Twenty Questions, Part 17: Opposing Counsel

Author's Note: I recommend being pretty familiar with the Will and Grace scenes of "A Buncha White Chicks Sittin' Around Talkin'." It's funnier that way – you'll see why.

September, 2024

Jack and Karen sat side-by-side on a plush red couch looking off in opposite directions. Behind them, the New York City skyline was visible through the large window. Karen folded her hands neatly in her lap, eyes grazing over the dark wooden paneling of the office, shelves stuffed with books and artifacts accumulated from around the world. Jack, meanwhile, was transfixed on the couch between them where Gucci sat glaring up at him. He shifted in his seat and Gucci immediately stood, causing Jack to freeze, inching further towards the sofa's armrest.

Karen finally turned forward, frowning. "I guess you're one of those therapists that likes us to start," she observed curtly.

"I hate that," Jack muttered under his breath and Karen eyed him curiously. He suddenly seemed to realize that he had spoken out loud and turned a panicked face forward, eyes wide and arms out in apology. "I mean, I don't hate you, just your methods. I don't know you well enough to hate you. Not that I would if I did, but I guess I could. If you –."

"Jack!" His head whipped to the right where he saw Karen silently warning him to stop talking. He snapped his mouth shut and turned back around.

"Sorry," Jack murmured. "Let me just get you up to speed." He pointed at himself. "Gay." Jack turned on Karen. "Straight." He pointed back at himself. "Sober." He switched again to Karen, who had a small proud smile forming on her lips. "Drunk." Karen gave the therapist a small salute as Jack pointed once again to himself. "Fifty five."

Jack turned for the last time to Karen, who intercepted him with a loud and warning "JACK!" and he froze. Karen quickly turned back to the therapist. "Listen, Doc, we've been best friends for twenty-six years and lately things have gotten a little strange between us. I tried to bring it up and now he's avoiding me and we've been having stupid fights."

"I haven't been avoiding you," Jack pouted, looking clearly confused.

"You have, too!" Karen turned to Jack and smacked the couch cushion for emphasis. "I come in the room and you disappear into thin air!"

Jack eyed her evenly for a moment. "Do you have to go to the homophobic place?" Jack crossed his arms and turned away, hurt. He sniffled once as Karen's face twisted in confusion.

"Huh? What? Homos?" Karen glanced around her quickly before settling her bewildered gaze back on Jack.

"Disappearing into thin air? Magic? Fairies?" Jack gestured between the therapist and himself. "We get it."

Karen blinked a few times before facing forward once again. "You see, this would be one of the stupid fights. Jack, can we just tell the man why we're here?"

"Fine." Jack turned and looked the therapist square in the eye. "Her dog hates me," he explained simply and Karen groaned at his avoidance of the real issue.

"He does not!"

"Watch this," Jack instructed the doctor. He took Karen's hand in his own and laced his fingers through hers, causing Gucci to immediately stand. He raised his arm and Gucci began barking, jumping persistently in the air trying to reach their hands. "This little rat's got a huge Oedipus complex."

"You don't even know what that is!" Karen shot back, wrenching her hand free.

"I know it's not normal."

"Jack!"

"Karen!"

Bark!

"Gucci!" The tiny dog froze and turned to Karen, who glared at him. "Don't you dare pee on Jackie!" The dog indignantly lowered his leg and shot Jack a look before trotting over to Karen, who gathered him into her lap.

"Listen, Cujo, I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Jack threatened. Gucci growled at him and turned his back on Jack to lie down in Karen's lap.

"Why don't you try being nice to him?" Karen asked sincerely as she absentmindedly scratched the little dog behind the ears and he began to doze off. "He was a present from you. He's special to me."

"I shouldn't have to try," Jack pouted. "I did him a favor. I brought him into a penthouse with a Louis Vuitton dog bed, little cashmere sweaters from The Couture Canine, and a mother with a big heart and even bigger breasts." Karen smiled, looking truly touched. "What more does he want? I bought him for you because you needed something to take care of and he needed to be taken care of." Jack sighed and hesitantly reached out to pet Gucci. The dog turned and watched him lazily, but to Jack's surprise didn't otherwise respond to his touch. "I didn't realize I'd be replacing myself."

Karen's smile slowly slid away. "Oh, honey," she breathed. "Is that what this is about? No one could replace you. Especially not a dog." Karen cupped his face in her hand, gently rubbing her thumb over his cheek. "Poodle, I have a feeling I'll be taking care of you for the rest of your life." She slid across the couch towards him, dumping Gucci out of her lap. The dog watched resentfully as Karen kissed Jack on the cheek and hugged him.

Karen suddenly whirled around toward the therapist again. "Doc, I'm scared. This kinda thing is exactly why we're here!" She pointed widely at Jack and the air around him, indicating their preceding exchange. "Every day is one more stop on the highway to co-dependency." Karen gripped Jack's hand tightly and pleaded with the therapist with terrified eyes. "The signs are everywhere," she whispered, leaving the counselor not quite sure what she was referring to.

