"More Comfortable in Hell"
Sometime in the middle of the night that night, Audrey woke up to the faint sound of screaming. She didn't have to think to figure out what was going on. It was a scenario she had witnessed many times before, and she instinctively got up and started heading toward the spare bedroom. When she was almost there, she stopped for a second, wondering if she should still go in. After hesitating for a moment she pushed open the door and ran to the side of the bed.
"Jack, wake up," she whispered, shaking him gently. "Jack, it's just a dream. I'm here," she urged. His eyes snapped open and he looked at her confused.
"You were having a nightmare. It's going to be okay, I promise."
He looked at her suspiciously. She wasn't sure if that was because he was still coming to or because he didn't know what she was doing there.
"Stay here. I'll be right back," she said firmly.
She went into the bathroom across the hall and returned a minute later with a cold washcloth and a fresh pair of sheets. She instinctively went to wipe his forehead with the washcloth, but then hesitated and handed it to him awkwardly. He nodded a silent thanks and wiped his forehead as she started to change the sheets.
"I've got that. Don't worry about it," he muttered. "Just go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up."
"I wasn't asleep," she replied matter-of-factly and continued to make the bed. When she finished, she stood there awkwardly, not wanting to go but feeling like she needed a reason to stay.
Jack sat on the edge of the bed brooding, still recovering from the nightmare. Audrey could tell that he was shaken up, so she cautiously walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently. He shook his head, still staring down at the floor. Something shiny caught his attention, and he looked bewildered when he noticed that she was wearing what had been her engagement ring.
"I woke up a little while ago looking for it," she explained when she saw his expression. "I dreamt that I wore it when I went out last night but I was so drunk that I didn't notice when I dropped it in the sewer. I went downstairs and found it and I just kept staring at it and then I started crying and for some reason I decided to try it on and when I did somehow I felt a little better...how's that for irony?"
Jack sighed. He had heard her crying earlier and he wanted to go see what was wrong but he was afraid to. It wasn't his place anymore, and he knew he had to give her her space and let her work this out on her own.
She slid the ring off her finger dejectedly and tried to hand it to him, but he pushed it away. "You keep it," he said firmly. She nodded and clutched it in the palm of her hand, knowing it's not right to put it back on but not wanting to let go of it either.
"Last night..." she continued, but he cut her off.
"Audrey, you've already apologized," he said almost coldly. "You don't need to say anything else."
"Yeah, I do, Jack," she said firmly. "Please, just let me explain."
"Why? No matter what you say, it's not going to change the situation."
"You're right. I'm sorry," she said, getting up hastily and moving toward the door. He didn't look up at first, until he heard a gentle sob. She turned her head and ran out of the room, not wanting him to see her cry.
"Audrey!" he called after her. She turned around and looked back into the room cautiously. He motioned for her to come back in, so she entered just a little bit, lingering in the doorway.
"What were you going to say?" he asked gently.
"Nothing, forget it," she said, and turned to leave again.
"Come on," he pleaded.
She glanced toward the bed, and he nodded for her to come sit back down. She took a deep breath and then began slowly.
"Jack, I had a dream the other night that you got killed in the line of duty while you were on one of your missions. And I had a similar dream the night before that, and the night before that. Whenever you're away I get scared...I can't stand the thought of something happening to you. After you disappeared my friends tried to get me to go out to bars with them. Even my dad was encouraging me to go out and meet people but I didn't want to. I went out a few times and whenever I did all I wanted to do was come home and cuddle up in your comfy brown sweatshirt and fall asleep pretending that you were there with me. If anything ever happened to you, I can't imagine that I'd ever want to go out and meet anyone else, but last night, I found myself just wanting to know that I could...that I was still capable of meeting new people...somehow I thought that would be a little bit comforting...I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but I just want you to know that I wasn't trying to send you a message by leaving my ring at home...if I knew you were coming home I never would have gone out in the first place. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, and I just want you to know how sorry I am."
Jack was silent for a minute, processing everything she said.
"Why didn't you talk to me about how you were feeling?" he asked in a tone that was a combination of resentment and regret.
"I didn't feel right about it," she answered. "I know that these missions are part of your job and that you're good at them, and I know that that's what you love to do and that's what you're meant to do...you belong in that world, Jack, and who am I to stand in the way of that? And who was I to complain when I'm at work from early in the morning until late at night?"
"Audrey, we were going to get married, spend the rest of our lives together. You had every right to stand in the way...I should have talked to you before accepting this job. I should have thought about how my being away was making you feel. I just wish you'd said something."
"I was afraid to," she admitted. "I was afraid..."
