Silky Little Horrors Summary: Logan finds out that strange obsessions are bad ideas, why Scott is the tight ass he is, and what true horror is like. Crack-fic. One-shot.

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men or 'I'm to Sexy'

Image: 90s X-Men by RDauterman

Rating: Teen.

…

Yeah ... That can't be unseen.

…

Logan smiled as he slowly sneaked down that hall as quietly as a man with metal bones could towards Jean and Scott's room. The mutant winced at the second name. That man had to die! Why wouldn't the one-eyed freak just fall down into a bottomless cavern in Wyoming or somewhere where no one would ever find him? That damn Boy Scout had to die. He would die … but that could wait till later. The two lovebirds and half the student's body had gone on a field trip for the afternoon leaving their room and the entire house unguarded. Logan laughed evilly. He'd finally have his prize … his silky, lovely, sexy little prize.

Wolverine smiled when he came to the door that guarded his prize like a wooden gargoyle. He silently extended a claw, careful not to attract any attention. He would have rather clawed up the pretty pine door into tiny little pieces, but he was sure … sort of sure … that Scott and Jean would notice that their door had been cut up into tiny little splinters. The mutant leaned down and stuck a claw into the keyhole… tick … tick … click! Wolverine growled with satisfaction as the door silently swung open.

The shadows danced in the abandoned room welcoming him to enter. Logan smiled as he slowly closed the door behind him. He could smell Jean all over the place with her lovely perfume … of course he could also smell Tight-ass's tangerine scent as well. Logan was good at selective hearing so why not selective smelling as well. "Jean, I shall have your heavenly scent forever more."

The man wandered in the slightly dark room with an evil grin on his face. "If I was the most beautiful thing in the house where would I hide?" The light suddenly shifted making Logan cast his eyes to the corner of the room and there it stood … the panty drawer. His smile only increased to that of a horny teenager as his fingers ran over the top of the chest of drawers. He popped open the drawer and suppressed a squeal of delight as he pulled out a yellow g-string thong. He was surprised by how wide the hips were and that they weren't made of a fine silk … but he didn't care as he pulled the little garment up to his nose and breathed it all in. It smelled so wonderful.

Logan smiled as he slowly pulled it away … but another scent caught his nose. Twinkies and … nail polish? There was a shift in the covers of the bed and two pairs of eyes glared up at him. The mutant yipped and drew his claws. Rogue rolled her eyes as both her and Jubilee crawled from under the bed. Wolverine tried not to blush as he quickly hid the tiny garment behind his back. "What are you two doing in here?"

"Nothing wolfy." Logan glared at the southern girl and she broke. Spilling her guts. "Okay … you see me and Jubilee made a bet. If Scott wore boxers or briefs."

"Or that he goes commando." The two mutants looked at Jubilee with horror.

Logan slapped himself as a mental image of Scott going commando slowly started to drip into his brain like a flesh eating mold. It would not pass. The thought just grew more and more real until the Canadian was rolling on he floor wailing. "My mind! My mind!"

Jubilee rolled her eyes. "Oh come on. Have you ever bothered to look at his ass? I mean just look at it. It's as if he's wearing nothing at all." She then made a small yummy sound as she stared into the darkness. Jubilee drooled for a moment more and then pushed Wolverine out of the way. "Move Wolfy. I want to see what the heavenly Boy Scout wears." The girl squealed in delight as she picked up an identical piece Logan had just sniffed, but it was red. "Oh … a man thong. We were both wrong."

Rogue peeked over her shoulder glad that she didn't have to shave Beast's feet next week. "Wow. No wonder Scott's such a tight ass. He wares nothing but banana hammocks."

Logan felt his stomach crash into his intestines and then explode. He dropped the little yellow pieced and threw his hands over his mouth. He was going to puke, hurl, and once he was done with that, he was going to cut his wrist over and over again until he finally bled to death. The older mutant felt his stomach turn and was about to spew his morning beans all over the floor if it wasn't for Kitty's little outburst.

