Title: The Atlantis Handbook
Summary: John and Rodney got bored. Teyla and Ronon got roped into it. The rest of Atlantis was amused by it.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to Inferno
Like most things it started when John and Rodney got bored while on mandatory relaxation. Carson wasn't happy when SGA-1 got injured on their last mission. Said team wasn't happy about having mandatory down-time but finally agreed. After much kicking and screaming though.
So John and Rodney were bored. They started talking about what not to do in the Pegasus Galaxy. One thing led to another and the two had talked Ronon and Teyla into helping them create their list. John and Rodney first had to promise though that no one else would ever know they were the ones responsible.
Disappointed they reluctantly agreed that it would just be among the four of them. It still gave them something to do after all that was remotely amusing. The first eight were written that very evening.
The next day every member of the Atlantis Expedition electronically received a notice. The next rule showed up in the evening. Rule Three the next morning and Rule Four the next evening and so on. By the time the Daedalus arrived three weeks later someone had written all of them on a big sheet on the message board so that everyone could see them.
Rule One: Don't Die.
Everyone full heartedly agreed with the first one. Some did say that it seemed very Buffyish though.
Rule Two: When the scientists are creating weapons of mass destruction, do not disturb them.
A. Unless you bring coffee.
The scientist smiled smugly. The soldiers just winced and nodded.
Rule Three: During "That Time of Month" males should not piss off the women of the Expedition.
A. Or hoard chocolate.
B. Or Exist. At All.
The women gave serene smiles. The men just whimpered at the memories.
Rule Four: Shoot first ask questions later is never a good idea.
Elizabeth had that one underlined. SGA-2 just grumbled and pouted. It wasn't their fault that the big hairy bear thing had been the pet of the Village Leader. He shouldn't have let it terrorize people coming through the Gate anyway.
Rule Five: Murphy's Law is very real. Especially in this Galaxy.
No one argued. They had the scars to prove it.
Rule Six: New members should listen to experienced members.
A. Especially when it comes to the Wraith
B. Even more so when they say not to touch something
The original Expedition members did not like arrogant newbies. Any member who had been in the Pegasus Galaxy for a couple months did not like arrogant newbies. The scientists had already degraded into childish retaliation. The soldiers just smiled and scheduled Mandatory Newbie Boot Camps.
Rule Seven: Being sarcastic to Village Leaders is not a good idea.
A. Neither is glaring at them.
B. So is telling them that you think they're an idiot.
Elizabeth smiled and handed printed out copies to SGA-1. John, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla were not amused.
Rule Eight: Flirting Off-World never ends well.
A. And it could give you an alien STD.
Carson printed that one out and gave it to John. Rodney laughed. John didn't.
Rule Nine: Gambling is not permitted.
Number Nine appeared after SGA-9 raced back into the Gate Room under fire. Apparently the poker game with the natives had gotten out of hand and the Priest's son had accused their Sergeant of cheating. The Sergeant had taken offense. Neither Elizabeth nor Carson had found it as amusing as everyone else had.
Rule Ten: Peanuts or any type of nut are not allowed Off-World
A. Or anything people are commonly allergic to.
Seeing as SGA-3 had nearly gotten lynched because of it, no one argued.
Rule Eleven: Ancient Weapons are not toys.
The Science Department did not see the amusement in the big banner with Rule Eleven on it that had 'mysteriously' appeared in the labs.
Rule Twelve: If the Ancients couldn't do it, chances are it can't be done.
Rodney was seen muttering to himself after that rule was sent and being especially snappish to John.
Rule Thirteen: Never Mess with Mother Nature. You won't win.
Something SGA-8 did caused that rule to appear. Only those in Command knew exactly what happened though. Something involving an avalanche, a screaming fit, and a big gun had been the only explanation given. Everyone else had quickly decided that they didn't want to know.
Rule Fourteen: Do not trade weapons.
Elizabeth had everyone, but mainly SGA-1, keep a copy of that rule. It seemed as though she still wasn't happy about the Genii incident last year.