Her voice trailed off as she tried to figure out how to say what she needed to say.
"What is it?" Jack asked gently.
"The day before you disappeared, when you and Paul were missing after the EMP attack at McLennon Forrester, Tony came over and asked me how I was coping with everything, with you being out in the field and all. Then he asked if I thought you would go back to your job at DOD after the day was over, and I thought he was crazy. I couldn't understand for the life of me why you would want to go back to that hell of constantly being in danger and having to make horrible decisions. But he said some people are more comfortable in hell...at the time I think he was talking about himself as much as about you but there's a part of me that can't help but think that he was right...since you came back there's been a part of me that's scared that one day you'll just get restless and disappear again because you're afraid of getting too close or being too happy. When you told me about this job, I had my reservations, but I thought maybe if you had a job like that it would be enough stimulation and risk to keep you from leaving...I thought I could handle it but I guess I was wrong..."
Her voice trailed off, and they sat silently as he contemplated her words. After a minute, he spoke softly.
"I wish I could tell you that Tony was completely wrong but he wasn't. As much as I hate to admit it, there's a part of me that's afraid of becoming too attached or too content. With everything I've been through, I guess it's become easier to have nothing left to lose...but just because I'm more comfortable in hell doesn't mean that's how I want to live my life."
He paused for a moment and just looked at Audrey, trying to gauge her reaction, but her face was hard to read. He thought he may have seen a glimmer of hope after his last words but it was hard to be sure.
"I think you were right about Tony referring as much to his own situation as mine," Jack continued after a minute. "And you probably know this, but after that day, Tony made the decision to stop living in hell. He and Michelle decided to leave CTU and start over, and for their last year and a half they got to be together and really do it right now that they didn't have the stress of CTU to get in the way. As hard as their deaths have been to accept, as much guilt as I feel over my own role in it, I sleep easier at night knowing that they got to spend that time together, that they got a chance to really live and enjoy their lives together."
"Jack..." Audrey began, but Jack cut her off.
"Please, just let me try to get this out," he pleaded. Audrey nodded reassuringly.
"When you heard me screaming earlier, I was having a nightmare about Operation Nightfall."
"Operation Nightfall?" Audrey asked. She was familiar with the mission from when she worked as a legislative aide to the House Armed Services Committee but she didn't remember Jack ever talking about it.
"When I came back from the mission, I was haunted by what I had experienced...I blamed myself for the loss of my men, and I found myself retreating inward...I rationalized that Teri didn't have a security clearance and wasn't authorized to know about the mission, but the truth is, I was scared...I don't think I would have let her in even if she had proper clearance...I shut her out, and I pushed her away. We were separated for a while, and we decided to give it another try less than a week before she died. The night before she was killed, my daughter had snuck out of the house to go meet some guys her friend knew, and a man called Teri claiming to be the father of Kim's friend. So they went and drove around looking for the girls while I had to be at work because of a priority alert regarding a planned attempt on then-Senator David Palmer's life. It turns out the man who called my wife was a terrorist who was working for the warlord we thought we had killed, and everything at work and at home turned out to be connected. But before Teri knew who this guy was, she must have confided in him some of the frustrations she felt about my job and the strains it put on our relationship, because when I captured him later, he said something along the lines of 'do you think playing the hero is going to save your failing marriage?' He told me that she felt scared and alone, and I haven't thought about any of that in a long time, but when I had that dream about Operation Nightfall his words kept echoing in my head...I'm realizing now that maybe I had that dream for a reason. Maybe it was a warning designed to make me wake up and realize I'm making the same mistakes all over again."
"Jack, what are you trying to say?" Audrey asked slowly, her voice suddenly sounding anxious yet slightly hopeful. Jack took a deep breath.
"I guess I'm trying to say...I'm saying that I don't want to live in hell anymore," he admitted, his voice cracking as tears began to fall.
"Jack..." Audrey said softly, instinctively wrapping her arms around him and pulling him toward her. Jack didn't resist, but he looked away, not quite ready to look her in the eye. She just held him and stroked his arm as he slowly stopped trying to fight the groundswell of tears and let down his guard.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and willed himself to look up at her. He was relieved to see the look of compassion and concern on her face. She touched his cheek softly and wiped away a lingering tear. He took a deep breath before continuing.
"When I first moved back here, I told myself that I was starting over, that I was going to put the past behind me and focus on starting our life together. But I'm realizing now that I didn't do that as much as I wanted to...by taking this job I was essentially falling back on what was comfortable without remembering that jobs like this can destroy a relationship no matter how much people love each other."