"Oh my bloody lord Jesus." She hissed as her eyes turned the size of saucers.

"Teacher in front of us stupid!" Hissed Rogue as she hit the other girl in the back of the head. Logan looked kind of green and would probably just punish them to make himself feel better. She loved the big idiot, but he was sometimes an egotistical jerk.

"Fine. You stay here and explain to Scott why you're holding his undies! I'm hiding!" The girl stuffed Scott's red g-string into her back pocket and jumped under the bed. Rogue growled in her throat as the very pale looking Logan looked around nervously. "Don't worry Logan. I bet Jubilee was just trying to freak us out … what were you doing in here anyway?"

The older mutant looked up at her nervously as he felt his stomach do a flip. "I … I …

"I'm going to change quick Jean. I'll just be a minute." Scott's voice echoed over the halls like the call of death. Rogue whimpered and Logan stood up in a panic.

"Lets get out of here kid before captain tight ass finds us!" Wolverine threw Rogue over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes and reached for the doorknob. The brass handle moved before he even touched it.

"Oh … I forgot I lock the door." Came a muffled voice from the other side.

Logan swallowed. "We gotta hide." And with that said he looked around the room nervously. Where to hide? Where to hide? "Under the bed kid!" The older mutant threw the teenager under the bed and was about to crawl under himself when he realized … he couldn't fit. "Damn you Ororoand your wonderful cooking!" He started to panic as he looked around the room. Where to hide! He finally saw the bathroom door and ran for it. The last thing he needed was to be blown into a thousand little pieces. Logan quickly jumped into the tub and pulled the little ducky curtains closed. He sat there silently feeling the sweat poor down his forehead as he listened to Scott enter his room and walked around. He didn't know if he should worry about the two fugitives under the bed or himself. The girls had the cuteness factor … he just had a healing factor. Which he might add wasn't the best power in the world. If Scott found him, he could torture him endless times because he was unable to die… probably use horrible methods to drive him mad like Chinese water torture and bad porn. Bastard.

"Hey … why is my underwear drawer open? Well, I know it wasn't Logan. He would have gone straight for Jean's thongs." Scott's voice echoed over the room making the fugitive shudder. Never in his whole life had the Wolverine hidden from anybody, but his mind and body wasn't still overcoming the shock of … of … He'd never look at the color yellow the same again. Especially bananas.

…

It seemed like forever until the Boy Scout started to head for the door after about twenty minutes of making muscular poses in his full-length body mirror. Logan wished he had a camera. That would have been great black mail … but suddenly Scott stopped and smelled his armpit. "Uh … I got all sweaty from that little workout. Better take a shower. I'd like to have some loving tonight and I sure the hell ain't going to be getting me any smelling like this."

Logan would have growled if his stomach wasn't still overcoming the horror of Scott's underwear choice. That bastard was so pervert … and why was he talking to himself. Logan had to bring that small fact up to Chuck about his precious angel was going insane … after he escaped and killed himself a few times over that is. To the man's horror Cyclops opened the door to the bathroom. Wolverine felt his heart skip a beat. Why was he using this bathroom? Why not the one down the hall … of course he was going to use his own shower. The mutant would have slapped himself for being an idiot if he wasn't afraid of Scott overhearing his flesh hitting flesh and so he watched in utter horror as Scott started to hum … and then sing… and then dance.

"I'm too sexy for my love
too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me

I'm too sexy for my shirt
too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan
too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk
yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk"

Logan couldn't close his eyes out of pure petrified horror as wonder boy slowly pulled off his shirt revealing his six-pack.

