DISCLAIMER: NO, we do NOT own FMA…sadly…Mitzy thinks she does but she's delusional.

A/N: Hellllloooooo all you sexy biatches out there! Welcome to the first of many stupid but insanely funny (we hope) fanfics of varying animes put together by the joint efforts of the Great All-Powerful and All-Knowing Mary (formally known as Imoen on fanfiction which is my other profile with all my old fics which I have left FAR behind me i.e. "Slave to Love" ) and the Almighty Queen of Crazy, Mitzy! I think that I'll be writing the Authors Notes at the beginning of our chapters and hers will be at the end (haha I'm seme .) to prevent confusion. This fic was a random burst of inspiration that we had while talking on the phone one night…don't let the title(s) fool you, we'll try to make sure it's not that random half-assed crap you see in so many fanfics these days. When we write crap…we write it gooood….or something like that, lol. Let's assume this story takes place in a non AU setting but has NOTHING to do with the plot….bear with us, please . .

WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Cross-dressing, hints of prostitution, OOC-ness, foul-language and.. Ooo! Warning for all those who wuss out when they read a hint of anything even slightly yaoi: you should probably go crawl back under your blankets now and cry yourself to sleep. Go on, get out of here. Are they gone? Good . (hee) More interesting stuff in future chapters, we promise!

Anywayz, let's begin, shall we? - - - - -

It was a particularly beautiful day; the sun was out in full force, the sky only marred by a few puffy white clouds, and a pleasantly warm breeze danced through the air. Central was buzzing with activity, people going about their daily lives as normal, dressed lightly for the warm weather, talking and laughing.

It really was a nice day…that is, if your name didn't happen to be Roy Mustang. The faint smell of freshly baked pie wafting through his open office window from some distant town shop, and the beauty of the weather did nothing to make his day any less horrible than it already was.

He hunched miserably over his desk and stared at the prescription bottle in front of him, and mentally cursed himself a thousand times over as a fool. 'An attractive fool, but a fool nonetheless' he thought, 'Maybe if I was a little less attractive, I wouldn't be having this problem….'

He growled irritably out loud and slammed his fist down on the desk rather hard. "Goddammit! Why me!" He hid his face in his hands and proceeded to feel sorry for himself, bemoaning at how unfair the world was.

A low chuckle coming from the now-open doorway of his office made Roy look up, his expression startled at first but swiftly switching to irritated as he saw who it was leaning against the doorframe.

"What the hell do you want?" he snapped, not in the mood for an obnoxious visitor. Not today….not when he was busy feeling sorry for himself. His eyes narrowed as he took in the boy's outfit. "What the fuck are you doing in a…skirt?"

Not that he was surprised to see the young man in such a ridiculous outfit. Edward had grown quite attractive by the time he turned 19; childish muscles had hardened to firm ones. His face was perfectly formed, if slightly feminine. He had long ago given up wearing his long gold hair in a braid and now let it hang loose, only enhancing his slim, muscular figure as being more than a little feminine. Of course he still could have passed for a guy, and an attractive one at that, if he hadn't been dressed like a flat-chested hooker. The young man was clad in knee-high black leather heels and a short plaid skirt, with a red tube top and a leather jacket. No, Mustang wasn't surprised at all to see Ed dressed as he was; after all, it was only appropriate for his profession.

Ed chuckled again and tossed his hair back over his shoulder, winking at Roy. "You like?" he grinned. "It's been a while since I've done some decent cross-dressing…I got bored of playing the submissive boy toy and thought luring some lucky men into questioning which team they play for might be entertaining." The boy's grin grew utterly wicked. "What's that I see on your desk?"

Mustang turned white and sat bolt upright, grabbing the prescription bottle and tossing it under his desk. "Nothing! It-It's nothing! Go away!"

Ed laughed and walked forward, closing the door behind him, before moving to Mustang's desk, leaning against it and eyeing the older man with a knowing smirk. "What did I tell you about getting shitfaced in the wrong part of town? I've seen public toilets that weren't as dirty as that girl you left the bar with last night."

Mustang groaned and hid his face in his hands again. "It's not FAIR!"

Laughing again, Edward leaned forward on the desk to ruffle Roy's meticulously groomed hair playfully. "Sure it is. It's called karma. So what did you get? I'm sure it wasn't too bad like crabs, or something equally disgusting."

Mustang said nothing.

Ed's eyebrows shot up at his silence. "I seeee….that sucks dude…my advice is to not be more of a manwhore than me and maybe…consider shaving." He laughed hysterically and jumped out of reach from the punch Mustang swung at him for his taunt.

"Fuck off, Ed."

"Where and when?"

"Arrgh! GET OUT!"

Still laughing, the boy turned around to leave when the door to the office opened and a strict looking blonde-haired woman walked in, wrinkling her nose in distaste when she noticed Edward.

"Honestly Elric, can't you find yourself some poor drunk to molest and leave Mustang alone?"

Ed grinned wickedly at her. "Where's the fun in that? Besides I was just here to congratulate Roy for the reward he got from last night's conquest."

Her eyebrows shot up at that. "Reward? Conquest?" She glared at Mustang who was trying unsuccessfully to hide under his desk. "What the hell is wrong with you, Roy? You shouldn't be out nailing any woman who's stupid or drunk enough to spread her legs for you! Have some self-respect! And what does she…HE, dammit, mean by reward!"

