and went to live underground, concealing their presence from the humans for as long as possible. The end.
Holly: That's not what happened!
Artemis: What did happen then?
Holly: If you'd read the cue cards, you would know, now wouldn't you? Now, start over.
Artemis: I will not read those silly cue cards! They probably try to convince everyone that humans are criminals!
Holly: (snorts) Oh, look who's talking!
Artemis: What do you mean?
Holly: Oh, only the fact that you kidnapped me...you tried to kill me...you hurt me...you stole from us...you are a criminal!
Artemis: I was!
Holly: Were, are...what's the difference?
Artemis: Plenty.
Holly: Whatever.
Artemis: Let's just get on with the program.
Holly: Fine. Next up, a commercial.
Foaly: Hey Grub! Are you afraid of humans reading your mind?
Grub: No. I'm not afraid of anything. After all, I faced down that awful human, Butler.
Foaly: (whispering) You're supposed to say 'yes.'
Grub: Oh. Yes, I suppose.
Foaly: Why don't you try my new tinfoil hats? They're good because they will deflect any mind-probing rays. They—
Holly: HOLD IT! (silence for a minute) Thank you. Now then, this commercial was not supposed to be advertising tinfoil hats! Let's try it again.
Artemis: What did you say your name was? Grub? Well, Grub, I resent that remark about Butler.
Butler: So do I.
Artemis: What are you doing here?
Butler: I decided I should supervise the recording, and it sounds like it's a good thing I did. Now, you little no-ranker—
Grub: (trying to sound brave, but voice is trembling) You remember me, huh?
Butler: Yes. And I'd say I let you off entirely too easy before.
Grub: Uhhh...gotta go. Mommy! (running footsteps)
Holly: Okay. Commercial time's up. Let's go back to the show.
(Theme music plays)
Holly: All right, folks! It's back to the show! (sings) HA Network! (talking) Now we'll here from—(sounding surprised) Grub? I don't remember having him on here. Oh, well. Grub! Come over here!
Grub: (panting) No. I was supposed to tell my story now, but I don't think this is a good time.
Holly: Please?
Grub: Is Butler gone?
Artemis: Yes. He went back to the manor for a while.
Grub: Well, okay, then. (clears throat) My story: How I Defied the Human Butler. Written and narrated by Grub Kelp. It was a dark night...
Holly: Oh, no! Not this again! Grub, you're done. I changed my mind. Next, we have—
Grub: But I want to tell my story!
Trouble: Nope. Sorry.
Grub: Trubs! Why are you here? Oh well. Tell them to let me tell my story.
Trouble: No.
Grub: (whining) Why not?
Trouble: Because.
Grub: I'm telling Mommy! (footsteps)
Trouble: (calling after him) Be quiet!
(Footsteps fade.)
Holly: Well. Anyway, next, we have...(warningly) FOALY...
Foaly: What?
Holly: Did you put this on here?
Foaly: Ummm...yeah.
Holly: We're not doing it.
Foaly: (relieved) Okay. Sorry.
Holly: And one more thing, Foaly.
Foaly: What?
(We hear a thwack, as of someone punching someone.)
Foaly: Owww! Holly!
Holly: You knew perfectly well that I was going to do that when you put this on here.
Foaly: Well, you know, your sensitivity on the subject proves me right.
Holly: Foaly! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I DO IT AGAIN!
Foaly: Uhhh...okay. Bye. (we hear him going away)
Holly: Right. For our next item, we have Artemis, singing "The Fairy's Curse."
Artemis: WHAT? Why didn't you tell me? I will not sing.
Holly: (serenely) I heard your mother telling Juliet that you had a good voice. Obviously, I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this. This way, you have to sing.
Artemis: No I don't!
Holly: Yes you do!
Artemis: No I don't!
Holly: Yes you do!
Artemis: No, I DON'T!
Holly: YES, YOU DO!
Artemis: No, I don't!
Holly: You see this thing, Arty? It's called a gun. If I push this button, it will shoot a little thing that will knock you unconscious for a while, until I choose to revive you. And if you don't sing, I will push the button.
Artemis: Fine, fine, FINE! I will sing. But don't call me Arty!
Holly: If you insist. Ah one, ah two, ah one two three!
(Silence.)
Holly: Go!
(Silence.)
Holly: Uh, Artemis...
Artemis: What?
Holly: You're not singing!
Artemis: What was the song again?
(We hear loud, rhythmic bangs.)
Holly: (jerkily) You—hopeless—pathetic—loser—of a—Mud—Boy!
