Issue #14 – The Best of You

All alone or in twos, the ones that really love you walk up and down outside the wall.

Saturday morning.

8:02 AM to be exact.

Conner floated up the stairs of Titans Tower. It was always quiet at this time of the morning with most of the Titans sleeping in. Conner wished he could sleep in too, but the whole absorbing Earth's yellow sunlight thing made sleeping more of a chore than a pleasure. He was going to go to Tim's room, give him a friendly wake up call, and maybe see if he wanted to go get coffee or go to the record store. Really, he just wanted to talk. They hadn't had a chance to talk since the whole Joker incident, and Friday night the other Titans had gotten in the way. Beast Boy had insisted they all see some dumb Rob Schneider movie, and Bart talked them into a Mario Kart tournament. Tim participated, saying nothing as he spanked Bart in the final round, but he seemed like he was going through the motions more than anything. The others noticed it too. Every time Conner looked at Cass, she would glance at Tim, then give him a look. And Raven looked like she was trying to find the right thing to say.

When Conner went by, Tim hadn't been in his room. Starfire had been down in the garden watering some weird alien plant of hers. And Cyborg had been tinkering with Bart's Game Cube, seeing if he could soup it up or something. But neither of them had seen Tim. There was only one place left to check, and that was the roof.

Conner pushed open the door, and a gentle breeze caressed his cheek. The first thing he saw was Tim sitting on the edge, feet dangling over the side, his hand in a cast. The bandages still bulged beneath Tim's t-shirt. It was the one which said Just Shut Up—which Conner always found humorously appropriate—and Tim had on a pair of athletic shorts. They were the clothes Tim had slept in, which was odd. Tim always hopped in the shower and dressed first thing in the morning. Something about being ready for whatever would come in the day, he said.

Watching from the doorway, Conner saw Tim stand up. Tim balanced himself perfectly, his bare toes barely jutting over the edge, and he spread his arms out as far as they would go. He stood there for a moment, seeming to take in the fresh air and view of the city, and then he stepped forward.

He disappeared over the side.

"Holy shi—!" Conner exclaimed. He shot over the side caught Tim before he had even fallen four stories. "What were you thinking? What's gotten into you?" Conner scolded, setting Tim back on the roof.

Tim looked up at him solemnly, his eyes cold and distant. "I hate myself and I want to die," he whispered.

Conner swallowed hard. "Tim, I know you've been through a lot, but…"

"Conner. I know what you're going to say. But save it. Nothing you can do or say will help." Tim hung his head. "Because…" Tim started to choke. "This is so hard for me to say, but it's because…" A sly smile crossed his face. "…it's because I was just pulling your leg anyway."

"What?"

Tim chuckled. "I heard you coming a mile away. I'm just joking around with you."

"That wasn't a very funny joke. At all." Conner punched him in the shoulder, and Tim took the full brunt of the blow with a laugh. He sat back on the edge of the building and Conner sat down beside him.

"I have a weird sense of humor," Tim explained.

"What would you have done if I hadn't caught you?"

Tim shrugged. "Died? I really don't think I could survive a fall from this height."

"So how did you know I would catch you!"

"Because you're my friend, Conner. And you always do." Then Tim's smile fell, and he fiddled with his hands. He stared at them, then out across the city. "Conner, I want to say I'm sorry."

"Well, that was a cruel joke."

Tim shook his head. "Not for that. You were right. I put up a wall to keep people out. And it's not fair, especially to my friends, who have shown me time and time again that I have no need for it."

"There's no hard feelings. That's just you being Tim. And we like you being Tim, even when you're ticking us off."

"Yeah. Ha." Tim paused. "So how are you and Cass doing?"

"Huh? I guess we're alright. We have another date tonight. We have some good times. Heh. Some really good times. It's nothing too serious though."

Tim nodded. "That sounds good."

"Yeah. It is." Conner blushed a little. "I really like her."

"I know. You give her longing stares."

"I do not!"

Tim glared at him.

"Okay, maybe I do…"

They laughed, but when the laughter died away, Tim grew quiet again. He stared at his hands for a while, and then he said, "I've been doing a lot of thinking. About a lot of things. Dad. Mom. You guys. Steph…" He swallowed. "I've never told anybody this, but Steph and I…we almost slept together."

Conner didn't know what to say.

"We…we'd been dating for a while. And she'd just found out I was Robin. Or rather, I guess, found out I was Tim Drake. And we had a date. It wasn't anything special, we just saw a movie, ate some dinner, then hung around. We ended up going back to my room, and we were sitting there, and we started…making out. And one thing led to another, and things…things got a little more intense than usual." Tim laughed nervously. Then he sighed. "But then suddenly, right when it was about to happen, she rolled off me and sat on the edge of the bed. And she started to cry. See, it wasn't the first time for her. And the last time she'd done it, she ended up pregnant and had to give up the baby. And she never really got over that. She said she just wasn't ready yet, couldn't handle it, and that she was sorry. I told her it was okay, but she just kept saying 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry.' Over and over again. I never really understood why. I never saw anything for her to be sorry about."

