The In-Between

By infinite shadow

Disclaimer: No I don't own anything to do with the wonderful show Supernatural. No matter how much I may want them the Winchester Men only belong to me in my dreams.

Author's note: Well here is another Sam angst story. So consider yourself warned. This one takes place after the episode Nightmare. No real spoilers for that show except for one scene that Sam has a vision for. Thanks to lynxlan for the beta.

Originally this story had lyrics in it for a song called "Worth Fighting For" by Judas Priest. But as I found out as I was reading the guidelines including song lyrics are not allowed. It has been modified to not have the lyrics so hopefully the modifications make sense and the differences in Sam's thoughts are not too rough.

Please leave feedback as it fuels my obsession for writing. Enjoy...

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Sam liked the in-between as he'd decided to call it. He wasn't awake and he wasn't asleep he was somewhere in between. Here he could control where his mind drifted without any heart hammering consequences. The in-between was safe.

They were heading for their next job that they thought could be a black dog. It had been years since Dean or Sam had battled one of those, but Dad had sent the co-ordinates and like good soldiers they were on their way.

They had been driving for two days straight since the whole Max fiasco. His older brother wouldn't give up the wheel and Sam hadn't argued. He watched the scenery go by and allowed it to lull him into the in-between. His body screamed for sleep but he couldn't and wouldn't give into it. For the last two nights both of them had crawled into bed exhausted from the miles and miles of road they had traveled. Sam envied his brother's ability to fall asleep right away. Although since Max his brother hadn't slept for more than two hours at a time. He'd look to see what Sam was doing or go to the bathroom, he wouldn't say anything just go back to sleep. Sam wasn't sure whether Dean was worried about his abilities or worried that he wasn't sleeping. He had tried, but as soon as he put his head down on his pillow and closed his eyes the pictures started flashing across his closed eye lids. It was a full colour presentation, including special effects, of his adventures in Demonville. From the hookman, woman in white, shape shifter to Dean being killed by Max. He was only able to take the slide show for so long before he felt the need to distract himself or empty the meager contents of his stomach. So the last two nights he'd spent watching over his somewhat sleeping brother and researching the black dog.

Sam almost opened his eyes as he heard crinkling cellophane, but didn't. They'd stopped at a road side diner for lunch and Sam had spotted a Judas Priest tape behind the counter with many others for sale. Knowing that Dean liked the group, but was lacking it in his collection, and they'd probably never see another set of tapes for sale, he'd purchased it when his brother had slipped into the restroom. He'd been waiting at the car for his brother outside the diner leaning up against the drivers side door.

"If you think you're driving," Dean had started.

"Nope," Sam said holding up a hand to stop Dean before he could get on a roll. "Here," he said and tossed the tape at him.

"What's this," Dean said as he caught the tape upside down. He righted the case and looked at the cover. His eyes flew up to his little brothers.

After all they'd been through on the road to find Dad so far, it was kinda nice to see the happy surprise on his older brother's face.

He heard the distinctive thunk of a tape being popped into the deck. While the music played Sam pushed most of the sound out of his conscious thought and let his mind wander to other things. He wondered what was happening with his lost friends at Stanford. Was Freddy still chasing Angela like he had for the last two years for a date? Was Katie still trying to decide what she was going to major in - family law or criminal law? What kind of pranks had Justin got caught setting up? What would he and Jess be doing right now if he were still back at school? How bad was this black dog going to be, and was it really a black dog? The signs were vague at best and could seriously be something else. Where was Dad, what was he currently battling, and was he safe? Maybe they should just skip this black dog and concentrate harder on finding him. He could need their help.

A familiar tune began to thread itself into his thoughts. He wasn't really familiar with this group, but he did remember that Dean had once pointed to the radio when it had been playing and told him that this was one great song. Some of the lyrics stood out more than the others.

When his Dad had found out that Sam had applied for university scholarships he went balistic. His Dad had said no, that he needed Sam with him to continue fighting and go on hunts. Without the family around to protect him how would he know that Sam was ok? That was just the beginning of many arguments that had to do with school. Sam had been beyond frustrated and hurt. He'd worked so hard to get those high marks, and his Dad hadn't even acknowledged them, didn't even realize how important this was to his youngest son. There had to be more to life than hunting, he just knew it.

Now after all this time apart form his Dad he regretted some of the fights, but the guy was way too stubborn and could never hear Sam's side of it. All he'd wanted was a chance at a real education, not two weeks here at this school, a month at that school.

