The Return of the Jedi - The Parody -
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Disclaimer - Whoa! Disclaimer out of nowhere ! Here's the pitch, it's a high fly Star Wars and I don't own it out to left center field, it's going !! Going !! NOT MINE!!! Can you believe it folks?! Bottom of the ninth inning and no Star Wars ownership by Super_Tinfoil_Man_Part2, this just blows my goddamn socks off sports fans!!
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One day, when I'm older, I'm going to try and swim up that stream. The stream everyone said couldn't be swam up. I'm going to jump in it, regardless what anyone says. On that day, that one important day of my life, they'll say - there goes that guy, that guy who wouldn't shut the hell up about swimming up stream all his life, well there he goes - that'll be the day.
Admiral Ackar, overheard at a local bar, blubbering like the drunk that he is.
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Chapter 13 - Final chapter -
" Holy lord Jesus Christ ! That blast came from the Death Star! " Lando screamed into the comlink.
" Everyone, get the hell outta dodge right now! " Ackbar ordered cowardly.
" We won't get another chance at this admiral. " Lando shook his head twice, then a third time just for show.
" We won't last long against the power of that super weapon. " Ackbar said dramatically, then he hit a control on the side of his armrest by accident, his chair quickly wheeled off the bridge leaving his crew alone. They sat there, waiting for the Admiral to return. One fish headed crew member coughed.
" What was that? " Another fishhead asked him.
" Nothing, I just coughed. " He said. More silence followed.
Then more silence.
A little bit more.
The bridge door opened, then closed again. Then it made a hissing noise without opening. Then it opened and closed with no hissing noise. Then the door opened and hissed at the same time, then closed again. The crew sat there in silence.
" What the hell is going on over there, a pow-wow? This ain't no time for no pow-wows! " Lando started to panic while manuevering the Falcon around a wave of TIE fighters and red laser beams.
Ackbar's crew still waited. Then they finally let out a sigh of releaf when the bridge door opened, but it hissed and shut again. Then it opened and Ackar zoomed into the bridge on his chair, spinning wildly out of control, it came to a violent stop at the command console.
" Fucking automatic piece of goddamn worthless trash! I travelled the length of the hallways about seven fucking times! What blind son of a bitch built these fucking chairs anyway!!? " Ackbar's fishhead was beat red, his crew stood there gawking at the admiral in shock.
" Admiral! You were saying something before! " Lando came over the comlink again.
" Yes, we won't last long against that super weapon! " Ackar announced, with little drama this time.
" We'll have to engage those Star Destroyers, with luck we'll take a few of them with us! " Lando tried.
" What ? What are you stupid or something Calrissian ? I just witnessed the super weapon destroy a Y-Wing, that's nothing compared to getting shredded to Wheat in that maze of destroyers. Get off the crack man ! " With that, Ackbar's chair quickly zoomed him off the bridge again unannounced.
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In the throne room ................
Clash !!! CRACK CRACK !!! CLASH !!! Luke and Darth Vader, father and son, fought with every ounce of the force as they furiously clashed blue and red lightsabers together in a symphony of violence, all to the Emperor's delight.
Luke clashed his lightsaber in an extremely fancy left-right cross cut, fooling his father, Darth Vader fell backwards down a flight of specialised throne room steps. Luke stood at the top of the steps looking down at the dark lord.
" Good !! Good !! Use your aggressive feelings boy !! Let the hate flow through you, like a really bad Taco from Taco Shell. " The Emperor edged Luke on from his throne.
Luke looked back at the Emperor, then he turned and looked at his father, he looked at his hand, then his foot, then back at the Emperor, then he looked over at a viewport on the elevator where the Red Guard was peeking in at the action, then he looked at Vader again. He looked at the activation stud on his lightsaber, he looked at his thumb as it deactivated the lightsaber.
" Obi-Wan has taught you well. " Vader said as he reached the top of the stairs, for some strange reason, his black boots were making sneaker squeeks on the stairs.
" I will not fight you father. " Luke said gently as he looked at his dad. Weapon deactivated at his side.
" You are unwise to LOWER YOUR......." Vader didn't get to finish his sentence as his boot caught part of his black cloak, he fell awkwardly onto his belly. His own deactivated lightsaber slid towards the Emperor's feet. The Emperor slapped his own face inside the palm of his hand.
" I meant to do that, yes. Just to show you that the force can work in ways that are unexpected. " Vader tried to sound menacing as he stood up, he held his back as he reached out with his other gloved hand and tried to retrieve his lightsaber using the force. His saber only wiggled a little at the Emperor's feet.
