Seifer and the Toilet Seat

By Vick330 The MadScientist

Disclaimer

I don't own FF8, but since Squaresoft-Enix would probably spend years and years finding all those that write FF8 fan fiction, if they decided to prosecute, I figure that I'll be long dead and gone by the time they get to me.

Foreword

This was my first Seifu, and I wrote it for Lady Scorpio's website as an exclusive fic back in July 2001. She doesn't seem to be active at ffn anymore, and her website has been down for a while, so I don't think she'll mind if I post this rewritten version now.

I wanted to create an unforgettable, skillfully written tale of passion and romance. I hoped for a story that would shine as one of the high moments of fan fiction, and become a legend among writers and aficionados alike.

But since I lack the necessary talent and creativity, this is what I came up with instead. Enjoy anyway.

I - Rough Awakenings

The light of a new spring day managed to seep through the closed drapes, falling on her fair face and making her stir. She opened her good eye, and had a moment of disquiet when she didn't see her man beside her. For a terrible moment, she wondered if the past few years had all been a dream.

But no, it was all real, she realized with gratitude. She was in their bedroom, the frame holding their wedding picture on the night table, the familiar objects of their life together surrounding her. They had been married for more than a year now, and she couldn't be happier. Seifer was a fine man, a gentle, hard-working man. And to top it all off, a good, considerate and giving lover.

Of course, he was a 'man', with all that implied of little irritants. Like the fact that he wasn't able to separate whites from colors, or to pick up after himself, or to clean the house without being told, begged, and menaced a thousand times before acting.

But to Fujin it didn't matter, for she loved him, and he loved her in way that made her feel cherished, desired, and special. Still, she wondered why he wasn't by her side.

As a little of the fogginess of slumber dissipated, she remembered that he had invited the guys to watch the game last night. Not that she cared, but the Galbadian Rextaurs facing Trabia's Blue-Dragons was the big event of the season. But why hadn't he come to bed, after sending his friends home? She suddenly realized what it was that had woken her, her bladder begged for release and she made her way to the bathroom.

Now, dear reader, I ask you, why is it that women never, EVER, check if the toilet bowl's seat is down BEFORE they sit on it? Why do they insist on performing a flying butt leap of faith, assuming that the cursed thing is down? (I might sleep on the sofa tonight for this)

Fujin's mind was still foggy from sleep, her metabolism not quite at full speed yet so early in the morning. She sat to take care of her business and promptly fell down the bowl. Her eye widened in shock, and her brain became completely awake, as she felt the tender skin of her buttocks touching cold water.

"SEIFER!"

There was no response (did you expect any? Not me), and she managed to extirpate herself from her uncomfortable, and quite undignified, position by herself. She then stormed through the house like a wraith out for revenge, infuriated at his lack of consideration. After all, they had been over the toilet bowl's cover topic at least a quadrizillion times before, give or take one or two.

"SEIFER COME HERE!"

Fuming, she made her way to the living room. What she witnessed there made her good eye widen even more, and gave a rosy taint to her cheeks as blinding, rightful wrath exploded in her head. It was painfully obvious that the match had gone into overtime, and that they had all fallen asleep on the spot.

Well, 'collapsed on the spot' would be more accurate actually.

Her husband was snoring on the couch, his arm around Zell's neck. The martial artist was contentedly drooling on Seifer's shoulder, in an alarming comatose state. But the picture of debauchery didn't stop there, for Squall was laying on the floor with his hand still holding a bottle of beer, the contents of which had partially spilled in a yellowish puddle.

Irvine Kinneas was drunkenly sleeping on the sofa, his Stetson hat over his eyes, and a huge bag of potato chips cradled in his arms. Raijin was also on the couch, his head on Seifer's lap and snoring like there's no tomorrow. To Fujin's disappointment, he was still breathing - if laboriously. Nida, the usually quiet and reserved guy, had rolled under the coffee table, hugging a Cactuar plushie.

To continue this tableau of pure depravity, there were empty bottles and assorted garbage scattered all over the room. Fujin took a step, and felt the unmistakable sound of crunched chips under her bare feet. And to put the cherry on top of that sundae of decadence, they had indulged in a few soggy cigars, the acrid smell of which permeated the air. It also explained the ashes that were generously sprinkled all over the carpet, and the burnt spot in what possibly was the most visible part of the room.

Fujin was too enraged to react just yet. It was then that she noticed that the answering machine was loaded with messages, and she had a pretty good idea about what she would hear as she pressed the 'play' button.

