OK, the origins of this idea for a plot came from ferretgirl-1124. Everyone love her muchly. It's thanks to her that I actually wrote something. Yay ferretgirl-1124!
This is so AU it can't touch...non-AU with a long pole. But it was hella fun to write.
And so we have a badly-bastardized and so-very-Vulcan version of an old favorite.
Disclaimer: You really think I own them?
The Prince and the Pea
Subtitled: When to just shut up and listen to those damned voices.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
Oscar Wilde
"Good people of Atlantis!" The queen of the small nation stood regally on the balcony, overlooking the swelling crowd below. "It is our great pleasure to greet you tonight on this celebration of our son's eighteenth birthday!" The crowd cheered and the queen smiled. "Now, as all of you know, a person is considered an adult at eighteen in our country. Therefore, this night also marks Prince Garth's first as a grown citizen of Atlantis!" There were more cheers. "With this in mind, the King and I have decided it is time we found a bride for our son and heir. Starting tomorrow, princesses will be invited into our nation to try for the hand of our prince. A bride will be found based on a test that King Arthur has devised. Each prospective princess must arrange for a stay of at least one night at the Royal Palace. During this stay, what we have come to term the "Princess Test" will be administered. The first princess to pass this test will be married to Prince Garth and will be the next Queen of Atlantis!"
Anything further the queen may have said was drowned out by the earsplitting squeals of the female populace under the balcony. From his seat behind his mother, the crown prince of Atlantis shivered. Those girls scared him. And now his parents were making him marry one. He wasn't sure how things could get worse….
Three months had passed since Prince Garth's eighteenth birthday. Sixty-three would-be princesses had come to the palace in a desperate bid to win the most sought-after bachelor in Atlantis. Sixty-three would-be princesses had been turned away after failing the test. Garth sighed. At this rate, he would never have to marry one of those horrid females. The thought was a pleasant one. He had been forced to spend an evening with each of the maidens, and each one had left him completely and utterly terrified of the thought that she may be the one with whom he would have to spend the rest of his life. Each night, he went to bed dreading the news the next morning. Each morning, he had woken up to find that his fears had been unrealized. She had failed the test, just like every one before her. The cycle was wreaking havoc on his nerves.
Today, the sixty-fourth hopeful was due to arrive. This one was princess of some far-off country he had never heard of before. Garth was giving himself a headache just thinking about the trials ahead, for him and for her.
He doubted anyone could pass the test his parents had designed. Any prospective princess had to feel a dried pea beneath a mattress. Not just one mattress. No, that would be too easy. They had to feel it beneath five mattresses. They would go to bed at night with assurances that the test would be administered the following day and that the extra mattresses were to ensure a good night's sleep. If the girl woke up in the morning without a complaint, she was sent home immediately. So far, all had been sent home. Soon, number sixty-four would be sent home.
Shortly before five, a carriage pulled up in front of the palace. The king and queen strode out to meet this foreign princess, with Garth trailing listlessly behind them. A steward hopped out of the carriage, followed closely by a young woman of Garth's age. Her curly brown hair hung down to her waist, and her flawless skin was pale. Piercingblue eyes regarded Garth and his parents curiously.
"May I present Princess Lia?" the steward announced, stepping to one side. PrincessLia curtsied politely.
"Welcome, Princess, to Atlantis. It is an honor to meet you." The queen pulled Garth to stand next to her. "This is our son, Prince Garth."
"Pleasure, I'm sure," muttered Garth, bowing. PrincessLia curtsied again.
"Of course, your highness."
"Please, do come in. Supper shall be served shortly." The king turned to go back into the palace. "Prince Garth will show you where your men can put your things."
"Yes, your majesty." PrincessLia turned to Garth, eyes innocently wide.
"Come along, then," he told her, leading her into the palace and the room for the Princess Test.Lia said nothing as she followed him through the halls, content to simply walk behind him.
"Here you are," Garth said, stopping by the entrance to her room. "Someone will be by to fetch you for dinner."
"Thank you, your highness."
