Full summary: Ivy's a conniving dominatrix, Siegfried's questioning his sexuality, Kilik is bored with it all, Raphael's trying to approach the confused and constantly bleeding Siegfried, and Maxi is just trying to fix Kilik's boredom. As a bonus: Taki is seeking revenge on Mitsurougi, Sophitia is attempting to woo Taki and Zasalamel is making an idiot of himself... again. Oh, and by the way, Xianghua is screaming.

Disclaimer: I, obviously, do not own Soul Calibur I, II, or III. Nor do I own anything that has to do with it. Please, oh please, do not sue me.

A message from Lord Zing: If you are offended by any of this material that's too bad, because this is all in good humor. Here are your WARNINGS: This contains humorous YAOI and YURI and, gods forbid, HETEROSEXUALITY. If you want to flame, knock your socks off. I'll probably laugh and make fun of you in whatever chapter I'm in the midst of writing.

As for those of you who enjoy humor and torturing Siegfried just for the fun of it because you like him so much, please enjoy.

A WTF Day

Chapter One: The Insanity Starts Here

Everyone knew Ivy was no ordinary woman. She happened to be a tall, commanding creature with a driving fire in her eyes. To many she was an enigma. To others... Well, others didn't care so much about the enigma side of her as much as they cared about whether or not she was going to hit them.

Siegfried, on the other hand, knew more about Ivy than most. He was also terrified of her. He didn't hate her, but he was well aware she hated him. So when the intimidating woman smirked at him in that certain way that ran Siegfried's blood cold, he couldn't help but piss himself. Thankfully his armor covered his lower quarters. Ivy had left, giving the knight a chance to walk off in a stance that radiated "I'm-a-real-badass-but-I'm-not-trying-when-really-I-am". After all, he had to look formidable. In truth, the blond warrior was simply glad he hadn't shit himself, too. That would have been much more difficult to hide. Now, however, he was terribly, terribly worried what the woman had in store for him.

Pushing his uncertainty and wet pants aside, Siegfried knew he was late. Raphael was throwing another one of those dementedly weird, but completely understandable parties. True, they were all enemies, out for each other's blood, but when Raphael threw a celebration everyone after the 'cursed sword' forgot their qualms for a day or two and kicked back to relax. Sometimes it lasted three or four days, depending on how drunk everyone was. Naturally, these celebrations were reserved for the rare moments - the moments when all of them agreed a good deed had been done.

What was the deed? It wasn't difficult to fathom.

Someone wiped the floor with Zasalamel's sorry ass. That in itself called for rejoice. After all, those seeking the 'cursed sword' hated the fucker. For example, several years ago when Zazie was attempting to put on an arrogant display in the presence of Raphael and Siegfried, he ended up tripping over his own robe with the elegance of a one-legged deer. Both the fencer and knight cheered. That was the first celebration. In the beginning, many fans erupted in protest, saying all the other members of Soul Calibur were just racist mother F-ing A-holes. But, truth be known, they were not.

Zazie was just an asshole. He was an asshole in the way that Sophitia was a hypocrite and didn't know it, but everyone else did. But since Sophitia's reasons for fighting seemed righteous no one ever said anything. She was a push over, anyway. Except when she took those raging charges and jumped on a person and proceeded to plow their skull into the earth over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Then she had a little respect. But she was still a hypocrite.

And so, the birth of the Soul Calibur parties emerged. All because Zazie got shown up, or made an idiot of himself. Whichever came first, it was fine either way.

Sighing heavily, Siegfried found a small stream to clean his pants in, hoping Raphael wouldn't be upset for his lateness like last time. For the Gods' sake he traveled by foot! What did the guy expect from him? Ivy always arrived on time, but she had a horse - and it was an ornery mother, too. No wonder Ivy liked the beast so much - they were perfect for one another! Siegfried wished he had a horse. A pretty one. With shiny fur and bows in its hair. He could pet it and finally have a companion that wouldn't betray or abandon him. He'd name it Excalibur, and it would be his best friend.

But where would he get a good horse? Hmmm... Maybe he could 'borrow' one from Raphael. The man had a corral full of ripped steeds. So they were demonic horses - who cared? Siegfried was positive he could find one that would like him.

Now that his pants were clean he could be on his way. Hopefully he wouldn't run into Ivy until he arrived. He feared her ornery horse, too. The woman would never let him live down the time her steed bit him in the ass and then tried to screw him. Yes, frighteningly enough, Ivy's horse had a thing for him. The kinky bastard.

Several hours later, Siegfried arrived... several hours late. Raphael exited his mansion to greet him, arms spread in a welcoming gesture.

"Siegfried, so good to see you!" Dark, glowing eyes slightly unsettled the knight, but the warm hands that grasped his in a cheery fashion informed him Raphael was already slightly drunk. He didn't need to worry. Raphael was harmless when intoxicated. Unless someone made him mad. Then all hell would break loose and everyone, except Siegfried since he was empty, would piss their pants.

