The Easter Bunny is here!
O.k. time to put my feet down off the table and wake up my April alarm is ringing, the fans are screaming for more (said with tongue in cheek) time to get back to work.
Title: Trying not to drift apart
Author: Loz
E-Mail: loz06(at)yahoo(dot)com
Rating: T
Category: Neil.Andrea…And supporting cast.
Series: Story number eighteen. What follows are titles and story ID numbers:
(1) After he's at her door – 2486705 (10) When they're stuck together – 2611364
(2) When the mighty fall – 2506192 (11) When they're back together – 2619492
(3) While his wife's away – 2525486 (12) Life almost in balance – 2630121
(4) While they're away – 2543010 (13) Life under pressure – 2666280
(5) When love's not working – 2543013 (14) Trying to have a life together – 2699235
(6) Boundaries when broken up – 2562611 (15) Outside influences on their lives – 2704730
(7) What happens on the train – 2579012 (16) When things start falling apart – 2727112
(8) When they work together – 2595808 (17) When they're approaching the end again - 2750079
(9) When she wants him back – 2598312 (18) Trying not to drift apart – 2891564
Spoilers: So minor it shouldn't ruffle any feathers. Two things, Andrea's gone (sob) and I'm behind myself so I'm hardly in a position to spoil anyone.
Archive (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)loz06
Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.
Summary: Though both Andrea and Neil agree they need some time apart, Neil is focused on the future and needs to make sure Andrea doesn't forget he wants her in his.
Authors' notes 1: My explanation for why this story is still going, I enjoy so damn much writing it and the course of true love is never smooth nor is life and for these two characters I feel that's particularly true. That said I do have a vague ending planned…but the time frame for that ending is as vague as the ending itself.
Authors' notes 2: Clarification: When I first started writing this story I had missed the episode in which the name Jake Manson was uttered. Actually I didn't know the number or gender of the Manson child(ren). I got lucky picking Neil had one son. I'd read other fics that said Jake though I was never quite sure it wasn't just a created name also. So I created the name Colin which I've grown very attached to and never changed it because it's a name that's been around for a long time as I also perceive the names Philippa and Neil to have been. I almost like it more than Jake because I see Jake as a more modern name given to a child with parents of two older names, then I suppose Jake is the next generation. Then there's also the fact my 'Jake' in this story is much older than The Bill's Jake. Anyway you might like to think of it as this as you read these stories, as I do. Colin Manson's full name in this story is Colin Jake Manson and as I like to think of it on the show - Jake Colin Manson.
Thank you to the reviewer who pointed out I needed to make this clarification.
Authors' notes 3: You'll see in coming stories that I'm bringing in more of a support cast, out of necessity really, the story would have to end or become quite boring without them. However they all appear in the context of or to further the relationship of Neil and Andrea.
Authors' notes 4: Clarification 2: I freely admit I was peeved (more than that) when I found out the character of Andrea was being killed off. I saw a character that was conflicted by her love for a man that wasn't free to love her and a secret occupation that meant she could never reveal all of who she truly was. Then there is Neil a driven and ambitious man whose softer side we got to see because of Andrea. Mostly I was annoyed because I thought there was so much more that could be gotten out of these characters through the mix of journalist, affair, secrets, wife, colleague knowing, different ranked officers, career, ambition, love. What great drama all those things did and would have further made. Here were these terrifically flawed characters in messy situations, (for me the key to great drama and stories) though since the explosion one might argue Neil still is, I felt cheated by the bomb, there was so much more that could happen.
I know there could never be a happily ever after into the sunset. That gets boring to watch after a while and you tune out (thank god for fan fiction – it plays a great role where all the happily ever after 'boring' stuff can be played out.)
So I (arrogantly) set out to write something that reflected the way I would have liked to have seen it done. In that I have incorporated storylines from the show (though sometimes they were chronologically jumbled) to add a sense of reality if you like (if that makes sense reality coming from a make believe TV world and all) and lets face it there's people out there who write much better things than I, I wanted to jump on that bandwagon.