Garth nodded, turning from the princess and walking quickly down the hall. As soon as he had turned the corner, he sprinted the rest of the way to his room. Dinner would be yet another torturous affair.
Garth had been right. His mother seated him next to Princess Lia for dinner. The girl said hardly anything through the entire seven-course meal. Garth believed he would soon go insane. It was the single-most mind-numbingly boring meal of his life. As soon as was polite, he excused himself, promising his parents and the princess that he would rejoin them shortly in the palace gardens.
A quick stop at his bedroom had Garth prepared for his alternate evening activities. He hurried to a side entrance to the palace, greeting the guard at the door.
"Another flop?" the guard said, looking at the young prince sympathetically.
"You could call it that," admitted Garth. "Is the coach ready?"
"As every evening, Highness." The guard waved a hand, and an unremarkable coach drove up to the door. The driver nodded curtly to the door guard, and Garth hopped in the backseat.
"The tavern, Rick," he ordered, and the driver nodded again. The coach lurched away from the palace and towards the town, taking Garth with it.
As Garth entered the tavern, he pulled his hood closer over his head. He didn't want to be recognized, not here. He had escaped the palace for an evening of his own. He didn't need the entire town mobbing him. Assured that his identity was well-concealed, he slid into a seat at a table near the edge of the room. The only other occupant of the inn who looked even remotely close to Garth's own age looked up at his entrance, moving over to Garth's table as the youth sat down.
"Can I help you?" Garth asked as the other boy sat across from him.
"I'm Roy. Roy Harper. Who're you?" he asked. Garth frowned. Roy shrugged. "I didn't recognize you. I know just about everyone in this town. I was wondering who the new kid was."
"Oh. I'm G-Aqua," Garth replied, almost losing his anonymity.
"Aqua?" Roy seemed surprised. "Interesting name."
"I suppose," Garth admitted, chagrined. He couldn't have come up with anything better? Oh well. He never had done well under pressure. Why was that boy still here?
"Why are you wearing a hood?"
"Wait, what?" Garth was confused. This boy – Roy – was strange. He could tell that much already.
"Why are you wearing a hood?" Roy repeated, blinking. "It's dark in here. Why the hood? Are you just hideously ugly under there, and don't want anyone else to know?"
"Er…no. I just want to?" Garth frowned. There was something definitely wrong with this kid.
"Well, that's not a very good reason, is it?"
"I suppose it isn't," admitted Garth. "Why do you care?"
"I like to see who I'm talking to." Roy smirked in an obviously mischievous manner. He reached up, tugging Garth's hood off. His smirk grew when he saw the other teen's stunned face. "Well, I was close!" he announced happily.
"What do you mean?" demanded Garth. How dare he!
"I said you wore the hood so people won't be overcome by your ugliness. I was close. You obviously wore it so us poor people wouldn't be overwhelmed by your obvious good looks."
"You're drunk," Garth accused, pulling his hood back up. Was it possible Roy hadn't recognized him?
"Not yet. I will be, though, I'm sure."
"How old are you?"
"Seventeen."
"And you're going to get drunk? You're underage."
"So?" Roy looked at Garth oddly. "You mean that's not what you're here for?"
"No."
Roy's eyes widened. "Well, color me impressed. Then what are you here for?"
"I don't think that's how the expression is used…."
"It's how I use it. Now, why are you here?"
Garth frowned. Why should he tell Roy? He had just met the other boy. "I'm hiding." He gestured to his hood. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Really? From whom?"
"My parents and a girl who wants to marry me." Why in all nine hells was he being so open with Roy?
"You're hiding from a girl?" Roy was apparently shocked at this news. "What, wasn't she pretty enough?"
"She's pretty," admitted Garth with a shrug. "But I don't want to marry her. Or any of the other girls my parents have tried to set me up with over the last few months…."
"What? You don't like girls or something?"
"I- yes. No. I have no idea." Garth glared at Roy. This was so not an appropriate topic.
"How could you not know?"
"I just don't, fair enough?"
"Nope. Everyone knows what sex they're attracted to."
"You sound so certain."
"I have an idea!" Roy's eyes gleamed dangerously in the dim light.
