Ruh roh! Bet you never expected this to happen! Shri-san does…FIRE EMBLEM! So welcome to the very first installment of HEADBUTT! Why, do you ask, did I decide to call it HEADBUTT (yes, it's supposed to be all caps). Well…I dunno, I figured since this was a random thing, I'd need a random name. Besides, it really roles off the tongue (sorta…). As to story setup, it's more like a bunch of random skits cobbled together in such a way that it becomes long enough for a suitable reading thing. Basically, it's like the Monty Python show format. Or All That. You know what I mean.

This frequently crosses over with 'Fire Emblem' and 'Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones'. My question is…WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO GET THE 'ROY VERSION' (that's what I call it) ON ENGLISH GBA SO I CAN PLAY IT! So don't be freaked out if characters frequently bump into each other…as for the updates, they should be pretty random, but at the same time, I'll try to make them decently frequent (it is summer after all). Considering I'm already working on two other stories…ha ha. I'm bitting off more than I can chew.

I know it sounds kooky, but give it a try, okay? Does this offer bonus minutes on your cell phone? No. Does it contain much-needed insanity? Yes. Did Shri just get sugar high, sit down, and write all of this in two days cough polite cough coughing…

And now…THE BEGINNING!

EXCERPTS FROM THE BATTLEFIELD

"Shri, it's terrible!" yelled Lyn to the tactician named Shri, outside of the battlefield, as it was snowing wildly around her. "The situation looks grim. The Black Fang are everywhere. They outnumber us at least three to one, with more on the way. They have mages to the east, generals to the west, and wyvern riders to the north!"

"FEAR NOT!" said Shri. "I shall guide us safely through the battle!"

Silence.

"…eventually!" finished Shri. "RIGHT! Let's see…wyvern riders are weak against swords-"

"Spells," said Lyn.

"THAT'S WHAT I MEANT! THE TWO ARE VERY EASILY CONFUSED!" yelled Shri. "I mean, how many letters do they have in common?"

"Two…if you count the 's' on the end," said Lyn.

"DID I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION? No!" said Shri. "I AM THE TACTIAN! I RULE YOUR FEEBLE LIVES! I HOOK YOU UP WITH PEOPLE! I AM MASTER OF YOUR FATES! BOW TO ME! BOW TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Is she ranting like a megalomaniac again?" asked Erk from outside.

"SHUT UP, OR I'LL GIVE YOU A SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH SERRA!" yelled Shri. "Now then, back to the battle. Since wyvern riders are weak against sw-spells, we'll send Pricilla to beat them off!"

"Pricilla just got turned into a Valkyrie," said Lyn. "Are you sure?"

"HOLY CRUD, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING!" said Shri. "How come Valkyries do anima magic in this game, but light magic in the other? IT'S ALL VERY CONFUSING! It must be some kind of conspiracy!"

"Indeed…" said Lyn.

"Okay, just put Pricilla up front, and let's see how it rolls!" said Shri.

One Turn Later

"Pricilla's just died," said Lyn.

"RESTART TIME!" said Shri. "Oh well, this terrain can't be too hard to figure out!"

12 Retries Later

"Alright, I think I have sufficiently surveyed the battle field to a point where I can easily use my supreme tactical abilities to rain fiery death to our enemies!"

"And it only took you…six hours…" said Lyn.

"If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" Shri yelled. "Now then! For my glorious plan, Rath goes east to shoot out that one guy with a bolt, and, provided that he isn't slaughtered by the wyvern riders guarding the-"

"Do you just not care so you can see the little opening scene with Sonia, Nino, and Jaffar over and over again?" asked Lyn.

Silence.

"That little comment has just earned you a supportive relationship with Hector," said Shri.

"NO! PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD!" said Lyn.

"Fine! Now do as I say and-"

"Eliwood just died," said Lyn.

"…is that a bad thing?" asked Shri. "I mean seriously, he's not that big a loss!"

"He's a lord Shri," said Lyn.

"So?" asked Shri.