"I hate coming home to an empty house at night," Audrey admitted tearfully. "I hate worrying that something's going to happen to you. I hate not knowing when you're going to have to go away and how long you'll be gone for. The other day, when I got back from Russia I was so excited to see you...the trip was really successful and I was dying to tell you all about it, and when I got your note I was so disappointed that I got irrationally angry and I started questioning whether this could work...and I know that I have no right to complain, because I work long hours and I travel all the time. I know that you love what you do and I could never ask you to leave that..."
"What if you didn't have to ask?" Jack asked suddenly, catching her off guard. "What if I told you I had already made up my mind, that I had already come to that decision on my own?"
"Jack..." she began hesitantly, tears brimming in her eyes.
"Audrey, I know we made a decision earlier," he continued, "and I won't blame you if you want to stick to it. I'll move out tomorrow morning if that's what you want, and I'd understand completely if you think it's too late to try to fix things. I can't promise that I'll never let my instinct get the best of me, and if I were ever in a situation where I was called upon or saw the need to intervene in order to save lives and serve this country in the event of a crisis I can't promise that I could walk away. As much as I tried to ignore it in the bliss of getting to be together again, I'm still haunted by the past, and I still have a lot of issues to work out. I can't promise that it'll be easy, or that there won't be times when I have the urge to shut you out or push you away. I can't promise you that our lives will ever be a walk in the park. But I can promise you that if we gave things another try I would do everything in my power to make it work, because you're the only reason I even care whether I come home from a mission alive, and I want the chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved and live every day we have together to the fullest. I love you, and I can't stand the thought of losing you again..." his voice trailed off with a fresh round of tears.
"Oh, Jack..." Audrey said softly, tears streaming down her cheeks. She opened her mouth to speak but somehow she couldn't find the words, so instead she grabbed his head and surprised him and herself by kissing him with everything she had. He took a second to recover, then wrapped his arms around her and pulled her toward him.
"Come here," he whispered, and then kissed her back with all the strength he could muster. They sat there for several minutes, drinking each other in as if they depended on each other for oxygen, holding each other tightly and letting all of their emotions out. "I love you...so much," Audrey whispered, hugging him as tightly as she possibly could and burying her head in his chest. "I love you too," Jack whispered in a low voice. "G-d, I love you."
Their gazes landed upon Audrey's engagement ring, which she had carefully set down on the night-stand when Jack started crying so she could hold him. They looked at each other awkwardly until Audrey broke the ice.
"Jack, I know we need to give it time and see if we can make this work. I guess it would be premature to talk about wedding arrangements when we're still trying to get our lives together...but for right now, is it okay if I still wear this?" she asked shyly, her eyes nervous as she awaited his response.
"Come here," he whispered, and held out his hand for her to give him the ring. She smiled at he gently slid it back onto her ring finger and kissed her hand. "No dropping it in the sewer though, okay?" She chuckled a little, then leaned up and kissed him softly.
"I feel like such an idiot," she admitted. "I can't believe I drank so much...I feel like a stupid college freshman."
"Hey, you wanted a night out and you went a little too far. You're entitled," Jack said softly. In light of what she had told him his reaction to what she had done seemed overblown. He didn't have to ask to know that she hadn't actually done anything besides maybe dance with a couple of guys, and he knew she hadn't meant to hurt him.
The mood turned a little more serious again as she realized that there was one more thing they had to discuss. "Jack, I know my job is stressful too, and it requires long hours and a lot of focus...if you think it's going to get in the way I'll give it up...I can find something else to do that doesn't require me to travel or come home late at night."
Jack was quiet for a minute as he considered. "What if I came back to work with you?" he asked after a minute, a slight smile forming on his face.
Audrey looked happy but confused. "I thought..."
"I talked to your father earlier," Jack explained. "He called me to ask if I could get some information from the CIA that bureaucratic red tape has prevented him from being able to get, but I think his main objective was to try to make me realize what an idiot I was being. Anyways, he told me that if I ever wanted to come back to work at DOD he'd find a spot for me, and I told him I'd think about it. And I thought about it, and I started to remember how much I liked working together. We had to keep it professional, and I wouldn't exactly call it quality time together, but I liked knowing that your office was right down the hall from mine. I liked being able to have lunch with you and occasionally whisper things in your ear that were designed to motivate you to get through a project but probably ended up being more distracting than anything."
Audrey grinned and blushed a little.
"To be honest, I don't know why I was so against going back there in the first place...I guess I was afraid that I would keep getting in trouble and constantly pissing your father off by challenging or ignoring bureaucratic protocols, and I didn't want to put you or him in an uncomfortable position."