Artemis: If you want me to sing, you'd better stop banging your head on the wall and tell me what to sing.
(Banging stops.)
Holly: Okay. It's "The Fairy's Curse." Now sing.
(Silence.)
Holly: Hello! Artemis! Sing!
(Silence.)
Holly: ARTEMIS!
Artemis: What!
Holly: SING ALREADY!
Artemis: I don't know that song.
Holly: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!
(We hear two sets of running footsteps, and some sounds that sound like a gun. This continues on for a minute or two.)
Holly: (panting) Right. Sorry about the delay. Unfortunately, our singer has sustained a minor injury, and will not be singing. Now—
Foaly: What was the injury?
Holly: You're not supposed to be here!
Foaly: Tough luck. What was the injury?
Holly: (sighs) Being a know-it-all.
Artemis: (from a distance away) Holly! I told you to say it was a head injury!
Holly: Being a know-it-all is a head injury!
Artemis: But I didn't mean that kind of head injury!
Holly: You didn't specify.
Artemis: Besides, I'm not a know-it-all!
Holly: (snorts) Yeah, sure. Whatever. Anyway, now we have—(pause) Hmmm...Foaly?
Foaly: What?
Holly: Did you add anything else to this list when you put—um, you know, that thing on there?
Foaly: No. Why?
Holly: Because...because Opal Koboi's name is on there. She is, apparently, going to sing. I thought maybe you were doing it for a joke.
Foaly: No...
Holly: Great. She can't sing, she's insane!
Opal: Oh yes I can!
Holly: (flabbergasted) O-Opal! What are you doing here?
Opal: It says right there, doesn't it? I'm going to sing!
Holly: But—but you can't sing! At least, not on this show. This station is about cooperation between humans and fairies, and—well, let's just say you're not the best example of that.
Foaly: (stage whisper) Look who's talking.
Holly: Quiet, Foaly!
Opal: Too bad. I am going to sing.
Holly: No you're not!
Opal: Yes I am!
Holly: No you're not!
Opal: Yes I am!
Holly: NO, you're NOT!
Opal: YES, I AM!
Holly: Fine. Fine, fine. Sing. But hurry up about it.
Foaly: Just a minute. Opal?
Opal: What is it?
Foaly: Remember when I won that science medal at school?
Opal: YOU DARNED CENTAUR! I DESERVED THAT MEDAL AND YOU KNOW IT! THEY ONLY GAVE IT TO YOU BEAUSE YOU'RE A MALE!
Foaly: (sing-song) I won the science medal, nyah nyah nyah.
Opal: YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE ALL THE CREDIT FOR IT! YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT MY WINGS WERE MUCH BETTER THAN YOUR SILLY IRIS-CAM!
Foaly: (still singing) I won the science medal, I won the science medal, I won the—
Opal: THAT IRIS-CAM IS THE WORST INVENTION I EVER SAW! WHO NEEDS AN IRIS-CAM ANYWAY! NOT ANYBODY WHO'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, THAT'S FOR SURE! OH, BE QUIET, CENTAUR!
Foaly: (singing louder) I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE—
Opal: BE QUIET! OH WELL, WHO CARES ABOUT SOME SILLY SCIENCE MEDAL, ANYWAY! NOT ME! NOPE! YOU CAN'T BOTHER ME! DID YOU HEAR ME! I SAID BE QUIET!
Foaly: (singing at top of lungs now) I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE SCIENCE MEDAL, I WON THE—
Opal: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (runs off screaming. Foaly stops singing. Silence for a moment.)
Holly: Thanks, Foaly.
Foaly: No problem. It's easy and fun. You should try it sometime.
Holly: (thoughtfully) You're right. I should, shouldn't I?
Foaly: Yep. Okay...on with the show!
Artemis: Can I come out now?
Holly: Fine. I've lost my desire to have anyone sing.
Artemis: Good. (much nearer now) All right, what's next on the program?
Holly: Ummm...let's see...Foaly's invention show?
Foaly: Oh, good. I was wondering when that would come.
Holly: (flustered and confused) But—but I...but that wasn't supposed to be on here!
Foaly: Hey, it promotes my inventions, which is exactly what we need right now.
Holly: No it's not!
Foaly: Tough luck. It's on there, we're doing it.
Holly: You can't!
Foaly: Oh, can't I!
Holly: No, you can't!
Foaly: Watch me! (clears throat) Okay, everyone...welcome to Foaly's invention show! (sings) Foaly's inventions are the best, they are better than all the rest, pods and iris-cams, guns and things, so much better than Koboi's wings! Try them! Okay, so today we will look at— (is interrupted by Holly, who sighs loudly) Holly!
