Integra sat on her bed, waiting anxiously. It seemed that since Walter had left her to secure the necessary items, her body had developed into a whole new arena of interesting events.

Everything felt like it was going to melt right off her bones and make a horribly messy pile of goo at her feet. She was keeping her stomach secure in her throat, having only barely avoided some severe encounters with her toilet.

Which, by the way, was in extremely good condition. Whoever kept up the bathrooms certainly deserved a raise. Integra decided that any amount of money was justified to make sure one didn't have to look at some disgusting and mysterious thing, while trying retch up one's internal organs, into one's toilet. It would have been simply indecorous.

Her body was allowing her to suffer her plight in waves. The crazy and rumbly feeling in her abdomen had indeed gotten worse, despite Walter's reassuring words. She simply sat and endured it.

Was this how it was supposed to be? She was sure it wasn't supposed to hurt this much…

It was in that moment of doubt that it became apparently clear that she didn't have a mother. She didn't have anyone who would tell her what was going on inside her from personal experience. She was alone in a world of men.

It was too much and she felt herself begin to sadden. Her eyes filled with wetness, and much to her utter dismay, she could feel tears running down her cheeks.

Her hand shot up to meet them. Why the hell was she crying? She wasn't sad, not really. She'd never had a mother; she certainly wasn't foolish enough to start harrowing after one now.

And as quickly as she had gotten sad, she got angry.

Who was God to leave her alone in a world of men with no bloody road map?

It simply did not matter how comforting Walter was, he could never make up for his complete lack of a vagina, and that alone was enough reason to despise him.

How dare he try to sympathize!

Hell, even Alucard was better. At least he had some experience with blood in general.

Then it hit her like a ton of bricks.

She felt so stupid.

"ALUCARD!" she called from her bed. She was certain that he would be surprised to hear from her so soon after their close encounter, but this was urgent! She didn't have time to behave like some silly creature, timid of a man who knew how to take of advantage of a situation and use his lips wisely.

Integra laughed to herself. Was that not his purpose in her organization anyway? If anything she'd reward him for his ingenuity.

"ALUCARD!" she called again. Where was he?

She didn't have to wait long.

A shadowy mist quickly floated up from under her bed. She watched as it eased its way up from the floor and under her coverlet. It was there it began to take form.

She rolled her eyes.

"Stop being such a drama queen," she snapped. "I have to ask you a question."

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"What?" she asked.

The second eyebrow rose.

"Don't you want to make sure that Walter isn't prancing about spying on us before you ask me anything too personal?" he asked.

She looked at him for a good long minute, wondering if it was really worth the answer to ask him anything, after all, she knew it would be satisfying to shoot him.

"What makes you think that I'm going to ask anything personal?" she asked. "Besides, I sent Walter away on a mission."

Alucard grinned, bringing up an arm to rest his head on.

"I know many things, Master," he told her in response to her first question. "Now, where have you sent our dear Walter?"

She didn't reply.

She felt Alucard pulling at the edge of her mind, looking for the answer he would not get verbally. She did nothing to stop him.

She watched as his eyes got wide and his grin practically cracked his face.

"You sent the Angel of Death to bring home pussy pluggers?" he asked, completely tickled. "Oh, that is simply precious, Master."

"I didn't want to be caught unaware and make a mess," she mumbled, taken back by his crude term for her feminine hygiene product. "And I didn't want anyone else to know, so I made him go."

Alucard laughed. She honestly didn't know why she told him anything. He was such a damn brute.

"Don't worry about the mess Master," he whispered at her. "I would have gladly helped clean it up."

Integra scowled.

"You want only to suck on whatever crevice is secreting my life source, no matter how pure the substance."

Alucard, if possible, seemed to be even more overjoyed by this.

"You said it, my Master. Not I."

Integra looked at him a bit baffled for a moment, before she got the full connotation of his meaning.

Her eyes quickly got as wide as his, but for entirely different reasons.

"Are you even suggesting that you would ever put your mouth on that part of my body," she asked in shock.