"Let me put it this way…it's restart time," said Lyn.

Two more retries later

"The good news is that Heath just formed a supportive relationship with Pricilla," said Lyn.

"Yay!" said Shri.

"The bad news is that he died three seconds later," said Lyn.

"RESTART!" said Shri.

Next Retry

"Do I really need to say this one?" Lyn asked, walking into the room with a huge arrow sticking out of her stomach.

"RESTART!" said Shri.

Three more retries

"Uh…there's a homicidal maniac in the upper-left-hand corner of the map, and since none of the lords were up there, he butchered half our troops," said Lyn.

"RESTART!"

Yet another retry

"COMRADES! FRIENDS! EVERYONE ELSE!" sung the tactician in a sing-song voice. "BEHOLD! I bring you the fruits of a glorious victory!"

"AKA we're the luckiest SOBs to ever walk the face of the earth?" asked Lyn.

"CORRECT!" said Shri, who was standing rather heroically in front of the thrown room. "Now that we have defeated the brunt of the attack, all we have to do is beat the final boss, and we're golden!"

"Uh…Shri?" said Lyn.

"Yuppers Lyn?" asked Shri.

"You…do know who the final boss is right?" asked Lyn.

"'TIS FRAG TIME!" screamed Largo from 'Megatokyo', who had two-thousand HP, was armed with the world's scariest mystical crossbow, and who had a very homicidal look on his face.

"SQUEAK!" squeaked his faithful hamster, Boo, by his side.

"RE-"

"NO! WE ARE GOING TO KILL HIM, NO MATTER HOW MANY WE LOSE IN THE PROCESS!" yelled Lyn in a rather desperate voice.

"But can't I just-" Shri started.

"NO!" yelled Lyn. "You know, it's people like you who give this fandom a bad name! WON'T SOME LONE FIGURE COME TO SAVE OUR FANDOM FROM IDIOTS LIKE SHRI? WILL NO ONE SAVE US?"

---ooo---

(Insert happy music here)

"Hello everyone!" said Heath, sitting in a huge, plush chair, as his trusty wyvern Hyperion was devouring what appeared to be the bloody carcus of a large cow. "I'm Heath the Wyvern Rider, and five time winner of the guy who got the weirdest hair color award! And welcome too…Lets Improve Our Fandom!"

Random audience clapping.

"Today on 'Let's Improve Our Fandom', were going to take a look at common and overly used jokes…AND HOW TO SLAUGHTER THE FILTY PEOPLE WHO USE THEM!" said Heath. "Now, I know that I may be a deserter that looks like I took one too many Tylonal pills yet still remains incredibly attractive-"

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled someone offstage.

"HYPERION! KILL!" commanded Heath, as the berserk wyvern flew out onto the stage, and using advanced sound technology, the screams of pain were magically blocked out. "Anyway, it's funny that I am so incredibly attractive to the opposite gender (and to a few members of my same gender), because that's what we're talking about today! People who are unfairly persecuted for their looks, mainly…PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOOK THEIR GENDER!"

Cheers from the crowd.

"I MEAN SERIOUSLY!" said Heath, as he pulled up a female looking stick-figure labeled 'Lucius'. "LUCIUS LOOKS LIKE A BEACH BABE STUFFED INTO A MONK'S ROBES, OKAY? We don't need to constantly hurt his feelings again and again and again by giggling, drawing fan pictures of him in maids outfits, and having Sain flirt with him every other day! I mean give the poor guy a break!"

"THANK YOU HEATH!" screamed Lucius in the audience.

"OH MY GOD! THE PANSY-BOY'S IN THE CROWD!" yelled Heath. "HYPERION! ATTACK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Lucius, as he was chased around the studio by Heaths mad and somewhat rabid wyvern.

"NOTICE HOW I DIDN'T COMMAND HIM TO KILL YOU OUT OF RESPECT TOWARD YOUR PERSONAL APPEARENCES!" called Heath after them. "Anyway, while we're on that…THE SAME THING WITH VAIDA!"