Holly: (innocently) What?
Foaly: I'm trying to run an invention show here!
Holly: Really? What a coincidence! I'm trying to ruin an invention show here!
Foaly: Come on, Holly. Let me get on with my show.
Holly: (snorts) Over my dead body.
Foaly: Unless you want me to take you literally, stop that!
Holly: You'd no more kill me than destroy one of your precious inventions!
Foaly: Oh really?
Holly: Yeah, really!
Foaly: (weakly) Nah-ah.
Holly: Uh-huh.
Foaly: Yeah, right.
Holly: Exactly, I am right!
Foaly: Ummm...okay, maybe you are. Still, though...I am trying to do a show.
Holly: Foaly!
Foaly: Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?
Holly: Fine, fine. But hurry up about it. We don't have all day, you know.
Foaly: Actually, we do. Julius gave us both the day off, remember?
Holly: THAT'S NOT THE POINT! NOW DO THE SHOW OR DON'T DO IT, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DO IT NOW!
Foaly: Fine! Gee! Okay. Anyway, today we will be studying the iris-cam. This baby is the invention that won me the science medal, and boy, am I proud of it! It—
Opal: (we hear her running. Her voice gets closer and closer) DONKEY! YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THAT SCIENCE MEDAL! DO YOU HEAR ME! THAT SILLY IRIS-CAM CAN'T DO ANYTHING USEFUL!
Foaly: (serenely) I beg to differ. It has many filters, including thermal, x-ray, and others, which make it very useful for LEP work. In addition—
Opal: SO WHAT! IT'S NOT STILL NOT USEFUL!
Foaly: (still calm) Au contraire. It is also very useful for giving an enemy a shock in the eye. Or if that fails, at least for playing a bit of a practical joke.
Opal: (stops screaming) Hmmm...I've changed my mind. That lovely thing is a state-of-the-art invention. Can I have one?
Foaly: No. (to audience) The iris-cam comes in any color—
Opal: Why not?
Foaly: A few reasons. One, you bugged me about winning the science medal. Two, it's not fair to change your mind like that. Three, it's an LEP-secure invention.
Opal: So?
Foaly: So, no one outside the LEP may have one without specific permission from the Council, and even then, they are checked up on every week or so to make sure they're not using it improperly.
Opal: Then why are you advertising it?
Foaly: (calmly still) To drive people crazy and generally rub it in that they can't have it.
Opal: But—but this sounds like my kind of invention!
Foaly: Sorry. Make your own if you want one. You should be able to do that.
Opal: Oh, come on! Pleeeeeease?
Foaly: Nope. Sorry.
Opal: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (runs off again, sputtering with fury) That—donkey—invention—I want—can't have—advertising—(her voice fades as she leaves)—why can't I—LEP-secure—silly—aaaaaargh!
Foaly: There. Now then...as I was saying, the iris-cam comes in any color, and will match to any eye color, including purple and black. That's all for today, on Foaly's Invention Show!
(Uncertain applause.)
Holly: Now then...next up is...what under earth...? Commander!
Root: What?
Holly: Ummm...what is this?
Root: It's Commander Root's Tips on Being an LEP Officer, #1. These tips are scattered throughout your show.
Holly: Aaaaaugh! I give up! Go ahead and do your tip, but just hurry up so we can get back to the original program I wrote!
Root: Will do. (clears throat) Ahem...Commander Root's Tips on Being an LEP Officer, #1: Listen to your commander. He's always right.
Holly: What...?
Root: Thank you. Stay tuned a little later for more of Commander Root's Tips on Being an LEP Officer.
Holly: (sighs exasperatedly) Thank you. Now, we have...(sarcastically) Oh, my goodness! It's actually something I put on the program! Artemis?
Artemis: Hmmm?
Holly: Stop playing with those wings and get your hindquarters over here! You need to sing!
Artemis: I thought we agreed that I wouldn't sing!
Holly: Ummm...oh yeah. Hey, wait a minute! Oh darn!
Artemis: What?
Holly: I was looking at the wrong page. Okay, let's try that again. The next thing is...oh, that's it! I'm about ready to quit!
Artemis: YESSSS!
Holly: Oh no you don't! Get back here! I didn't say I was ready to quit, just about ready to quit!
Artemis: (we can tell he's embarrassed by the tone of his voice) Oh...er...right.
Holly: Now then...Chix! Chix Verbil!
Chix: Huh?
Holly: You are not, I repeat, NOT, doing a show called "Chix Verbil's Guide to Catching Tough Girls." That's ridiculous!