Tim sighed, and his body shook a little. "I bet you're wondering why I'm telling you this. But when I was with the Joker, when I had him in my hands, just beating him…I honestly wanted to kill him. I almost killed him. I just became this cold, unfeeling…thing. I wasn't human anymore. And then I saw you guys, and you were scared of me. And I don't think I've ever been more ashamed. I feel like I've let you all down. And then I can't help but think of the future, the one we saw, where I'm Batman and I carry a gun. I thought there was no way that would ever happen, but then I felt the Joker dying in my hands, and…I was him, Conner. I was that man, and I don't ever want to be him."

"You don't have to be," Conner said. "We won't let you."

Tim nodded. "I know. You guys, my friends, Dick, Bruce, and Cassandra, you keep me from being that cold and ruthless. But it'd be easy for me to become that cold and ruthless again if I keep you at a distance. I realized something. I don't think the people I care about know I care about them. My biggest regret is that I didn't tell Dad I loved him one more time before he died. And Steph…if she really knew how much I cared about her, I don't think she would have kept saying she was sorry for not sleeping with me. And see, by my telling you this, then, it's not the same, but at least someone knows I cared about her. And by telling you this, you should know I care about you too."

Conner was taken back. Searching for the right thing to say, he ended up making a wisecrack. "Gee, does your voice hurt? I don't think you've ever talked this much." Tim smiled, which made it easier to say, "I know you care, Tim."

"I do. A lot. When I was with the Joker, he convinced me that you died. That I had killed you." Tim held up his cast. "I kind of lost it."

"Well, you never did have much self control."

"Ha. Man…I just don't know. I don't know what I would do. After losing Steph. And Dad. I don't think I could handle it if something bad happened to my friends. Especially you, Conner. You're my best friend. I honestly think I would snap if something happened to you."

Conner smiled. "I don't think you have to worry about that. I'm the Boy of Steel." He flexed his muscles. "Nothing can take me down."

Tim rolled his eyes. "You keel over at the slightest exposure to a glowing piece of rock!"

"Yeah. Well. Uh…about that…"

They laughed again.

"Don't worry, Tim. I won't leave you. I'm not going to die on you."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise. And Superboy never breaks a promise."

Tim smiled, actually smiled, and looked out over the city of San Francisco.

The air rustled around their heads. They looked up, and there stood Bart. He was still in his pajamas too. The pants had little skulls on them, and his T-shirt said Nevermind the Bollocks… But the words Sex Pistols had been marked out so it now said …Here Comes Impulse. He had been meaning to update it for the name change.

"What are you guys doing up here? Are you exchanging secrets again? You always do this when I'm not around. I want to be part of it this time. I have deep dark secrets too!" He sat down on the edge of the building and kicked his socked heels against the side. "One time I was at Wally's house and I ate an entire jar of jam even though I wasn't hungry. And then I stuck it back in the refrigerator, and when he asked me about it, I said I didn't know what he was talking about. And he believed me and thought he ate it himself." Bart hung his head.

"Wow, Bart," Conner said. "You're such a bad kid."

"I can't believe they let you be a superhero," Tim added.

"I know! I hear I'm coming up for review with the Justice League. They may revoke my license."

They laughed. And Bart smiled. He really liked making people laugh.

"So what do you guys want to do today?" Bart asked.

"I don't know," Tim said. "I was thinking maybe we could go to the music store. Look at instruments. Maybe think about starting that folk punk band you were talking about."

Bart's eyes lit up. "Really? Can we call ourselves The Green Day Seventy-Fives?"

"We'll think about that."

"Awesome! Oh man, I can't wait. Beast Boy is going to be soooo jealous." They stood up and started to make their way for the door. Bart kept going on about how awesome their band was going to be.

Tim just laughed and he messed up Bart's hair.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"Jeeze, Bart. Haven't you ever heard of physical signs of fraternal affection before?" He punched Bart in the shoulder.

Bart blinked. "I don't know what you've done with the real Tim Drake," he said. "But I'm glad you're feeling better." Then he gave Tim a hug, careful to avoid his ribs.

Tim smiled again. His face sort of ached. He hadn't done it in such a long time. "Come on," Bart said. "I watched an entire season of Iron Chef on high speed this week. I'll make us some flippin' sweet pancakes."

Conner and Tim rolled their eyes. "Oh joy."

And when they've given you their all, some stagger and fall. After all, it's not easy banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.
-"Outside the Wall" by Pink Floyd

End.