Title: Chaperones and Charades

Author: Third Charm

Fandom: Babylon 5

Pairings: Delenn/Sheridan, Susan/Byron/Lyta, Marcus/Neroon.

Story Type: Comedy, Parody, Drama

Current Chapter Rating: T

Disclaimer: Babylon 5 and all subsequent major characters, plots, and ideas are the property of J. Michael Straczynski, Babylonian Inc. and Warner Bros. The Kreene, Lorrel, and the House of Ard are my original additions for the purposes of the storyline. The following story was written only for the purposes of entertainment. No income had been made.

Warnings: AU and AT, not beta read, WIP, first attempt at fan fiction, slash in later chapters.

Spoilers: Up to and including some parts of "Grey 17 is Missing", after that, anything goes

Summary: Marcus becomes the target of a diplomatic matchmaker for an alien noble. In a desperate attempt to escape from the matrimonial web being spun around him, Marcus somehow convinces Neroon to help him out. Insanity ensues.

Author's Note: One Earth year equals 0.74 Minbari cycles. The Minbari words and phrases were found at the "JumpNow" website in John Hightower's Minbari dictionary, though not all are direct translations. In order to make this story work, certain characters of B5 join the War Council earlier that in the series, while others that were not involved in the Council are. The roles of aids of the Ambassadors have also been expanded. Hey, I did say this was AU!

Chaperones and Charades

Prologue

He was running at top speed through the corridors of the station. The beings in front of and surrounding him were either diving out of the way or flattening themselves against the bulkheads in order to avoid injury to them selves. Who or what, pray tell, was the brown tornado speeding through Babylon 5's busiest passages? Why, of course, it was the station's resident and lovable "P.I.T.A.".

Anla'Shok (Ranger) Marcus Cole had finally met his match; and it was a horror worse than the Shadows, a waking nightmare for any independent, sentient male. He was the target of a chaperone intent on contracting a marriage to scion of her most ancient and noble House. Therefore, Marcus, being the sensible descendant of sensible Welsh miners and even more sensible Irish peasants, was now doing the only thing that he could. He ran for his life, limb, and virtue – and not necessarily in that order. He zigged, zagged, feinted; and finally lost his pursuers as he ducked into an (thank Valen!) unlocked maintenance closet. As Marcus caught his breath, he briefly thought back to how this fiasco started.

It started with the first diplomatic encounter between the Kreene and the Interstellar Alliance. The, in most of C&C's opinion (now that they knew better), spoiled daughter of the Kreene first contact specialist had expressed her interest the "suffering and oh so noble" Station Ranger. (Valen, he could kill Ivanova! Marcus was sure she was the one to spread tales as personal vengeance. He didn't deserve this. All he'd done was compliment the woman!) So, being the excellent and dutiful chaperone that the High Lady Mallita was, she arranged to have Anla'Shok Cole be their escort for the tour of the station. Delenn, seeing no danger in the seemingly innocent request, agreed. And so the torture began.

When Marcus arrived at the diplomatic quarters of Senator Bahlille of the Kreene Confederacy he was greeted to a sight right out of the storybooks his mother used to read to him when he was a child. The Kreene were a golden wraith-like race that highly resembled the high elves of human mythology; right down to the pointed ears, long, sun colored locks and flowing gossamer robes. Most humans would have just stood and stared at the sight. Marcus, on the other hand, approached the Senator, and introduced himself in the proper Anla'Shok fashion. The Senator then presented Marcus to his traveling household and the individuals of said household to Marcus. At this point the Senator and his aides excused themselves in order to begin negotiations with Entil'Zha (Ranger Commander) Delenn and Captain Sheridan.

The tour itinerary began with the station gardens. As the party walked the garden paths Marcus, knowing how important and alliance with the Kreene was to the war effort, turned on the charm. That was his first mistake. His second was in believing that the senator's daughter, Mayahalla, was an innocent child. The assault, as Marcus referred to the experience, began almost immediately. It started with innuendos a fifteen Standard year old aristocrat should not know. Then he found himself constantly being touched, felt up, and outright groped by a female jail bait octopus! Marcus almost broke and ran when the pointy-eared, pint sized, pickpocket expert somehow got her hand DOWN his uniform trousers. He DID humiliate himself by emitting a very high-pitched yelp. Marcus looked for help from the adults in the party and was summarily ignored.