Chix: Why not?
Holly: Because of what I said before! That is just plainly and simply ridiculous!
Chix: But—but that's what I'm good at!
Holly: Sorry. Now go away.
Chix: Oh, come on!
Holly: NO! NOW SCAT BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT YOUR WINGS!
Chix: Uhhh...oh, fine. (we hear him start to go away, then stop suddenly) Holly?
Holly: (warningly) What?
Chix: (sounds as though he's pouting) Please? Pretty please?
Foaly: She doesn't want to. Now go away.
Chix: Hey! This is none of your business, donkey!
Foaly: (deadly calm) That was a big mistake, Verbil. No one calls me donkey.
Holly: The commander does!
Foaly: Fine. No one but the commander, then!
Holly: And Opal!
Foaly: Whatever! No one but the commander and Opal!
Holly: And—
Foaly: Okay, okay! Anyway, Private, the point is that you shouldn't have done that. (Pause for a minute)
Holly: Foaly! Put down that Neutrino!
Foaly: Why?
Holly: Because! Come on, I need cooperation here!
Foaly: No! Muahaha! Now, Private Verbil, I have you in my clutches! Hahaha!
Chix: AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
(We hear two sets of footsteps. Apparently Foaly is chasing Chix.)
Holly: Phew. That got rid of two annoying people.
Foaly: (we hear, but only faintly) Don't think I didn't hear that!
Holly: Whatever.
Root: Now it's time for another of Commander Root's Tips on Being an LEP Officer!
Holly: No it's not!
Root: Yes it is! I make periodical interruptions of whatever's going on every five minutes, and the time increments lessen each time so that by the time I get to my last few tips, the bits in between are only two seconds!
Holly: (mutters) I didn't think you knew that many big words.
Root: (warningly) CAPTAIN...
Holly: Look, Commander, you're not doing another one of those tips!
Root: Yes I am!
Holly: No you're not!
Root: Yes I am!
Holly: No you're not!
Root: Yes, I AM!
Holly: NO, YOU'RE NOT!
Root: YES, I AM!
Holly: AAARGH! Fine, I GIVE UP! Do it! But HURRY!
Root: Okay. Here's another of Commander Root's Tips on Being an LEP Officer. Tip #2: If you have any problems or questions, ask your commander, who's always right.
Holly: Ergh. Okay. Now go away, please, Commander. We have a show to do here.
Root: Well, that's a nice way to treat me.
Holly: Too bad. I'm past being nice now. Go.
Root: Oh, fine. Whatever.
Holly: Thank goodness. Now then, I need a break, before the commander comes ba—
Root: Okay! It's time for one more of Commander Root's Tips on Being an LEP Officer!
Holly: Oh, no! Not yet, it isn't!
Root: Is too!
Holly: Is not!
Root: Is too!
Holly: Is not!
Root: Is too!
Holly: Is not!
Root: Is TOO!
Holly: Is NOT!
Root: IS TOO!
Holly: IS NOT!
Root: IS TOO!
Holly: IS NOT!
Root: IS T—oh, this is ridiculous!
Holly: Yeah!
Artemis: (dryly) That's the first thing you two have agreed on in a while.
Root: Look who's talking! The last time you and she agreed on anything was two centuries ago!
Artemis: I wasn't alive two centuries ago!
Root: Exactly!
Artemis: That's not true!
Root: Oh, really? And why not?
Artemis: Because I li—(seems to catch himself) Ummm...I mean, because...(weakly) we agree on lots of things...sort of.
Root: (snorts) Yeah, sure. Like what?
Artemis: Like...um...er...I don't know.
Root: (suddenly) Captain Short! Get back here!
(There are the sounds of a scuffle, and Holly yells.)
Holly: Ow! Commander!
Root: (smugly) It serves you right for thinking you could slip away while no one was lookING!
(We hear a dull thud.)
Root: OUCH! Captain!
Holly: You hit me before!
Root: But that is no cause to push me over!
Holly: (as smugly as Root was before) It serves you right for hitting me!
Root: I—you—aaargh! (he sputters incoherently for a minute, then sighs) Captain.
Holly: What?
Root: I am doing that tip.
Holly: Fine.
Root: (amazed) 'Fine?' Just 'fine?' A minute ago you would have said 'no way!'
Holly: Are you complaining?
Root: No...I just...
Holly: Look. The only reason I'm letting you do this is because I'm too exhausted to argue with you any more right now.