Rule Fifteen: If they have sharp objects and/or guns, for the love of everything holy people, do NOT mock them!
Carson posted that one in the infirmary for everyone to see. He took great pleasure in pointing at it when a team shuffled in bruised and bleeding after angering the weapon carrying natives.
Rule Sixteen: If you are going to create alcohol be discrete.
A. Do not blow up any labs doing so.
That rule was the fault of Radek during the days of the Original Expedition. He had eventually succeeded but only after one spectacular lab explosion.
Rule Seventeen: Volunteering is a bad idea.
In an attempt to impress a pretty native Captain Ryans had volunteered to participate in a local ritual. SGA-5 had barely gotten him out of there with both his hands attached.
Rule Eighteen: Pets are not allowed.
A. "It followed me back!" is not a good excuse.
It had taken weeks to get rid of the squirrel/rabbit hybrid that had decided it like Doctor Molane and followed her back through the gate. Alice was still upset that she didn't get to kept it.
Rule Nineteen: Swimming is not allowed unless it is at the beaches on the Mainland.
Apparently there were sea monsters where Atlantis was but not anywhere near the Mainland. Doctor Richards had been the one unfortunate enough to discover that one. Not to mention Rodney, John and Radek also discovered it during the sinking puddle jumper incident.
Rule Twenty: No one gets left behind.
It was underlined and highlighted so everyone always was able to see it.
Rule Twenty-One: Ruin the Lego Room at your own peril.
The scientists, feeling restless, had somehow talked members of the Daedalus crew into buying them Lego sets. Harry Potter, Star Wars, Lego Trains complete with remote controlled trains, it didn't matter what it was; they built the sets and put them in the Lego Room. It was the Science Department's pride and joy. And for a good reason since it was pretty cool. Even though it was slightly disturbing to see some of the brightest minds in two galaxies playing with Legos.
Rule Twenty-Two: Regrettably the soldiers are no longer allowed to play football in Atlantis by orders of Doctor Weir and Doctor Beckett.
A. Or hockey.
B. Or lacrosse.
C. Or rugby.
D. Neither volleyball or soccer are permitted either.
E. See list in infirmary for all banned spots.
The soldiers on the other hand bribed the Daedalus crew for sports equipment. They claimed one big balcony for themselves and eagerly set up games. Unfortunately they injured one another playing sports. At lest the geeks couldn't get injured playing with Legos. After both John and Lorne had ended up in the infirmary along with half the soldiers in the city, Elizabeth and Carson started banning certain sports.
Rule Twenty-Three: Duct Tape is not to be abused as there is a limited amount in between Daedalus runs.
A. Scientists get the most since they're the ones who fix the city.
Elizabeth had forced the geeks to hide the duck tape fixes though. Apparently it was not dignified for the Hidden City to have obvious signs of duck tape fixing.
Rule Twenty-Four: When giving a report do not say "Which version of the truth would you like to hear?" because Doctor Weir will not be amused.
Ronon got the blame for that one.
Rule Twenty-Five: If possible, do not join in any Off-World rituals.
SGA-5 had even worse luck than SGA-1 when it came to alien rituals.
Rule Twenty-Six: Bartering away your team leader is not permitted.
A. Even if you do plan on rescuing them later anyway.
Captain Dodson had not been amused. He had to fend off a grabby Priestess for half a night before his team rescued him. On the other hand they had gotten the medicine needed to treat Doctor Stacey's bite. However Elizabeth had not been pleased and SGA-12 had gotten lectured for a stunning two hours before she had calmed down.
Rule Twenty-Seven: Telling the Village Leader that your team member has a disease which is why they act so odd is bad. Crazed mobs are often the result.
SGA-13 really should have known better. Luckily none of them had been badly injured.
Rule Twenty-Eight: Boot Camps ordered by Colonel Sheppard are mandatory. Do not try to get out of them.
The geeks didn't like boot camp. Neither did the new grunts. John didn't care.
Rule Twenty-Nine: Do not insult one another in front of Village Leaders and/or Priests.
