A/N: Nope, I don't own Harry Potter. But we knew that already. And if you don't like this, whatever. I originally wasn't even planning on posting this here but I got bored and decided to. The stuff you come up with at 3 in the morning though...

Harry Potter And The Secret World Of Myspace

So, the story starts with our angsty boy hero sitting around in his small room at Number 4 blasting owl shit across the room for lack of a better hobby. Dudley's fat arse is sitting in the room across from Harry on the internet, typing in that really loud irritating sort of way.

"Bloody hell, you fat lard! Don't type so fucking loud, I'm practicing magic." Harry said, looking angry.

And then Dudley had a panic attack and went into cardiac arrest because 1. he's fat, and 2. magic scares him. Fucking Muggle...

Anyways, Harry was laying on the bed now looking at this picture of him and Sirius. They look happy and what not... Sirius is waving or something. Harry starts crying like a fag. He takes off his typical thick black frame emo glasses and sets them on the table. And he's all.. running his hand through his hair (typical emo hair too. black and all over the damn place. all he needs is a blue streak) and looking depressed. OH! He has that stupid scar from when Voldemort tried to kill him. And his eyes are green. Like his mum's. J.K. seems to make a point of telling us this in every book. Like we didn't already know what Harry looked like...

Oh! And just then, an owl, Pig, flies into the window. Harry looks at the owl and laughs. Kinda mean of him (and kinda ironic that he saw this without his glasses, eh?)... He gets off his lazy ass, puts his glasses back on, and opens the window. He takes the letter and puts Pig into Hedwig's cage.

Hedwig looks at Pig kinda weird. "O RLY?"
Pig looked back at her. "YA RLY."
"O RLY?"
"YA RLY."

And then this new owl, Hermione's owl, flies through the window with a new letter. Harry takes the letter and puts this owl in the cage.

Pig and Hedwig are still like "O RLY?" "YA RLY." And then Hermione's owl is like "NO WAI!" and the owls shut up.

And Harry was looking at the owls like 'Wtf? They were talking or soemthing...' But then he got over it and opened Ron's letter.

Dear Harry,

blah blah... life is good at the burrow... blah... Fred & George... blah.. Ginny's got a nice rack, you'd probably like it... Hermione came over. We fucked. Sorry, man, but you're too much of a fag for her... blah... I'm sorry about Sirius... Oh! And did I mention how hot Hermione is?

I'm gonna have to cut this short, mate, Hermione's trying to rip my clothes off. And you know I'm poor and can't afford new clothes.

Your good friend who just hooked up with that chick you liked,
Ron

So Harry was just standing there looking at the letter. Then he turned into angry caps lock!Harry and threw the letter into the garbage.

"OY! WTF, MATE? Ron hooked up with my bloody woman! Several times, apparently! Didn't anyone notice the connection we had in the GOF movie?"

He went around blasting holes in stuff. Ironically enough, the Ministry was on holiday (still devastated about Voldemort breaking in) and didn't have time to send harry a letter about under age magic. So then Dudley walks in and gives Harry this weird pedophile look.

"Oy! It's Harry fucking Potter, the boy who lived, the emo fag... Why don't you do us all a favour and go kill yourself?" Dudley threw him a razor blade and walked out laughing.

Harry sat on the edge of the bed looking at the razor thoughtfully. He decided to start weighing the pros and cons of his life. Since he was an emo loser still moping over the death of Sirius, he decided that his life had a lot more cons. He got up and started a slow walk to the bathroom, but the strange glow of the computer distracted him.

Anyways, that computer screen glow attracted him. He stumbled over to the computer, blinded by the light and sat down in the chair. The Myspace website was up. Harry was looking at it weird and tapping the monitor with his wand trying to figure out what it did. Well eventually he got the hang of this whole internet deal and made himself a Myspace. And he was happy.

And then he got emo again when he saw that all these people that he knew had a Myspace. He was all pissed and depressed that no one ever told him to get one.

"Omg!1! They never invited me to do this internet thing. Fuck this, I'm gonna use teh razor!11"

He got up and then sat back down and started writing this suicide note on Myspace (like that kid who supposedly killed himself and left a message on his myspace). And he posted it and stumbled into the bathroom. He turned on the sink and held his left arm out. He was looking pale and sick considering that he's an emo fag with a low tolerance level for pain. He dragged the razor against his arm all lightly and shit cause he didn't have it in him to actually kill himself. So, he's dragging it lightly across his arms because his arms are like a canvas.

So meanwhile, over at the Burrow, Ron's checking out Myspace. And Hermione's sitting next to him... giving him head, go figure. And Ron just so happens to find harry's myspace and read his emo note thingy.

"Dear world, I'm depressed and shit. My best friend fucked the girl I wanted and my godfather's dead. I wish Voldemort had killed me beofre. Maybe now I can be with Sirius again.

(Insert some emo lyrics here)"

Ron looked at the emo lyrics. "What the bloody hell is this about? I think it's music about Chemicals and Romance?"
So Hermione quit doing what she did best long enough to read the note. "No... it's lyrics or something. And Harry's gonna go kill himself?"
"Cool... I can get a book named after me. How's Ron Weasley and the Half-Blood Prince sound?"
"Shoddy. And that's not cool man, your bff is gonna die..."
"Cool... Oh! Am I supposed to do something?"

So... Harry's still being a fag and lightly scratching his arms. My goldfish could leave better scratchmarks than that. And then, I dunno, he gets some weird motivation and starts running the razor across his wrist (across the street, not down the block!). And, in the typical happy fashion where Harry lives for the sake of a sequel, Mr. Weasley uses his mad apparation skills to show up at Harry's house and save his life or something.

-El Fin-