"And with those four words, you have scared the living hell out of me," muttered Garth.
"Aww, don't be like that. Here, I'll tell you. You can't figure out if you like guys or girls, right?"
"I don't remember ever saying that. I just said I wasn't sure if I liked girls or not…"
"Well, it's the same basic principle. Now, watch."
With that, he leaned in and captured Garth's lips with his own. Garth's eyes widened in shock before he realized that he really didn't mind kissing Roy. In fact, it was kind of…nice. Not that he'd admit that, of course. Wait, why wasn't he pulling away? As far as Garth knew, kisses didn't last this long. Was that Roy's tongue? He suddenly realized that he was thinking far too much. He relaxed and allowed himself to enjoy the kiss.
It was several minutes later before Garth finally regained any sense of rational thought. As he became aware of his surroundings, he frowned. How the hell had he ended up on Roy's lap? He was so confused…
"Still confused?" Roy asked, a grin upon his face that Garth felt should be outlawed. No one should be able to look that attractive. It wasn't fair. He'd get on that as soon as he was king.
"Even more so than before," was all he said. Roy pouted.
"What, you mean you didn't like it?"
"I didn't say that."
That damned smirk returned. "Well, then. I fail to see the problem."
"The problem is I'm supposed to be married. To a girl." Garth paused. "Now, unless there's something you're not telling me, you're not a girl. You're a guy. This can't happen."
"Why not?"
"It just – It just can't, alright?"
"No, it's not alright." Roy glared at Garth for a moment, before continuing. "Why can't we do this? Who says you have to get married? Who says it has to be to a girl?"
"My parents do." Garth sighed. "I don't expect you to understand. It's…complicated."
"Do you do everything your parents tell you?" demanded Roy.
"Yes. So does everyone else." Garth paled as the words left his mouth. That wasn't what he meant to say.
"Aqua, what-"
"I have to go." Garth pushed himself to his feet, darting out the door as fast as he could. He clambered into the coach, ordering Rick to take him home. This was not the relaxing evening he had planned…
Garth, Princess Lia, and the king and queen were wandering the palace gardens. The purpose of the evening was to allow the prince and princess time to get to know each other before the test. That way, they would be used to each other when the time came for them to (possibly) be married. Garth thought it a stupid idea. How could you truly get to know someone in one evening?
'You got to know Roy pretty well in just one evening,' a little voice in the back of his head pointed out. Garth mentally squished it under his thumb. Roy was the last person he wanted to be thinking about right now.
'You did. And you want to know him better, don't you?' Why wouldn't these voices just shut up? He thought he squished it, anyway…
PrincessLia was proving no help in distracting him. She had said exactly four words since he had returned from the tavern: "Welcome back, your highness." Her silence was just giving Garth more time to consider what he had just experienced.
Garth could not have been happier when his parents announced that it was time to retire. He practically ran back to his room, leaping on his bed and burying his face in his pillows. He didn't need to deal with this right now. He didn't need to deal with any of it right now. He just wanted to be left alone!
The next morning,Lia woke with no complaints. She was sent home. Garth breathed a sigh of relief. Life returned to normal. Well, as normal as palace life can be when the crown prince is still hurting over a boy he met in a tavern. Garth mentally smacked himself. He was not hurting. In fact, he was over it completely.
'You can lie to everyone else, but you can't lie to yourself.' Dammit, that horrible little voice was back.
"Didn't I squish you?" he demanded. He didn't care if someone walked in on him talking to himself. He really didn't.
'You can't squish me! I'm your conscience!'
"I don't need a conscience, so bugger off." He could hear that vile voice laughing at him.
'You're head over heels for that boy, aren't you? And you only just met him! Poor prince-y.'
Garth slammed his head against the wall. Maybe that would shut up the damned voice.
'Not likely. However, if you're going to be mean about it, I'll just leave you to sulk!'
"Thank God," Garth muttered. He didn't want to deal with voices in his head. He had enough problems. He sighed, closing his eyes and drifting back to sleep.