"Karen, it's not that bad," Jack reasoned, rubbing her back and addressing the therapist rationally. "We've always been close. I mean, the inappropriate fondle is the foundation of our entire relationship." This got a small giggle out of Karen and Jack playfully poked her in the side.

She nodded. "It's true. But lately things have gotten awkward between us. Don Juan over here hasn't been on a serious date in years. And the last guy I almost bagged was my two ton ex-husband six years ago. This isn't normal. Especially for us."

Jack nodded. "It's true. We're easy."

"We don't go out anymore," Karen continued, completely perplexed by her own actions. "We just stay in and watch TV."

"Lifetime," Jack specified and Karen immediately smacked him.

"Don't tell this stranger all the sordid details!" Karen lowered her voice again and continued confiding in the therapist, "I tell him what to wear; we started all these stupid traditions; and we can even –."

"Finish each other's sentences," Jack blurted out. Karen pointed at him and he gasped.

"See! This is what I'm talkin' about, Doc. This is a sickness. And worst of all …." Karen paused and took a moment to compose herself. "The fondle has fallen by the wayside. It's like we're an old married couple. It's like we're –." Karen closed her eyes, unable to physically say the words.

Beside her, Jack gasped three times in rapid succession, realization finally dawning on him. "Oh my god. Oh my god! We're –."

"Will and Grace," they both finished in unison before turning towards each other. "Stop that! You stop!" Jack and Karen pointed at each other and whirled back towards the therapist. "They do this!" they continued simultaneously. Karen clamped both hands over her mouth, eyes wide and afraid of saying anything else, as Jack sat in traumatized silence.

Karen sat forward on the edge of the couch and spoke softly through her hands. "On Friday we almost had a … a … I can't say it, Jackie."

"Game night," he finished in an awed whisper. "This is our worst nightmare."

"With," Karen took a deep steadying breath, "Blob and Yellen," she finished before tightening her hands over her mouth and letting out a strangled sob.

"Kar, its Rob and El –."

"Don't say it, poodle!" Karen reached out blindly behind her and gripped a handful of Jack's sweater. "It just makes it more real."

"After all these years of trying to not become them, we have anyway."

"This is it, Jackie. This is the end of us. There's no reason to go on any more." Karen sighed heavily and sat back on the couch in defeat.

"I'm scared, Karen," Jack finally whispered.

"You should be."

They sat in silence for a long moment, hand-in-hand and trying to come to terms with this catastrophic realization. On the other end of the couch, Gucci stopped rolling around on the cushion and peered up at them curiously. Ultimately, Jack looked up first.

"You know," he began thoughtfully, "it might not be that bad to be Will and Grace."

Karen turned and studied him, brow furrowed. "But, honey, they were codependent, had no lives of their own; they were emotional messes. And they dressed poorly."

"But they were happy." Karen was quiet, squinting at him in confusion, so he continued, "We've already lasted longer than they have."

Karen scoffed quietly. "Oh, honey, they were only together so long because no one else would have them."

"But they loved each other. What difference does it make what their reasons were for staying together so long. Isn't the most important thing the love part? As far as I'm concerned, if my best friend and the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with turn out to be the same woman, would that be so bad?" Karen laughed despite herself before sighing. "What?"

"We have a million reasons to not be okay with this. You know, the clothes, the hair, the board games. But I just keep imagining the next twenty years, after Madison leaves me too, of shopping sprees, bubble baths, harassing Rosario. And I'd really like you to be there."

Karen finally glanced up at Jack, who was grinning at her. "Me, too."

"Are we doing this? I mean, are we okay with, you know … being them?"

"I guess we are."

They smiled at each other for a moment before Jack reached over and grabbed a handful of her blouse and Karen shrieked. "Honey," she gasped, "is the fondle back?"

"Oh, it is." Jack winked mischievously at Karen and she squealed, clapping her hands in triumph before jumping into his lap. Gucci stood up on the sofa and watched them in puzzlement, head cocked slightly to one side.

Karen finally broke the hug and wrinkled her nose critically, fingering the collar of Jack's shirt. "Honey, we talked about this shirt."

"I'm not the Grace!" Jack protested, clearly insulted. "And you dressed me this morning!"

"Clearly a lapse in judgment from all the worrying. You are so the Grace, Jackie."

"I don't want to be the Grace!" he pouted as Karen distractedly picked tiny pieces of lint off of his sweater

"Too late," Karen decided simply. Jack started to protest again, but she cut him off with a quick peck on the lips.

Jack sulked in silence for a few moments as Karen settled deeper into his lap, one arm linked around his shoulders, idly kicking her feet in the air in front of her. "Well, we have two minutes left," Jack announced, replacing his arm around Karen's waist after checking his watch. "Is there anything we haven't covered?"

Karen shrugged. "I don't know. After something that huge, it's kind of hard to –." She paused and suddenly turned towards the long-ignored therapist, pointing an accusing finger at Jack. "He never cleans up and it really bugs the staff."

Jack's jaw dropped in betrayal. "Everything in your medicine cabinet has to face forward."

"How else are you gonna know what it is?" Karen shot back. She and Jack both whipped around, turning questioning gazes on the silent therapist, waiting for him to choose sides.

"SAY SOMETHING!"