Root: All right. (clears throat) Ahem. Okay. Ummm...oh yeah. Im Auftrag! Hier ist mehr der Kommandantwurzelspitze auf seinem eine Auflistung des gültigen Seiten Offiziers! Schärft Nr. drei: Wenn Sie mehr Punkte wünschen, fragen Sie Ihren Kommandanten. Das, das immer rechte ist.
Holly: Ummm...Commander...
Root: What?
Holly: Number one, you're speaking German.
Root: Oops. Ummm...let's try that again.
Holly: Number two, I think your gift of tongues is just a little messed up. Do you know what you just said?
Root: Um...no.
Holly: (trying not to laugh. Occasional snorts of laughter escape her throughout this anyway) You said—(snort)—' In the order! Here more is the commander root p-point on its a (hee hee) listing--valid (ha ha)--sides of the (giggles) officer! Number (snicker) sharpens three: If you wish more points, ask your c-commander. That, which is always right. WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Root: Um, oops?
(There is a long silence, broken only by Holly laughing really hard.)
Holly: (once she finally calms down) Don't you get it?
Root: No.
Holly: Okay, I'll try to say it without laughing so hard I can't talk. You said 'In the order! Here more is the commander root point on its a listing valid sides of the officer! Number sharpens three: If you wish more points, ask your commander. That, which is always right.
Root: Oh. And I was speaking what? Spanish?
Holly: No, German.
Root: Oh. Um. Let's try that again. I will try to speak English for everyone else out there who would like to understand the tips.
Holly: (muttering) Not that anyone would anyway.
Root: (warningly) What was that?
Holly: (sighs) Nothing, go ahead.
Root: Okay. Now then...Attention! Here is one more of Commander Root's Tips for Being an LEP Officer. Tip number three: If you want more tips, ask your commander. The one who is always right.
Holly: O.K. Gut. Danke. Jetzt wo waren wir? Oh ja, mir einen Bruch erhalten.
Root: Um, Holly?
Holly: Huh?
Root: You were speaking German yourself. And you mixed up your last sentence. I assume you werre trying to say something along the lines of 'okay. Good. Thank you. Now where were we? Oh yeah, giving me a break.' But instead you said 'O.k. Well thanks. Now where were we? Oh, me a break receive.'
Holly: Oh. Whoops. You were right about what I was going to say, though.
Root: Okay. Now then...you know, I just realized, it's ten o'clock at night. We should probably be done.
Holly: But—but I just want a break, not to be done!
Root: But it's 10:00!
Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (we hear her chasing Root and shooting with Neutrino)
Artemis: YESSS!
Holly: ARTEMIS! (we hear her stop and then start running too. Now we hear three pairs of running footsteps, but one quickly fades.)
Artemis: Hey! Where did the commander go?
Holly: Nice try! I won't let you get away with that excuse!
Artemis: But he's gone! And you were chasing him!
Holly: Oh well! Now I'm chasing you!
Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
(Their footsteps and the sounds of shooting slowly fade. Then we hear another two pairs of footsteps coming on.)
Foaly: (panting) There. Now that's—done. Whew!
Opal: (coming on) Pretty please, Foaly?
Foaly: Pretty please what?
Opal: Pretty please can I have an iris-cam? I have lovely brown eyes.
Foaly: NO!
Opal: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (we hear her run away)
Foaly: There. Now I'm the only one left. Ah, bliss.
(We hear Holly and Artemis run past, still yelling. Holly is still shooting.)
Holly: MUD BOY! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SO UNGRATEFUL!
Artemis: OH, DON'T I!
Holly: NO, YOU DON'T! (particularly loud shot)
Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
(Their footsteps fade.)
(During all this we have been hearing crashes, bangs, and other noises that suggest that the studio is being torn apart. Soon Holly comes in panting.)
Holly: There! Phew!
Owner of studio: (coming in) Okay, everybody, time's u—(gasps) What—WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY STUDIO!
Holly: Ummm...nothing?
Owner: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (we hear her go off chasing Holly. We continue hearing awful noises and gunshots.)
Foaly: HA Network. Home of cooperation between humans and fairies, my hoof. Home of antagonism, Neutrinos, and general chaos, more like.
Holly: (we hear her come in panting. As she says this next line, her voice is going faint and loud, and faint and loud again, as though the mike is swinging violently from the ceiling.) Okay. That—(goes into coughing fit. When it calms, she takes a deep breath.) Phew! Okay...as I was saying...That's all for today, on HA Network. (sings) HA Network! (talking again) HA Network, home of cooperation between humans and fairies.
(We hear rhythmic banging.)
Holly: Foaly? What? What did I say?