Roy grumbled angrily as he stalked down the road. Damned pretty-boys in taverns. He should have learned better by now. He sighed heavily. Where was he going, anyway? He couldn't remember. He vaguely remembered shouted instructions from a parental unit. They were just trying to get him out of the house again, he thought. He wasn't sure, though. Since when was it cloudy? Roy shook himself. He was getting off-topic again. What was the topic, anyway? Oh, yes. Pretty-boys in taverns. You could never trust them. Never. And now it was raining. Perfect. Roy swore virulently. It was raining, he was wet, and he had no idea where he was. Well, all roads lead somewhere, don't they? He'd just follow the road.
Well, that had been a stellar idea. Roy had followed the road for nearly twenty minutes through pouring rain to end up at the Royal Palace. Oh well. Maybe they'd let him dry off before kicking him out. He stumbled up to a smaller entrance, knocking sharply on the door.
The door swung open, revealing a rumpled old woman, her skirts wrinkled and dirty.
"Well, what have we here?" she asked, voice light.
"I'm sorry, ma'am. It was dark and wet and I couldn't find anywhere else to go," Roy wheezed, out of breath. He had run almost the entire way up to the door.
"Highness, you may want to come take a look. We appear to have a visitor."
"Who is it, Mil?" Another voice came in from the palace, this one female and soft.
"Townboy by the looks of him." The woman was pushed aside as a young girl of about twelve moved to stand in the door.
"Oh, dear!" She pulled Roy inside. "I'll have someone get some towels, we'll get a fire going. Mil! Find the poor boy something dry to wear! He'll catch his death."
"Thank you, miss. I'm really sorry about this. Had I any idea where I was at all, I'd have found somewhere else to go."
"Oh, don't be silly." The girl handed Roy some towels, and he attempted to remove some of the dampness from his hair and skin. "There's plenty of room here. I'm sure Mother and Father won't mind."
"Mother and father?" Roy repeated, puzzled. "Wait, you mean -! You're Princess Delly!" He attempted to bow, but only managed to trip over his own feet and fall on his rear.
"Relax. I'm not going to eat you, I promise." Princess Delly giggled. "Now my big brother, on the other hand…" she giggled again. "He's been in a foul mood lately, that's for sure."
"I should… I should go." Roy coughed harshly, and Delly frowned.
"You're not going anywhere in this weather. You'll die of some awful disease. I'll have a servant prepare a room for you and you can stay the night."
"Oh, I couldn't. I should get home."
"Nonsense. I'll go ask Mother. I'm sure she'll agree with me." Delly rushed down the hall and paused at the corner before dashing back.
"What's your name again?" she asked. "I want to be able to tell Mother who's here."
"Roy. My name is Roy Harper."
"'Kay!" With that, the girl ran away again.
"Weird kid," Roy muttered, trying to get his hair into some semblance of order. "Sweet, though."
Delly hadn't been gone for more than three minutes before she returned, practically dragging a servant behind her.
"Come on!" she shouted as she neared Roy. "Mother said you'd better stay. She doesn't want you to die, either."
"That's thoughtful of her," Roy said and followed Delly off the other direction.
"The only problem was that the only available room was the princess room," Delly informed him. "Mother said that that was fine, though, and you should stay there tonight. She said she'd send you home in a carriage tomorrow morning and that you should sleep well. Here it is!"
Roy's head was spinning as he entered the room Delly indicated. It was hard work keeping up with the girl. She just grinned at him and the servant handed him a pair of clothes.
"Mother said the servants would get your clothes dried while you sleep if you'll change into these."
"Thank you, Delly," Roy told her, bowing in a much more coordinated fashion. "For everything."
"Not a problem," the girl announced. "See you in the morning, Roy!" She shut the door firmly behind her. Roy sighed, changing into the outfit that had been lent to him before flopping down on the heavily-mattressed bed.
Garth stumbled into the dining room the next morning, bleary-eyed. He had gotten almost no sleep the night before. His little sister Delly was already seated and eating breakfast when he entered.
"'Ello, Garth!" she cried when she saw him. "Did you see the visitor?"
"What are you talking about, Delly?" Garth asked, pouring himself a glass of orange juice and sitting next to her.