The last straw was Stanford. Sam had tried so hard to make his Dad understand. He'd gotten a full ride, everything was going to be looked after, Dad and Dean no longer had to look after him like the tag along he often felt like. After Sam had told him about the full scholarship his father ordered him not to go. Sam had never been so angry and scared at the same time. Angry that his father couldn't see that he needed a life of his own that didn't include hunting. Scared that it was really good bye and that he'd never see his father or brother ever again.

He hadn't known that his Dad had been drinking and before he knew what was happening his back was up against the wall, his Dad's forearm across his throat. Dean was there yelling, trying to pull them apart while Sam's watery vision danced with black spots. The smell of alcohol was overwhelming and he choked on the forearm across his throat and the fumes from his father's breath.

When Dean had managed to pull his Dad off of him and pull him over to the couch Sam had fallen to his knees while he'd got his breath back. When he could breathe and see properly again he picked up his bag and walked calmly out the front door not stopping to look back or to offer a good bye to his brother. The life he was leaving behind was wrong and his future beckoned even if he had to do it alone.

There had been so much left unsaid between them that when Dean had appeared in the middle of the night he'd been loathe to say no, but he had, originally. Until he got the full story and then he'd caved, but it really wasn't that hard to say yes. After two long years of almost zero contact he did feel the need to see his family. Study and Jess could only take up so much of his mind. Somehow Dad and Dean were never far from his thoughts. Sam thought he understood now, the fear and the anger. He'd been such a jerk to his family. Now he had to at least try to talk to his Dad, try to make amends, try to let him know that he did understand now.

Still his childhood hadn't been all bad, looking back he knew he was lucky to have Dean. One of his earliest memories was being on the road with Dean and his Dad. Dad would go and scout out the area and Dean would make sure Sam was safe in the car promising him that they'd be right back. Not to open the car door to anyone except him and Dad. Then his brother would go away and as promised the two of them would come back, usually bloody and bruised but triumphant.

And later, when he'd been old enough he'd joined the fight. Dad had taught him about weapons and Dean had taught him about fighting. Before he knew it he'd gone on his first hunt and had been petrified, but soon he was just as addicted to the adrenaline that came with the hunt as his older brother was. They would fight together and always stay within sight of each other. If it were possible the hunt had actually brought them closer together than before creating a stronger bond and he knew his Dad was pleased. So much so that he allowed the two of them to hunt on their own. He knew then, from the lifestyle he'd been brought up, in that keeping people safe made it worth the fight.

He'd seen Jess so many times, before, during and after jobs, that he knew his Jess wasn't really gone and that she was watching over him and Dean. He'd seen her just after Dean had broken through the surface of the lake with Lucas. She was standing on the lakeshore smiling at him. She'd been on a street corner after they'd taken out the hookman. Jess had been sitting on a bench after dropping the young girl off to go to Boston at the bus depot as they'd driven away, and he'd known everything was going to be ok after seeing her on the airplane after the possession. But she really wasn't here and his heart ached for her.

Jess had been his life saver at school. He'd been miserable, not really able to mix with his peers. Spending long exhaustive hours in the library, trudging through the hallways missing his family so much that some days he couldn't concentrate on his studies, all he could think about was what his brother was doing, what he was hunting and if he was ok. He was so lonely that he was beginning to consider throwing in the towel, beg his Dad and Dean for forgiveness and ask to come home. Six months into his first year he'd collided with Jess in the quad. Sam hadn't believed in love a first sight, but that day made him a believer.

He'd walked her back to her dorm, surprised that it was the building next to his. Before letting her go inside he'd plucked up the courage to ask her out for coffee. If it was possible her smile seemed to brighten and she'd said yes. Over the next several months Sam learned how to laugh again, how to let his guard down enough to truly let her in, how to mingle with his peers and he learned what normal really was. She was everything he ever thought he would need in his life. Then he lost his connection to normal, to happy, and for a few days to sanity.

The day after Jess' funeral he had knelt in front of her grave praying that it was all a bad dream, that any minute now he would wake and she would be safely wrapped in his arms. He spoke to her as if she was really there. He told her about the life he'd lived before meeting her, about hunting and the different places he'd been to. He told her about his older brother, his father and what he'd been told about his mom. Then he explained why he enjoyed spending time with her family over the holidays. Why the time spent with them was so important. He begged for her understanding and her forgiveness. There was no absolution but that was ok because he knew her blood stained his hands. There could be no forgiveness for her death, even though he'd asked for it.

Several hours later Dean had shown up and gently pulled him away from the cemetery.