Audrey smiled mischievously. "I think I can help keep you in line," she whispered seductively in his ear.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. From now on, every time you misbehave at work, you're sleeping in here," she said with a grin, enjoying the look on his face as he mulls that over.
"Fair enough," he said after a minute. "But on days that I do behave, do I get rewarded?"
She smiled slyly. "It think that can be arranged."
He smiled back and leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.
"You know," he said with a mischievous look on his face, "at some point before I start you're going to have to remind me what I'll be missing if I don't behave."
She grinned. "Don't worry, I'll make sure that gets taken care of," she said in a businesslike tone. "Actually, I was thinking that maybe before you start I could convince my dad to give me a few days off and we could take a little vacation."
"Oh yeah? What did you have in mind?"
"I don't know. We could go down to Williamsburg or up to Baltimore or out to a country inn in Western Maryland...there are a lot of good short trip destinations within a few hours of DC."
"Is there anywhere to go skiing?" Jack asked. Audrey chuckled, remembering how he had whined about how anxious he was to see snow the first winter he was in DC. For some reason, that winter and the current one had been particularly warm and he still had yet to see any snow.
"Yeah, we could do that. I don't think we'll have time to go to Colorado but we could go up to Vermont or even the Poconos."
"Is that where the streetlights are shaped like Hershey Kisses?" Jack asked. Audrey chuckled.
"You mean Hershey, PA? It's not right in the Poconos, but it's the same general direction. If I could get a three or four day weekend we could do both. Is that what you want to do?"
"Yeah," he said with a smile. She leaned in and kissed him softly.
"Come here, you," he whispered before scooping her up like a baby and carrying her back into her bedroom. When he laid her down on the bed he noticed her clutching the side of her head.
"What's wrong?" he asked gently.
"Nothing, I just have a little bit of a headache...I guess it's from crying like a baby when I'm still recovering from a hangover."
"Here, let me get you some Advil." He disappeared into the bathroom and came back a minute later with two tablets and a cup of water. He realized that he was so wrapped up in his anger this morning that he hadn't even thought to ask how she was feeling.
"Thanks," she said with a smile. He leaned over and kissed her gently, then walked over toward the door.
"I'll be right back," he promised as he saw her questioning look. He walked back to the spare bedroom and opened one of the dresser drawers, where he had been surprised to find most of his clothes still arranged as if they were waiting for him to come back when he first moved in. He couldn't believe she'd kept everything, but she said she wasn't ready to get rid of it. He rummaged through the drawer and pulled something out of it, then walks back to the bedroom. Audrey smiled and chuckled a little when she saw him carrying the brown sweatshirt she had mentioned earlier.
"I thought this might make you feel a little better," he explained as he helped her put it on. It was way too big on her but she didn't care. The night before Jack had disappeared, she woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, undoubtedly the result of a scary movie he had somehow convinced her to see. After calming her down Jack had noticed that she was shivering, so he reached into his suitcase and the sweatshirt was the first thing he pulled out. During the eighteen months he was gone the sweatshirt became her security blanket, something she put on whenever she missed him.
Jack walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in next to her, drawing her head onto his chest. "Close your eyes," he whispered softly. She did as she was told and moaned contentedly as he began to massage her temples. He always did this when she was anxious or had a headache, and no matter how stressed she was it always made her feel better. It was one of the many little things about him that she had missed so much when he was away. After a few minutes he saw her nodding off in his arms. She opened her eyes for a minute as if she was trying to fight the sleepiness.
"Go to sleep, sweetie. I've got you, I promise," he whispered. He leaned his head down and kissed the top of her head softly. She turned onto her side with her head resting on his chest, and within minutes she was asleep. Jack stayed awake for another few minutes, just watching her and relishing the feel of her body up against his. She looked like an angel as always, and as he closed his eyes, he felt confident that she was still his angel. She had rescued him from the depths of despair more than once already, and he knew she would be there no matter how much he struggled to overcome the past. He was scared, but at the same time more hopeful than he'd been in a long time. He resolved that tomorrow he would spend the entire day with her, no interruptions. He looked at the shiny ring on her finger and smiled. Tomorrow they would start their life together in earnest, and it might not be easy but he knew they could make it. He had another chance, and he was going to make the most of it, because he didn't want to live in hell anymore.
That's all for now...not sure if I want it to end here or if I am going to continue it...I have some ideas for future chapters but I have so many other unfinished fics so I am not sure...if you really want more let me know and I will consider it. Thanks for reading...hopefully I'll have either a new story or another chapter of one of my other stories up soon. If you get a chance I'd love to know what you think. Thanks again to Joe's Girl for letting me borrow her story.