The Joys Of Fatherhood
Mwahahaha! Here's chapter two! I want to thank everyone who reviewed this story. I couldn't believe it even got over five reviews! YAY! You guys are all so wonderful! It's people like you that make writing worth all the head trauma I go through from banging my head against the wall whenever I get writer's block. xD
And I have a few surprises in store for you all in this chapter… And by surprises, I mean more strange things that I find to be much more amusing than they should be. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah… The real surprises won't come until, well… some other chapter.
And, of course, just a reminder that this story is STILL dedicated to Andyouthinkimcrazy, even though this isn't exactly what she wanted… MWA! I'm so evil! But don't worry dearie, I'll try to put some boy love in this story… eventually. (Insert maniacal laughter, thunder, and lightning here)
Disclaimer: I don't own Yugioh or the idea for this story. Those things belong to cooler people than me. I just own the weird little details to the story and my own writing style and horrible sense of humor.
WARNING: Shounen ai, more Atemu-bashing, minimal Kaiba-bashing, lime gelatin, a brief mentioning of Kaibas loins, Oprah Winfrey, cheese attack, naked chibi-ness, and probably some more stuff that I just can't think of right now.
After Bakura had grabbed Ryou and slipped out of the ice cream shop before the owners could force him to clean up the spilled ice cream, he went home to prepare for Yugi's and the Pharaoh's arrival.
And by prepare… The authoress means that he used his spare time to think up ways to make Atemu's life a living hell, but hey, what's new?
Meanwhile, Ryou was creating some mischief of his own…
The young white-haired toddler giggled to himself as he pulled and pulled at the toilet paper roll until all the white toilet paper was gathered on the ground in a large pile, leaving nothing behind but a brown cardboard tube. Now that Ryou's temporary source of fun was gone he needed to find a way to dispose of the white tissuey paper.
Ryou looked towards the porcelain toilet, the toilet paper, then the toilet again. A devious smirk that could've rivaled Bakura's crept its way over his features. The boy giggled again as he started unloading all the soft white tissuey material inside the bowl. With a smile, the young boy flushed the toilet, watching in awe as the paper slowly started to twirl and go down the drain.
…And his awe only increased when the toilet refused to flush all the paper and it started to come back up, along with more water than was originally used to flush the paper.
"Uh-oh" Ryou muttered to himself as water started to overflow from the porcelain bowl and drip onto the hard tile floor. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all?
Of course, Ryou forgot all about that once he spotted all the bright, colorful bottles of chemicals under the sink. "Ooooooh, pwetty coluhs…"
"Hmm… While the pharaoh's sleeping, maybe I can put his hand in a glass of warm water… Or put shaving cream in his hand then tickle his face with a feather so he'll splat himself in the face with shaving cream! Oh yeah, I'm a genius!" Bakura continued celebrating his own intellect as he scribbled away in his notebook, coming up with more brilliant plans that he could humiliate the pharaoh with. "The pharaoh will think twice before coming in my house again, right Ryou?"
But when Bakura looked back to where Ryou should've been, he saw nothing but empty space and a small apple juice stain left in the carpet. Bakura's eye twitched, not just because his hikari was missing but because now there was even more that he had to clean up later. He had still neglected to clean up the disaster area in the kitchen.
"Now where could that boy have run off to?" Bakura set his precious notebook down on his desktop then set off in search for his young light. A crack of light shined from under the bathroom door, piquing Bakura's curiosity. Poor, poor Bakura. Didn't anyone ever tell him that curiosity killed the cat?
"Ryou?" Bakura called softly as he slowly opened the bathroom door, the rusted hinges creating an eerie creak. The former tomb robber's eyes widened as they were met with the sight before him; the toilet was overflowing above the rim and ungracefully splashing onto the wet floor. Bakura looked to the side in search of Ryou and found him sitting in the corner. The boy had just successfully opened up a bottle of green toilet cleaner and was about to chug it down when Bakura quickly rushed over to him and pulled the bottle out of his grasp.
"Child-proof lids my ass" Bakura muttered as he set the bottle down on top of the sink, out of Ryou's reach, and pulled Ryou up into his arms. Ignoring the young boy's struggling efforts to escape, Bakura stepped out of the bathroom door and closed it behind them. "The pharaoh and his light shall be in for a big surprise when they get here" Bakura muttered to himself as he trudged back towards the living room to prepare for Yugi and Atemu's arrival. As if in response, water slowly started to seep through the open space between the bottom of the door and the floor, puddles starting to form on the hallway's linoleum floor.