Long, long ago…in a galaxy far, far away…

"NO! NO NO NO! NOT THAT ONE!" said Heath. "I mean, yes, we know that she has the female torso with an army-man's head and a scar that would make even Harry Potter jealous, but come on! She saved my life! So you owe her a thank you for saving this oh-so-yummy bod ladies!"

Cricket chirps from the crowd.

"I don't need you sound effects!" yelled Heath. "So anyway, if you see someone who commits any of the said crimes…you must burn them!"

Silence.

"BURN THEM TO THE GROUND!" said Heath.

Silence.

"Little enthusiasm please!" said Heath.

Silence.

"Look, I'm trying to start an angry mob here!" yelled Heath. "Are you chowderheads in, or am I going to have to force you?"

Silence.

"FINE! That's it!" said Heath. "STAGE MANAGER! Pull down the hypno-screen!"

With that, a huge screen with a little whirly spiral on it came down, and soon, the audience easily found themselves in a trance, and were slumping all over the place, drooling slightly.

"Okay, now repeat after me," said Heath to the audience. "'I will kill the infidels'."

"I…will kill…the infidels…" muttered the people in the audience.

"'I will respect personal appearances'."

"I…will respect…personal…appearances…"

"'I won't draw Lucius in a dress, unless it's a pretty one."

"I won't…draw…Lucius…in a…dress…unless it's…a…pretty one…"

"'Heath has a smexy chest'."

"Heath…has a…smexy…chest…"

---ooo---

"Alright Jaffar…" said Shri the tactician, handing holding out some sort of fill in paper and a normal, yellow #2 pencil to Jafar, who was just kind of sitting there staring. "Upon realization that we'll take in pretty much anyone who we come up and talk to, I decided that I'm going to need a little bit on everyone's background. So if you could just fill out this form."

"…"

"There they are again…" said Shri.

"…"

"The three little dots…"

"…"

"Sometimes four."

"…"

"From now on, that is your nickname," said Shri. "I know 'Angel of Death' sounds a lot cooler, but from now on, you're 'The Triple Dot'. Sure, I know it's tough, but we were considering calling you 'Puff-Ball Junior The Happy Hamster Man' (or at least I was), so you'll just have to deal, okay?"

"…"

"YO MAMA WAS A PATRON OF THE FINE ARTS, AND YO DADDY WAS A WELL-RESPECTED MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY!"

"…"

"Just fill out the paper," said Shri, slapping it onto his forehead, and walking away, dropping the pencil next to him. There was absolutlely no movement on Jaffar's part for a moment. He just sat there, suddenly overcome with a very large problem.

He didn't know how to read or write.

Plan A

"Sorry, I don't know either," said Nino, not completely sure what to do with hers either, as Jaffar held the background sheet out. "I don't know who to ask for help…"

"I'LL HELP! DON'T WORRY NINO!"

"NO! PICK ME! PICK ME!"

"YOUR SO CUTE! I'LL HELP!"

"KYA! KYA! KYA!"

Plan B

"I'm sorry…I'm much too busy thinking of angsty things I can say to you during our support conversation…" said Legault.

Plan C

"Sorry, I only help girls!" said Sain. "HOT GIRLS!"

Modified Plan C

"No, you are so not a girl," said Sain. "And you sure as heck ain't a hot one! BEAT IT! HERE COMES LYNDIS!"

Plan D

"When my head is amputated and replaced with a block of American Cheese!" said Hector.

Plan E

"Sorry, didn't catch that…" said Barte, taking a huge bite out of his paper.

Okay, we're really getting desperate…

"Er…ah…um…well…you see…I…well…ah…" said Florina.

Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy desperate…

"…" said Rath.

Okay, we've officially hit rock bottom

"I'll do it for a twenty!" said Farina. Jaffar just sort of stared at her for a minute, then eventually reached back into his pocket, fishing around various blood-stained killing instruments until he pulled out a bill. However, he wasn't terribly good with numbers either, so he accidentally handed Farina over a one hundred dollar bill.