"Come! Let us celebrate together!" Raphael turned around with amazing grace, taking into account his level of drunk-ness, and brushed swiftly towards his home. Siegfried absently wondered if 'drunk-ness' was an actual word before he followed, shamelessly mapping out the mansion's property in search of the corrals. He was relieved Raphael wasn't mad at him for being late. He was always the last one to arrive and, according to Maxi, the first one Raphael wanted to see. He couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

"Hurry, Siegfried! The others are waiting!"

Siegfried mumbled to himself, "Waiting for what?"

"You, of course!" Siegfried had forgotten how acute the man's hearing was, "Seeing as you're the one who defeated that idiotic, one-legged deer. Now come, we must get you out of that dreadful outfit and into something better suited for such an occasion." Siegfried was about to protest the insult to his attire but Raphael laughed that laugh of his - the one that made nearly everyone shudder and shut up. It wasn't necessarily a bad shudder, it was simply disturbingly addicting. Siegfried reframed from asking him to do it again and followed without question.

As he entered Raphael's personal room he found stacks of books littering the floor. The same as last time he was here. Raphael was a seeker of knowledge, he supposed. Siegfried happened to glance down as Raphael was digging through his walk-in closet. A stack of books that nearly rose to his shoulders caught his attention. The book on the top was titled, 1,001 Positions. Siegfried turned away, not wanting to know what that was about. Instead, he refocused his vision on the clothes flying out of the closet.

"Too drab! Too frilly! Too professional! Too loose! Too... Hm, here we are." The demonic man came stumbling into view, a pair of pants in his grasp. Siegfried's eyes grew to the size of golf balls.

"R-R-Raph... T-those..." The knight turned his face away with a blush, "Those will not fit me!"

"Of course they will! Go put them on while I find you a shirt. Unless you'd rather go naked. I'm sure the ladies would love it."

"Alright!" Siegfried snatched the tiny black leggings from the man and turned swiftly toward the master bath to change. He knew Raphael meant it when he made those playful sounding threats.

As he entered the bathroom, nearly tripping over a stray book, he looked at his reflection in the gigantic mirror. He jumped, scaring himself. He was filthy! And, not to mention, there was the slight scent of urine still clinging to him.

"I need a shower."

"Then help yourself, but don't be too long. Everyone has been waiting for the man they plan to toast to." Raphael's sudden entrance caused Siegfried to jump again. A black shirt with a low V-neck was placed on the counter before the demon wandered off in search of more people to greet. The knight glared at the article. It looked like a woman's shirt. No doubt it was.

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Ivy knew she should hold off until a little later, but there was a certain alluring aura ensnaring the idea of torturing Siegfried all night she could not pass up. The bonus was that Siegfried wouldn't know she was behind it. So when she tapped the scentless, tasteless and potent herb into Siegfried's drink not even the Gods themselves could stop her lips from curving into a wicked smirk.

The woman was greatly pleased when the knight downed his drink less than a minute later.

Good boy. Ivy chuckled quietly to herself and left the immediate vicinity.

Siegfried found he was alone... again. Just as he was beginning to feel horribly lonely Maxi plopped down in the chair across from him with a frustrated exhale.

"That woman," Maxi growled, grabbing a glass of water, "I'm going to skin her alive if she doesn't knock it off." Siegfried suddenly felt worse - Maxi didn't even notice him.

"What's wrong?" He asked in hopes of lessening his loneliness.

"Xianghua, that's what." Maxi's knuckles had turned white, his death grip cracking the glass.

"Chattering constantly or hanging all over Kilik?" The knight reclined, ready for the entire session.

"Both!" Siegfried knew enough about Maxi's feelings for Kilik and deep loathe for Xianghua to understand one day the 'little bitch' was going to get what she deserved. The lesson that would be taught: Don't touch, fondle, kiss, steal or stand between something, or someone, Maxi really wanted. And Kilik was what he really wanted.

Siegfried shifted uncomfortably in his tight pants. They were form-fitting and too long. He had to roll the bottoms or use them as extra socks. Damn, another reminder that he was short. At least he didn't smell like piss. The shower he had taken was the most refreshing experience he had been granted in a long time.

Maxi continued on about his great loathe of the 'little bitch' and the way she hung all over Kilik. What the nunchaku-wielding warrior hated the most were the times she insisted upon making out with the man when poor, frustrated Maxi was present. It was as if she were intentionally screaming, "Ha, ha! Ya piss ant! Bet you wish you could do this!" Then she would fondle Kilik in the most annoying ways possible.

Maxi's eye twitched, a sign his resolve was running thin.

"What do you think I should do, Sieg?" Maxi propped his face on his palm, eyebrow raised. Siegfried, wondering how Maxi got his eyebrows to stay in such perfect forks, managed to form a response.

"Find an opportunity and go for it." Siegfried had thought Maxi had wandered into the subject of battle, forgetting Kilik was the main topic.

"Really? You think that will work?"

"Why wouldn't it?" Siegfried was confused. Maxi was becoming optimistic.

