Author's note:
I wrote this a long time ago, but didn't post it. It's a short Luby, and hopefully worth the read.
Rating:
T
Summary:
Luka and Abby during season 12.
Disclaimer:
Nope, not mine.

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'Loving her'

I'm laying in our bed, or officialy Luka's bed, but since we're practically living together and considering the fact that we sleep on this thing every night, I think I'm free to call it 'ours.' I haven't slept in my own apartment for two months.
In the first place that was just because I was too afraid to sleep there alone, pregnant. I couldn't fall asleep, fearing that... something would go wrong, fearing that I would do something weird in my sleep. It doesn't make sense, but what if I would have lost it there, or what if I will lose the baby.
I can't, it would break me down, hurt me, I'd feel guilty. This little thing counts on me, needs me, and I can't let this baby down.
And I won't.

It's crazy how soon you get attached to something what is practically nothing more but a little peanut.
And scary too. Love never really brought me good things. Short periods of happiness was with what it started, but it always managed to end in misery, anger and pain. I've always been the strong one, and I still am. I don't show off my emotions or love easily, I never learned that and I never wanted that. But nothing can stop me from loving my child, and that's something new.

I still can't believe that I'm pregnant. That I am pregnant, that I am going to have a baby. A kid, a child, forever. My son or daughter. Just to think about it is weird enough. But I'll face it, it will happen to me, it is happening to me. And now that there's actually a belly forming, I know that everything is going as it should go.
After three months of nausea, headaches and achy backpain, my body seems to be under control, and I seem, since a very long time, to be under control.

A soft sound of jazz music is coming from the livingroom. I glance at the clock, 0:30 AM. Luka just came back from his shift, he called earlier today that he wouldn't make it before ten, so I decided to go to bed at eleven, but I couldn't manage to fall asleep.

It had been anything but easy when I had to tell him that I was pregnant, but he reacted great. He left the decision up to me, I'm in charge of everything. It was my own choice to practically move in here. He doesn't push me, he doesn't tell me what to do with my body or with myself. He is just here; every day, every night.

But I truly believe, that even if there wouldn't be a pregnancy, we would still be together. But I'm not sure if Luka is aware of my feelings.
I pretty much avoided any way of affection since I wasn't able to sleep or eat anything, but now I'm feeling better and enjoyed my day off, I think it would be nice for him, and for me too, to get on the couch as well.

I get up and softly open the door of the bedroom, seeing him sitting on the couch in the dark of the night, softly tapping the rhythm of the music on a pillow. "Hey," I say softly and make my way to him.

"Did I wake you up?"

"No, I was waiting for you..." I sit down against him and pull my legs up on the couch.

"Sorry you had to wait so long."

"No, that's okay," I whisper and turn around so I can face him. "Glad you're here now."

"Me too," he nods, showing me a very sweet smile. His eyes are locked on my lips, but he doesn't undertake any action.

"Rough day?"

"Huh," he laughs and rubs his eyes. "You don't wanna know."

Gosh, he really looks exhausted. "No one paged me," I think out loud and resit so I can lean with my elbow on the back of the couch.

"I know."

"I could have come in." I mean, yeah, if they needed me I would have come. Not that this day off wasn't very great, comfortable and lazy but still...

"Kerry agreed, she knows you've had a rough first trimester, and we could handle it, really."

"Thank you," I sigh and lay my head on his shoulder. Little less great that Kerry noticed me being pissed off and sick, I thought I hid it pretty well. I can only hope that I won't get some sort of a special treatment tomorrow, and Luka knows that I don't want any of that.

"Don't worry about it," he smiles and strokes my cheek. "You're doing just fine."

I smile and lean back against the pillows on the other side of the couch. If I would just close my eyes now I'd fall asleep right here, it's just as comfortable as always.

"That's gonna be the third time this week that you pass out here and it's me that carries you to bed."

What? Third time? I only remembered the first... "Well, it is a perfect couch."

"I know," he grins and leans over me. "But isn't this bad for your back?"

I drape my arms around his shoulders and pull him closer against me. "Couch is better, believe me."

"I'm just glad that you're doing okay."

I smile and lean with my elbows on the couch for support. "I am, and thank you."

"For what?"

"For this."

"Of course," he says and gets up. "Come on, it's late."

When I come out of the shower and change in my sleep shirt I crawl in to bed besides Abby, who's already sleeping there on her side, her face for the first time since weeks to my side of the bed.

I lay down on my side as well and observe her for a second. It's stupid how glad I am about the fact that she's actually laying with her head towards me, how happy I am that she came out of bed to see me, to be with me, that she thanked me. She didn't have to thank me, but I'm still glad that she did.

Three whole months went by since Christmas' eve, and here we are, in my bed, together, although I wonder for how long it will last. I know that she's afraid, that she needs me at the moment, but I'm not sure if she loves me, if she wants to stay with me because of that or because of safety. I'd be glad to give both to her, but I'm too afraid that I'll lose her if I say that I love her, 'cause I don't want to push her. And I know we have time, and that she needs time, and I'll give that to her; all the time she needs.
Because she's doing great.

I hesitate for a second, but can't resist to place my arm behind her head and caress her shoulder shortly.
She doesn't even stir, fast asleep already. The blanket is half off her body, and I bend over to drape it around our body's again. I lean in to give her a soft kiss in her hair and lay on my back with my face to the ceiling, my arm still behind her head.

Just when I want to pull back, I feel her weight shift closer to me. Her head rolls over my arm and she wraps her arm slowly around my waist.

"Sleep well," she mumbles half asleep. A small smile creeps on my face.

I love you, I think but I don't dare to say it oud loud, so I close my eyes and feel her body against my side.

The hand that's on my chest moves up to my other arm, and finds my fingers. I squeeze her hand softly and caress hers with my thumb.

And then I slowly drift away, listening to her breath.

Loving her.

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