Ino and Neji

It was lunch time and therefore round five in what Neji had silently dubbed the battle of the bitches. Ayame had taken the early lead winning the battle on wearing shoes, but Ino had quickly recovered and took complete control of the situation.

And he meant complete, currently the little girl was sitting quietly glaring at a bowl of pickled beets and rice. The kid had demanded bbq. Had actually thrown a bowl of natto at his head, then herself on the floor kicking and screaming. Ino had done nothing until she got around to calling her fat.

Then (as Naruto liked to say) it was on and poppin'….and Neji had quietly blended with the shadows when the fight got violet. He was pretty sure there was a law somewhere about holding a child upside down and shaking them until they did what they were told. But who knows there might not be.

Hmm. Optimism looked good on him. Currently they were between rounds, he took another bite of rice, eyes closed. He felt the red hot glare the girl gave Ino, and Ino's molten ice glare in return. Neji checked his watch without opening his eyes, and pushed his chair back a little and kept chewing.

Turned out to be a good idea, pickled beets is really hard to get out of cotton. "YOU'RE UGLY I HATE YOU!!!!"

Four more hours, just four more hours. He wasn't sure if this sex education thing was supposed to make them want to wait to have sex—or never have sex, if it was aiming for never it was doing it's job wonderfully. Neji sighed and wondered if he should step in, even as Ino got a good fistful of blond hair and currently was yanking the little girl over the table.

Neji carefully moved his tea closer to himself and continued to chew. Yep never looked pretty good from where he was sitting. Vaguely he wondered if being gay would be okay no children in those unions right?

"Do you want to die you little shit?! Do you!"

Hinata and Sasuke

Miko was easy….at least as far as Sasuke was concerned. Especially now that she was curled on the floor asleep. Hinata was frowning down at the happily drooling little girl.

"Ano…Sasuke I don't think giving a toddler sleeping pills is a good idea."

Sasuke shrugged, and went back to oiling his weapons, occasionally doing a visual vitals check on the child. "She's both quiet and breathing isn't she? That works for me. Want to go get some dango? We've got about four hours to kill."

Hinata put the back of her hand under the little girls nose. She was breathing. "Okay you're buying right?"

"Sure as long as you're carrying her."

Shikamaru and Temari

Temari straight and tall pacing in front of what Shikamaru now called an unhealthly frightened little boy. She'd had him standing at attention for a good two hours now. "Tell me once again when it is acceptable for a shinobi to use fire?"

The little boy swallowed back a fresh wave of tears and recited with a slightly less shaky voice, than the last five times she'd made him say it.

Temari frowned and nodded, "Very good. Now what are the first ten rules of the ninja?"

Okay now maybe she was going to far—"Oi Temari-"

"Do you have something to add Shikamaru-kun?

Shikamaru's eyes slid to pleading watery ones of the child—granted he was a little bit of a brat still… "Look Tema-"

"Do you have a problem with my methods of child rearing Shikamaru-kun?" she snapped not taking her eyes off her prey. He could feel the kids terrified eyes on him still, sensing an ally possibly a savior.

What a fuckin' pain, "Maybe--Erm-"

"Because if you do I certainly value your input. Parenting involves teamwork and a very good understanding of rules and communication, as well as the roles of both parties involved. What would you like your role to be in this partnership Shikamaru-kun?"

Shikamaru shifted his gaze to the kid's pleading face again, still looking for his savior.

Sorry kid.

"Silent works for me."

"Wise decision. Now what is rule number one?"

Kiba and Kankuro

"No no no Hitachi you gotta get his legs out from under him if you want that move to work. Don't be scared to fight dirty. Eye gouging, biting do what you gotta do!"

Kiba shook his head as the clumsy brat landed face first in the dirt. Again. Man why'd he pick the stupid one?

"Hah that's another 40 bucks, wanna go double or nothing?"

"That was double or nothing!"

"Triple or nothing?"

"Hell no."

Sakura and Lee

"Ah Lee-kun really it's okay now!" She said sweetly very sweetly. So sweetly it could have sweetened the tea of all of konoha for a year.

"Of course Sakura-san" Lee replied cautiously enthusiastic. Looking pointedly at the place where a five foot thick wall had been, a splintered table, and a metal chair that now looked more like a bread twiste. "Now if Sakura-san would put down the hammer maybe we could go for some of Gai-sensei's power ice cream?"

"I DON'T WANT IC-"

Lee slapped a hand over the little girl's mouth. "Let's not upset mommy anymore okay Akane-chan? Remember when we talked about survival instincts and respectful behavior?"

Shino and Naruto

"Sasuke…"Naruto's voice sounded very strained—watery blue eyes looked up at him followed by a loud wet sniff. Okay he was doing good so far. "Do you want to be a ninja?"

Sasuke shook his head, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"Good. Good now listen to Naruto-nii okay? Ninja's have to be tough! Strong."

"B-But I-"

"No no no calm down! Calm caaalm deep breath where's your inhaler? Okay good use your inhaler good boy. Alright now ninja have to be strong."

"Strong." Sasuke repeated.

"That's right. And brave!"

"Brave."

"Good! Now you're a strong and brave ninja in training right?!"

"Right!"

"Say it!"

"I'm a strong and brave ninja in training!"

"That's right and I ain't scared of no bugs!"

