Disclaimer: I do not own POTO. It belongs to

Gaston Leroux first and foremost. I also

don't own American Idol,

Black Eyed Peas 'My Humps.' or 'My Funny Valentine.'

I do, however, 'own' Bella; Donna; and Maria.

And the idea for this Phic.

Phantom of the Opera

American Idol Style

By:Janx Spirit

Audition #1

Dog, that was so, dog, like, dog

Maria looked at Donna. "Are you ready?"

"Yup!" Donna bounced up and down excitedly.

Soon, the pair were in front of the Grand Opera House once again. They walked inside to face the crowd.

"Guys! We're going to all go audition for 'American Idol'!" Maria tugged at Erik's cape, as if willing him to come with her.

"Yay! Another adventure! I'm in!" Christine bounded happily toward the other girls, happy to get away from the set of 'Interesting Interviews' for once, to be somewhere else.

Erik grunted, "I'm not going anywhere with you moron's anymore."

Christine grabbed Erik's hand, "Please come with us Erik! It'll be more fun with you there!" She smiled at him.

"Okay." Erik said trance-like.

Soon they were on the set of 'American Idol.' Bella was there to greet them with three other idiot's and a gay dude behind her.

"HOO RR THAY!" Carlotta asked in her Italian accent.

"Okay people!" The gay dude came on stage, and made a pass at Erik,"I'm Ryan Seacrest, one of the gayest men alive, and these are the three judges,"He pointed them out,"Randy Jackson (no relation to Michael Jackson, thank God) Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell, and this is...," The crowd cheered,"AMERICAN IDOL! So let's get the auditions started. Each contestant will sing a song, except for Erik, who's decided to serenade me first!" He made another pass at Erik.

Erik made a face,"They hardly look like judges to me. And they should have better names, such as..." He pointed them out,"...Fatso, Duck Lips, and..." He looked for a good name for Simon Cowell, but couldn't think of one. He noticed all the black he was wearing,"Please tell me your not my re-incarnation, because if you are, I think I may have to kill you."

Ryan touched Erik's...shoulder..."Will the first contestant go?"

"I will!" Raoul Fopman cried. He was dressed in his normal pink Spandex suit, with the long hot pink rubber cape, and yellow boots, which were made of Latex, no less.

"Oh jeez, not again!" Erik yelled angrily. "What a God damn FOP!"

"Dog! Like dog! What dog are dog you dog wearing, dog?" Randy Jackson asked.

"Oh no!" Fopman cried,"It's Dog Man! One of my many enemy's!" He took out a stylish scarf, "Prepare to be whooped-" He put the scarf around his neck,"-By all that is FOPPISH!"

Paula Abdul (Duck Lips) became nervous,"OH MY OH ME! WHAT WILL WE DO TO PROTECT OURSELVES AGAINST FOPMAN AND WONDERBRA!"

Fopman looked at her with big puppy-dog eyes,"I didn't even introduce her yet..."

Duck Lips went on nervously,"BECAUSEIKNOWABOUTWONDERBRABECAUSEIMSECRETLYINLOVEWITHHERBECAUSEIMALMOSTASGAYASRYANSEACRESTBECAUSEICHOOSETOBEBECAUSEISAIDSO!"

"Oh, shut the Hell up already!" Erik marched over to Duck Lips and punched her out.

Randy Jackson bayed like a wolf,"Like dog! I can't dog believe that dog you would dog do dog something dog like dog! DOG!"

Erik punched out Randy too,"Say 'dog' it seems that you 'dog' are actually 100 dog. DOG!"

Then, just for kicks, Erik punched out Simon too, and proceeded to do the same to Ryan Seacrest.

POW!

Came the harsh blow of Erik punching Ryan Seacrest. But nothing happened, Ryan wasn't knocked out.

Instead he started to giggle,"Ooh. Mr. Tough Guy! Can you hit me one more time?"

Erik punched, and slapped Ryan what seemed to be for an eternity, but he still wouldn't go down. All the plastic in his face was preventing him from being punched out by Erik! Finally, Erik got so desperate, he went to Randy and attempted to throw him ontop of Ryan. This attempt wouldn't only daze Ryan, but it would also most likely kill him. But as strong as Erik was, there was no way in this lifetime or the next, that he would ever lift Randy 'Dog' Jackson.

"Dammit!" Erik walked off,"What a bunch of IDIOT'S!" He stood next to Christine.