Beep- "Hello, this is Rinoa. Squall Leonhart, I know that you're there! You were supposed to be home two hours ago! Dinner got cold, get your ass over here, NOW!" -Beep

Beep- "Fuji, this is Quistis, if my good for nothing boyfriend, Nida, is still at your place, tell him that I'm waiting for him!" -Beep

Beep- "HIII-YAAAA! Selphie here! Tee-Hee! I'm looking for my Irvy-Poo, Call me, kissy-kissy, bye!" -Beep

Beep- "Hello, Xu here. If Raijin is still there tell him it's late, and he was supposed to bring back milk and baby food hours ago! Xujin is hungry and needs her daddy, you better have a good excuse, Mister!" -Beep

Beep- "¡Hola! Cristina Monica Reina Ema Antonia Maria Juanita Dolores Conchita Milagros Renata Francesca Manuela Angelica Veronica Marisol Consuelo here. Tell Zell dinner is almost ready and to pick up taco sauce. Besitos cariño." -Beep

Beep- "Fujin dear, Ma Dincht here, have you seen my son? Cristina Monica Reina – er, Zell's wife is really worried about him. Please call us if you see him, Dear." -Beep

Beep- "HI! Rinoa again! Squall, what the hell are you still doing there! You can forget about supper!" -Beep

Beep- "Quistis here, sorry for bothering you again Fuji. Just tell Nida that he's sleeping on the couch for the next few months!" -Beep

Looking at Nida's beatific expression, Fujin doubted that it would be such a big punishment. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself, which failed, she resumed listening to the messages.

Beep- "Boo-hoo-hoo Irvyyyyy! Why are you not coming home? Sniff I miss you sobs I made marshmallow pizza just for you, cries please come to meeeee." -Beep

Thinking that if marshmallow pizza was a regular thing on Selphie's menu, it was perfectly understandable why Irvine would stay away from her kitchen. Fujin felt kind of sorry for the cowboy, but only 'kind off' because nothing prevented the guy from cooking his own meals. After all women are not maids, personal cooks or slaves, right? (Just making sure that my wife still talks to me after this)

The rest of the messages were pretty much variations on the same theme:

Beep- "Rinoa again! Fuji, if you need an insensitive, uncommunicative, introverted, broody, big meanie guy as an ornament, you can keep Squall!" -Beep

Beep- "Xu here! Fujin, kick my husband in the shins for me!" -Beep

Beep- "Fujin dear, Ma Dincht here, tell Zelly to come to his Mommy's, because Cristina-many-names is really pissed off." -Beep

Beep- "Irvyyyy! You're soooooo mean! You'll meet my Nunchucks next time I see you! And I didn't wait for you and ate all the pizza! Your loss, 'cause it was really YUMMY!" -Beep

Fujin was unsure that not having saved any of that marshmallow pizza for Irvine was a bad thing, but that wasn't her problem after all. She then decided to take charge of things and awake the guys, in a manner that reflected her present mood. (Ouch! That's going to hurt big time! Sensitive people might want to close their eyes now)

"RAGE!"

At this powerful shout of pure fury, the five guys painfully came back to a semblance of consciousness. Seifer came about first and –painfully- opened his bloodshot eyes, "Huh? What? Oh, hi Baby." He said, slurring his words.

Squall stirred, "Hum, ah, whatever..."

"Owww, my head feels like a cowboy's ass after a rodeo, I reckon." Blurted Irvine.

"Yah know, what time it is, yah know? Like, Xu is waiting for me, yah know." Managed to mumble Raijin, not quite grasping the hazardous position he was in.

Zell didn't wake up right away, but he did in a rather ungentle way when Seifer shakily stood up. "Hey, what's the big ide..." started to complain the martial artist, but one glance a Fujin convinced him that in this case discretion would be the best part of valor.

As for Nida, for once he was immensely grateful of his natural ability to go unnoticed. He remained motionless though, just to be on the safe side.

"Fuji-Baby," tried to explain Seifer, "The, hum, game lasted longer than anticipated, hehehe."

Fujin didn't respond but instead left the room, went to the kitchen to gather an assortment of cleaning supplies, and came back to face her husband and his offensive guests. That would have been a great time to escape for our friends, but they were still a little dazed by the turn of events (to say nothing of their hangovers).

"CLEAN UP!" She announced, dropping what she was carrying on the floor and crossing her arms.

"Yah know, I have to go to the bathroom, yah know." Said Raijin, moving with unexpected speed. Afterwards the sound of a window being opened was heard, and when they looked outside they saw the big guy running in the yard like all of hell's minions were at his heels.

Zell, Irvine, Nida and Squall looked at each other, realizing that Raijin might not be as dense as he let on. Before they could get any ideas, Fujin replayed the messages on the answering machine. That convinced them to stay, hoping that Seifer's sweet wife would intercede for them with their spouses.

Next chapter: Let the torment begin!