" Heh heh. Koooo Paaaa! Kooooo Paaaaa! " Vader sounded nervous as he reached out with the force again to try and make the weapon fly gracefully into his hand, the lightsaber only moved a few inches then stopped.
" Fuck it. " Vader stomped over to the weapon and grabbed it off of the floor. He stomped back in front of Luke and pointed in his face.
" Let this be a lesson learned boy, you can't always depend on the force to win every fight for you! " With that , Vader activated his red laser sword, but he was holding it backwards. His cyborg hand fell to the floor, severed. Vader fell to his side, his breathing laboured. He did a little pathetic half crawl away from Luke as he held his other hand up in a show of mercy.
The Emperor stood up with a super sized smile on his face, " Good, gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . Now , strike that useless pile of scrap metal down and take your fathers place at my side! "
" LET'S GO EMPEROR! " The Red Guard chanted from the elevator. A stern look from the sith lord sent the guard out of view.
Luke took a heavy breath, then looked at his own gloved, cybord hand. Then he looked at his fathers stump, then he looked at his own hand again. He turned towards the Emperor with a defiant look on his face now, " You lose, old man. I'm a Jedi, like my father before me. " He gave his lightsaber a sideways throw to the floor.
The lightsaber skidded across the floor and fell inside a gap in a metal grate, the sword then clanked down a long series of dirty pipes and rolled on another spider designed grate onto a thin rubber escalator, the sword then dropped onto a metal pipe and clanked its way down further to a series of wires. The sword got tangled in the wires, a blue wire wrapped around the activation stud and the sword came alive, it cut its way free of the wires then easily melted right through a chrome colored floor, the sword fell through a long free space inside a large room, it then landed on an exhaust pipe of the super generator, it started to melt its way through the pipe. The Death Star began its long run of final explosions after this.
" If you won't join me, then you will die! " The Emperor shot Luke with a two handed sith lightning blast! CRACK!!!
SIZZLE !!!!
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On the Moon of Endor .............
Han stood in front of a large switch that read : SHIELD GENERATOR - ON - OFF -
" I can't crack the code, I'm not a computer slicer. " Han lowered his head in shame. Leia walked up behind Han, one of her arms were completely severed from a laser blast, she playfully rubbed her severed stump on Han's cheek, leaving gross blood smears all over it.
" Tell you what guys, let me handle this. " Chewbacca walked into the room, casually.
" I didn't know you spoke basic, you old furball. Coulda saved everyone the trouble of all that annoying barking noises. Like Warggg, WAh wah wah! " Han chided his old friend.
" Don't forget YEARGGGG !! " Leia added then laughed.
" Shut up. " Chewbacca then turned the switch to the OFF position. He then took his mask off revealing Will Farrell.
" It's o.k that my mask wasn't movie quality. " Will said.
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In the large space fight around the Death Star ..........
" The shields down! I knew he could do it ! " Lando screamed in joy.
" The Death Star is already blowing up! SISTERS ! " Gay leader reported.
" Wow, we better not tell Han about this, just let him feel like his mission actually meant something, is that clear everyone? " Lando started to sweat.
" Red Leader, standing by. " Red leader reported in, far away from the action.
" What the hell, Red Leader, is your com broken again? " Ackbar jumped into the conversation.
" Lock S-Foils into Get The Hell Outta Here positions! " Wedge commanded.
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On the bridge of Star Destroyer 17 ...............
Commander Davis watched as all the Empire started to crumble and explode around him. Turbo lasers were somehow missing the giant rebel cruise ship right next to them.
" Look, subserviceman Charles, " Davis said, pointing into space, " Look at that Falcon ship, he's clearly hacking. Notice how he never misses a shot and turns impossibly towards every little TIE fighter. Damn rebels don't play fair. I'm logging off. There's too much lag anyway. "
STAR DESTROYER 17 has left the game....
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In the throne room .....................
Luke was convulsing on the floor as blue cracks of lightning surged all around his body. The Emperor seemed pleased at this.
" Now, at the end do you finally understand. Now, you will die, Jedi. " The Emperor did a pathetically slow spin move then blasted Luke again with the Sith Lightning.
" Owwww, owwwww !!! It huuuuuuuurts !! " Luke was in pain. Vader slowly made his way to his feet and stood next to his master to watch the fun.
