Searing
by Melissa Flores
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Teaser: Minutes before her own death, Switch ponders the thawing of her own heart and the new hope for the future.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. So there. :-PPP
Rating: Ah.. PG-13, Rish.
Dedication: I wrote this a while ago, about six months after I had seen the movie. This is the third of my Matrix stories, the previous being The Seer Foretold and Soul Searching. Be warned, I do get mooshy.
The Victim: The other anti damsel in distress, Switch, and her story with Apoc. Hope you dig it. :-)
Spoilers: Always. This is mostly speculation though. Oh, yeah. This is depressing stuff. You've been warned.

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I'm not the type to get all flowery and prissy. I'm not feminine and I'm not pretty. I never cared for that, never in my life. Before I was freed, it was the same. I knew, in my heart, that there was something else out there, and I wanted it, I wanted it so bad I could taste it in my mouth.

I did whatever it took to get my information, to get my search. And I found the answer: I found Morpheus. The day I was freed, I accepted what he gave me, I knew that I had found my purpose. I was a soldier, my purpose was to survive, my purpose was to fight, to save Morpheus and work against the Agents. Eventually, I knew, it would cost me my life.

I saw fellow crewmembers die, and it always hurt. They were my friends, if back then, with that fierce anger and coldness in my heart, it was even possible to have any. Maybe I couldn't feel, maybe I was still frozen, because I never allowed it to affect me, how I worked, how I carefully killed the others in the Matrix that opposed us, that opposed Morpheus and opposed Trinity.

But I never thought it was possible to feel the searing pain in my heart, the ripping that I could almost hear when I saw Apoc, my beautiful Apoc, standing there, the fear so wild in his eyes, so afraid. I had never seen him like that.

My hand froze to my gun, and I wanted to go to him, I wanted to do anything, and I was utterly helpless, my throat dry as I listened carefully to Cypher coldly commenting to Trinity how with one pull he could take out my lover's life.

Oh, God.

"Trinity." Apoc's voice was close to panic, and still I could nothing. It seemed almost that time stood still, along with the beating of my own heart.

Not Apoc, never Apoc. I had sworn that I would die before I'd let something happen to him, I had sworn I would. I can't live without him. He's the one that taught me how to truly live.

I never dreamed that there was anything beyond the stonecold existance that I lived before he was freed. Everything I did was systematical, because it was needed. I had friends, I worked closely with my crew members, but I rarely bonded with any of them. There was too much at stake, too much importance. To me, Apoc was just another crewmember, another to add to our pathetically small number.

I never imagined he'd turn out the way he did. There was a quite, stoic presence to him, and yet, when he smiled, and when he laughed, it seemed to me he would light up the whole room. He brought a different aspect to the ship, so new even back then.

Tank and Dozer had just been brought on, Cypher was getting prepped to be freed, and Trinity and Morpheus, kept to themselves.

Apoc brought us together, and I'm still trying to figure out how he did it, how he got me so intrigued.

I'm still trying to figure out what he saw in me. I would catch him looking at me, not those lustful guy gazes the guys would give Trin when they thought she wasn't looking, but these puzzled frowns, like he was trying to see something.

I never spoke to him, when I did it was short, one syllable answers, he probably thought I had the personality of a dishmop, and he never ventured any conversation, until one day when Morpheus took Trinity to see the Oracle, and he and I were left to guard the mansion by ourselves.

I didn't say a word, I kept my hand on my gun and I kept my eyes open. For some reason my eyes drifted down to him, and I caught him staring, again.

Finally I merely gave him a cold gaze. "What's so interesting."

He shrugged, not even pretending to be embarrassed that I had caught him staring. "I don't get you." He announced. I looked up, my glare discernable even through my glasses.

"Excuse me?"

"I said I don't get you. You have this stick up your butt. I'm just trying to figure out why."

I had frozen stiff, and at that moment I seriously considered using my gun and blasting his brains out. But deciding that Morpheus wouldn't be too thrilled, I swallowed down my anger, and turned the other way.

"This coming from the man who has worms in his."

And he laughed, a deep rumbling, infectious laugh that made my cheeks burn so I couldn't look at him.

"You and that mouth. What the hell are you trying to act all tough for?"

I felt my jaw harden, and I didn't even turn in his direction. "It's not an act."

"Right," he remarked, unconvinced, but he didn't speak again. I found myself almost waiting, almost hoping that he'd say something again, just so I could hear his voice.

Then I realized how stupid I was being and forced my thoughts elsewhere.