"I'm too sexy for my car
too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat
what do you think about that

I'm a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk
yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I'm too sexy for my
too sexy for my
too sexy for my"

Throat barf caught in Logan's throat as the man slowly started to unbuckle his jeans … which then fell to his ankles. "Oh … I'm just too hot for my own good." Cooed Scott to himself as he rippled his pecks and stopped singing. Logan nearly fainted as he watch a lime green banana hammock fall to the floor in a pile next with the rest of his cloths. The older mutant was preparing for a fast death due to his incapacitation brought on by shock as Scott wrapped his fingers around the edge of the curtain ready to pull it to the side … then he stopped. "Silly me. I almost forgot to take off my visor. Charles would kill me if I ruined another one."

With a small click the visor was put on the sink and Cyclops wrapped his fingers around the shower curtain again. Wolverine watched in horror as a blind naked mutant pushed the curtain to the away, leaned over the side of the tub, and turned on the water. Wolverine whimpered as the water hit him and he tried to push himself a little closer to the wall. What the fuck was he thinking? Hiding in a shower. That was just stupid. That was even more stupid then the time he had agree to help Hank in the lab and ended up as the lab rat. That was even dumber then the time he played football in Ororo's rose garden. That was even stupider then the time he … Wolverine's lungs caught in his throat as one of Scott's nearly hairless legs stepped into the shower slowly followed by the rest of his body giving the poor mutant a full on view of Scott's ass. Logan would have screamed in utter terror if he could even breathe. He tried to look away as the whiteness glared at him along with the nasty little four-leaf cover tattoo on his ass. It was just too horrible! Logan pushed a little closer to the tiling out of desperation and –

"Squeaky." The horrified mutant froze and looked down. A little rubber ducky glared up at him as if laughing. Logan always knew those things were evil.

"Who's there?" Scott had heard the damn duck and was looking … if he could open his eyes that is … down at Wolverine.

Logan cried out in agony as he got a full frontal view of former tiny dick and wailed, "My eyes! They burn! Burn!" He continued to wail hysterically as he threw his hands over his eyes and staggered blindly out of the tub. The hysterical mutant then ran out of the bathroom slamming into the door, knocking it down, and setting him free to run down the hall screaming like a madman as he blindly went forward.

Scott wasn't sure what had just happened, but he grabbed his visor and ran out of the room sliding to a halt in the hallway. There was a chorus of 'oh my god's' and girlish giggles as the X-Men leader came to a stop face forward in front of a group of students. Beast gasped and stood there in utter shock as his brain tried to kick into reboot. Once it did, Hank quickly put his book in front of Scott's jewels trying to spare some of the student's innocence while hissing. "I understand that some men like to air themselves out after showering, but please for the mercy of my bio-chemistry book and the students, do it in your room and not in the hall."

…

Charles had just finished the final touches to his head waxing when he rolled into Cerbro. His wheelchair came to a screeching halt when he saw Wolverine curled up into the fetal position sucking his thumb under Cerbro's control panel. His eyes were wide open and he seemed to be in some sort of shock.

"Logan … what's wrong?" Professor X stated wearily. He was wondering if Hank had tried some horrible experiment on the healing mutant again. He should have really set boundaries when it came to experimenting on Wolverine… but not to many.

The man ideally sucked on his thumb for a moment more until he looked up at Xavier and whispered in a frightened child's voice. "Four leaf clovers scare me."

Charles looked at him for a moment and then it struck him. "You mean you had a nightmare about the Care Bears again about the one bear that has a clover on his belly?"

Wolverine snapped out of it and rose to his feet with a growl. "No!" The psychic glared at him with 'I'll make you believe you're a rabid monkey look'. Logan lowered his voice. "No … I didn't have one of those nightmares… It's just... It's just." Wolverine's brain stung at the thought. "Did you know your perfect leader has a tattoo on his ass?"

Professor stared at him dully. "Really … I must ask to see that. It's probably adorable knowing that boy scout … I mean Scott," Logan whimpered. "Oh … I mean there, there Logan. You want to jump off Cerbro's cat walk now or later?"

XXX

Paw07: I wrote this for a good laugh so I'm not ditching any social group or X-men character.