"Wait, Aibou, stay away from that door!"
"Atemu, it's just a door…" Yugi trailed off, his hand only centimeters away from the handle.
"Yugi, you don't understand! I sense an evil presence coming from inside that house. Behind that door is an unspeakable evil with plans for world domination that the likes of this world has never seen. To open that door would be to unleash the greatest evil you could ever imagine upon all of mankind. No one shall be safe from this hell festival of death; men, women, even children shall fall at the hands of this evil wrath of darkness and despair! Even I, the all powerful pharaoh, fear what shall become of this poor insignificant planet if you were to open that door and release such darkness upon the world."
"…Atemu, you're just upset because the last time we opened Bakura's door a bucket of oatmeal fell on your head."
"It took me three weeks to get that oatmeal smell out of my hair! THREE WEEKS! That is not healthy hair care!" Atemu crossed his arms, pouting, as Yugi merely rolled his eyes.
"You're just paranoid" Yugi muttered as he lightly knocked on the door. Atemu looked at the door with widened eyes, subconsciously holding his breath in preparation for one of the tomb robber's evil schemes. Both of the tri-color-haired teens waited. And waited. And waited…
But they received no answer.
Atemu growled impatiently, throwing the door open and shouting, "Tomb robber! Get your lazy ass out here or-"
But the former ruler of Egypt was interrupted from his threat as a bucket landed on his head. Atemu froze, not just because of the sudden pain in his head but because of the strange sensation he felt on his scalp. A strange green substance, not quite liquid yet not quite solid, slowly started to drip out of the bucket and slowly slide down the pharaoh's forehead. Atemu lifted his finger to collect a small portion of the strange green goo onto his digit and brought the mysterious substance down to his eye level. He inspected it thoroughly before sticking the goo-covered finger into his mouth. Atemu's eye twitched.
"Lime gelatin. That bastard! The thief knows I hate lime jell-o!"
Yugi sighed, massaging his temple as he did his best to ignore his yami as he started to rant on about the evils of lime gelatin and how it was inferior to all other flavors of gelatin that existed. "Come on, let's go inside and get you cleaned up" Yugi muttered as he hooked his arm with his still-ranting yami and dragged him into the Bakura residence.
"Well, Pharaoh, looks like you found my surprise I left you" taunted Bakura as he saw Atemu step into the house, a trail of oozy lime jell-o being left behind by each step the former pharaoh took.
Atemu looked up at the tomb robber, growling as a goo-covered bang fell over his eyes and obscured his vision. "I wish one thousand deaths upon you and your evil gelatin dessert of destruction" he muttered, then trudged off towards the bathroom to clean up.
Bakura chuckled, then turned to Yugi with a look of amusement twinkling in his dark mahogany eyes. "He's taking it better than I thought."
Yugi sighed. "Bakura, you really should try to be a little nicer to Atemu. He's been through a lot lately and he already feels bad about what happened to Ryou. That's why he's staying here too; so he can make up for his mistake and help watch over Ryou until the spell wears off."
Bakura turned towards Yugi, his eyes narrowing. "Look, Yugi, I don't owe the idiot pharaoh anything. He and I will never be friends. Ever. Maybe I could try being more amiable towards him, but not until he takes his head out of his pompous ass so he can see that the world doesn't revolve around it."
Yugi shook his head disappointedly. "At least I tried…"
"BAAAAAKUUUUURAAAAAAAA!"
Both Yugi and Bakura jumped a foot in the air at that, both of them startled by the sudden shout. Each turned their heads towards the direction that the scream originated from: the bathroom. Yugi gasped and Bakura did all he could to hold back his chuckles as Atemu reentered the room, soaking wet, scowling at Bakura.
Atemu growled, pointing towards Bakura in a threatening manner. "You are pure evil! Not only do you command your poorly-tasting and inferior desserts to attack me, but your bathroom as well!" Bakura was about to retort with something clever, but Atemu interrupted him before he got the chance, continuing on with his rant. "There I was, minding my own business as I innocently washed my hands of all jell-o residues, and then… then… that porcelain fiend drooled on the floor that I was walking on and soiled my shoes! IT SOILED THE SHOES OF THE ALMIGHTY PHARAOH! And it got my feet wet! Nobody gets my feet wet! I demanded it to cease its evil actions but it deified me and my law as pharaoh! It was even so bold as to drench my clothes with it's drool. So I did the one thing that any mature, self-respecting man would do if he were in my position; I banished the accursed modern-day contraption to the Shadow Realm for disobeying a direct order from its king!" Atemu ended the statement with a self-satisfied smirk towards Bakura, proud that he had been able to thwart one of the thief's evil schemes.
