Note
by Arashinobara: There's
butchering a character, and there's incessant hacking and mauling of
it until it's no longer recognisable. Those were my exact words to my
Wifey Muffincake (chocolate-obsessed), and she had no choice but to
agree, though she did say my butcher block yielded some amusing
results. If you're looking for characters recognisable as... well, as
them,
then look elsewhere.
Reviews will be snuggled and loved and petted, and reviewers will be snuggled and loved and petted and glomped. So please leave some?
The rest of the notes are down below, after the fic. So, read and (hopefully) enjoy!
/Arashinobara and Mamori-chan bow before disappearing out of site/ Bad pun, I know. -.-;;
Reality Check
A Yuugiou fanstory by Arashi no Mamori
Part One – In Which Seto is the Victim for Once
From: Mutou Yami
To: All Cast Members
Subject: Did you hear?
Did you hear? The show's going to be continued!
Yami
--
Ankh Udja Seneb!
From: Kaiba Noa
To: All Cast Members
Subject: Re: Did you hear?
Huh? No way – it doesn't matter, anyway. I got myself signed up for... uhhh... I really can't remember. Fubeta did it. But I'm not coming back for the next arc.
Noa
P.S. Anyone who tells Dad about this is going to find their balls stapled to their eyelids.
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: Mutou Yami
To: All Cast Members
Subject: Re: Re: Did you hear?
What! But we can't do without an elder Kaiba! This is crazy! The show will go to pieces! We'll die without a snarky bastard around! Half the entire capacity of fan mail we got was directed to you; it just goes to show how popular the Kaiba character is!
Incidentally ticked,
Yami
--
Ankh Udja Seneb!
From: "Anonymous"
To: Kaiba Gozaburo
Subject: Fwd: Re: Did you hear?
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Kaiba Noa
To: All Cast Members
Subject: Re: Did you hear?
Huh? No way – it doesn't matter, anyway. I got myself signed up for... uhhh... I really can't remember. Fubeta did it. But I'm not coming back for the next arc.
Noa
P.S. Anyone who tells Dad about this is going to find their their balls stapled to their eyelids.
--
It's aqua, not lime.
---------- End of Forwarded message ----------
--
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
From: Kaiba Gozaburo
To: Kaiba Noa
Subject: What's this?
Son, what's this about you not returning for the next season of the Yuugiou show?
Get ready to grovel,
Your Displeased Father
--
Chief Executive Officer of Kaiba Corporations
From: Extremely Pissed Off
To: You Stupid Bastards (aka, the worthless Cast Members)
Subject: I warned you!
WHO THE FUCK TOLD HIM!
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: Your Displeasing Son
To: My Displeased Father
Subject: Re: What's this?
Dear Dad,
I'm afraid I'm taking a rather relaxing vacation somewhere along the lines of the Bahamas or Hawaii. The stress of the show really got to me. Upon my return, I shall immediately begin work as a hair stylist for the Sailormoon cast.
Give Seto-chan and Mokuba-chan my love. Now, I need to catch a plane, so...
Bye!
Noa
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: Mutou Yuugi
To: The Stupid One
Subject: Start Running, genius.
Jou, I think that threat was serious. Next time, think about the consequences before attempting a one-up on a Kaiba. Any Kaiba.
Yuugi
--
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
From: Scared Shitless
To: She Who Must Hold the Answers
Cc: Short Stuff
Subject: Help!
Anzu, buddy, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease let me hide in your basement?
Jou
--
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
From: Kaiba Mokuba
To: Kaiba Noa
Subject: Fwd: Help!
Attachment: jouisstupid.doc (3k)
Noa-niichan, I think I've found your man, and attached is the proof. Your stapler is on the second to bottom shelf in the main hall. There are spare staples in my desk – help yourself.
It figures that a creature of such unsystematic brain capacity would assume Yuugi was the only short person around. I wonder how long it'll take for him to realise that it was me who got his message instead of Yuugi?
I'm going to miss you, you know. But... you know, if you could...? Could you snip me some of Tomoe Hotaru-san's hair? She's Sailorsaturn – you know, the senshi of death and rebirth. And don't ask how I know, or why I want it.
Kaiba Mokuba
--
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
From: So Proud of his Little Brother
To: The Little Brother
Subject: Thanks
Thanks, but I'm already at the airport. Damned shame, really... I guess he escapes with his nuts this time.
Don't worry about your height – you're taller than I was at your age, though Seto has us both beat. Keep me posted on him, okay? Though I'm not quite sure you'll need to do that... I made sure he'd write. I'm guessing you'll find out what I did as soon as he shuts the lid to the laptop and takes a good look around the room.
