Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant settings and characters were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation and Viz.

Warning: Contains minor sexual language and profanity, slight Royai

Special Missions

A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction

by Anne Packrat

"Sir," Hawkeye said in disbelief as she read over the documents in her hand, "You can't be serious about these new orders!"

"You know, lieutenant, for the first time in my life, I do believe I am completely serious." He placed his chin on top of his interlocked hands. His elbows rested on the table he was now forced to use as a temporary desk.

Hawkeye frowned. "I know that Edward has been particularly... difficult lately, but these orders are a bit much even for him."

Roy said nothing, instead stroking the small chip of mahogany that was all that remained of his former desk. "Fullmetal is more than capable of completing these missions."

She flipped through the briefing again, her frown getting deeper as she got farther into the document. "Colonel, if you don't mind me saying so, why in the hell do you even want these things?"

He continued stroking the remaining piece of his desk. His face was impassive, and his voice betrayed nothing but professionalism. "I feel that those items in particular are objects that need to be studied to find out if they have any value in alchemic research."

Riza bought none of this. "So basically, sir, you wish to torture Edward."

Roy's face lit up with so evil a smile that it even made his unflappable first lieutenant uncomfortable. (But just a little uncomfortable, she was Riza Hawkeye after all.)

She sighed. "Sir, while it is sometimes amusing watching you and Edward fight with each other, don't you think you should be acting more mature about this? You are the adult after all."

He banged his fist on the table, causing it to wobble dangerously. "No! That little bastard destroyed my desk! For that he must pay!" he yelled.

"I know, sir, I was there, remember?" she answered.

It had only been a few days ago when they had entered the office to see Roy's antique desk completely gone. It was replaced with a sign obviously transmuted from part of the desk. The sign left little doubt (not that any had existed in the first place) about the perpetrator of the vandalism.

The sign had read, "ROY MUSTANG IS A STUPID FLAMER WITH A SMALL PENIS! WATCH WHO YOU CALL SHORTY NEXT TIME, CHIBI DICK!"

Mustang had gone red with fury and engulfed the sign in an inferno. He roared for Fullmetal, who had conveniently left that morning to go visit Rizenbool. He ordered an all out search over the base to find his desk, but all they had managed to find was a small chip of it in the dumpster. It was this chip Roy now held clenched in his fist as he cursed the rickety paint-peeling table in front of him.

Roy had raged every day since it had happened, desperate for vengence. But today, on the day Ed was scheduled to return, he had shown up with a secret little smile on his face. Then he had calmly given Hawkeye some new missions for Edward. After reading through the briefing, it was obvious to Riza that he was still very angry.

"Look at this!" he said as he banged on the table again. He pointed to the vibrations thus set off. "My old desk wouldn't have so much as moved at something so trivial! My old desk was huge, hard, steady, and firm..."

Riza's expression was one of puzzlement. She wondered if he was really all that upset over just the desk. It sounded like he was talking about... well, something else. Maybe there was more truth to the sign then she had initially thought.

"Colonel," she said carefully, "It was just a piece of furniture. You'll have a new one in a few days."

He gripped his woodchip tightly. "It won't be the same!" he shouted.

She frowned. "Sir, just what was so important about this desk?"

Roy, being the fully functioning male that he was, often had... fantasies. Fantasies that involved the woman in front of him. And his favorite fantasy, the one that never failed to do the job, involved the woman in front of him in a state of undress, moaning his name on top of his old desk. It was one fantasy that he had desperately hoped to one day make a reality. Oh, he had had plans for that desk. Great plans. But now the desk was gone, and his plans with it.

"Because," Roy said, his mind caught up in his thoughts and not paying attention to his mouth, "I had hoped that one day, on said desk, you and I could do-" His brain finally realized the danger and engaged the emergency shutdown.

"You hoped that we would do what on your desk, sir?" she said, a dangerous edge to her voice.

"Uh..." Roy replied, his mind racing, "Uh..."

"I'm waiting, Colonel."

His finally found an answer. "I wanted to get a deck of cards and play 'Go Fish' with you!"

Riza quirked an eyebrow. "Your dream is to play 'Go Fish' with me?"

Roy nodded desperately. "Uh, yeah! I've loved that game ever since I was a kid, see, and I never get a chance to play it anymore..." He stopped when he noticed she had on her "Colonel, you're being an idiot." look. "What?"

She rolled her eyes. "Nothing, colonel. I'll just go brief Edward. But I think I'll make a few stops on the way..." She quickly left, Roy not noticing the evil little smile on her face.

Once she was gone, Roy cradled the woodchip in his arms. Visions of Edward Elric on his knees in tears floated through his consciousness. "Don't worry, my lovely," he cooed to his beloved piece of wood, "Soon we shall have our revenge!"

Edward Elric cautiously moved through the military base. He knew that Mustang would not be taking his little "prank" well, and now he was alert for any repercussions of it. He knew that the utmost in covert movement was needed in order to avoid the colonel's traps. However, he was having a rather hard time in his quest to be stealthy. His problem, of course, being that he had a heavy clanking seven-foot tall suit of armor for a brother.