Bail Organa barged into the room with a bottle of wine in his hand and a sexy green alien woman hanging off of his elbow, they both laughed really loud as they entered.
" Can you believe the crappy...... " Bail quickly stopped talking when he saw the scene before him.
" Do you mind? Killing a Jedi here. " The Emperor said as he zapped Luke.
" Sorry. " Bail quickly left.
" Father, please !!! " Luke reached out his hand as the electricity started to fry his innards.
Vader looked at his son, then back at his master, who was now chewing on his tongue in concentration, then back at his son, then back at his master. He then looked at his son, then his master twice, his son a few more times, his master, son, son, master, master, son, son, son, master.....
" FATHER, MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!! I NEED TO PEE !!! " Luke screamed.
Vader grabbed the Emperor and pressed him over his head, he then twirled around the emperor and stood on top of the rail that overlooked a long chasm, he was getting shocked with lightning during these actions. He gave his former master a suplex off of the rail into the chasm, the emperor screamed like a little girl as he fell to his doom.
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Meanwhile.....on Cloud City ???
Lando and the rebel fleet sat around a huge bar in the middle of the city. They laughed and joked about the victory, even though they didn't actually see the Death Star blow up yet. Ackbar was getting really drunk already.
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Back in the throne room .............
Luke sat his father dow....
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On the moon .......
" You love him, don't you. " Han gulped. " You want to have a relationship with him, and not me. " Han started crying.
" He's my brother. "
Han threw up.
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Back in the throne room .............
" Luke, take this mask off so ........ "
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At a party on Naboo ..........
" Oh my god !! I LOVE this song! " Kit Fisto screamed then started dancing like a wild man.
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Back in the throne room ......
" Boy, let's hope that the scene doesn't change again. " Vader said, laying down in front of Luke.
" Golly jeepers pop, I sure hope it doesn't ! " Luke shook his head and snapped his fingers.
" Promise me you will never do that .....(cough)....again. " Vader made a fist with his good hand.
" I promise. " Luke started to tear up.
" Take this mask off.....so I can see you.....with my OWN eyes! " Vader was fading fast.
Luke undid some clips on the side of the mask, a huge panel exploded beside him in the hanger bay as stormtroopers screamed and ran for their lives. Luke upclipped another strap and a thin pencil sized shot of steam hissed out, he then ripped off a strip of velcro from the back of the mask, he undid more straps but the mask was still too tight to pull off.
" On second father. " Luke said as he stood up, he put his foot on Vader's chest for leverage as he pulled on the mask with both hands.
" Don't....forget. Dieing here. " Vader wheezed.
" There's a buckle caught on this thing... " Luke stood up frustrated, he grabbed a sledgehammer and started to pound on the side of the mask to free it.
The mask finally popped off. It was Rodney Dangerfield.
" Jeez! Getta load of real sight huh? What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my father tripped me! My wife and I were happy for twenty years! Then we met. My mother, jeez! the woman never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. " Dangerfield had a scar on his forehead.
" Father shh, shh now. " Luke patted his fathers head.
" Jeez kid, get some face whipes for those pimples. As a kid I had alot of pimples too, one day I fell asleep in a library, I woke up and a blind man was reading my face ! "
" It's o.k, shh shh. " Luke started to gently strangle Vaderfield to death.
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On the moon ...... three hours later.......
The Ewoks and the gang were having a huge celebration. Luke was off to one side, burning the black mask and armor of Darth Vader. Han came by with a stick with a marshmellow on it, he started to melt it over the fire when Luke gave him a stern look. " Sorry kid. "
Obi-Wan, Yoda and Rodney Dangerfield ghosts appeared in the woods, staring at Luke. Luke waved and smiled over at them. Rodney Vaderfield had a sour expression on his face.
" What are you wavin' at kid? " Han looked over in the woods, he couldn't see anything.
" Leave me alone will you! " Luke shoved Han on to his bottom. Han rolled down the hill and crashed through the fire while everyone danced and hugged around it.
" He's going to make a fine Jedi master. " Obi-Wan's ghost image said to his friends.
" Yes, but lies I hope he doesn't tell. Like other Jedi masters, one's who are older, ones who are standing right next to me. Liar you are! " Yoda croaked.
" Jeez! I was tired once and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, " What'll you have? " I said, " Surprise me. " He showed me a naked picture of my wife. " Vaderfield said. Yoda and Obi-Wan walked away.
" I tell ya! I get no respect. No respect ! "
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The End