The conversation stuck in my mind for the rest of the week, and I had to fight to urge not to ask him what the hell he meant, what the hell he was talking about.

And he showed up again, one day I was eating alone in the lunchroom when he came in, poured himself a cup of slop and sat across from me, and just stared.

I never wanted to kill someone so much. Finally I looked up.

"Why don't you go and follow Trinity around like everyone else around here?"

He gave me an amused smile, but answered my question. "Cause I already understand Trinity. I still don't get you."

Oh, shit. Here we go again. What was it with this guy?

"There's not much to get." I remarked crisply. "It's a pretty much what you see is what you get kind of thing."

"Oh, I can't believe that." He said, leaning against the panel. "Come on, I'm curious."

I merely gave him an even stare. He bit his lip, and cocked his head.

"Just.... tell me one thing,and I'll leave you alone."

Oh, thank god. I gave him a piercing stare. "Is that a promise?"

He raised two index fingers. "Scouts honor."

"Fine." I said, in my most distinterested tone of voice. "What?"

He leaned forward. "What's the point of saving human kind if this is how you live your life?"

My eyes widened and for a moment I could say nothing.

"What?" I finally managed to rasp.

He sighed. "Look at you. You're not living, you're existing. You work, you eat, you sleep. What the hell is that?"

"I call it living."

"I call it existing. Why the hell do you even bother working for the rebellion if you live like that?"

I stared at him, for a moment too furious to speak. Then I did the unthinkable, I lost control and the next thing I knew, my bowl of slime had somehow landed in his face.

I don't know who was more shocked, him or me. There was absolute silence, and ever so slowly he reached up and wiped his hand over his face.

"You know, Switch, I just want to be your friend, okay?" He said slowly, his anger in his voice evident. "Now you gotta make your choice, Switch. Cause I'm going out on a limb here, and I ain't gonna do it anymore."

With that he rose, and just walked out.

I was left sitting there, feeling like a bomb had gone off in my stomach.

I wasn't feeling any better a day later. He had been actively avoiding me all day, and I don't know why that bothered me so much.

I sat there, watching the code as I sat in the chair, my eyes wide and alert, but my mind wandering. I was so lost in my thoughts I never even heard her come up behind me.

"You look like shit." I looked up to see the only other woman on this god forsaken ship, Trinity, staring down at me, some bit of mischeif dancing in her dark eyes.

"You do too." I remarked dryly, pointing to her torn shirt. She shrugged, and settled down next to me, staring at the code running along the screens. I took the moment to study her. Even dressed in baggy jeans and a sweatshirt, with her face dirty and her short cropped hair mussed, Trinity still looked like a woman. She moved with a grace that had always eluded me, and a strenght that made me wonder at. She had a beauty about her that up until then I had never cared about.

And it scared me. Because suddenly I wanted that, for a split second, I envied her.

"So what's going on between you and Apoc?"

The question was out of the blue, but when I stared at her her eyes were frank and open.

"What?"

"Switch, we've all noticed it. What I need to know if it's going to affect the way you two work." There was Trinity, the superior officer, peaking out.

I let out a sight of relief. "For a minute there I thought you going to go and try to do the girl talk thing."

"Girl talk? What the hell is that?" Trinity joked seriously. We were silent then, and I knew she was waiting for my answer.

"Nothing is going on between me and Apoc."

"Well this nothing is making him mope in his quarters, and you're acting even more distant than usual, and that's saying a lot. I'm here to resolve this nothing so you two can get back to work."

I stifled a chuckle. Good old Trinity. She knew exactly how to talk to me, and I knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted to girltalk. And feeling like a fool, I finally let myself talk to the only other person on this ship I thought would come close to understanding.

"He's a bastard."

"All men are."

"He's king then. If he were the last man in Zion and I were the last woman I still wouldn't-"

"Okay. You have a thing for him."

My eyes widened immeidately. "WHAT?!"

"You have a thing. For Apoc." Trinity's face was dead serious. I felt my heart tremor slightly, before skipstarting into double pace. "Tell me something, Switch. Have you ever, ever, been .... hell have you ever even KISSED a guy?"

"Yes." I retorted.

She cocked her head. "When?"

"None of your damn business."

"You life is my business, Switch. It's what we do, remember?" The answer was a point, and I couldn't find a thing to say to that.

"Not... techinically." I admitted very, very grudgingly. Surprisingly, she didn't laugh, or make fun or even acted surprised, she only looked at me very frankly.