If not the biggest, at least the eldest,
Noa
P.S. Regarding the hair, I'll do my best. I think she's got the shortest hair on the set, though, so it'll be tough to get any... How about Mistress 9's instead?
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: Mazaki Anzu
To: What have you done this time, Jou?
Cc: What has he done this time, Yuugi?
Subject: I'm rather disinclined to acquiesce to your request.
No. My basement is off-limits to all and any people who go around with 'I Like Landing Myself In Shit' tattooed to their forehead.
Anzu
--
Anything you fully do is an alone journey.
From: Mutou Yami
To: All Cast Members
Subject: N00b alert!
Hey, there's some blonde chick in a corset with Marilyn right now.
Yami
--
Ankh Udja Seneb!
From: Honda Hiroto
To: The Gossip Queen
Subject: Re: N00b alert!
With Marilyn? Damn!
Honda
--
Hearing voices doesn't make you insane. It's only when you're hearing voices and doing what they tell you to do that you should start hugging yourself.
From: Queen Yami the Virtuous
To: Plebeian Hiroto the Horny
Subject: Re: Re: N00b alert!
Idiot, she's not one of his whores; she's being interviewed for the part of Jou's love interest!
Speaking of which, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT BEING KAIBA-LESS! WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING!
Yami
--
Ankh Udja Seneb!
From: Horny and not in denial
To: You're just sad you lost your eye-candy when Noa left
Subject: Re: Re: Re: N00b alert!
Oh. That's good, then.
Actually, that's bad. You said Jou's love interest, right? Fuck! Where's Miho when you need her?
Honda, not Hiroto
--
Hearing voices doesn't make you insane. It's only when you're hearing voices and doing what they tell you to do that you should start hugging yourself.
From: Even with the green hair, he was sex on the set
To: Don't know why you don't just get laid.
Cc: The Rest of the Cast (who are suspiciously silent)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: N00b alert!
I think she quit...
BY THE SUN GOD'S TWIN TESTICLES! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Noa's gone, Miho's gotten replaced by a chesty blonde and Shaadi's having second thoughts!
Predicting the sunset on this new series before it even rises,
Yami
--
Ankh Udja Seneb!
From: The Cool Cucumber
To: Dude, cool it
Cc: The Rest of the Cast (who need to help the guy cool it)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: N00b alert!
Yami, why the hell are you e-mailing me when I'm only on the other fucking side of the room!
Honda
--
Hearing voices doesn't make you insane. It's only when you're hearing voices and doing what they tell you to do that you should start hugging yourself.
From: No More Mister Nice Brother
To: The Lime-haired Turdbrain
Subject: Fuck You
You know exactly what I'm e-mailing you about, oniichan. I don't give a shit if you're in Madagascar being chased by Foussa or twenty thousand leagues under the sea shaking hands with Captain Nemo, but you're fucking going to return what you took.
Do I need to make myself any clearer? How about this: if you return my Blue Eyes with so much as funny-looking seam, I'll inject chilli pepper extract into your bloodstream, coat your eyeballs in lemon juice and castrate you with a wooden spoon. If you don't return it at all... well.
Kaiba
--
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
From: That's Aqua-haired Turdbrain, Mister.
To: Since when were you ever 'nice'?
Subject: That'd be considered incest, you know.
Uhhh... I just needed to make sure you'd e-mail me. And I need it as leverage, of course, since I'd love for you to do me a favour. Don't worry, Seto – you'll get your plushie back as soon as it's safe for me to return to Japan. Yes, I'm fully aware that they're first edition, limited edition Blue Eyes White Dragon types, and that only four were ever made. No, I will not sell it on e-bay. I promise. Pinky swear.
Noa
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: The Exasperated One
To: The Heartless One
Subject: You made him cry!
Noa, does Seto-chan crying his eyes out in the loo have anything to do with what you said before about making sure he'd e-mail you? This morning, he was really pissed off, then just fell over and grabbed his Swordstalker beanie toy before falling to pieces. I think he's trying to drown himself in the shower or something – he's been in there for the past two hours. I know how you like teasing him – the last time he was this upset, you, Dad and the Bitch Five messed around with his Virtual Reality game and he had to spend almost eight hours reprogramming everything.
Waiting for an explanation (and it better be a good one!),
Mokuba
--
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
From: Heartless, apparently
To: Don't bitch just yet
Subject: Re: You made him cry!
Relax, I only took one of his plushies. Damn, Seto's really got to do something about those mood swings of his – people are going to think he's bipolar or something.
Noa
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: Too late for that
To: Forget 'Heartless' – you're 'Stupid'
Subject: Re: Re: You made him cry!
Words fail to express just how disappointed I am in you, big brother. Have you forgotten? In case you have:
SETO IS BIPOLAR!
