Disclaimer: I do not own 'Harry Potter' or any of the elements within the series.
My prose and rhyming could use some work, but since this poem speaks from the heart, I am not that concerned.
It would never do such a thing, but I would love it if one year, the sorting hat sang something like this:
Listen oh witches, and wizards as well
And mark that I've such a tale to tell
For four founders long ago hatched up a plan
To build a great school, for all those in the land
Two witches, two wizards, each with a beast
And colors for their houses (you must have those at least)
They built seven floors, some dungeons and towers
And plumbing a basilisk could wind through for hours
Then with lake and with forest, and fields oh so green
It was said that the school was nifty and keen.
Then these four founders four houses did make
And all of them different students they'd take
For each founder was different, one brave and one sly
One smarter than all, one kind in reply
And the students they put in their own house and pot
Were only those they thought the best of the lot
And who were these students then, that they chose?
Why the ones that acted like them, so I'm told!
And if ever a student fit into none
Was not smart, brave, helpful, or pureblood
Why, if ever a youth thought to be his own self,
They'd just put him on kindly old Hufflepuff's shelf!
And that's why it's whispered in hallways and trains
That Hufflepuff's house is quite weak, and most lame
But enough about that, for I'm here to embellish
The traits of these houses (the ones I DON'T relish)
There's Gryffindor first, oh where to begin?
You'd think being selfish in there was a sin
For they're the good deed-doers, the pure and the brave,
Though the truth is they do own their own share of knaves
They have dunderheads, gigglers, slackers and boasters
Mischief-makers, rude jokers and textbook toasters
They say that they're righteous, and sometimes they are
But such niceties never do get one far
For no matter your heart, or your great sense of honor
It's never that good to be brave cannon fodder
Then Slytherin, down in the dungeons and vaults
They're Gryffindor's enemy, quite by default
For they hold their heads high, observe inferiority
Then justify and state their own superiority
On mudbloods and blood traitors do they look down
Over half-breeds and house-elves do they sneer and frown
True, their features do range from the worst to the best
But that's most likely due to mild incest
And what's worse is their gross ignorance about hate
They think being small-minded makes them so great
When it's knowing all people should be equal from birth
But looking down on them anyhow that's really the worst
Next Ravenclaw, oh, how glorious and great
The house of the thinkers…please help me escape!
For despite doing tests and enchantments quite well
I must say these scholars are nasty and dull
By their prefects and teachers they're told from the start
That of all the four houses, they're the most smart
But intelligence can't make you less of a fool
When you find yourself arrogant, gossipy and cruel
Oh house of the eagle, what students you've grown!
They snitch to their betters, they steal from their own
I tell you, clever minds are all fine and well
But to group them together? That's not so swell.
Last comes Hufflepuff, the lowliest one
Though they'll praise every game and trial they've won
For a Hufflepuff's proud to be simple and strong
Proud to be honest, and work all day long
And sometimes they're so proud they reek of pomposity
Conceited and anal, oh what a monstrosity!
And though they like effort and following rules,
To everyone else they just look like fools
See, it can't be much fun, oh it is such a pain
To be housed at the bottom of the Hogwarts food chain.
Now you've heard me belittle, and you've heard me curse
And you've heard me say nothing good, only the worst
You'll wonder why haven't I thought of what's nice?
Why've I only spoken of stupidity and vice?
You'll remind me of courage, of wisdom and ambition
Of people working loyally, of their own volition.
But the point that I'm honestly trying to make
Is that none of the houses are really that great.
They've each their own arrogance, their own faults and lies
Their own secrets and shames, their own downs and own highs
And their foolish ideas, which they won't lay to rest
For each of the houses believes they're the best
But as much as they'll protest, as much as they'll stutter
No house is really much better than another
No house shall be lost, and no house shall rule
For with just one house missing, there'd be no school.
And though they cause rivalry, and they cause hate
It's all houses combined that makes Hogwarts so great
Each one's just a quarter of mix from the batter
If you think otherwise, you're as mad as a hatter.
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