Title: Is It Enough?

Author: JadeHeart Gravitation
Warnings: angst
Author's Notes: Another little thought I had.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'.

Chapter 1: Is It Enough To Love?

Shuichi watched the rain drops slide down the window of the bus, the lights outside sending streaks of brightness to cut through the night as they passed by.

He was tired. This was the last leg of a three month tour, one of the longest they had done. He glanced around at the other occupants in the silent vehicle. Hiro was sprawled across two seats, long legs hanging over the arm into the aisle, seats leant back to give him more room to relax. His long red hair was a tangled mass around his head, forming a devilish-looking halo in the muted lighting, and highlighting the finely chiseled features.

A little behind, Suguru also slept, curled up tight against the window, using the side of the bus as support. His seat also reclined back and he had purloined a number of cushions and wedged them against the vehicle, both to provide comfort and keep the chill of the metal at a distance. His short hair curled around his sleeping features.

Where Hiro looked like a slumbering devil, Suguru was a sleeping cherub in comparison, his angelic innocence alluring. Perhaps that could be used on stage, Shuichi mused, watching his sleeping band-mates. Could they work a costume theme here in line with one of their new songs? He could just imagine how wild their fans would be to see Hiro and Suguru cos-playing those roles!

Further to the front, he could see Sakano's head nodding in time with the motion of the bus. He had remained sitting upright to sleep, refusing to lose his decorum by sprawling across the seats as the others had done. He would rather be uncomfortable than lose his dignity! How the man managed to get any sleep in that position quite simply amazed Shuichi.

Turning his head further Shuichi could see, right towards the back of the vehicle, two long legs on the floor. K had thrown his dignity, decorum and pride completely away and lay sleeping in the aisle. Due to his taller stature he had found the prospect of sleeping in the seats an impossible task and had informed them that he intended to at least be as comfortable as possible if he was going to get any rest at all. A blanket was draped over his legs and a cushion supported his head, his long blond hair flowing freely over the pillow, finally released from its usual ponytail. Even his blond Caucasian looks couldn't make you mistake him for an angel – not when one hand clasped his trusty .44 Magnum across his chest like a child would clutch a teddy bear.

Shuichi sighed. The downside to K's position was that it posed more than an obstacle to anyone seeking the bathroom positioned at the far back of the bus. You did not want to wake K up suddenly. It generally resulted in mayhem and chaos all round!

He turned back to his window, shifting in his seat to get a little more comfortable. He was tired, very tired – but he couldn't sleep. He propped his chin on his hand, nose almost touching the chill glass.

He was nearly home. Home, he thought. Was it really home for him? Could he really call it that? It was, in truth, Yuki's home. Shuichi paid no rent, no part of the bills. Yuki had made it quite clear at the start that it was his place and he would be the only one responsible for it. That was typical Yuki.

However, Shuichi and Bad Luck had rocketed to stardom, and that light wasn't fading any time soon judging by the continuing sales and demand for their presence. Shuichi and the others were quite well off now, you could almost say, wealthy. The amount of money they were earning could easily go to their heads. The number of zeros attached to their pay cheques were more than most people would see in a life time.

It had actually been Yuki's steadying presence that had kept him grounded when the money had begun to roll in. It was the older man's careful perspective that made him realize that he had to make his money work for him, and learn to manage it well. Yes, it was lovely to have. It was certainly a novelty for them when they had first begun. From being poor students, working part-time jobs to try and save towards the next luxury they wanted, to mega-stars with enough money to no longer even have to think of asking if they could afford that wanted item. It was a heady experience.

However, in this industry you could be on top one day, and scraping the bottom of the barrel the next. The public was a fickle mistress and could walk away any time she chose to do so, leaving you with nothing. Just because he had money now, didn't mean that would always be the case. So, yes, it was great to have now – but he had to make plans to ensure that he would still have a future as well, no matter what happened.

He hadn't come to this decision immediately. He had gone through the phase of being delighted with the cash flow they were generating. He had gone out and splurged, showered his family with gifts, lived it up, indulged in buying the most expensive watch he could find that would suit Yuki's taste for his birthday, and then an expensive set of sapphire-set cuff-links for Xmas. So, yes, he had lived it up for a time, but then he realized that he really didn't need much else.

It had been a sudden realization that had pulled him up short and he had had to sit and think seriously about it for a few days for the full import of it to really sink in. He was happy where he was living with Yuki, who hadn't given any indication that he intended moving, or trying to 'up-market' their accommodation. They didn't live in the most exclusive area, but it also wasn't the slums. He liked where they lived.

Food wasn't any particular expense for them either. Yuki cooked for them most times, Shuichi's efforts still being quite a disaster despite his sporadic attempts which usually resulted in them being forced to order take-away. Every so often they would indulge in an expensive luxury like fatty tuna, or go to a fancy restaurant, but most of the time their food was the same as any other average citizen.

Shuichi didn't drive so he didn't have the expense of a car. Learning to drive was just something that he hadn't bothered getting around to yet, and now he found that he was driven most places by other people there wasn't any pressing need for him to get his license. He probably would one day he supposed, but it was far down on the list of priorities at this point. Eiri was quite happy with his own vehicle, and was more than able to afford to replace his own.

Yuki's apartment may have looked spartan, but it stocked everything that could be needed. The coffee machine was the top of the line which was Yuki's main indulgence, and Shuichi's big addition to the premises had been the most up-to-date video game machines which he had even managed to cajole Yuki into playing with him on more than one occasion. Everything that either of them could want in the way of fixtures and fittings was present – and, Shuichi finally realized, once you have it, you don't need anything else.