Sam thought back to the many people they hadn't been able to save after re-joining his brother on this road trip. The Sheriff that died in the water saving his grandson, the aunt and uncle that were killed by the scarecrow, and the preacher's wife that was killed by the reaper. They all thought they'd been doing the right thing. Then there was Max. They'd tried to help him. Sam had tried so hard to get through to him. In the end he'd saved Dean, but he couldn't save Max who had taken his own life to finally be rid of the fear and pain that consumed him. Seeing his mother on the ceiling of their old home as she extinguished her spiritual life to rid the poltergeist out of their childhood home. Finally the act that started it all for him, his beloved Jess on the ceiling of their apartment. He could see them all standing at the side of the road pleading for his help, pleading for justice.

Despair and pain started to become overwhelming, almost like a weight on his chest. The whimper was out of him before he could stop it and he wondered when he had begun to lose control in the in-between.

He heard Dean clear his throat beside him as the music was turned down. "Sammy you're ok, it's just a dream," he said and he felt his brother's hand on his shoulder. "You're ok."

Sam struggled to open his eyes as he swallowed back the pain.

"Hey you awake?" Dean asked.

He cleared his throat and sat straighter in the bench seat. "Yeah," he said his voice rough from sleep and he felt Dean's hand fall away. He could feel his brother scrutinize him.

"Sam?" Dean asked.

"What," Sam asked tiredly.

"You ok?" Dean ventured.

"Right as rain," he said quietly as he rubbed at his eyes.

"Yeah sure you are," the older brother scoffed. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Aside from just now?" Sam asked already knowing the answer.

Dean snorted. "Sam that wasn't sleeping."

"Ok if I wasn't sleeping what would you call it?" he asked.

"You were resting. You found your zone dude and that's great but you have to use it sparingly," Dean said.

"Zone?" Sam repeated. "What zone?"

"You know the zone," Dean said. "Not awake but not sleeping. It's a kinda safe restful in-between. Yeah, an in-between the two, the grey area of sleep if you will."

"So what if I have?" Sam said sounding defensive.

"Sammy it's not enough," Dean said softly. "Do you remember when I was seventeen and you wanted to come with Dad and I on hunts cause you hated the house we were living in?"

"Yeah. That freaking place was haunted. I hated being left alone there," Sam said thinking back to the house they rented for the summer. A house that was rent free thanks to the poltergeists that had taken up residence. "So?"

"So I hated it there just as much as you did. I used to wake up and things would be moving in my room just above my bed. I figured out that they didn't come if I stayed awake, but I couldn't keep conscious. The best I could do was the zone, but it came at a high cost on a hunt," Dean said quietly.

"Dean what are you talking about?" Sam asked as his brow furrowed.

"Sam I was beyond exhausted. I mistook Dad for a shapeshifter and, well, I kinda shot him," Dean said quietly his knuckles white on the steering wheel.

"No way," Sam said shaking his head and starring at his older brother. "Come on Dean! You don't expect me to believe that you shot Dad and are sitting here telling me the tale today. Nope, not possible."

Dean sighed. "Sam I could've killed him. If Dad didn't have the reactions he does I would have shot him in the chest and not just grazed his arm."

"Wait. He told me he got that wound from the shapeshifter you guys were hunting," Sam said his eyes opening slightly.

"Sam it doesn't matter," Dean said quietly.

"Dean it does matter. Dad lied to me, you lied to me," Sam exclaimed.

"Dad lied to you so you wouldn't be afraid of me when you got to hunt with us. He didn't want you to think I would hurt you when we were off running after something. You know how hard hunts can be and if you were more worried about watching your back from me that what we were hunting you may not have survived the hunts we did go on," Dean said as he turned off the secondary highway and into a motel parking lot. He pulled into a parking stall and shut off the motor. "Look Sam I know you haven't been sleeping," Dean said looking straight ahead.

"Neither have you," Sam interjected quietly.

"Yeah well," Dean said looking out the side window and sighed. "Fine, we're both exhausted. If we're going to take on this black dog we have to be more rested. Face it Sam we're running on empty here, aren't we?"

"Yeah maybe we are," Sam said looking down and picking at the tear in his jeans. He couldn't help the yawn that escaped him.

"My point exactly kiddo," Dean said.

"Want me to check us in?" Sam offered knowing that Dean preferred to do it.

"Ok. I'll grab the bags," he said then reached out to hold his brother back from leaving the car. "Sam you'll sleep, right?"

The younger hunter looked back at him and shrugged. "I'll try."

"Sam," Dean said a warning tone in his voice.

"No staying in the in-between Dean, I promise. Scout's honour," Sam said smiling.

Dean gave him a disbelieving look. "You were never a scout. We weren't in any state long enough," he challenged.

"Fine. I'll try to sleep. It's the best I can do," Sam said sincerely.

"Good. Now what are you waiting for?" Dean said. "Go check us in before this turns into one of those gawd awful moments you like so much."

The end