"…You sent my toilet to the Shadow Realm?"
"Yes."
Bakura growled. "You idiot! Why'd you have to do that!"
Atemu smirked. "It pleased me."
"Pharaoh," Yugi started cautiously, not wanting to incur the wrath of the tomb robber or the ancient pharaoh, "It sounds like the toilet was just clogged. Why didn't you just use the plunger to unclog it?"
"What?" Yami stated indignantly. "And soil my beautiful noble hands by doing the work that is better suited for a peasant?" At this, Yami indiscreetly gestured towards Bakura, though the thief noticed the action quite clearly. "As if. Besides, I needed to teach that rebellious latrine a lesson or else all the bathroom appliances would cause a great uproar and riot against me."
Yugi sweat-dropped. "Atemu, sometimes I worry about you."
Everyone's attention was drawn away from Atemu when the group heard a strange noise; it sounded like a juicy, wet smack of the lips. The group all turned towards the direction of the odd sound and gasped in horror at what they saw.
There was Ryou, sitting peacefully on the carpet, thoughtfully chewing a mouthful of lime gelatin that he had picked up from the trail that had been left behind by Atemu. The young boy seemed to be enjoying it, despite the disgusted stares he received from the onlookers.
Yugi was the first to react. "Ryou, put that down this instant! That's dirty!"
"Yeah!" Bakura interjected. "That jell-o was touching the pharaoh's disgusting filth-covered body not long ago. You're eating his germs!"
Atemu huffed indignantly. "Excuse me? I, unlike you, Bakura, shower on a daily basis. If anyone here is filth-covered then it would be you."
"Hey! Just because I haven't showered in over five days doesn't mean that I'm dirty!"
"No, but the fact that you smell like an over-sized gym sock does."
Yugi, deciding it was best if he just stayed out of it, ignored the two ancient spirits in favor of snatching up the now-sticky youngster. He looked down at Ryou carefully, resisting the urge to flinch when the white-haired child reached up and touched his face with sticky fingers covered in green goo and saliva. Yugi laughed nervously, then rushed off towards the kitchen so he could clean off Ryou, and himself, from the bothersome sticky green substance.
But nothing could've prepared the poor boy for the horrific sight he witnessed once he arrived at the disaster area that was once the kitchen.
Yugi opened his mouth and screamed, a high pitched shriek shredding past his lips and through the air, being overheard by anyone within a five mile radius. Not wanting to be outdone, Ryou sucked in as much air as his small lungs could hold and let it all out in a piercing, earsplitting screech.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
After the ringing in his ears subsided, Bakura chuckled darkly to himself. "Sounds like Yugi found his present."
Meanwhile, at the illustrious Kaiba abode…
Seto Kaiba was busily typing away at his laptop, working on another top secret gaming prototype for Kaiba Land, when he was interrupted by the annoying 'you got mail' jingle. Sighing, Kaiba saved his work and closed the document, then opened up his e-mail. His eyebrows raised as he saw an e-mail labeled 'Duelist Tournament Invitation.' He found it strange that such an e-mail would come from someone whose username was IeAtBaBiEs. (If anyone actually has this username, the authoress hereby apologizes. She just tried to think of a random name.)
He had to admit, his curiosity had been piqued. The only dueling tournament that had ever existed before had been hosted by either himself or Pegasus, and since Pegasus was currently recuperating in the loony bin… Well, the prospect of winning a new Duel Monsters tournament excited Kaiba from the tippy top of his head down to his loins.
Yes, Kaiba was a very passionate man when it came to Duel Monsters.
Not being able to resist any longer, Kaiba double-clicked on the e-mail and opened it, though the sight he was met with was nothing like what he expected. He raised his eyebrows again, this time in confusion as he read out the message on the e-mail.
"Heh heh, sucker! What's that supposed to mean?"