So I wrote Philippa hopping a plane to go work in the USA, on paper in September/October of 2005, I had no idea the character of Philippa Manson was slated to go to work in Spain as I've not so long ago discovered.
My point is that section of my story(s) I can claim is an original idea that I came up with, it's not a tweaked idea.
Thanks: I'd like to send out a big cheers to the new reviewers Lisa Marie, it's always really nice to hear from someone new and some returning old ones, aerialplug (welcome back) and last but not least it's always a pleasure to get a review from my 'groupies' madz87, Meegan Boulton, Phoenix Angelwolf, Gem6, Lornz, Fabio, Stacey Ellen, Chelsee6. Thanks to you all (and the anonymous readers).
Disclaimers: Trying not to get myself sued…I have no association with The Bill.
Now that you've read the longest notes in fan fiction history…on with what you came here for… the story.
The fact it is Sunday night doesn't mean anything, for six weeks and one day they had run into one another and she'd thought of nothing else but Neil and her actions. She passed him in corridors, saw him working in CID and he'd attended the suspicious drug overdose she'd been called out to. Each time he'd been polite and professional, addressing her as PC Dunbar when they weren't alone, Andrea when they were. He'd never pushed or so much as mentioned their relationship. Andrea was too exhausted to analyse why.
Two dozen red roses rest elegantly in her glass vase. They were from Neil but she couldn't discard them, they're too perfect. A week ago when she got them she'd read so much into them – perfect like she thought she and Neil would be, beautiful but with thorns like their relationship was and now they were starting to die. She wanted to attribute their long lasting qualities to her relationship with Neil rather than their impending death.
On the table next to the roses is a small ornate box where she keeps his letters and emails. Each on she's read more then ten times, sometimes she's cried over the words and sentences he'd constructed in pain, each word she believed. He didn't have to plea for her trust, she believes him explicitly. Her mobile phone has scores of messages stored in it, like the letters she'd listened to them over and over, the pain in his voice upset her but left her in no doubt about whom he wanted, despite his professional demeanour at work. He'd filled a tape on her home phone and when she needed to hear his voice, it didn't matter what he was saying, she listened to the messages one after another.
On the last day of the sixth week the letters, messages and emails stopped.
For six weeks despite his protests to the contrary she hadn't been able to shake all her insecurities when it comes to him.
On the sofa next to Andrea, Cally looks up at her with wide sad eyes. Many would laugh but Andrea knows Cally senses something is wrong, she knows Neil hasn't been around and footsteps outside of the front door of the flat have her charging to the door. She's stuck to Andrea like a shadow even sleeping at the end of the bed and crying when Andrea goes out.
She's hard though.
She reminds Andrea of Neil and she gets a strange pang when she looks at the first photos of Cally then at how much she's grown, as if Neil is being deprived of seeing his child grow. But the link is also comforting and the company Cally provides, her unjudging look and total dependence and devotion to Andrea keeps her going.
Andrea looks at her empty finger, she can see the spot where the ring used to rest, the skin slightly paler than that around it, she knows the spot doesn't exist; it's a figure of her imagination. She rubs the empty spot knowing she should never have given the ring back, it was an impulsive act done in a moment when she'd depressed herself almost to rock bottom. In truth she loves the ring and not just for what it is and how it looks on her hand; it's about the person who gave it to her, what it means and what it took to give it to her even after everything that's happened between them. The return was a cowardly act done when he wasn't there; left so inconspicuously it would escape anyone's attention. What was meant to be a symbolic gesture turned out to be a decision she regrets.
Bruce is close, she can feel him. It'll be no surprise to her if the next phone call is him. She hasn't decided what to do; a part of her was ready to resign for her new life in the USA, what a difference a few months makes. It's not a difficult conclusion to come to that Bruce won't be happy with what he's got from his investment, Andrea's resigned to the fact he'll want something but despite this she's set on life being simpler soon…one job and hopefully a particular man she doesn't have to share in one flat, the latter of the two hopes she knows will take time, it's time she's willing to expend.