And he's only having such a big reaction because you stole his favourite soft toy! Well, one of them, anyway. And you know how obsessed he is with them.
Very disappointed in you,
Mokuba
--
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
From: Seto-chan
To: Noa-niichan
Subject: Can I please have him back?
I'm sorry I was so rude earlier, Noa-kun. I really, really miss Oonie, though – Ouja, Joou and Jakku are lonely without him, so can you please return him soon? I miss you, but you don't have to fly all the way back just to give Oonie back. I know Papa's not very happy with you right now, so maybe you could just mail him back? Just be careful to pack him in a lot of peanuts – he doesn't like the bubble wraps.
Seto-chan
P.S. You mentioned a favour? How can I help?
--
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
From: Your 'Niichan
To: My 'Toutochan
Subject: Re: Can I please have him back?
Of course you can have him back soon – on one condition, though.
The show I was participating in before – Yuugiou, that is – is going to flop without me there. And don't say I'm being arrogant, because it's true. They need a Kaiba character to float things, from what I hear of the plot... and I can't think of anyone I'd rather give the part to. Will you do it, then?
I know Otousama wanted you to focus on KaibaCorp after your stint on the Kenshin set, but I'm sure he'll be satisfied if we include KaibaCorp in the storyline – that'll boost publicity. I'll send an e-mail to Marilyn – uh, that'd be the Cast's nickname for Panik, our Casting Director – with a recommendation if you accept.
Noa
P.S. You won't have to dye your hair this time.
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: The Blackmailed
To: The Blackmailer
Subject: Fine
Fine. When the hell do I start?
Kaiba Seto
P.S. I'm expecting Oonie in the mail very soon.
--
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
From: It's Extortion, actually
To: My Pitiful Victim
Subject: Re: Fine
I see you're an asshole again... and you know the routine, genius. The e-mail's sent, so get your agent – Isono, was it? – to set up a meeting with Panik-san. Jeez...
Noa
P.S. Oonie's not coming back until the first episode is aired.
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: Murderous
To: Soon-to-be Murder-ee/Murdered
Subject: Re(2): Fine
Asshole yourself, asshole. Isono's on his way, and I'm still waiting for Oonie in the mail. Because you couldn't possibly be serious about keeping him until the first episode airs.
Kaiba Seto
--
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
From: I'm your favourite brother, right?
To: Because you're mine.
Subject: Pass on
Mokuba-chan, please pass this message on to Seto:
'I'm serious about keeping your plushie until the first episode airs'.
Thanks,
Noa
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: The Unlucky Messenger
To: Favourite My Ass
Subject: Re: Pass on
If that's how you treat your favourite brother, you obviously need to sit through 'Family Values 101'.
Mokuba
--
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
From: Grovelling
To: The Grovelled To
Subject: Re: Re: Pass on
Mokuba... that's a 'no', right?
Noa
--
It's aqua, not lime.
Honda Hiroto was somewhat amused when he turned the corner only to happen upon a grimacing Mutou Yami with his ear glued to the Casting Director's office door.
"So this is how you've been getting your gossip, ne, Yami-kun?" he observed. After a brief pause, Honda hunkered down next to his friend and began a brief push war with the tricolour-haired teen. "Lemme hear too!"
"Stop shoving, stupid!" Yami hissed, still trying to listen in on the conversation. "Marilyn's saying something!"
Two seconds later, they were both knocked breathless on their backs, swirly-eyed from Bakura Ryou's blow. The almost-albino whipped out a handful of anti-bacterial wipes and scrubbed busily at the wooden floorboards before kneeling on the disinfected area to clean the door as well.
"...Ryou! What the hell are you doing?" Honda hissed, shoving the white-haired Brit away and plastering the side of his head against the door again.
Ryou stood hastily and brushed himself off, inspecting his dark clothes for any sign of dust before sighing in relief and looking reproachfully at his two companions, who had immediately resumed their eavesdropping activities as soon as he was out of the way. "You do realise that there could have been any number of substances on the door – potentially harmful ones, too."
Yami scoffed, listening to Panik drone tonelessly on about a contract and minimum-three-seasons this and that. "What kind of substances, Ryou-kun? It's not like it'd be easy to spill something on a door."
Ryou arched a brow loftily. "Oh, I don't know. How about semen?"
Honda blinked
Yami stared.
They turned as one to scrutinise the now squeaky-clean door, as if trying to imagine anyone daring to have sex against the Casting Director Panik 'Marilyn' Shinrou's office door. The man stood head, shoulders and chest above the average Japanese person, and was at least four times Honda's girth. At over eight feet tall, Panik was an intimidating figure, to be sure.