Every time Marcus tried to extricate himself from the Lady Mayahalla's side, the Bahlille family guards found a way to set him right back to where he started. Finally, when they stopped at a café in the Zocalo for a mid-day meal, Marcus tactfully approached the young lady's chaperone about the situation. He was horrified to learn that the High Lady Mallita was proud of her charge's forthright attitude. Her ladyship then stated that she would be delighted to start contract proceedings with his family's representative in regards to her charge's hand in marriage. Marcus was stunned. After somehow finding his voice again, the intrepid Ranger stuttered out that he was an orphaned only survivor of a dead colony without a credit to his name. Her young Ladyship could, and should, do much better. There was also the matter of the eighteen Standard years in age difference to consider. The High Lady pishawed his answer and said such circumstances wouldn't be too much of an issue. After all, what Lady Mayahalla wants, Lady Mayahalla gets!

As Marcus sat frozen in utter horror at this revelation, Lennier approached their party. Lennier had come to find Marcus on behalf of Delenn. An intelligence contact had come bearing vital information for the Army of Light. Fortunately for Marcus, said contact would only speak to him. Grabbing this unexpected lifeline, he made quick apologies to the Kreene party in general, managed to avoid the grabbing hands of his underage stalker, and left for the war room at all possible speed, (Dignity be DAMNED! There was only so much that a man's virtue and sanity could take!), leaving a bemused Lennier to deal with the Kreene party.

Marcus arrived at the war room in record time. He was breathless and disheveled. Seeing that the entire War Council had been assembled, Marcus gathered together some semblance of professionalism and began to debrief his contact. After the debriefing and impromptu strategy session, he collapsed in an undignified heap muttering about his cursed existence. This got him the full attention for the assembled company. At that moment Lennier entered the war room with a stunned expression. Since everyone's attention was still on Marcus, Lennier was not immediately questioned about said expression. The Captain, however, did ask Marcus what was wrong. That started the ranting about enduring an entire morning of sexual molestation at the hands of Tolkien's own Lolita, curses thrown at professional matchmakers, accusations that Ivanova was responsible for his humiliation, ravings about becoming the Angel of Vengeance himself, and threats to quit the Rangers if Delenn EVER put him in a situation such as this one again. The language used made Vir gasp, Delenn choke, and Lennier pale. All in all, no one had known that their polite and gentlemanly Ranger had such a range of vocabulary.

When Marcus finally stopped raving in order to breath, (and wipe the froth from his mouth), Lennier quietly, and with as much diplomacy and dignity as possible, explained as much of the situation as he could. His information came from the "conversions" of the Kreene party as he escorted them back to their diplomatic quarters. These really were one extremely longwinded monologue by the Lady Mayahalla about Marcus's probable sexual abilities, and a short statement by the High Lady Mallita that she was positive that a marriage contract between her charge and the Anla'Shok could be obtained. After all, she had NEVER failed in obtaining one before. There were also some incoherent mutterings of the family guards at the lengths her High Ladyship went to in order to obtain those contracts, some of which did not bear repeating. Needless to say, the commanders of the Army of Light were stunned.

After the initial silence brought on by shock, Ivanova, Na'Toth, (G'Kar's aid), and even Delenn began to laugh uproariously. The men, of course, kept their mirth to truly evil smirks. The only two people who seemed to have any sympathy for Marcus were Vir and Lennier – Valen bless their good and innocent souls! Garibaldi even had the audacity to suggest that he might need to look up the Statutory Laws for the station, just in case his personal "P.I.T.A." ended up in lock-up. After all, if you turn one girl's head, what about all the other poor innocents on the station? Fortunately, Lennier and Vir, who were the closest to Marcus, were able to hold him back. Unfortunately, the raving began again at a much higher volume. It took all of Sheridan's and Delenn's (after she had herself under control again) command and diplomatic skills to get the situation, and one half-crazed Ranger, under control. They promised Marcus that they would get the "Yenta Situation" as Ivanova began to refer to it, solved as quickly as diplomacy allowed. Marcus snorted at this, and made a very rude statement on the oxymoron factor of "quick" and "diplomacy" in the same sentence. He then went on to state that he should just speak to Brother Theo about taking Holy Vows right now if all he had to keep him away from "her Ladyship" was "diplomacy".

