Chapter title: Losing Everything
Summary: My interpretation of what happened that led Addison to cheat on Derek.
Publish date: March 22, 2006
Disclaimer: I would be a happy, happy person if I owned Grey's Anatomy, but alas, I don't.
Note: My first Grey's Anatomy story, enjoy!

Our marriage had been rocky for about a year. Derek was the most amazing surgeon we had at our hospital and because he loved his job so much, he would always go in, even if he wasn't on call. He did that on our ten year anniversary, and I'd be lying if I said I was okay with it. It hurt. To me, it said he couldn't even put away a couple of hours to celebrate ten years of marriage with his wife. I think that might have actually been the night when I first realized we were drifting. We didn't talk much anymore – we really didn't have the time. Derek left for the hospital before I did and he didn't want to be unprofessional and talk about home problems at work. He would always say "what happens at home stays at home, we don't bring our problems to work with us." So I agreed. And I was busy myself – the neo-natal care was in a different part of the hospital and we'd really have to work at it to bump into each other.

When we were first married, we'd have lunch together every day. Over the years that changed, partially because of our shifts, but partially because we didn't make the effort. Well, I felt I was making plenty of effort, and it always seemed it was one-sided. I didn't know where I went wrong, where we went wrong. These days we'd be lucky to even see each other during the day, much less sit down and eat. Dinners were awkward now because I felt like we didn't have anything to talk about anymore. There's only so much you can say about work, and because it was such a huge chunk of our lives, we tried not to bring work home with us. And recently our conversation dwindled to comments about the food, the weather, or a TV show we manage to catch before going to bed. Sex isn't the same anymore. It isn't passionate or fulfilling, it's just something we do because we're married, like we have to adhere to some unwritten code.

I love Derek with all my heart and it pains me that we've been drifting apart. I've tried to bring it up with him, but I don't know how. Whatever I want to say sounds selfish. And if he hasn't noticed anything, maybe it's all just in my head. But I know it isn't. Things are just different with us. I want to go back to our first years of marriage, when we were happy and compatible, when we could talk about anything under the sun, talk through the night. What had brought us together at first was our love of medicine, and through that we found out we had a lot in common. Or we did back then. I miss what we were. I kept thinking, maybe something big needs to happen, something to bring us back together, to strengthen our bonds.

Derek's best friend Mark worked close by and would always come by to have lunch with one of us. Recently, we've been spending more time together. He listened to me, really listened. Together we would come up with ways to work out my marriage problems. It was usually just talk, but it helped that he was always there for me. He became a close friend and confidante, and I valued his friendship.

And one day, my world was shattered. My parents were going home from a benefit of some sort when their car hit a patch of ice and went off the road, rolling down a hill and crashing into a cluster of trees. They weren't found until the morning, and I didn't get the call until lunch. Mark was with me – he would always walk me back to my station after lunch. I fell to the floor and started to hyperventilate. The truth hadn't hit me yet, and I wasn't able to breathe very well. Mark took me to the on-call room and got me settled on a bed, then went to find Derek. Derek came back in record time. He crawled on the bed with me, wrapped his arms around me, and I cried until I thought my head would explode. The whole time, he held me close and rocked me, whispering comforting words in my hair or my ear, and just letting me cry. The selfish part of me thought "I wish this wasn't what it took, but maybe it will help our marriage." When I had cried all my tears, we sat there in silence, wrapped in each other's embrace. I didn't want to move – it just felt so right. Finally, Derek helped me up and we left. Mark was still there - he had been hanging out outside the door – and followed us home. Derek got me settled on the couch with some tea and a box of Kleenex. He sat next to me and took my hands.

"Addison, I have to go back to the hospital. There's been an important surgery that's been scheduled for three months, and the family has traveled here from Oklahoma for it. I have to do this, I'm the only one qualified. I'm so sorry, but I have to go. Call the desk if you need anything, and if it's an emergency, page me. I'll be back as soon as I can."