Speaking of which... wasn't that him in the doorway right now? The open doorway? The open doorway, which had opened while they were busy gawking?
"Why hello, boys," Panik's voice rumbled through them, effectively scaring both Honda and Yami (Ryou was busy counting the number of leaves on a nearby pathos) shitless. "How may I help you?" he turned to a crisp-looking gentleman in a suit. "It was nice meeting you, Isono-san. I look forward to Noa's successor-in-role."
Yami's jaw dropped, and he was effectively un-scared. "We've got a new Kaiba!" he and Honda chorused.
'I must've arrived too late to hear about this guy being Noa's replacement,' Yami thought. Then: 'This sucks. There's no way I'd get another colleague as hot as Noa... or as bent.'
'He doesn't have green hair, does he?' Honda sweatdropped.
Ryou, who had decided to tune in, smiled appreciatively. Noa. There was a guy who knew to wash his hands before and after everything he did. Plus, the guy was awesome at musical chairs.
'Isono' turned and bestowed a blank stare on the two would-be-eavesdroppers. "Of course, Shinrou-san – thank you very much. Have a nice day."
Panik didn't watch him go, instead continuing to fix Yami and Honda with a rather penetrating stare. It was a fish's blank stare, which put Yami in the mind that Panik must have several pet goldfish at home, with which he'd use to practice his stare on.
It was unblinking.
Honda shook like a leaf.
And cracked.
"FORGIVE US! WE WERE ONLY TRYING TO – mmrmphr!" the brunet's eyes widened comically as his much-shorter friends each clapped a hand over his mouth and kept it there to stifle his ill-thought confession. At least, Yami did. Ryou went mental as he realised what he'd done and immediately recoiled to pull out a pocket-sized bottle of antibacterial wash, squeezing half the contents over his hands and scrubbing furiously.
Panik's gaze was broken. "Uhhh," he commented intelligently. "Well, I'm sure the news of a new Kaiba-kun needs spreading. Off with you."
And he disappeared back into his office with a mutter of "kids these days...", leaving a bemused duo and frenzied Ryou in the empty hallway.
Ten minutes later, Ryou, now satisfied he was properly cleansed of all Honda-germs, returned to being as sane as an obsessive compulsive person could be, and noted that they had not moved since Panik had retreated back into his 'inner sanctum'. "You do realise he dismissed us?" the not-quite albino queried absently, stowing his antibacterial wash in a pocket. "Are you guys going to move?"
Two minutes later, he was getting impatient. 'Apparently not.' The white-haired boy glanced outside and frowned. It was sunny, and they were wasting time indoors? The others would want to know about the new Kaiba-kun, and to tease Yami over his obsession with the previous one. Now, if only he could get these two lugs moving...
'Oh! I know!'
"Oysters, come and walk with us; the day is warm and bright!" he chirruped. "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, would be a sheer delight!"
With that, he linked arms with his two stupefied companions before dragging them out, distantly wondering why he didn't try the physical approach ages ago.
"The time has come, my little friends to talk of many things – of shoes and ships, and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings..."
Yami, finally zoning back in and recognising the lyrics, grinned maniacally before singing the next few words: "And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings –!"
Both trilled out the last line: "Callo-callay, come, run away, with cabbages and kings!"
Honda, completely lost at this point, engaged himself in discussion with the voices in his head about whether the new Kaiba's hair would be green – like cabbage – or if Noa had the right idea and aqua was the colour to be. He also spared a thought for Ryou's strange mind: if the white-haired boy was obsessive compulsive, and over germs, no less, then why was he so eager to get outside?
But the voices in Honda's head overwhelmed him and he spent the next half-hour trying to figure out if oranges tasted orange, and if they did, then what about grapefruit?
Note by Arashinobara: We own not whatever Yami or Ryou was singing... oh, speaking of which, can you recognise the lyrics? They're the altered ones of a famous poem of a famous story. A lot of the ideas in this fic was inspired by other ones. Credit to the lovely authors in question – EightofSwords, Wawoot and Anya.
All of the cast's signatures (save Noa's and Honda's) are various quotes I've picked up here and there. Some are modified, and some aren't, but they're quotes by people far cleverer in wit than myself, so I have borrowed them.
In the next few instalments...
Everyone finally meets Kaiba (of the Seto variety);
The cast get the final revision of the script – and hate it;
Why the Hell the cast insists on referring to Casting Director Panik Shinrou (The Player Killer of Darkness) as 'Marilyn';
Why Ouja, Joou, Jakku and Oonie was what Kaiba named his four First Edition, Limited Edition, Blue Eyes White Dragon Plushie dolls;
And more! But that'll spoil things, ne?
Stay tuned!
– Arashinobara