He shrugged.

"I'd do a lot of things," he told her. "But then again

Integra looked at him with a look of complete disgust and curiosity.

"How is that not the most disgusting thing a creature could do to a person?"

He giggled like a little girl in church. "Master," he said, as if it were some great secret. "Most humans do that for fun."

"People….WHAT?" she asked outraged.

He snorted. "Why do you think I renounced them," he asked, a tone of 'why doesn't anyone understand me, I make so much bloody sense' written all over his voice.

She looked away; momentarily unable to defend herself. "Suddenly I am completely disgusted by my whole race," she announced.

Alucard heaved a heavy sigh.

Why was it on his shoulder to educate the future leader of the free world on the more gory details of human consummation?

"People enjoy doing scandalous things," he told her. "I guess the idea their doing something slightly naughty gets them horny."

"So a man put his mouth on a woman's..." Integra made an incoherent noise, which Alucard could only assume was a substitute for what she was really trying to say.

He nodded; a scary truth in his eyes. "Or vice versa," he confirmed.

Integra got this horrible look of indignation on her face. It was as if someone had knocked her upside the head with a hot waffle iron and she didn't know how to react.

"On a ….penis?" she managed to choke out. "Why?"

Alucard suddenly felt a bit out of his element.

"Urine comes from that thing, Alucard," she told him as if he were stupid. "It was never meant to go into anyone's mouth!"

He wisely said nothing.

There was an awkward silence.

"I don't urinate," he said in his own defense. He couldn't help mankind on this one.

Integra blanched.

"Is that meaning to say that you've…done that….before?"

"No?" he tried meekly.

Her face screwed itself into a look of utter disgust.

"Eww," she whispered. "I can't believe I'm letting you lie in my bed."

He tipped his head, as if saying he could understand her sentiment.

She took a deep breath.

"I can leave," he suggested. There is always tomorrow.

"No," she yelped. "I asked you here for a reason."

She looked pained, and suddenly Alucard dreaded the next few moments of his unlife.

"Oh," he asked, morbidly curios. "Why would that be?"

"Well," she started slowly. "I was wondering what if felt to have…you know…blood leaving your body…as a way of your body to relieve-"

"Integra-" he interrupted her. "I do not know what that crazy old butler told you about me, but I most assuredly do not have a period."

She blushed.

"Walter didn't say any such thing," she defended. "I just assumed. You drink all that blood, right? Well, it's got to come out somewhere…"

It was Alucard's turn to be uncomfortable.

He looked at her like she was insane, she just looked sheepish.

"It does not come out anywhere," he told her firmly. "It just…disappears."

She looked at him skeptically.

"Alucard," she said. "That's simply not possible."

When she voiced her disbelief, he didn't know what to say.

He was telling the truth.

"Come on," she said. "Just tell me, you know about mine!"

"There is nothing to tell! I do not have a menstrual cycle," he growled.

She glared. He tried to look convincing.

"You know, if this is the way I'm going to find you two every time I come wandering in, I might just have to put Sir Integra in a chastity belt," Walter said from the doorway. "Or, better yet, just shank Alucard…permanently."

"Walter!" cried Integra. "Oh, Alucard's been down right unreasonable. Is it true women put their mouths on men's penises?"

Walter almost fell down dead. Almost.

"Alucard!" he cried. "What the hell have you been telling her?"

Alucard ignored him.

"It's not just women who do it," he told Integra; leaving her to ponder his meaning, just to infuriate the butler further.

"Alucard," he admonished. "I must insist you remove yourself from her bed immediately."

Alucard made a sad puppy dog face.

"But she invited me," he told him, once again, simply for reaction.

Walter looked to Integra slowly. She rolled her eyes.

"I only wanted to ask him how he shed all the blood he drinks. I thought perhaps it would help me better understand the situation." When Walter looked at her curiously she felt a bit silly. "Walter, I was just doing research!"

Walter's brow furrowed, and then he looked at Alucard.

"You know, that is an excellent question," he paused. "Where does all that blood go?"