"I like you kid," she said, ripping the paper out of his hand. "Now then, name?"

"…"

"I can ask an easier question if you want me too," said Farina.

"…Jaffar," he muttered.

"Jaf…far…" said Farina to herself, writing it down. "Alright, age?"

"…"

"I here you pall, I'll just leave it blank," said Farina. "Okay then, previous occupation before joining group?"

"…I killed things."

"Haven't we all?" said Farina, writing it down on the line. "Now then, any history of insanity in the family?"

"…"

"I know how you feel," said Farina, scribbling on the paper a little. "Now then, last but not least… who is the person who had the greatest influence over the artistic world during the Post World War II era?"

"…Dali, with his pioneering of surrealism, using expressions of dreamlike, almost hallucination-like imagery that expressed the confusion that general society faced after nearly being conquered by an oppressive fascist dictatorship, which technically none of us should know considering our dimension is completely different from the one of the player," said Jaffar dully.

"I protest!" said Canas, walking up to the two. "While I respect Dali as being one of the great geniuses of the 20th century artistic era, may I point out that Surrealism was derived from dadism, founded by Duchamp, which helped pioneer the slow breaking from more rational, impressionistic art styles!"

"…not true," said Jaffar. "While Dadism was probably the base of surrealism, dadism had a tendency to have very little point to it, a mere rebellion toward traditional views of art, while surrealisms reflected the psychoanalytical struggles of modern man during a time of rapid, sometimes mind bogglingly frightened change, and thus is the true focal point of the lost generation!"

"Dadism was the first step away from traditional artistic methods, and without it, the art world couldn't comprehend the hopelessness of the era, because dadism's entire point was to struggle away from traditional art values in such an extreme measure by creating a sense that nothing in life really matters, so art shouldn't matter as well! This reflected both the massive amount of depression suffered by those in realization that it's possible for World Wars to continue, but it also paved the way for similar artistic methods!" said Canas.

"Your both wrong idiots!" yelled Farina. "It was Picasso, with his pioneering of Cubism, an appreciation of both the surreal aspects of human nature, and the underlining beauty of the existence that we all share as human beings! His work is both toward appreciation of everything, as well as the appreciation of the senseless nothing that surrounds it!"

"YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE HUSTLER?" yelled Canas.

"WE ARE OUTSIDE THREE-EYES!" yelled Farina.

"…I'll kill you both…" said Jaffar.

"BRING IT ON DISNEY-BOY!" yelled both Canas and Farina.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" screamed the rest of the crowd, who was gathering in a circle around the three as-

---ooo---

"We wish to apologize for that severe lack of in-character writing of the previous skit," said Pricilla, standing in a random recording studio. "It was naughty and bad, and we swear we'll never do it again, we promise. Now then, I will now blow up a squirrel."

---ooo---

And now, it's time for rejected death statements

Serra:

"ERK, YOU IDIOT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

"You know…in hindsight…I probably should have spent a little more time enjoying the little things in life than spending at least three hours every morning to get my hair just right…"

"Stupid low magic stat…"

"YOU JERKS BETTER BE CRYING LONG AND HARD AT MY FUNERAL!"

"OH MY GOD! This is worse then that one time I went down to the market to pick up some more high-quality shampoo, and I had a 'Buy one, get one free' coupon scroll, and I was just about to check out when-" (dies)

---ooo---

"-poor Heath, who was always so skinny and clumsy, and had a bizarre taste in hair colors, could never win the love of Legault, who's hair was pink, and had a somewhat more attractive scar than Vaida's-"

"Hector, what are you doing?" asked Eliwood, walking into the room, while Hector was reading one of the fanfic scrolls in Canas's book pile.

"NOTHING!" yelled Hector, rolling up the scroll frantically, panting as he did, and quickly throwing it into the fire, sacrificing the sure-fire juicy ending for his dignity.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"You remind me of a man," said Hector.

"Uh…" said Eliwood.

"You remind me of a man," Hector repeated.

