"Feline Trouble" by The Kitty Chicks

Title: "Feline Trouble"
Authors: The Kitty Chicks (aka Krissy Mae Anderson & MistoKitt)
Summary: "Rodney's turned into a telepathic cat." Co-written with MistoKitt, and reposted here with her kindly permission. Slashy!
Rating: K plus
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard (sort of.)
Disclaimer: The boys don't belong to us, alas, although the Evil Cat People do.
Authors' note: It all started when Krissy Mae Anderson got a weird plotbunny, and told MistoKitt about it and the rest is history... Also, a big "thank you" to jenra who looked this chapter over for us.

Elizabeth knew that her day had gone from bad to worse when Major Sheppard emerged from the Stargate with a large cat in his arms, and she
heard Dr. McKay's voice swearing in her mind. She almost didn't want to ask, but unfortunately she knew that she had no choice in the matter.

"Where's Rodney?" She looked directly at John as the Stargate shut off behind the team and fervently hoped that there was some kind of a straightforward explanation.

John lifted the morose-looking feline up a little bit. "That's him."

Hey! Rodney's voice cried out somewhat indignantly, Do you MIND? How would you like it if I stuck my hands under your armpits and displayed you for the whole world to see?

John smirked and went back to cradling the cat in his arms, not looking at all apologetic for what he'd just done.

"Please tell me that I'm horribly wrong about what I'm thinking here, Major." Elizabeth narrowed her eyes and frowned at the cat.

"No, you're not wrong. And this is not a hallucination." The cat gave Elizabeth a dirty look, and sneezed. "Gesundheit," John said to the cat, and continued, "Rodney's turned into a telepathic cat."

Ford chose that moment to start snickering uncontrollably.

"A telepathic... cat." Elizabeth said, looking from John to the cat and back to John again.

The cat made a swipe at Ford, but John yanked him away before his claws had a chance to sink into the Marine's arm.

"Now, now, Rodney, you've got to admit that your condition's a bit - interesting," John said, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly.

Interesting? I'd like to see you overcome with the urge to eat tuna straight out of the can, chase a shadow across the room aimlessly, then go curl up somewhere warm and just nap for the next twelve hours straight. Then maybe you wouldn't think it was so 'interesting'. Wait, what am I saying, that sounds like you already.

"How did this happen?" Elizabeth asked, resisting an urge to rub her temples. The mild headache she had before was being amplified by McKay's voice talking inside her head, and the only good thing about the situation that she could see was that Sheppard hadn't been turned into a cat instead. It would have been awfully hard to explain to Earth that their armed forces on Atlantis were commanded by a pussy-cat.

Ford jumped in on that one before John could even open his mouth to explain. "Well, you see, there was this race of Evil Cat People..."

Evil Cat People? Remind me again why we aren't letting you name things anymore?

Ford continued as if Rodney hadn't interrupted, "They seem to think that humans are the equivalent of, well, pets." Ford smiled brightly, as if this were the funniest thing he'd heard all month.

"The Maurith, as they call themselves, look like what the Major says is a 'housecat', but are very intelligent," Teyla finally spoke up. "Upon negotiating with them, we had discovered that their race is quite advanced technologically-"

Advanced only theoretically! Rodney interrupted again. Because they can't build anything looking like this!

"Rodney, they turned you into a cat. I don't think just how advanced they are is either theoretical or in question any more," John said,
almost gently.

Oh sure, morph one scientist into a housepet and suddenly everybody is all 'Oooh' and 'Aaah'. I didn't see them coming up with ways to save our collective asses from the Wraith! I didn't see any ZPMs just lying around their planet!

"I don't see any ZPMs lying around here either," John said, smirking again.

NOT my point. In any case, it's just a parlour trick, it'll wear off eventually.

"You hope." Ford muttered under his breath, looking like he was trying desperately not to laugh again.

This time, John didn't grab Rodney in time, and Ford discovered that being turned into a cat made Rodney much more belligerent than usual.

"Get - him - off!" Ford yelled, swatting at the gray blur that was attempting to shred his pant leg and probably sever an artery.

"Be careful, Lieutenant, don't hurt Doctor McKay!" Elizabeth entreated, wondering if Dr. Beckett would be nice enough to let her have a whole bottle of aspirin.

"Hurt HIM!" Ford practically bellowed, attempting to detach Rodney from his leg without losing any more skin then absolutely necessary.

"Rodney," John's voice was low and dangerous, "let the nice Lieutenant go."

Are you kidding me? I may never get this opportunity again! Rodney's claws dug in deeper. Ford emitted a somewhat high-pitched noise. Teyla, normally fairly stoic, seemed to be turning an off shade of purple. Elizabeth wondered if she could get a morphine drip instead of the aspirin.

"I won't feed you if you don't let go right now, Rodney," John said, trying to help Ford extract Rodney's claws.

Rodney let go almost instantly. Fine, but you use that against me again and I'm going to refer to you as my personal can opener for the rest of eternity.

"Lieutenant, you should go over to the infirmary and get checked out," Elizabeth said, very much wanting to join him. "And Rodney, you should probably also be checked out, but that can wait until Dr. Beckett is done with Lieutenant Ford. We're going to have a meeting about this - situation in two hours."

Whatever. Rodney licked his whiskers. What's for dinner today?