"Al!" he hissed, "Can't you move more quietly?"

"Not really, brother," Al replied, "You said you wanted to move quickly, and unfortunately in this body I either move quietly or quickly. I can't do both."

Ed groaned. "I should have gotten you those damn bunny slippers after all! Maybe then you'd be able to more more silently."

"Now, brother," Al said his tone reproving, "You know they didn't have them in my size."

Ed sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Right, right. Ugh, I just wish I knew where that bastard colonel was right now!"

"He's rather busy in his office at the moment, Edward," a voice said from behind them.

The two boys whirled around to find Lieutenant Hawkeye casually standing against the side of the corridor, holding a small box and a sheaf of papers.

"Lieutenant Hawkeye!" Ed cried in surprise.

She inclined her head toward the two brothers. "Hello, Edward, Alphonse. Welcome back. I trust your trip went well?"

Al nodded. "Yeah! Brother managed to cut his head / wrench hit ratio down by a half!"

"Oh?" she replied, amused despite herself, "Did you learn not to put your foot in your mouth so much around Winry or did you just get better at ducking?"

Ed grinned sheepishly, "Uh, a combination of both I guess."

"Well that's good to hear," Hawkeye said, "Perhaps this means you're growing up some." She frowned. "But after that little stunt you pulled the other day, I still have my doubts about your maturity level."

The elder Elric put his metal arm behind his head and rubbed the hair there nervously. "Uh, yeah, about that... "

"The colonel is still quite upset with you, Edward." She sighed. "But as he will be busy for the next few days with all the extra paperwork, I have been asked to brief you on your next set of missions."

Ed sagged in relief, his hand dropping back to his side. Then a thought occurred to him. "Extra paperwork? Don't you all have more than enough as it is?"

Hawkeye flipped through the papers in front of her. "It has come to my attention that the colonel has come into a copious amount of free time lately," she answered with a tinge of annoyance in her voice, "And I feel this time would be better spent doing constructive things like paperwork or writing reports, rather than creating inappropriate fantasies involving subordinates and pieces of furniture."

Ed and Al looked at each other. "Brother!" Al whispered, "What is she talking about?"

Ed shrugged and whispered back, "I don't know." Louder he said, "So that means the smug flamer's going to be busy for the next few days right? Suits me fine."

"Ms. Hawkeye?" Al asked, possibly out of some catlike but potentially fatal curiosity, "Where did you get all that extra paperwork you gave the colonel?"

The wicked little smile that appeared on Hawkeye's face made Ed and Al shiver in fear. They both knew it would be haunting their nightmares for weeks.

"Oh, from the Investigations Department, Internal Affairs, Housekeeping..."

Fear evident on his face, Ed leaned over to Al. "I'm actually starting to feel a small amount of pity for Colonel Pyro."

Hawkeye continued, "...Civilian Affairs, Food Service, Record Keeping..."

Al nodded. "Ms. Hawkeye can be awfully scary sometimes."

"... Human Resources, Legal, and Accounting. Yes, the colonel will be busy for quite awhile," she finished, the scary smile still on her face. Then she noticed the horrified looks on the boy's faces. "What?"

"Uh, nothing," Ed said quickly, "I'm just glad you're on our side."

Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I wouldn't say that. I have a new set of missions for you from the colonel. They're... different then you are used to. Follow me to the conference room and I'll brief you on the first one."

She took off down the hall but stopped and turned back when she realized the Elrics hadn't moved. "Aren't you coming, boys? You don't want to keep me waiting now do you?" A shadow of a wicked smile appeared on her face. "Don't you know it's not nice to keep a lady waiting?"

"Coming, ma'am!" both brothers said at once, hurrying to catch up to the lieutenant.

They didn't know about a lady, but obviously keeping Hawkeye waiting could be downright hazardous to your health.

This is based on an exhibition cosplay skit I wrote and performed with my friends KonekoMiyabi and Bobbi two weeks ago at Harucon. I'm kind of known around the Ohio area for doing, well, strange skits. In this one I played Hawkeye to Miyabi's Ed Elric. It was a lot of fun. Hawkeye is blast to cosplay.

The next chapter will be... odd. Yes, odd. Oh and that fourth wall you got there? Hawkeye's gonna be blasting some big ol' bullet holes in it.

I will update "Lonely Mornings" shortly. I've had a difficult week, as anyone who's read "Godspeed and Goodbye" can attest to. I'd also rather not think of the psychological ramifications of my writing both that depressing story and this weird piece of humor in the same week.

Next Chapter:

One of these things doesn't appear in the next installment

1. Lieutenant Havoc

2. the Philosopher's Stone

3. ninjas

4. a Pikachu named Sparky

Find out the answer in the next chapter of "Special Missions".

-Anne Packrat (May 7, 2006)