As if to answer his question, the computer shouted out in its computerized, sing-song voice, "You've got a fatal virus! Have a nice day!" The computer screen then went completely blank, all that Kaiba could see on the shiny monitor was a dull black screen that represented all his broken hopes and dreams. Kaiba was about to bash his skull through the monitor screen when something caught his eye; on the once-blank monitor screen appeared a small computerized chibi of himself. What's more, it was dressed in the Domino High school girl uniform. The computerized chbi then started to dance, creating a strange combination of The Macarena and The Funky Chicken.
Kaiba's eyes blazed with the great flames of fury and hatred as he stared at such an injustice just as the mini chibi started to give him a strip tease. "Curse you, IeAtBaBiEs,CURSE YOU!" Kaiba then proceeded to break down in tears.
Ten miles away, in a cozy little apartment, two girls sat in front of their computer screens, snickering to themselves as they watched the computerized chibi of their own creation take off its shirt and swing it over its head.
The girls turned towards each other, smiling wickedly as they imagined what a wreck Seto Kaiba must've been at that moment. Though they were disappointed that they weren't able to witness as the CEO's tears spilt, they satisfied just knowing that they had devastated him.
"So, who's next on the list?" asked the first girl.
The second girl smiled, her devilish features twisting in sadistic delight as she read out the next name on their list of famous people to make fun of until they cry. "Rebecca Hawkins."
Both girls laughed maniacally as they plotted ways to make the eight-year-old girl cry.
Bakura lounged on the couch lazily flipping through the channels on the idiot box, stopping briefly when he came to "The Oprah Winfrey Show." The white-haired fiend narrowed his eyes and glared darkly at the screen, all the while cursing Oprah to the deepest darkest pits of the Shadow Realm. She was the only one (besides the idiot pharaoh) that stood in his way in his quest to gain absolute power.
"Your time shall come, Ms. Winfrey, your time shall come…" Bakura twiddled his thumbs deviously and sinisterly as he began to devise a plan to defeat Oprah and her awesome power.
"No, Ryou, do not eat the soap! OW! Ryou, don't you throw that toy battle ship at me; it has small hazardous parts not suitable for children under the age of five! AHHHH! MY EYE! You got a piece of battleship in MY EYE! Ryou, you better put down that shampoo bottle if you know what's good for you! NOOOOOOO! NOT THE RUBBER DUCKY! Anything but that! Please, somebody, SAVE ME! Your pharaoh commands you too! Help me Ra! Help me Jesus! Help me Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson, come take the little boy back to Neverland Ranch and save me!"
Bakura's plotting against the all-powerful Oprah Winfrey was interrupted by Atemu's shouts coming from behind the bathroom door. He snickered to himself, feeling a sick sense of pride in the way that his young hikari could so easily torment the pharaoh without even trying. The thought brought tears of joy to the former tomb robber's eyes; or, at least, it would have if he had a soul. Fortunately for Bakura, he sold his soul on eBay to a complete stranger for three easy payments of $19.99!
Meanwhile, Yugi was currently blocking the entrance to the kitchen with police tape. At first, the young boy had tried to clean the kitchen, but gave up when what he thought was a piece of moldy over-expired cheese had attacked him, though, now that he thought about it, it could've been some sort of cheese-covered raccoon or badger. Of course, the last thing Yugi wanted to think about was how the animal (or whatever it was) got covered in cheese in the first place. Then again, Yugi had learned a long time ago that it was better to not question the strange happenings that occurred inside the Bakura abode.
Yugi sighed in relief once he was finally finished taping up the kitchen entrance then he immediately walked into the living room and collapsed on the couch next to Bakura. The wild-haired youth was asleep before his pineapple head hit the lumpy cushions.
Bakura glared at Yugi's unconscious form, irritated by the boy's audacity to fall asleep on his couch of lumpy evil, but soon the corners of the thief king's lips curled into a sinister smirk. He looked down at the boy, wondering just how deep a sleeper he was.
Bakura jabbed Yugi in the ribs with the remote control; the only response he received was a snore.
Oh yes, Yugi was a deep sleeper. Bakura internally giggled in glee at his new discovery. Just because Ryou was temporarily unavailable didn't mean that Bakura had to go a week without sex. Bakura continued to smirk down at the unsuspecting Yugi. He leaned over the small boy's form; so close he could feel the other's calm breathing against his skin. Oh yes, he was going to have some fun tonight…
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Ryou! That is not the proper use of a loofa!" came the shrill scream of Atemu from the bathroom. Bakura turned his head just in time to see a butt-naked Ryou chibi burst through the door with Atemu, a loofa sticking out of his left ear, chasing after him. Well, Atemu was chasing after Ryou until he saw Bakura leaning over his poor hikari. Atemu glared fiercely at Bakura, his face turning red in his rage. "Step away from my aibou" Atemu commanded, pulling the loofa out of his ear and pointing it threateningly at his white-haired rival.