"And I ain't scared of no bugs!"

"And I ain't gonna cry as soon as Shino nii looks at me!"

"And I ain'—mama said I shouldn't say ain't"

"Right whatever just say it."

"And I ain't gonna cry when I see Shino-nii!"

"And I'm gonna let Nauro-nii get me down from the tree without screaming like a little girl so that he doesn't fail his sex education class because really at this point he just wants to never see another kid again in his entire life-EVER!"

Sasuke blinked, "That's a lot to-"

"Grab him!"

Shino materialized behind the child scooped him into his jacket and landed soundlessly on the ground. Sasuke went rigid and then passed out cold.

"Wow. This kid got a real problem with bugs or what?"

"…Two hours left."

Tenten and Gaara

Tenten would have paid in blood for a camera, right then.

"More tea Gaara-sama?" The little girl asked holding up the bright pink plastic tea server. Gaara stared at her for a moment then nodded slowly and held out his equally dainty tea cup for more imaginary tea.

They were currently back in Gaara's temporary rooms. On the way there Gaara had carefully stared at the little girl holding onto two of his fingers, and everything her eyes landed on---depending on how long those eyes stayed on the object determined if it was bought or not. Currently she had gotten a brand new stuffed bear bigger than she was, a baby turtle in a plastic case, a stuffed fish, a box of almond cookies, a bar of chocolate, a baby doll and a new tea set including child size pink table, chairs, saucers, cups and bowls. Tenten had stopped him when he started eyeing the children clothing stores.

It was a little creepy.

He didn't seem to notice that Tohru was getting more and more embarrassed as he bought things. Tenten noticed, and where the fuck was he getting that money from anyway?

"Bun-bun-san had a very good day today." She confided offering Gaara a plate of plastic cookies. Gaara took one and stared at it for a moment before pretending to eat it.

Tenten would be willing to pay with her soul for a camera. Still though she felt a little left out… "Ne…Tohru-chan what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Tohru blinked wide slightly glassy eyes at her, "A mommy!"

"Just a mommy?" Tenten asked.

Several hours later in Iruka's classroom

Iruka eyed the slightly haggard young ninja before him; he sincerely hoped that no one had been permanently scarred by the arrangement. He passed a clinical eye over the children. The one assigned to Sasuke and Hinata was rubbing his eyes and yawning, sitting on Sasuke's lap sucking his thumb. He was so cute.

Apparently Ino and Sakura had noticed as well by the large hearts that currently hovered over their heads.

Naruto currently had little Sasuke face pressed against his jacket mouth open and obviously screaming and crying for all he was worth into chest. Iruka could make out bad bug man gone? Shino was nowhere to be seen. Hmm that one might need some help.

Neji currently had their temporary bundle of joy sitting between them nose turned skyward specifically turning her back on Ino. Neji was rubbing his forehead with his eyes closed.

It seemed though that Temari had gotten the little pyro in line, he sat back straight with a controlled expression on his face that would put a member of ANBU to shame. Shikamaru just shook his head and sweated a little…that couldn't be good.

He was almost afraid when the door opened again a few seconds later to admit Tenten and Gaara, and what was left of the little girl assigned to them.

"Gaara! Come on we're late already!" Tenten held the door open as Gaara of the desert entered with Tohru clutching his fingers and talking happily about her day and Gaara-tousan's tea party—and Iruka's brain shut down to protect itself after that.

"Okay. So did anyone want to say anything before the children are returned?"

Silence. Long silence. Then finally…

"Where is Kankuro?" Gaara asked.

"Right here!" Kankuro waved walking into the room a heavily bandaged little boy on his shoulders. Kiba right behind him, an equally bandaged little boy on his shoulders. Both kids were grinning ear to ear, and missing several teeth.

Gaara looked up at the boys, then down at the little girl still holding his fingers and chattering happily at him.

"Well since no one has anything to say. This concludes your sex education class, since no one has lost their child or killed them you all passed. Leave your assigned children here you're free to-"

Iruka blinked down at the watery eyed little boy in his arms then at the screaming blond girl attached to his leg the sleepy kid formerly in Sasuke's lap and a trembling little girl formerly hiding behind Lee's chair.

Then to the room now empty of Naruto's, Sasuke's, Hinata's, Ino's , Neji's , Lee's and Sakura's. Leaving a confused Kiba and Kankuro.

Temari was giving her 'son' a last stern lecture on proper ninja way. Shikamaru was being held captive at her side. Gaara was still staring at the little girl holding his fingers.

He nodded slowly at her, pulled a pink bunny out of his pocket and gave it to her. She beamed at him, held out her arms for hug, Tenten leaned closer to him to tell him she wanted a hug, then Iruka's brain shut down again as said demon vessel knelt and hugged the little girl.

Stood glared at Iruka like he'd stolen his money, turned on his heel without another word and left.

Iruka decided he needed a strong drink, and when he found where Kakashi was hiding he was going to get a massage and his house cleaned too.

2 weeks later…. in Suna

"Ahh! I told you Temari! Didn't I tell you his gourd looked bigger?!"

Temari rubbed her eyes, ignoring her brother. All of her attention focused on her youngest brother. "Gaara…"

"She stays." He said flatly taking the cup of imaginary tea Tohru handed him.

"But Gaara!"

"She stays."

"Temari-chan would you like some tea?"