On that note, Stephen Franklin stated that Marcus was in need of a sedative and would he accompany to the nearest med lab? This request was then made an order by Delenn. She asked Lennier and Vir to go with Marcus in order to offer emotional support. In reality, she had them go with the doctor and Ranger because they were the only ones there that Marcus would feel guilty about injuring in an attempt to avoid med lab. They left with Lennier and Vir each holding an arm.

After the trip to med lab, an injection, and extension of sympathies by his two "loyal" friends, (the good doctor was no longer on that list. Smirking and chuckling indeed!), the doc was "dumped" and the trio proceeded to Marcus's quarters. When they arrived at the door to his quarters, Marcus reassured both the aids that he did not need anyone to stay with him. He sent both the aides on their way. Marcus then barricaded himself in with the intention of not leaving until the Kreene diplomatic party was off the station. It was not to be. The next morning, too early in Marcus's opinion, the comm awoke him.

Sheridan himself told him the bad, worse, and, not to be borne, news. First, volunteers who needed training in espionage were arriving ahead of schedule. Since Marcus would be handling their training, hiding out was not an option. Second, the marriage contract was permanently removed from the bargaining table (due to a tap dance by Sheridan that would impress the cast of Chicago) between the Alliance and Confederacy. But, John and Delenn could not completely stop the High Lady from pursuing said contract on a personal level. By Kreene cultural standards, to ask such a thing from the Senator would be the height of disrespect to his station. John had explained to the Senator the Human cultural taboos in regarding to "underage dating". He even managed to spin the story so that Marcus would not have to deal directly with her Ladyship. Unfortunately, Kreene marriage contracts can be written to have a "future" clause. Even with Delenn's formidable skills in half-truths, double talk, and ambiguous statements there was nothing that they could politically do to stop he High Ladyship from seeking him out. Last, and most painful of all, he was ordered to handle the situation as peacefully and diplomatically as possible.

The Kreene were too important to the war against the Shadows for Marcus to blow it. The Bahlille family guards were NOT to have any "accidents", be the victims of any "muggings", and/or any other type of harassment while on the station. Meaning, Marcus was not allowed to use his lurker contacts to do his dirty work. There were to be no unexplained "injures" to anyone in the Kreene party. Lastly, there were to be no "disappearances" of said persons, PERIOD! The Entil'Zha and future Anla'Shok Na (Ranger One) were quite aware of what he was capable of, hence the extremely detailed and airtight instructions. The poor Ranger had no room to maneuver what so ever.

After such a lovely wakeup call, even raiding his stash of contraband Cadbury chocolate and Earl Grey tea did nothing to cheer Marcus up. Marcus dragged out getting ready for the day as much as possible. Right when he screwed his courage to the sticking point and walked to the door, the comm went off again. Praying for a last minute miracle, Marcus answered. There was no miracle. It was the despicable trio, the three so-called friends who laughed at his pain; Garibaldi, Ivanova, and Franklin - traitors all! Marcus was about to sign off when the apologies started pouring in. Apparently the Dastardly Duo from Kreene had gotten their fangs into them this morning as they had left Sheridan's briefing. The harassment had centered on gathering information about Marcus. Each of the officers had tried to throw the ladies off the scent by spinning a tale as to why Marcus was "off the meat market" as Garibaldi put it.

They had each tried the underage route first, using different arguments and reasoning, citing Earth laws, and medical cases (don't ask). They all learned about Kreene marriage contract bylaws, yippee! Ivanova's eyes were still glazed. Dr. Franklin went the "not up to full duty" route due to the den'shah (duel to the death). Her High Ladyship replied that she could easily extend her stay until Marcus was able to handle to negotiations. Garibaldi brought out the penniless orphan card. The argument was summarily waved off. Ivanova went the "duty to the war" route next. Again, the excuse was waived off. Garibaldi tried the "lives a very dangerous life, will bring dangerous enemies to her High Ladyship's charge" speech. The High Lady pointed out that if the Kreene joined the war against the shadows, then her charge would be a prime target due to the Senator's contribution to the alliance between the KC and ISA. At that point, Marcus's Ranger skills would come in handy since his enemies would be theirs. Ivanova, of all people, tried a last ditch appeal to Mallita's honor. Susan spun a tale worthy of the Immortal Bard himself. It was something about Marcus making a graveside vow to someone important in his life to not marry until he found his soul mate. The matchmaker just stared at Susan and then stated that she could "persuade" Marcus that Mayahalla was his soul mate. All three officers felt the hairs on the back of their necks stand on end at how the lady had said, "persuade". They beat a hasty retreat to Garibaldi's office and immediately called Marcus to warn him.