Bruce takes priority over Neil, till she's sorted her duel life nothing else can go forward.
Cally's ears pick up with the ringing phone, it takes Andrea longer to drag herself off the sofa, even then she doesn't answer immediately, checking the number that flashes across the screen of her mobile…Bruce. He's going to want a decision Andrea hasn't made for certain yet. He won't be silenced if she doesn't answer, his attempts to contact her will increase and become more conspicuous.
"Can you talk?" Andrea doesn't think he's ever asked that before but something's changed in him recently, his hardened exterior softened, weakening with the information she's been seeing someone, he suspects from the station.
Andrea looks at Cally who lies next to her on the sofa, pressed against her thigh, in her unquestioning loyalty and protection of Andrea. She hasn't been outside for days except to the patch of grass downstairs when nature called; Andrea arranges to meet at the park close to her flat.
The ball rolls in front of Bruce and stops at his feet, Cally approaches hesitantly keeping her distance but never taking her eye off the ball. Growing in confidence she edges closer waiting for Bruce to pick up the ball and throw it. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Andrea approach and he kicks the ball away in the hope of ridding them of the distraction. He's surprised when the ball comes back to Andrea's feet and she picks it up despite it being slick with saliva, she throws the ball commanding the dog by name to chase after it.
"She yours?" He asks though it seems an obvious question.
"Shared," Andrea surprises herself with the honesty she comes up with.
"This guy, is he living with you?" Andrea doesn't object to the questioning.
"Was almost, we're not together now." The words are hard.
"That'll make it easier." Bruce suddenly sounds distant and disconnected.
"I'll expect you Monday at the office." Andrea says nothing as she repeats the words in her head.
"What will I be doing?" Right now she's not feeling anything but she knows it will hit her soon, she throws the ball again.
"I don't have anything specific for you right now, there'll be something." It doesn't exactly fill Andrea with excitement about the new role. She tries to picture what it will be like to be on the phone all day, chasing gossip or to harass victims of crimes and senior police officers about why they allowed a crime to take place when she knows full well witnesses can be unreliable, evidence sketchy, victims frightened and uncooperative with juries that are sympathetic because the accused has a history of something as benign as bed wetting. There's little comradery in journalism, each competing for the best stories, unlike the police service, it's one of the things she'll miss.
"O.k.," But it's a hesitant one and Andrea knows it's for the sole reason of Neil. To be absent from his life, not able to see him each day and then there's the truth, he needs to know but she doesn't think he needs to be burdened with this on top of everything else right now but it would kill her to disappear without explanation.
"You've got a week to resign." Andrea looks down at her feet where Cally waits patiently for the ball to be thrown. She knows she has to say goodbye but does she tell everyone the truth or would ignorance be bliss.
Andrea can somehow live with her uniformed colleagues hating her…but not Neil.
"I'll see you Monday." Bruce picks up the ball and throws it before heading back to his car.
Andrea doesn't watch him go, instead throwing the ball for Cally till she's worn out, that night she sleeps at the foot of Andrea's bed, Andrea can't sleep. The fact she knows Neil needs to know the truth keeps her awake.
Since he'd walked in on his boss and his girlfriend with locked lips, Phil had made a point to knock, this time he gets no reply, assuming no one's there he opens the door.
"Sorry Guv, I didn't think anyone was in." Phil stands stiffly watching Neil who sits with his elbows and forearms on the desk twirling a ring in his hands. The door closes gently behind Phil who drops the requested files on the desk. "This is what you asked for."
Neil only nods at the ring and Phil drops into the visitor's chair, "So, Andrea."
"What makes you think I'm going to talk to you about anything associated with my personal life?"
"Well you're right." The admission makes Neil look up. "But you and I used to be friends and I don't think…no I know you've got no one to talk to this about." The words encourage Neil but it takes a moment, he's still cautious.
"I've made such a mess of everything; I've got Philippa on another continent telling me to start divorce proceedings. Andrea doesn't want to talk to me, I had to resort to threats to get my son to live with me, my son who I haven't seen in over six weeks who I'm trying to rebuild my relationship with, my career is out to sea, I…" But anymore is too painful.