Alucard shot him a look that probably would have killed a lesser man.

"It disappears," he seethed.

Walter took a step back in mock self defense.

"He's awfully touchy," he told Integra. "Do you suppose you two are synced through the master-servant bond, and it's his time of the month as well?"

Alucard growled, which was slightly comical, as he was under a pink coverlet, edged with lace, and didn't look remotely threatening.

Walter laughed.

Integra smiled.

Alucard pouted.

"Walter," said Integra sweetly. "Did you bring me my…trinkets?"

Walter lifted a bag that had been hanging at his side. He tossed it to her on the bed, not willing to get too close to the vampire who might very well attack him. He wasn't as young as he used to be, and he didn't want to outrun monsters if he didn't have to.

"There's also a surprise in there for you," he told her; confident he'd done something that she'd like.

The trip to the drugstore had been hellish. He never knew there were so many brands and sizes. In the end, a kind young woman had taken pity on him and, after listening to the story of his 'granddaughter's' situation, helped him find a box to suite. He hade made sure that it was industrial size so he wouldn't have to go back for a while.

He watched as he pulled the large box out of the bag and looked at it. She shot him a smile, then handed the package to Alucard, who took it as it was something that might bite him.

When Integra looked back into the bag and saw her surprise her eyes lit up.

"Walter," she cried. "How did you know?"

She pulled out a very large slab of milk chocolate and began to unwrap it. She'd been craving something of the sort for awhile, but hadn't been able to put her finger just on what it was that she wanted.

Meanwhile, Alucard was beside her, opening the box and sniffing at it.

"Why tampons?" he asked. "Aren't they..." he didn't finish his sentence.

He looked up at the people in the room.

"I don't like them," he said plainly.

Too easy, thought Walter and Integra at the same time.

"I didn't want to distract you from your first priority," Integra stated. "So, Walter and I thought this would be the best solution."

Alucard made a face.

"But," he said like a small child. "This…you have to insert this, Master."

"…I realize that." Integra said slowly.

Alucard looked at her as if she were dumb.

"You don't think that's a bad idea," he asked as if to a small child.

"I think it's going to be a jolly good time," she said sarcastically. Alucard's eyes grew wide.

"Walter, take them back." He said shaking his head and holding the box out to the butler.

"Why?" he asked, amused.

Alucard glared.

"Nothing is going to violate Master in the manner that this object," he glared at one of the tampons he pulled out of the box, "is going to do."

"Eh?" asked Walter.

Alucard looked at Walter as if he grew another head.

"Do you realize where this is supposed to go?" he asked, a crazy gleam in his eye.

"How is that a violation?" Walter asked.

Alucard twitched.

"Because I said it is!" he said loudly. "She should not be putting anything up there! It's….urgh! No! No! No! It is private property," he said throwing the tampon away in angst, "and this is most definitely a trespasser."

Alucard cringed as a finale to his speech.

Integra looked at Walter, and then grinned. She pulled the box to her, and shuffled around until she found a folded peace of paper. She opened it and squealed.

"Alucard," she said gleefully. "Look at this!"

It was a set of directions. A very descriptive set of directions. She waved it at him.

He shot away as of it would burn him.

"To put in the tampon,' she read. "Find a comfortable position and ease-"

"STOP," yelled Alucard, covering his ears.

"Integra," Walter reprimanded, "be kind, he's in a delicate state."

Before either of them could react Alucard snatched the box and disappeared, phasing through the floor to his cell.

"Shite," exclaimed Integra. "Now I've lost my tampons!"

Walter grinned.

"Not quite," he said calmly. "that was one of many."

Integra's mouth made a perfect 'o.'

"I really never want to have to buy those things again," he supplied. "I'll have more brought up to you within the hour."

He turned on his heel and left to go fetch some tea.

Integra leaned back on her pillows, her stomach pain momentarily forgotten.

Maybe this would be easier than she first anticipated.

Eh, review plebes. Or I will smite you. Seriously, tell me what you think.