So apart from the odd item here and there that he might want to upgrade or purchase new, he didn't really have anything to spend his amassing fortune. He liked to know that he could use the money to go on holidays, but generally his schedule was so busy with the band that it was rare for him to have any long length of time free to be able to enjoy the luxury of going away somewhere nice and extravagant. He had sent his family away on a couple of trips but he had been unable to accompany them, and Yuki's schedule was nearly as bad as his. So, it wasn't like he could waste his money on travel either.

So after a couple of days of pondering this, he came to the realization that all that was happening was that his money was just sitting there doing nothing. Not being used, but not being very effective either. That was when he decided to take note of what people with money actually did with it.

He had quizzed Eiri on how he managed his money as he had been earning substantial sums for more years than Shuichi had. Yuki had seemed happy enough, though happy probably wasn't the right word, more like indifferent to why Shuichi was asking in the first place, to explain to him the different ways money could be invested, what was considered good or bad at the moment, what were long and short term options and returns. Shuichi learnt that Yuki managed most of his money himself, keeping a close eye on things, but also employed a financial manager to handle the largest portion.

Shuichi listened closely to Yuki speak of how to invest so the money provided a steady income over time that he could access on a regular basis if need be. His greatest nightmare was that one day he would lose his voice. It was his livelihood - without it, he was nothing. He wanted to know, to have that reassurance, that he could still live comfortably, not being a burden to anyone, if such a horrific thing should ever happen. That gave him some peace of mind.

He had paid close attention to everything Yuki told him, as well as seeking other advice from those that knew. Armed with that knowledge, he had now set himself up wisely for the future and any eventualities that may occur. He knew both Hiro and Suguru had done the same. They may all be young – but they weren't completely stupid.

The rain continued to fall outside. He could hear the swishing sound as the tires ran through the water pooling on the road.

However, despite him well and truly being able to support himself, Eiri still refused to allow him to put anything towards their home. Shuichi still couldn't help feeling that since he wasn't contributing anything then it wasn't really his home as well. It still felt at times as though he were just a guest, there at Yuki's sufferance only.

He sighed softly. He wondered what his reception would be when he got back. He cringed at the memory. He and Yuki had had a huge fight just as he was leaving on this trip. He couldn't even remember what it had been about now. At the time it had been really important, or so he had thought. Now, after three months, he could barely recall the reason for the argument, but could clearly remember the hateful words they had spat at each other before he stormed out the door in tears and had heard the door slam violently behind him with some help, probably, from a kick by Yuki.

He chewed his lip absently, staring into the darkness. Sometimes he wondered why he still stayed with Yuki. It's not like they had ever had a 'normal' relationship. It's not like it had started off blissfully and gone sour later. It had always been this way, right from the beginning. Harsh words, fights, arguments that seemed to be over everything, and nothing. That was how it had always been. There were few soft moments, the loving moments that should be between partners. He would probably be able to count the number of times that had occurred on two hands and still have fingers to spare. That sort of thing just wasn't part of their relationship. It's not that those moments weren't there. It was just that they were very, very rare.

He sighed softly, feeling tears prick his eyes. He so wanted things to be right with Yuki. He hated fighting with him; he hated feeling like a pendulum, swinging from the giddy heights of exaltation, to the deep depths of depression. What he wouldn't give to know that he could always wake up to Yuki's face and know he would receive of warm smile of greeting. Generally though he would get a pillow whapped over his face if he was too noisy – that is if he hadn't been kicked out of the bed again!

Another sigh. He knew he loved Yuki, that hadn't changed. But was it enough?

From that first time he had seen Yuki he had felt… something. He didn't think it had been love. In fact, now looking back, he was sure it wasn't. The feelings had been more surprise; shock this stranger was reading his lyrics, a breathtaking moment when he had stepped into the light and Shuichi had seen how beautiful the man was. Then the crushing heartbreak at those cold, cutting words of disparagement for his work echoed in his ears.

So, no, it wasn't love at that time. It was the anger, the feeling of self-righteousness, the need to receive justification from that person that had kept Yuki's presence on his mind. Back then he had wondered if he had dreamed up the whole thing. It had all been so surreal – a beautiful stranger met by chance in the park, in the dark of night. It was so clichéd it was laughable. But it hadn't been a dream - it had all been real.

It was whilst he found himself asking Yuki to come to the concert that he began to have an inkling of his feelings, but it wasn't until Yuki had stood there, watching him, the crowd disappearing into nothingness so it seemed it was just the two of them, that it had begun to crystallize.

Then the moment when he had truly realized he was falling in love with Yuki was with that first kiss. It had been electrifying, touching every nerve in his body, making him tremble and cling to the man pressed against him. His heart had been pounding so hard he had thought it would burst from his chest, spraying blood spectacularly across the two of them. That completely gross image had been enough to bring his racing mind back to earth. That and the way Yuki had then brushed the incident and himself aside.

Even though Yuki had still expressed no desire to be with him, Shuichi knew then that he loved him. That feeling simply kept growing stronger and stronger as he realized he wanted Yuki to be happy. More than anything he wanted to help him, be there for him, his own happiness and wants just weren't important anymore. Even his love for his music and the future of Bad Luck took a backseat to his concern for Yuki's well-being. That was when he knew he really and truly did love him.

When Yuki had left him - and how many times had that occurred? - he had been devastated. He had thought he would break each time. It always felt like his heart had been ripped out, that he couldn't breathe. It was as though all the oxygen had been stolen from the air around him, starving him, suffocating him. The pain had been so extreme, so intense and was something he had never, ever felt before. He had tried to be strong at those times; for himself, for others, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't help but crumble under the onslaught of his own emotions. That was also when he realized just how much he loved Yuki. He had been completely and utterly lost from the very start.

Yes, he loved Yuki, loved him still from the bottom of his heart and soul. But was it enough?