"Thanks, I'll try that." The dark-haired man left the table. Once again the knight was fighting off his loneliness and suicidal thoughts. He glanced about the extravagant room, finding many of his usual enemies floating about. Yoshimitsu was teaching Voldo the finer points of dancing and... something. He didn't really care. They were both nut jobs anyway. Let them swap their messed-up techniques.

Siegfried sighed. For once, he wished a really drunk, really easily manipulated Raphael would stop by.

Wait...

Why easily manipulated? Siegfried blinked. He had confused himself once again.

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It was official. Xianghua had to go. Maxi merely needed a scheme and the right opportunity.

To his surprise the 'little bitch' had finally stopped drooling over the man and pranced off to talk with the lesbians, Taki and Sophitia. Seeing as all was clear, Maxi approached his friend and took a seat beside him on the sofa.

"Maxi," Kilik began, sounding unsure, "I'm bored." Maxi shook his head. Bored? He had been making out with someone and he was bored?

"Why?"

"I'm just tired of the same old things. We wander everyday. We stay at inns or sleep on the ground. We fight. Heh, we fight a lot. I guess I'd just like some variety. You know, try something new." Maxi studied Kilik carefully. The man's eyes were focused across the room so he didn't bother to hide the fact he was clearly staring. If he had any less control he would have been drooling like a poor, homo-starved yaoi fangirl.

Taking into account Kilik didn't seem to be doing much other than babbling on about how bored he was, and that Maxi was intent upon getting in some good old fashioned oogling, the story suddenly jumped elsewhere in the mansion.

Taki, in all her giant melon-boobed glory, was desperately trying to get away from the flirting Sophitia. She wasn't here to make friends; despite the fact everyone thought she was a lesbian. Her mission was to find Mitsurougi and beat the fucking tar out of him and that broom on his head. The dickhead had replaced one of her blades with a giant candy cane at the last party. Oh yes, she was out for revenge. Before the night was out she would have it.

Just then, Raphael, who had been primping, began walking down the center stairway of his mansion for all to see. He erupted into that completely demonic laugh of his. Everyone in earshot shuddered and promptly pissed themselves. Except for Siegfried, who was empty. Maxi and Kilik were spared, having been in a separate room going on with a delightful conversation about Pocky and the many flavors it came in. Kilik was smiling, wishing he had some, and Maxi was wondering how many naughty things a person could do with a stick of Pocky. He really, really wanted to find out.

Raphael seemed not to notice the many frustrated groans that rose after his laugh. Those that had pissed their pants like a little eight-year-old with bladder issues flipped him the bird and shuffled off to change. For some reason, Ivy was also exempt from the piss party. Many later wondered why, but Ivy herself knew it was because the author happened to favor her and therefore kept her dignity, honor and never-to-be-shown-up nature intact. Ivy was indeed special. Besides, if she did piss herself there wouldn't be much getting wet. Sorry dudes, that's the way it is.

Seeking the man of the night, Raphael floated, or rather drifted lopsidedly, over to Siegfried. The knight, having heard the laugh, suddenly felt odd. His face dawned an entirely new shade of mauve. Those tight pants must have been cutting off circulation.

Raphael set a hand on the table and leaned back with grace any drunk person surly should have lacked. At that moment, when the demon's hips moved forward sexily, Siegfried's hand rocketed upward to cover his face. His nose exploded into a faucet of blood, red liquid shooting through his fingers like strands of silly string on crack. His face plowed into the top of the table and he began to shake almost violently, wondering why he suddenly had images of a very naked, and very hot, Raphael having fun with miscellaneous objects. He didn't even know objects like that existed, let alone why he was thinking about them. The fact it was Raphael running rampant and butt-naked through his mind only caused more horror. This was the man that tried to kill him on regular days. What the fuck was he doing frolicking around in his head without any clothes? Arahhgh!

Though one side of him was most definitely disturbed, it was quite obvious the other side was turned on. A little too turned on, in the knight's opinion.

So there he was. Poor Siegfried Schtauffen, reduced to a pile of quivering blood and horniness. The author also took special time to make sure all the readers realized Lord Zing's Microsoft Word document with auto check did not mark 'horniness' as wrong. Therefore, it would be used with all the glory it deserved.

Moving back to Siegfried's current predicament showed not much had changed on the knight's part. Raphael was now staring with some measure of drunken concern at the sight. A fine eyebrow rose in question.

"Get into another play fight with Maxi, or are your allergies that bad?"

"Ffalergy." Siegfried, feeling he had successfully mutilated the word 'allergy', rose from the table, blood still slowly leaking a mini waterfall from his nose, and hastily left the room. Raphael scowled at the now stained carpet and settled for insulting the fine material for being so easily blemished.

After he had thoroughly reprimanded the carpet he went in search of the bleeding knight. He couldn't let the man mope about all day and night. Parties had to be thrown, people had to drink themselves into a stupor and, last but not least, Siegfried had to receive a toast. And he didn't mean the kind with butter and jam.

Actually, the author thought a piece of toast with jam sounded pretty damn good. Lord Zing left to go make some toast, thereby ending chapter one of A WTF Day.

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1.20.07