I felt like a little piece of my heart was ripped out. I understood this patient needed him, but damn it, I needed him too! But I guess I'd come to accept that work usually comes first for my husband, so I blinked back the tears, forced a smile, and nodded. "I'll see you later," I said, and he kissed me before he left. Mark took him back to the hospital. When they were gone, I lay down on the couch and wrapped myself in a blanket and cried. My parents, my best friends, were gone. They were my number one supporters, the ones who could get me through any problem, the ones who I could go to for advice, who always said the right thing. They were also the ones who would never see or meet their grandchildren. The shock that they were gone, that I'd never see them again, was almost too much to bear. I don't know how long I cried – but it was dark when I finally sat up and wiped my eyes. Every time I'd start to wind down the tears, I'd remember why I was crying, and a new wave of sadness would wash over me, sending me into tears once again. Around seven, I heard the door open. I didn't think Derek's surgery was finished yet, and I was right. It was Mark. Derek must have given him a key and told him to check on me.

He'd brought Chinese, and we ate together in silence. Me on the couch, him in the chair next to me. I wasn't hungry, but I knew I had to eat. When I had as much as I could, I brought my legs to my chest and rested my head in my hand. For a minute everything in the room went away and I remembered that my parents were gone, and I started to cry again. Mark set down his food and transferred himself to the couch. He embraced me and I just let go in his arms. He felt different than Derek, but he was just as strong and solid; he made me feel safe. I must have fallen asleep in his arms, and really knocked out, because when I woke up I was in my own bed, and Derek was just getting into it. I pretended to be asleep; I wasn't in the mood to talk. He slipped under the covers, rolled onto his stomach, and draped his arm around my waist – his usual falling asleep position. Except tonight, I think he was holding me a little tighter.

I was taking time off until after the funeral, and I guess I half expected Derek to do so as well, but when I woke up the next morning he had already left, no note or anything. So I went about, starting to make funeral arrangements. It was hard, partially because I had to plan for both my parents at the same time, but also because I'm an only child, and I didn't have any help. Early in the afternoon, that changed. Mark called and asked if he could help with anything, and because I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, I accepted. Over the next two days he was the one who went with me to pick out caskets and flower arrangements, the one who sat with me at the kitchen table looking for perfect Bible verses and hymns. Ironically, it was Mark who was taking time off of work to be with me, not my husband. Mark did run his own practice, so he had the luxury of deciding when he was going to take his sick days, but it still odd that he was the one staying with me and not Derek.

The funeral was nice, and I managed to hold myself together through all of it. I even said a few things about my parents. I didn't want to stay and mingle or meet and greet all my parents' friends, nor did I want to hear all the "I'm sorries," but I had to. After people had left, a small group of us went to the burial site. That was the hardest thing I'd ever experienced. Seeing the caskets being lowered into the ground was so final; no amount of wishing could change anything once they were in the ground and covered with dirt. Mark went home with us – to keep Derek company, I had assumed. But once again, Derek had to go to back to work.

"I don't understand why you can't just take the rest of the day off and stay with me!" I asked, starting to cry for the first time that day.

"Addison, I need to get back. My patients need me."

"I need you! I'm the one who's lost someone – two someones! I'm the one who needs you!" I could barely get the words out, and I could barely see him through my tears.

"I'll be back tonight. You can need me then," he said softly, kissing my forehead. He left me in the bedroom then, and I could hear him and Mark talking about something before he left. Several minutes later Mark came in with some soup. He sat on the bed while I ate. I didn't taste anything and the whole time I was crying. When he saw I couldn't finish it, he took it into the bathroom and set it on our counter. He climbed into bed with me – on top of the covers – and lay down on his side. He moved the hair out of my face and brushed away the tears from my eyes. He stroked my cheek until I had calmed down a bit, and as if on impulse, he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. It was the sweetest kiss I'd had in a long time, and I craved the feeling it gave me. I wanted more. So we kissed again. It was nice to feel loved and caressed, to be touched tenderly. I don't know when the last time it was when I felt this way when Derek touched me or kissed me. Making love had turned to sex when we started drifting apart.