"Our visitor! He came in all wet last night. He was pretty. Momma had him sleep in the princess room, 'cause it was the only one free."
"Oh, really? Who was this visitor?"
"I don't remember his name. R-something, I think. Oh, yeah! Roy! I 'member 'cause it sounded like 'boy' and that's what he is!"
"R-Roy?" Garth was very pale and his voice caught in his throat.
"Yup. He was real nice, too. I like him. You two should be friends!"
"I'll keep that in mind, Delly. You said he was in the princess room?"
"Yeah. Momma said it was okay even though he's not a princess. She said there was nothing to worry about."
"Of course there's not," Garth whispered, sprinting out of the dining hall. Of all the people who could wander into the palace at night, it had to be that one. He swore the entire way down to the room. He had to see…
The room was empty. Roy had left already.
"Dammit!" Garth growled. He had missed him. His hand flew into the wall, leaving a deep indentation.
"Careful. You could hurt somebody."
Garth froze. It couldn't be. There was no earthly way it could possibly be. He turned around slowly.
"Aqua!" Roy's – for it was, indeed, Roy standing beside him, dressed in an old pair of Garth's pajamas – eyes widened. "What are you doing here?"
"I live here," Garth admitted, and Roy frowned.
"What are you-" he stopped short. "No way. No way in hell. You're name's not Aqua, is it?"
Garth shook his head.
"It's Garth. You're a damned prince."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you."
"Why?"
"I told you. I was hiding. I couldn't have everyone knowing where I was."
"Things are starting to make a hell of a lot more sense right now."
"Aren't they, though?"
"Ah, Garth, I see you've met our visitor." The queen had just turned the corner, effectively shutting both boys up. "And how did you sleep last night, Roy Harper?"
"Not very well, to be honest, your majesty. I just couldn't get comfortable."
The queen paled. Garth's eyes got very wide.
"Mother, wasn't he in-"
"Hush, Garth. Go and fetch your father."
Garth nodded and ran down the hall. Roy just stood there, more confused than he had ever been in his life. Surely it hadn't been that rude…
Within moments, Garth was running back down the hall, the king close behind him.
"What the devil is going on here?" demanded the king, glowering at Roy.
"He slept in the princess room last night. He couldn't get comfortable." The queen was obviously flustered.
"Look, I didn't mean to make a big deal about anything, your majesties. I can just go now."
"Now what are we to do?"
"Mother, you said when you planned the test that anyone who passed would be considered suitable. You didn't say any female." Garth's hands were shaking. It couldn't possibly be happening. But yet, it seemed it was.
"But surely you don't really want to-"
"Rules are rules, Mother, and we must abide by them. You say so yourself all the time. If the royalty does not obey the laws, why should everyone else?" Garth looked smugly victorious. Roy found it very attractive. Wait, bad mind. He shook himself mentally. Not the time. He was so confused, though.
"Very well, Garth. I leave it up to you." The queen nodded to Roy and left the area, the king in tow.
"What the hell just happened, Aq-Garth?" Roy demanded as soon as the monarchs were out of earshot.
"How much have you heard about the Princess Test?" Garth asked.
"It's a big test designed to find someone suitable to marry you," Roy replied bitterly. "Why."
"Well, apparently, you just passed."
"I-wait, what?"
"I dunno. Apparently you passed the test."
"Wait, does that mean that we – you and I…?"
"It could." Garth was still sporting that really sexy smug look, so Roy responded the only way he could think of. He kissed him. Hard. When he finally had to pull away for much-needed oxygen, all he could do was nod.
"Yes, yes it does."
Garth smirked. "Good." He leaned in for another kiss. "Because I wasn't about to let you get away so easily this time."
"Hey, Garth?"
"What?"
"I think I love you…"
"You think?"
"Yes, yes I do."
"Good. I love you, too. Now shut up and kiss me again, you fool."
Roy smiled and readily complied.
And Garth's voices finally shut up, giving each other mental high fives as they sat back and watched the show.
El Fin.
I think I kind of like the voices, to be completely honest. I don't know. I don't know what I think about any of this piece, though. At least it was fun to write...