"Excuse me?" said Eliwood.

"You remind me of a man!" Hector said again.

"Uh…huh…" said Eliwood. "And who might this…man be?"

"The man with the power!" said Hector.

"Hector, you know this is sounding increasingly dirty as it goes on, right?" said Eliwood.

"The man with the power!" said Hector.

"Hector, are you sick or something?" asked Eliwood.

"THE MAN WITH THE POWER!" yelled Hector.

"Hector, I heard you!" yelled Eliwood. "Cripes, have you been messing around with Sain's 'special potions' again?"

"You're not doing it right Eliwood!" said Hector.

"That's it, I'm leaving," said Eliwood.

"NO! NOT THAT!" said Hector, frantically. "You're supposed to ask me what the power is!"

"I don't want to know what the power is!" said Eliwood.

"Can I just say it?" asked Hector.

"NO!" said Eliwood.

"Please?" asked Hector.

"NO!" said Eliwood.

"Hoodoo," said Hector.

"What?" asked Eliwood.

"Hoodoo!" said Hector again.

"What?" asked Eliwood.

"YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!" said Hector.

"Doing what again?" asked Eliwood.

"Not saying it right!" said Hector.

"What are you talking about?" asked Eliwood.

"You're supposed to ask 'Hoodoo?' you jerky cad!" yelled Hector.

"…fine. 'Hoodoo'?" asked Eliwood.

"YOU DO!" said Hector.

"…that's it. I really am leaving now Hector," said Eliwood.

"NO! No! You're supposed to ask-" Hector started.

"'Do what?'" asked Eliwood. "Oh, then you say 'You remind me of a man', and this wonderful process starts all over again! MY GOD! That is the worst pick-up line ever Hector! Have you been hanging out with Sain again?"

---ooo---

"Hey, baby baby!" said Sain with his usually devilish smile on, as Lucius walked by. "Did it hurt…when you feel down from-"

"HYPERION! KILL!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Sain at the top of his lungs, running away as Heath's mad wyvern came out of nowhere and began chasing him down like the piece of meat that he was.

"I'm here for you, man!" said Heath, walking by, with a whole stack of 'Heath/Legault' fanfiction scrolls that he intended to burn.

"Uh…" said Lucius awkwardly.

---ooo---

"IT'S NOT A PICKUP LINE!" yelled Hector angrily. "It's a joke! A JOKE! Is it so wrong just to hear a good joke and expect to be able to tell it to a friend?"

"IT IS IF IT SOUNDS LIKE A PICKUP LINE!" yelled Eliwood.

"IT'S NOT A SMEGGIN' PICKUP LINE!" yelled Hector. "JUST BECAUE YOU DON'T KNOW ANY GOOD JOKES-"

"I DO SO KNOW GOOD JOKES!" yelled Eliwood. "Like that one with the lady and the doctor on the bench? THAT was hilarious!"

"It was dirty!" yelled Hector.

"It was still hilarious!" yelled Eliwood.

"Dadism had the greatest influence over the post World War II era you red-head git!" yelled Hector.

"NO, it was SURREALISM you pompous blunette!" yelled Eliwood.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" yelled everyone, crowding into the tent, just as Jaffar, Farina, and Canas all ran in and just began randomly beating each other up, including Hector and Eliwood, who obeyed the chanting crowd around them.

---ooo---

"Well kiddies, that's all the time we have for today's 'HEADBUTT'!" said Vaida, sitting in a chair, and closing a great big storybook that had 'HEADBUTT' written on it in huge, shiny silver letters. "Now, all you better come back and read this next time…OR I'LL FEED YOUR HEADS TO MY WYRVEN! BWA HA HA HA HA!"

She chucked the book into the mouth of her hungry wyvern, who had a 'I Break For NO ONE!' tail/bumper sticker, while she cackled maniacally.

"And remember," she said, pointing to the audience threateningly. "I'M NOT A MAN!"

"You tell him sister!" said Heath, roasting marshmallows over burning fanfiction scrolls.