Roy cowered. "Nothing!"

Her eyes narrowed. "It better be nothing. I'm not above castration for the sake of the State, remember that." She swept out of the office stiffly, grumbling under her breath about the incompetence of men.

Ed walked after her, grinning. "You're whipped dude," he tossed back over his shoulder to the cowering man, before leaving the room, chuckling lightly to himself.

Mustang groaned. "You have no idea…" he muttered.

--

Mustang rubbed his fingers together, debating on what or who to burn: himself, the ointment, Edward, or the damn parasites that were pinching more than his pride.

At that moment, Riza came back in with Havoc right behind her. Havoc went straight to his desk, attending to whatever kind of work needed to be done at the moment. Riza walked up to the disgruntled colonel, giving him a hard glare before placing a large stack of papers on his desk.

"Get started, sir." She spat out with venom and went to her own desk.

The colonel sighed and grabbed his pen, looking to Havoc, to Riza, then at his desk. He groaned, knowing what was within the desk. Havoc raised an eyebrow.

"Bad day, Colonel? I thought that chick you picked up would've pepped you up for at least a week."

Mustang let out an even loader groan, and then he moaned.

'Why do I only itch when people are around!' Roy squirmed in his seat, trying his hardest to itch without using his hands. A talent that would take a while to master.

His smoke infested subordinate revealed a cat-ish smile. He wasn't sure what was wrong but he concluded it must've been something bad. Something bad with a girl. Something bad with a girl because he took all of his girlfriends.

Forget childbirth, karma was one of the miraculous things to witness in life!

The colonel moved his head so now his chin was resting on the desk .

"Your eye is twitching sir." Havoc said.

Mustang glared daggers at him, but his subordinate, of course, was unaffected by the vicious glare from Mustang.

"…What'd you get?" He asked after putting the pieces of the puzzle together. The blonde smoker moved to the side, dodging the pen Mustang threw at him in response.

"Was it…herpes?" Another pen and a hardy laugh.

"Not aids!" A pencil.

"The stomach flu?" Cologne. It shattered when it hit the ground. Too bad, it was nice cologne too.

"A strange kind of foot fungus?" Oh, lipstick! He'd have to ask about that later.

"Or could it be..." At this point the colonel's desk's drawer was wide open. A few of the contents that were once inside of it now lay across the room on the floor. Their original target: one laughing Jean Havoc.

Roy, whose rage was building every second, didn't notice what he was chucking. His fingers gripped a white tube; he pulled his hand back then thrust it forward, making the tube fly towards Havoc.

Roy's eyes grew wide and before he could clasp the blasted thing back in his hand, it was too late.

Havoc's hand shot out in front of him and grabbed the tube.

"What's this?"

"Give it back!" Mustang yelled, tripping over his own feet in his hurry to get out of his chair and retrieve the ointment.

"Instant relief, easy to apply, scent free…"

"I said give it back! You're disobeying my orders!" Roy screamed again, getting up on his feet as fast as he could.

"Apply twice a day. If itching continues or condition gets worse—"

"DIE!"

Roy Mustang lunged forward. Havoc flew back on his chair, landing harshly on the ground with the colonel on top of him. The tube of ointment skidded in the middle of the room and for the moment was forgotten.

"I'm going to kill you!" He yelled while shaking the smoker with violent rage.

"Colonel, calm down!" Riza decided to step in; she stood behind the colonel and pulled him back as best she could.

At first Havoc coughed, his body trying to get back as much oxygen as it could. When he finally had enough of the air he lacked, Havoc started to laugh. First it was just kind of a bubbly giggle, then it turned into a full on, piss-your-pants kind of a laugh.

Roy tried to choke him again but was restrained by Riza. The sharpshooter raised a fine-lined, blonde eyebrow. She tried to look at Roy's face.

"What exactly is the tube for colonel?" Before Roy could answer, his other three goons; Falman, Fuery and Breda walked in. Falman looked as blockish as ever, Fuery with his wide eyes looked at Riza and Roy curiously, and Breda just munched on his grilled cheese sandwich.

Falman looked at his feet. He had stepped on something white and shiny, with a creamy gel coming out of it. He bent down and grabbed it, looking at the text on the tube carefully.

"What is it?" Fuery asked, adjusting his glasses when he tip toed to look at what Falman had in his hand.

"Medical ointment for a parasite. Pthirus pubis or better known as…" Falman scrunched up his nose in disgust. "Gross…"

"That's disgusting! Who would be so careless with their sexual life that they would get something like that?" Fuery exclaimed.

Riza let out a small snort of laughter and Havoc just laughed harder, his face now red. Roy glared at Fuery, who stared back confused.

"Get the hell out! Go!" Roy screamed at Fuery.

The small man 'eep'ed and quickly ran back outside, only to collide with the door. Mustang huffed; even the pain of others couldn't cheer him up.

Breda looked back and forth, chewing away at his sandwich. After a few second he looked at his mean then to everyone else.

"Hey guys…" Everyone turned their attention to Breda.

"Guess how many slices of cheese I put on my sandwich!" He asked with a big grin on his face. (A/N: Inside joke!)

A/N: Ehhhhh! Don't judge meeee! XD Hope you liked that, sorry if it… you know sucked! Hopefully my part will be a lot better next time. So yeah, review, re-read then review again… Then go do whatever it is…you…like…to…do….yeah.