Three hours later the judges were back up, and ready for the first contestant to sing. Raoul went up, but there was something different about him...oh! He was wearing a tank-top, and a miniskirt! Why didn't I see that before?

"Because you're stupid," Meg answered the narrator.

A...um...a huge...ahh...yeah! A huge kiwi hit Meg in the face!

Raoul pushed his hair back, "I'm ready to sing my song!" He giggled as the music started. And he started to sing in a high pitched girly voice, as everybody stared, shocked, and amazed...and utterly horrified...

"What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside your trunk?

I'm a get, get, get, get you drunk,

Get you love drunk off my hump,

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps,

I drive these brothers crazy,

I do it on the daily,

They treat me really nicely,

They buy me all these ices,

Dolce & Gabbana,

Fendi & NaDonna,

Karan, they be sharin',

All their money got me wearin' fly,

But I ain't askin',

They say they like my ass n',

7 jeans, true Religion's,

So I keep on takin',

We keep on datin',

I keep on demonstrating,

My love, my love, my love, my love,

You love my lady lumps,

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,

My humps, they got you,

Spendin' all your money on me, and all your time on me."

Suddenly, Raoul made the I-am-a-constipated-monkey face, and started to sing in a super low tone, that could still shatter the glass, and someone's ears. Namely Christine's. Poor Christine.

"What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

I'm a get, get, get, get you drunk,

What you doin' with all that ass?

All that ass inside those jeans?"

Bella pulled her pants up, which had been rung around her ankles just before, as was every teenager's in America was.

"I'm a make, make, make, make you scream,

Make you scream, make you scream,

'Cuz of my hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump(Check it out)"

Raoul changed back to his high-pitched pig squeal:

"They say I'm really sexy,

The boys, they wanna' sex me,

They always standin' next to me,

Always dancin' next to me,

Tryin' a feel my hump, my hump,

Lookin' at my lump, my lump,

You can look, but you can't touch..."

Ryan snapped his fingers,"Dammit! But I wanted to cope a feel!" Instead he looked.

"...If you start, I'm a start some drama,

You don't want no drama,

No, no drama, no, no, no drama..."

Meg stopped twiddling with her mega-ultra-blonde hair,"But isn't Carlotta the one who always starts the drama?" She looked to see Carlotta giving her the evil eye. Meg smacked Carlotta, and she went flying.

"...So don't you pull my hand boy,

You ain't my man boy!"

Meg pointed at Erik and laughed,"Ha! You just got served!"

"I'm just tryin' a dance boy,

And move my hump,

My hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump, hump,

My lovely lady lumps,

In the back and in the front, my lovely lady lumps."

Raoul made the bathroom face again, and started to sing the guy verse:

"What you gon' do with all that junk?

All that junk inside that trunk?

What you gon' do with all that ass?

All that ass inside them jeans?

What you gon' do with all that breast?

All that breast inside that shirt?"

"Did you realize that verse was only made up of questions about what a woman is going to do with her ass, 'junk', and breast?" Madame Giry questioned.

Monsieur Andre brightened,"Yes, very enticing lyrics," The he darkened,"Too bad that thing is singing it..."

"I'm a gon' make you work, you work, you work, you work, you work, you work, you work,"

Raoul went back to his girly screech:

"Spendin' all your money on me, upon me, on me!"

When Raoul was done, everyone was silent, staring at him as if he was a nut. Only Raoul thought he did a marvelous job.

Erik suddenly grabbed his chest,"I'm...having...a...heart attack...such terrible music...and the voice is as...horrible as the lyrics..." He sat down in a chair which magically appeared behind him(because we all love Erik and want to make him super comfy.)

"NO! ERIK!" Christine knelt down and touched the side of his face that wasn't covered by the mask,"Please don't leave me with this crazed out constipated Leprachaun!"

"Oh Christine..." Erik looked at her with those beautiful green eyes,"I wish that I had never listened to Rap in my entire life. Because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be dying right now."

Christine wrapped her arms around Erik, holding on for awhile. Erik immediately stopped having a heart attack from bad, evil rap music, Raoul's horrible dual personality voice, and the 'comfy' chair which was actually strangling him. He got up, and felt like a new man...except for the face thing, and the wig which he had decided to crazy-glue to his head, after many peopleCough Christine and Meg Cough had decided, for fun, to start taking his wigs off whenever they saw the chance.

Ryan clapped for Raoul,"YAY!" He turned to the judges,"Well guys? What did you think?"