No one was surprised to learn that John and Rodney were the cause behind Rule Twenty-Nine. Teyla and Ronon were particularly smug for the next couple of days.
Rule Thirty: There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity.
A. Also being suicidal is not impressive. It's just stupid.
John sulked for a week after that one was posted.
Rule Thirty-One: Plan A never works. Plan B works occasionally. Plan C is your best bet.
Number Thirty-One came courtesy of Stargate Command.
Rule Thirty-Two: Do not trust the Genii. They will stab you in the back.
Really the Atlantis Expedition should have figured out that one a long time ago. There were a lot of sheepish nods and growls when it was posted.
Rule Thirty-Three: Lying to your alien team members about Earth culture is not a good idea.
A. Do not call your alien team members a pop culture name that they would find insulting.
B. They will find out. And they will not be happy.
Conan and Xena had not been amused at all.
Rule Thirty-Four: Never insult the natives' culture.
SGA-13 should never be allowed to talk. Ever. Elizabeth had decided to assign one of the Athosians to them to act as a negotiator.
Rule Thirty-Five: Singing 'It's A Small World' might be a good way to annoy your team members but chances are after the fifteenth time it will drive the hidden natives into doing something drastic.
Actually it had. SGA-4 limped/raced back into the Gate Room with rocks hurling through after them. The natives didn't like 'It's A Small World'. Or perhaps it was Lieutenant Anders's voice they had problems with.
Rule Thirty-Six: Baby Dinosaurs do not come back through the Gate with you.
SGA-1 had returned to the Jurassic Park World because of the botanists wanted samples. Ronon ended up with a baby pterodactyl that refused to let go of his hair. Mommy had been the one most displeased by the situation.
Rule Thirty-Seven: The Rain Dance is not the natives' answer to ending a constant rain storm.
Doctor Kim had muttered it sarcastically. The natives heard it unfortunately so SGA-7 had to beat a hasty retreat back through the Gate before the natives figured out that the rain dance was not going to work.
Rule Thirty-Eight: Even the Ancients did stupid things.
Building an outpost on top of a volcano easily popped into mind among others.
Rule Thirty-Nine: We make mistake. That's what makes us human. The only thing that we can do is learn from those mistakes and move on.
Rule Thirty-Nine was also underlined and highlighted.
Rule Forty: 'Simon Says' is not an appropriate game to play with the natives. It will only confuse them and/or frustrate them.
SGA-10 had been in a snippy mood when the villagers on the planet they were on turned out to be hostile and arrested them. The 'But Simon didn't say to follow you' and 'Simon says not to move!' cracks had done nothing but hasten their execution. Back up arrived just in time; a few seconds later and Captain Matthews would have been missing her head.
Rule Forty-One: Do not mob the Daedalus crew for new supplies.
A. Not even if they have Episode III or Harry Potter and the Halfblood Prince with them.
B. Colonel Caldwell will not be pleased.
Caldwell was relieved to see Rule Forty-One. His crew had been reduced to drawing straws to see who would be the unlucky ones to unload the new supplies. All in all he was amused by The Atlantis Handbook and shared a laugh with Doctor Weir about it.
His crew however practically burst into tears of relief after learning of Rule Forty-One. That got sheepish Atlantis residents apologizing for mobbing them last time. They hadn't meant to injure them last time, they were just really happy to see the Daedalus and the bruises had only lasted a couple of days so no hard feelings right?
The Daedalus crew just nodded and smiled. Then backed up a few dozen paces and smiled some more. The Atlantis residents wisely retreated from the uneasy Daedalus crew.
John and Rodney were amused. Teyla and Ronon refused to admit that they found it fun as well. And so The Handbook grew.
Rule Forty-Two: If at first you don't succeed, try again and again.
A. Try not to get killed doing it though. You won't get to gloat if you die.
Rodney smiled and sent it throughout the City. John laughed softly before dragging Rodney off to where Ronon and Teyla were waiting so that the four of them could watch all six Star Wars.