Bakura sneered darkly, moving his body closer to Yugi's while keeping eye contact with Atemu. "Oh? And what are you going to do if I don't? Loofa me to death?" Bakura chuckled lightly at his own joke, enjoying the way the pharaoh's eye twitched every few seconds. He also enjoyed how the pharaoh's eyes widened to the size of saucers when he mimicked a pelvic thrust-like movement in Yugi's direction.
Bakura's taunting pelvic thrusts were interrupted as a wet spongy object came in contact with his face; it wasn't a painful sensation, the action just took him by surprise. Bakura stared, flabbergasted, as he looked in shock at the offending weapon in the former pharaoh's hand; the loofa!
"You'll pay for that, Pharaoh!" shrieked Bakura as he got up from his compromising position with Yugi in favor of chasing after Atemu whom was now running down the hallway and screeching like a banshee in fear of hat else the tomb robber might have in store for him.
Meanwhile, in the slightly more peaceful and slightly less chaotic world of Yugi's dreams…
"Anzu, you're my bestest best friend in the whole wide world!" Yugi squealed as he clomped onto the form of Anzu Mazaki. "Do you think we'll be best friends forever?" Yugi asked, his eyes shining brightly.
"I like kittens" responded the dream-Anzu.(1)
Yugi pouted. "Yes, I like kittens too, but that didn't really answer my question…" he trailed off.
"I can fit a peanut up my nose! Wanna see?"
"Not really, no."
"I can fly! Wheeeeeeeeee!" And with that, Anzu jumped out a second story window and flew away into the sunset.
"Well, that was slightly disturbing" Yugi commented as he watched as Anzu's form slowly faded away.
Yugi suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. "Not nearly as disturbing as this will be" stated a voice coming from behind him. Yugi turned around and the sight he was met with made him gasp in sheer unadulterated terror.
There, standing before him in a tight mini skirt and a tube top, was Jonouchi. The young man's face was covered heavily in make-up, making him resemble a clown. His legs were covered in so much excess hair that at first-glance Yugi thought Jonouchi was wearing a pair of knee-socks. All in all, though Jonouchi was quite an attractive man, he made for a very ugly woman.
"Hey there, Sailor. Looking for a good time?" Jonouchi spoke seductively, adding a saucy little wink.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Back in the real world…
Yugi was twitching and flinching on the couch, but Bakura ignored him and went back to studying Oprah so he could discover her secrets and one day steal her magic and power for himself.
Atemu was lying unconscious on the floor from when he ran into the wall while Bakura was chasing him around the house. In fact, he was so out of it that he failed to notice as Ryou, now wearing an over-sized shirt for a nightgown, drew on his face with a permanent marker.
All was now relatively peaceful in the Bakura abode, at least, it was as peaceful as it could possibly be considering the current occupants of the home consisted of a former tomb robber, a former pharaoh of Egypt, a kind boy who was magically transformed into a rotten brat, and a teenage boy whom was currently having nightmares about his friend dressed in drag.
Yes, it was a peaceful time for all.
…Until the doorbell rang.
Bakura growled in annoyance as the accursed "ding-dong" sound of the doorbell interrupted him from his plotting to overthrow Oprah. "Pharaoh, get off your lazy ass and get the door!" he commanded. But the pharaoh did no such thing. "I said get the door, idiot!" The pharaoh still didn't move. Bakura got off the couch and walked to the door, grumbling on his way about idiot pharaohs that were too lazy and conceited to even answer a door.
Bakura swung the door open, prepared to tell whoever it was to buzz off, but was interrupted.
"I need to speak to Atemu, NOW!"
"What the…? Kaiba?"
Oooooh, cliffhanger! xD What does Kaiba want? Looks like you'll have to wait till next chapter! Yes, I'm evil, and proud of it!
(1) No, I wasn't making fun of Anzu; I actually like Anzu. In fact, I'll probably somehow find a way to give her a larger role in the story despite the fact that this is shounen ai. But for now I needed to use her to be random. x3