Marcus thanked his friends for their belated show of support, gave them the run down from his talk with John and Delenn that morning, and asked if anyone had a fast acting poison since he was out. He was told to cheer up. As soon as they could get together with him, they would start planning operation "Space the Yenta". Lennier and Vir also wanted to join in. Marcus thanked his friends, told them that he was late for a meeting and signed off. Marcus again gathered his courage, and left his quarters. A messenger that told him that the High Lay Mallita wished to meet with him at his earliest convenience immediately met him. Marcus stated that his schedule did not permit a meeting for day, and due to unforeseen duties in the war effort he could not schedule a meeting with any certainty for the foreseeable future.

This did not deter a very determined matchmaker. There were "accidental" meetings in the corridors, catches in eating establishments, characters of all sorts following him, and the Bahlille guards lurking by his quarters constantly. His BabCom message center was filled. Every one of the messages was from either Mayahalla of Mallita. Marcus didn't dare go home. He began to sleep at the Anla'Shok training salle. Thank Valen he always kept a few clean uniforms in his locker there. Lennier snuck him food. Vir began meeting his lurker contacts in the bars. He was the easiest to explain. He was always in the establishments to drag a drunk Londo out. The next week brought a barrage of bribes, ultimatums, and threats. The situation was quickly spinning out of control. Delenn even brought Kosh in on the situation. The Vorlon made a statement that "Only the one who shared death with Marcus shared his soul." Obviously this did not deter Marcus's personal demon. His friends tried to keep him calm and in good spirits by updating him on the status of operation "Space the Yenta".

The insane situation culminated in kidnapping attempts. In defending himself Marcus injured two of his attackers. When security arrived, it was found that his attackers were some of the Kreene guards. A thoroughly pissed off Marcus immediately pressed charges. The, by now slightly unhinged, Ranger thought that he had finally rid himself of the mess. He could not have been more wrong. Apparently "forcible" meetings were acceptable for "discussing" marriage contracts. Mallita wanted to press charges against Marcus. After some serious political wrangling, the powers that be decided that it was all a cultural misunderstanding. Everyone was off the hook. At this point, one of the older Kreene guards managed to tell Garibaldi that Marcus's only chances were to produce a more noble option in contract (i.e., a marriage suite offered to Marcus by a higher placed noble), or appoint his own matchmaker(s). He was allowed two. The person(s) sole objective should be to tie up, bog down, and delay the proceedings until both Ladies lost interest. Unfortunately it wouldn't stop the abduction attempts. He was not allowed under Kreene law to leave the station until negotiations were over. There were loopholes that Mallita could use in her favor.

The entire war council convened to deal with this situation. It had gone from absurd to insane, and was now approaching Three Stooges sustained Bedlam! After Garibaldi related what the guard had told him, the brainstorming began. Ivanova was still in favor of the airlock solution, and lobbied for it almost exclusively. It was finally decided to appoint Londo and Kosh as Marcus's matchmakers. If anyone could make contract negotiations a nightmare, it was Londo. As for Kosh, well anyone who had tried to get a discernible statement, or for that matter an appointment, out of a Vorlon knew exactly what Mallita was in for. Lyta would run interference for the war council and tell the Vorlon that he had been "volunteered" for the assignment. All Marcus had to do was stay out of the "Spider Queen's" clutches. This came from Na'Toth, who had developed a fascination with a centuries old Earth serial titled "Flash Gordon". (Everyone blamed Garibaldi for this; the Security Chief so enjoyed corrupting innocent diplomatic aides.).

The plan was set in motion. Everyone who knew and cared offered aide to Marcus. Food caches and hiding places were made available. Every excuse was thought of and made as to why Marcus could not be found. The Ranger went into complete escape and evade mode. Even everything he'd gone through as a Ranger and in EFI didn't compare to this. In those situations he still had his dignity. Marcus felt that he now knew what an escaped slave from the American Civil War must have felt like. And that was how one of the finest of the Anla'Shok came to be out of breathe and hiding in a maintenance closet on Babylon 5.