I don't know if it was because I was particularly needy and compulsive that night, or if Mark was taking advantage of me because of my emotional state, but one thing led to another and we made love. It was exhilarating and fresh and for once I felt like I meant something to someone, that I was valued. Until Derek came home.

He threw open the door and turned on the lights. I realized then what a huge mistake I had made. I had never seen Derek so angry. He threw Mark's clothes at him and gave him two seconds to change before practically hauling him out the door while I got dressed. When Derek came back into the bedroom, he just looked at me, like I had failed him. Well, I had. I had committed a crime to our marriage. I couldn't even begin to think of how I could repair it.

It took me a few seconds to realize Derek was packing his bags.

"What are you doing?" I asked, the whole time following him around the room as he packed.

"Leaving you."

"Why? Why can't we work this out?"

"Why would I want to? You cheated on me, Addison. In my bed with my best friend! How long has this been going on? Is this why Mark has been so anxious to check on you the past few days?"

"What? No! Derek, I thought you had sent him over here those times. It was nothing, I swear!"

"Oh, that's exactly what someone wants to hear. Mark meant nothing? Then what about me? Have I always meant nothing?"

"No!"

"Right."

"Derek, please, let's work this out. We can work this out."

"I don't know if I want to, Addison. Once a cheater, always a cheater."

"Please, just give yourself a few days to cool down. Then we can meet up and talk about it and figure out what to do."

"I've already figured out what to do. I'm going to leave you. You'll stay here in New York and you can bang Mr. Asshole Mark as much as you want. I'm going to Seattle. I know several surgeons at a hospital there and I'm sure they'll be quick to hire a doctor of my caliber. What won't be happening? You won't follow me. I don't want you to contact me Addison. You made a mistake, and it cost us our marriage."

"What? Our marriage has been going downhill for a year."

"Our marriage went downhill the second you and Mark started taking off your clothes. I'm sorry Addison, I just don't trust you anymore."

"You never listen to me! Mark listened to me. If you hadn't run off to the hospital the past couple of days, this wouldn't have happened!"

"Don't you dare blame me for this. You were the one who decided to have sex."

"You were the one who decided that the hospital was more important than your grieving wife. I lost my parents. And you run off to work like it was my pet fish that died. Derek, I made a mistake. A big one. And you don't have to forgive me right away, I understand."

"You're right, I won't forgive you right away. I won't forgive you at all."

"Please, Derek. We can't just throw ten years of marriage away."

"You threw it away when you made the decision to sleep with my best friend. That is unforgivable."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I was so upset, I wasn't thinking. I needed somebody – I needed you, and you weren't around. I didn't mean for it to happen, honest." By this time he had finished packing and was heading for the door. "Derek, please stop." He fumbled with his key ring and threw the apartment keys at me. I caught them and dropped them to the floor. I ran after my husband in my bare feet and pajamas, down the stairs and outside. He was trying to hail a cab. "Derek, please stop, please talk to me. We can work this out. I want to work this out, I want you to stay, please." He wasn't looking at me. I grabbed his arm as a cab pulled up, but he shook me off.

"Give it up, Addison. It's over. I don't want to stay, I don't want to see you. Go away and leave me the hell alone." He got in the backseat with all of his bags and slammed the door closed. As the cab drove away I screamed his name. I didn't care that I was making a scene, that people were stopping to stare. When the cab turned a corner I gave up. I knew it was really over. Shakily, I went back inside my building and up to my apartment. Once inside, I felt so empty. In three days I had lost the people in my life that I cared about the most. I felt like nothing mattered anymore. In a fit of rage and pain, I threw a lamp across the living room. It hit the floor and broke. It felt good to throw something, so I picked up books and picture frames and threw those as well. I was brought to a stop when one of the pictures I picked up was from our wedding. I took the picture out of the frame and held it to my face. I closed my eyes and wished as hard as I could that Derek would come back. I sank to the couch and stared at the picture and after a few moments everything hit me at once. My parents were gone, Derek was gone, my marriage was over. I curled up into a ball and cried myself to sleep.

I had made a mistake. A big one, but a mistake. And I paid for it with my marriage.