Randy howled,"I don't know Blondie...I'm not sure if the Dog Pound wanted to hear that,"He looked to his dog pound. Only Erik sat there, with a black choke collar around his neck. "What do you have to say for this one dog?"

Erik looked at Raoul...and started to crack up. He was laughing so hard that tears started to pour from eyes. He had never laughed so hard in his life. Except for that one time when Christine had leant too far back in the Gondola and fell right into the water. It had taken Erik quite a bit to stop laughing and get to saving Christine. By the time he had pulled her out of the water, she had been soaked to bone, having a bad case of pneumonia, and she had spit out about two gallons of water...and that had made Erik laugh even more.

Duck Lips tried to lick her entire lips, which was actually physically impossible for her, "I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INSPIRATION TO ALL, AND I LOVED IT!"

Erik crossed his arms, and grumbled,"...you make one lousy CD, and you think you know what music is...Duck Lips...one of her songs was called 'Vomit'...if she keeps on ranting like that, I'll 'vomit' allover her..."

Simon Cowell made his COW(get it?)face, and said,"You're terrible. It was horrific. Like a knife was being jabbed straight through me. I hated it. Now go away, I don't want to see your stupid face anymore."

"Next contestant please!" Ryan said.

"But DOG! WOOF! BARK! HUFF! PUFF! AND I'LL BLOW YOU'RE HOUSE DOWN!" Randy shouted.

Ryan didn't understand.

"DUDE! DON'T YOU GET IT! LASSIE SAYS LITTLE TOMMY'S STUCK IN THE WELL!" Randy suddenly got up, and then got down on all fours. "WE GOTTA' HUSTLE HIM OUTTA' THERE!" Randy barked,"WITH MARIJUANA! DUDETTE! HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK I'M ABLE TO REALLY BARK LIKE A REAL DOG!"

"Cocaine?" Meg suggested.

Erik cackled,"Yes. I want to see YOU get someone out of a well." He shook his head.

Randy sniffed the air, then set off.

"Wow. He's quicker on all fours." Meg gave a slutty grin, and Madame Giry gave her a good bitch-slap.

Ryan looked around,"Riiiight, let's go on..." He looked around,"Christine?"

Christine looked up,"Well, I wasn't really ready yet..."

Erik's heart attack started coming back. 'Not ready yet'? He wasn't ready to hear those words yet.

"But I'll think of something to end this episode, and then next time, Meg will go first."

"Okay!" Ryan sat in Randy's now empty seat to hear Christine's beautiful voice. Everybody wondered what Christine was going to sing, what she did sing shocked them all though. Especially Erik, who thought he was ready to die. Nine years of Hell to sing a song titled 'My funny Valentine'?

Christine took a deep breath,"I'm dedicating this song to someone."

My funny Valentine,

My sweet comic Valentine,

You make me laugh with my heart,

Your looks are laughable, unphotographable,

Yet you're my favorite work of art,

Is your figure less then Greek?

Is your mouth a little bit week?

When you open it to speak, are you smart?

Don't, baby, don't,

Don't change for me,

Don't even change your hair for me,

Stay, little Valentine, stay,

Each day is Valentine's,

Valentine's Day,

Stay, little Valentine, stay,

Each day is Valentine's,

Each day is Valentine's,

Each day is Valentine's Day!

Many people couldn't figure out to whom the song was dedicated for. The Vicomte? Her father? Erik? A person they didn't know?

Only Christine knew, and as soon as she saw everyone bickering, she turned her head toward Erik. He was looking straight at her, standing in a dark corner, and even for a genius, not even he was positive who the song was for. Christine walked over to him and smiled, "Did I do well?"

Erik narrowed his eyes, making them look like an almost golden color, it was very strange, the way he would cock his head, or smile, or cry. And his eyes were like a mood ring, always seeming to change colors along with his moods,"It was very interesting, I'll give it that..." He saw Christine sadden, and then picked her chin up so that she would look at him, and they smiled at eachother.

Bella jumped on stage,"Well! Until next time! Sayonara!"

Maria pushed her out of the way,"Ciao!"

The two crazies started to fight and ramble on. Donna took centerstage,"Next time, the rest of our cast will be auditioning, and you'll see how we get them to do! Until, then...Donna! Out!"

A/N: Well! This is the first chapter of the Idol...ing...er...yeah. So REVIEW! And if anybody reviews, I'll make fun of you. I'd like, please! For you to include who you want in the second round of judging, beginning now, even though we didn't get to everybody yet, but...oh well!