"I think it's about time you start, don't you?" She raised an eyebrow. "He does like you, Switch." She nudged me, and then got up. "Think about it."

She left me alone, and my mind was whirling. What the hell? I LIKED him? A thing? How the hell? And how the hell did SHE know that?

Even before I knew it. I felt my heart beating so fast, so fast, but I felt something give in me, as I sat alone, all by myself in the chair, looking at all those people living out their lives, and I suddenly realized one thing.

I was lonely.

I was so damn lonely, and I felt like a shell.

I don't know what possessed me , if it was the desperateness of my situation, the hopelessness of what I felt, or the desire to understand what everyone seemed to think I was missing, but somehow I ended up at his quarters late that night, sliding the door open to see him sitting up, recognizing me immediately.

I could only stare at him, drinking in the sight of him.

He stared right back, and the pulse beneath his jaw beat once, before he stood. "Did you make a choice, Switch?'

I tried to open my mouth, to say something, but I couldn't, and finally groaning in frusteration, I strode forward and hungrily began to search his lips with mine.

He responded immediately, holding my head in his hands and kissing me back desperately, until suddenly he pulled away.

I felt my body shaking, could see the look in his eyes, and suddenly I felt ashamed, so ashamed that I had stooped this low, given this much of myself.

I tried to move away, but his hand held tightly to mine.

"Is this YOU, Switch?" He whispered furiously, his other hand firmly on my waist. "Is this really you?"

I stared at him, my eyes growing moist in my emotion, emotion that I had never before allowed to enter my soul, to take over, I felt myself blindly nod.

He gulped, and suddenly he smiled, a wondeful smile that seized my heart and captured it. "I didn't....want to ...to go... too fast...." He trailed off, seemed to look deeper in my eyes than before. "Ah hell." He groaned, and grabbed me, pulling me hard against his body and suddenly I found myself moaning when his mouth invaded mine, harshly, with possession and want.

I went still, feeling his lips on my throat as he ravaged at my skin, and I felt hot searing fire everytime his mouth and hands touched me.

He paused, his eyes so dark they seemed an abyess, as he cradled my face in his hands, just watching me, like he was always watching me.

But the confusion was now replaced with hunger, hunger that was barely contained even as he whispered, "You look scared."

I swallowed, my pride and embarrassment gone in the instant he trailed a thumb down my face, concern etched in his beautiful brown eyes.

"I am." I admitted.

He swallowed. "We don't have to, Switch."

I nodded, feeling my chest heave against his. "I know. But I want to. I want to live." I felt the hot stinging tears in the back of my eyes, felt my voice tremor slightly when I whispered, "Teach me?"

He smiled, his voice gruff when he answered, "I'll do better than that. I'm gonna love you, Switch."

And with that his lips covered mine in a soft seal of fate. It was the first of many kisses, and it was the beginning of something much more.

For the first time in my life, that night I truly began to live.

On the outside, it didn't seem I changed all that much, the only difference it seemed was that Apoch and I were inseperable. At first, only with him would I laugh, alone in our quarters, as we talked about everything, as we learned about each other. He taught me to live, and then he became my reason for living.

One night, as we lay in bed, I was awake, watching him sleep, on hand sliding through his curly course brown hair, and it finally occurred to me what I was doing this for.

I was doing it for him. All this, it was now for him. My reason for living. It was him. It was always him. So that other people could have what I had with him. So that Trinity could have what I had with him. For real.

And now, here we were, and Cypher was about to take that away. I can only watch in horror as I saw his lifeless body fall to ground. I felt myself cry out, I felt myself run, dropping the gun I never ever dropped, but my mind and heart was numb, my body, already felt lifeless, even as I heard Cyper saying I was next.

"Not like this." I whispered, my heart numb and dead within me. How could he die like this? So helpess, so without hope? I barely heard the voices around me, I was waiting for the inevitable, and strangely, I welcomed it. I no longer wanted to live. The person that had taught me that it was okay to feel, that it was okay to love, was gone, and with it, my hope for myself, for everything.

It was okay that I was dying, because I didn't want to live. I had already lived, because of Apoc. And I didn't want to keep on living. Not like this. Not ever like this. I looked at Trinity and Neo, saw the emotion in their faces, and at that moment, wished them all the love that had been given to me. It was what we had been fighting for,what Apoc and I had found.

The last emotion was love, and it was searing. It was always searing.

FIN
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Author's End Note: I've been recently made aware that there is a story out there that's very suspiciously close to this in both plot and dialogue. That's very bad, author. That's plagarizing, and no one appreciates it. Be nice.