"It's called life I've learnt, sometimes you're going along and everything's fabulous and all of a sudden the wheels come off and you feel like you've gone headlong into a speeding lorry."
"I was always so in control." Neil sounds distant.
"Now you know you're human and alive, just as long as no one else finds out about the former."
Neil manages a smile at the joke.
"You know you have nothing on me when it comes to stuffing up, especially where family is concerned, you can't hold a candle." Neil appreciates the candour.
"I would never have credited myself with having some of you in me."
"Gee thanks." Phil is a good sport despite the comment.
"I don't deserve Andrea; I've mucked her around so much, drawn her into my mess of a life."
"I'm sure you've tried to make it up to her." Phil counters.
"An occasional date in the car park," He laughs once perhaps at how pathetic it is.
"Come on Neil she loves you, she's always up here in CID. All those cases she brought to you and worked on, some of it was about you. I watched the way she looked at you after I found out, like you were the only one in the room, I can't believe people haven't noticed. I'm also willing to bet that ring you're turning incessantly in you hand isn't one that Philippa used to wear, it's practically an engagement ring and the only major reminder of you and what you mean to her she has…what are you doing with it?"
"There's also a dog," Neil smiles looking up.
"You had a puppy out of wedlock." Phil puts on a mock tone and look of shock, Neil extends his smile to the joke.
"Cally…she was something that was ours…still is I guess." He concedes.
"Were you living with her?" Phil treads carefully.
"Almost every second night, I still have clothes there…" There's more he's not saying.
"Go on." Phil encourages.
"She started eating my breakfast cereal. I tried to teach her to golf, we played most Saturday's and I was improving her cooking skills." Happy memories, Neil smiles sadly.
"You were more married than Cindy and I and we had the piece of paper to prove it."
"I don't know what I'm going to do about it." For the first time the ring stops.
"Have you told your son?" Phil shifts forward in the chair.
"Telling Colin means telling Philippa." Neil's face betrays the fact it's something he's not looking forward to doing.
"They're going to find out eventually, better for it to come from you," The voice of experience.
"I know she's sick of fighting and coming in second all the time." Neil finds strength, drawn from somewhere. "She has to know my situation is changing and when I'm divorced, I'll…"
"You have to get your own house in order first…then go after her." Phil interrupts.
"I'll be back fighting for her…for the last time." There's new strength and determination.
"You have to give that ring back to her, it's a reminder of you and you want her to think about you every time she looks at her hand."
"Or throws the ball for Cally," Neil adds.
"She might think she wants you to have it back but I'm betting she handed it back after talking herself around and crying for hours over what a bastard you are. But inside her there's a spot that knows it's not true, it's just been shouted down by all the time she's spent convincing herself of your supposed true nature. If you don't give the ring back she gets a bigger message, one that says her fears are probably true, you are giving up, you don't want her, you aren't going to fight, you are the bastard she's labelled you as and all that talking she's done gets set in stone. You give that ring back and that tiny spot of doubt starts to grow in strength and you slowly get back to her." Although Neil believes the words he remains unconvinced.
"You're not the only one who's looked down the barrel of losing it all, the only difference is I did, I mucked Cindy and Christine around and now I've got nothing. Worse no one trusts me because of the mistakes I've made in the past."
"Philippa," Neil asks, it's hard to say her name in the context he does.
Phil shakes his head and there's a moment as he prepares to be honest. "I'm too much in awe of her to ever…it's Sam."
Neil nods once. "Scarred and damaged as well."
"What she's taught me…I'm a better person because of it."
"But your reputation…arrives ten minutes before you do."
Phil laughs at Neil. "Something I was once proud of."
There's silence and Phil senses there's nothing left to say.
"Phil." Neil stops him as he heads to the door. "You were a good sport with some of those comments and I appreciate the advice."
"Good luck Guv."
When he's gone Neil puts the ring back in its box and slips it into the pocket of his pants…return to Andrea.